So far I know that this New Year will be a difficult one for me. I have a lot of challenges ahead of me. I have no idea how I will navigate. I may have to rely on one of my friends for help. As soon as I am in a good place, I will reward her for her help. Although she is in need of some herself. I will pour everything I can into surviving this year. I know that it seem stupid to some people but I have to stay afloat and prepare to bring my love here. I will find a way to go to her country this year. I have no idea how I am going to apply for a K 1 visa. I have a lot riding on my shoulders, but if it was easy it won't be worth it. I would be lying if I said that I know that things will work out. I hope that I don't have to suffer for more than a year. To tell you the truth. I think that for 30 days of the 365 I will be ok. I have a lot of papers to fill. Things to do. I wonder if this will be an experience that is my epic story. I do not want to bring a child into this, but I think that this will be good for her as well. She is so strong that it would astound people. She did things on her own that even the doctors doubted. She has this innate strength. I do to. I have had some hard times and I have pulled through. I did not do it alone, but I was not some helpless victim either. I did my best. I want to get an A this semester. I read a story about homeless college students. I know about living in poverty. I remember people telling me that I was not poor. They think that because I have on clean clothes and I am not a drug addict that I am doing okay. I only slept in my car for a day. It was so cold outside. It is hard to stay warm in your car. I was not sure if I should have got a slew of blankets or something. I am not sure what I am going to do. I may couch surf or I may be able to stay with a friend. If the few friends I have can give me a couple months each then I should be able to be alright for the year. The minute I finish school I can work fulltime and be able to sustain until I pass my boards. For now I have planned my wedding, looked up info about the K 1 visa. I will be studying and cleaning and planning from now on. I cried for a day for so long. Now I am just planning to make it.
Ok this entry will be rather long. I will do my best. Ok here goes. I am as most of you know a single mother to one child. I have had some serious financial issues and I was able to get some help from the government (welfare). I have always been somebody that does not sit idle. I have been down and up and down again. I usually had a safety net. For a short while things were looking up for me. I did not expect this to happen to me again. My friend offered me a job with his company seasonally and I accepted. The job was 17 miles a way and I was only getting 10 hours a week. It was really not worth it. I had to leave early and put a strain on my car for such little money. My first check was 90 dollars. I had to purchase shoes because he said that the ones I owned were not suitable for the store. I went to Payless and purchased some decent shoes for 30 dollars. It also cost 10 to go to work each way. I also have an 85 dollar ticket to pay for the red light thing. I was so tired of driving and there was this really slow moving trailer in front of me and I thought that I could make it but slow moving trailer caused me to not make the light. I should have known better but I made the error. My next paycheck for two weeks was 140 dollars. 50 of those dollars went to gas. I bought food since they decreased my food stamps and I don't know what I did with the rest. Now I have gotten my last paycheck from the store and it was 207 dollars for two weeks. Of course I had pay for my friend who babysat for me. and I purchased my baby some Christmas gifts. I got her 100 dollars worth of gifts. I tried to go to Toys for Tots, but they game me nail polish, a 5 dollar perfume thing and a used dirty teddy bear and a pot holder maker and candy land which she has. I was disappointed in the toys that I supposedly got. I gave the rest away and just handed her the candy land. I know it seems ungrateful, but come on she is a kid, can she have some actual toys from the Tots people. I still have not wrapped the presents under the tree. I did buy the white tree that she wanted and I had a card from HomeDepot, so I was able to get some stuff for the tree. It looks amazing. My daughter also has a scar on her face because my friend who was babysitting let the kids play with an umbrella in the house and her son opened it and it cut her face from near her eye to her mouth. I was so upset when I saw it. I am still upset but there is nothing that I can do about it. I at least made sure that I bought her son to her in the same condition that I received him. I have been trying to put stuff on it so that it will fade over time like when the cat scratcher her deep and it left a mark for at least 4 years. I will stay on top of it. So I received an offer to work for this company that I applied for at the mall. I like the company, but I am not a fan of the job, but a job is a job, so I will just be grateful. I will be making 9 dollars and hour. I will only be working 20-25 hours a week. That is not much money but today I was told by welfare that because it is more than the 325 that I receive from them that I will lose my housing and will be left to my own devices. I also went to get toys from them. I received a tie die kit and a cheap white doll. I'm black, my daughter has white dolls but the famous ones. I know I am picky, but I am not going to give my baby scraps. Meanwhile I saw people with bags filled with Monster High and cool stuff. It seemed that the people who only had one child were getting the worse toys. I am not even exaggerating. One woman got a ball and a baby toy. Another one got some lame thing. While the people with numerous kids were getting Nerf, guitars and race cars and stuff. I gave my gift to some woman that was going around collecting toys for her kids at different charity places. My daughter is not wearing any tie die stuff and she has lots of cool dolls. Enough of my toy debacle. I then see the man I have trusted to help me with my rent. It is called TRA. You are allowed a lifetime of no more than 3 years of housing assistance. After the first year, most people waste it up in overpriced shelters, they don't do it by choice, the government determines that you should be in a shelter and then you have to apply and most people get denied, for Temporary Rental Assistance. If you have good work history and if you are not sanctioned from your activity (work for free) then they may approve you. Every county is different and some that have more money than others are much nicer in the way that they treat you etc. He tells me don't worry. Bring me in your pay stubs and we'll see. But he told