Saying goodbye to 2012 | empresslya's Blog

This year has not been so bad. Yes I go through the occasional emotional rollercoasters,but it does not last long. So now I have put in papers to work significantly less. I look a hot mess right now. It takes a lot of work to look cute and a little bit of money. I have been preoccupied with school and parenting that I had little time for myself. I plan on changing my unhealthy lifestyle and just taking everything that I have learned and apply it to an improved me. This will hopefully be the year of hotness, love, and advancement. I know that I should not be all gungho but I am optomistic. There are people in my life that I care deeply for and I fear what this new year will mean to them. One is in poor health and is too scared to get a bone marrow transplant which could cure her disease. I even offered to get tested for her. I would gladly give her my marrow. But her doctors are against it and she is scared that it will kill her. Another friend is making some dangerous decisions and will not heed any warnings from me. It hurts me that the two most special people in my life have these hurdles. They are truly wonderful people with big hearts. They have showed me what it means to be a friend. Since at times I have been selfish and unavailable to them, while they are there for me ( one I had known since I was 5 and the other when I was 18). I trust them and there is nothing like being able to trust your friends. I don't ever envision us fighting over anything serious.

Ok enough of that, there I go getting emotional again. I don't let many people in because I hate to feel. Something about the hurt feelings because of loss or whatever scare me. I actually avoid it when I can. I also hate the feeling of betrayal. That is why I don't have any new friends. Except for the one I think that I have with one person on this site. I have let people in and been betrayed and I just close myself off after bad experiences. I know that I should learn to let go and not carry it with me, but that is just how I am.

I am not sure how my plan will work. I will have to be organized and diligent. I am like the messy guy from the odd couple. I loved him because he reminded me so much of myself. I also plan to come out next year but not til my birthday. I have this new thing of using dates to do big things. Like I changed my work schedule on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I was interested in Wicca but no one wanted to try it with me so I decided to forget it. I might get some of the chlothes and tha crystal ball and some sage cuz it looks cool. I know I sound like a silly child. I have loves sci fi and I have read about magic for as long as I can remember. It just seemed like a natural progression. But I am scared of it a little so it will be fine. I still have my books and movies, that is good enough for me. I am an Atheist but I have been Catholic, then a Christian, now an Atheist. I'd rather not believe, just like I don't want to feel.

I really like this site. I ramble on and only a few people read it but thats fine. I just feel good writing this on the net. I use to write in my journal but, I want people to know me even if they do not know who I am. When I finish school I hope to make my family members that have some fatith in me proud and for my mom to see that I have potential.