me where to go for more info. I did ask him what my options were, as I was crying, he told me that there were not many, he did not give me one option. I am not unable to hold back my tears because I have no idea how I am going to pay this overprices rent and what I'm going to do about my baby. I cried uncontrollably for about another hour. I go to Proceeds. I talk to my counselor there. They gave me some good advice and I was so thankful to them. I had to be at work in 2 hours and I had to find a way to control my crying. I calmed down. Picked up my baby and told her that we would have to be very careful with money and I will not have much of it to spend on fun stuff. I will not be making much money. I will tap into the grant to help me cover the rent that I can not pay. I will go to every charitable organization and beg for help with my rent. I just plan to save up most of my pay in order to be able to stay here. I can not move out because I just started this job and my credit is shot and when I was looking I could not find anyone willing to give me a chance. What will be my odds after I break this lease. I have to find a way to stay here, at least until I finish school. I can then go for my CNA license until I take the NCLEX and can start working in the nursing field. I am going to study real hard because my life depends on me being successful in this program. I have to put away the tears and work and work and work. It makes me wonder how we can be helping so many other people other than citizens, while citizens are suffering. I remember recently those people's tent city got destroyed. We can not afford to live. How horrible is that to say in America. I am all cried out at this point. I may have moments when the tears will fall uncontrollably again but for now I have to stay focuses. I love my baby. She said to me the other day "I love you Mommy, you're the best Mommy" I said "Yeah poor Mommy" she said "You're trying." That was real sweet of her. She helps me around the house now a little more. I was able to get her some sneakers on sale. I now have to buy a lift for her though. They cost 40 dollars. I have no choice. Her foot hurts from being so high. The insurance gives me such a hard time that I just go to a shoe maker a few towns away that knows about her condition. He has been making her lifts since she started walking. She's a little fighter herself. she does not let much stop her. I stopped getting the lift for her because it was on the outside and people would stare and make comments and she was very embarrassed. I think now that they can make it on the inside so that no one would know. I am going to do in tomorrow. She will be so happy. She will have to wear her old shoes for just one more day as I get it ready for her. I have only 51 dollars in my account. I think that I will wait until after I get paid this weekend. We are having a nice Christmas dinner. I am going to forget my troubles for that day. I just want to be with her and a friend is coming over. I have weathered the storm before. I can do it again. I will try to keep you posted as much as I can. I only have internet so we'll see how this goes. I know that this is long. It hurts that this is my life, but I am trying. I hope that a young woman or man reads my blogs about the single mother struggle and decides to pursue their dreams and decides not to become a parent until they are ready. I can not call her father for help, he does not care. I can not call my family for help, they do not care. I am on my own and it is something that I don't wish on my worse enemy. When I become a nurse. I will be so compassionate to my patients. I have had to endure this thing we call life for too long. I know about pain, physical, emotional, and mental anguish. I think when this ordeal is all over I will get a tattoo that reads solace. The struggle is real, don't let it be yours if you can avoid it.
Things are going great. She proposed to me and I said yes. I love her with all of my heart. I am actually going to write a letter to Obama or to some congressional people to see if they will let me get the fiance visa. It would save me right now if she could come to the US. I am drowning, she is my life vest, I need her right now. I am going through such a tough time right now and it is going to be a struggle to stay afloat this upcoming year in a half. I asked her if she could write a letter to Obama as well, but she said that it was too much. I know that she does not like the idea of begging, but I don't think she knows how desperate I am for her to be in my life right now. I guess in her culture it is not something that one does. I am going to at least try. I love her and I need my family together, since I don't have one in the context of most traditional ones. I forgot to mention that I got my results back and I do not have Herpes. I have no STDs and I plan on being with one woman and I trust her and she will get tested as well. She has had a hard time recently as well, We will not be able to help each other much, but we will be there for each other.
After one of the Prof. put a fire under my but. I studied hard. I passed that test with an 88. I was anxious the whole time thinking that I failed. We then had two more topics thrust upon us. The first one after the exam was not too bad. I also did my labs and it was very nice. I enjoyed learning about how to give injections, the right way. It was the grouchy one, but she was not so bad. She gave us the freedom to do it ourselves. Ok then we get the next topic. The next topic was 7 chapter, now remember that the final is cumulative. How was I suppose to study for the final and learn 7 chapters in a week. I barely looked at it because I just knew that it would not be on the test that much. I studied a little but it was weird. As I was studying I knew the stuff, it was like watching a rerun. I read over things that I knew would be on the exam. I then went in to take the exam. I was very worried. I did not like the exam at all. I hate test of any kind. I had to look online for my grade. I passed. I got a B. I could have done better but I was in this new relationship. It distracted me a bit. I registered today and I am ready for the next semester. My friends in class also passes so I get to see them next semester which will be awesome.
She asked me to marry her yesterday on Skype. I said yes. I am waiting for my std test to come through. She said that she would still stay with me even if I come up positive for herpes. I love her but I feel guilty. If I have herpes I don't want her to get it too. I love her and I was with one person in all of 9 years and I have to worry about STDs. She had Chlamydia and told me that she had no STDs. I'm so mad at myself for being so smitten with this other chic that I ignored common sense and may have to live with herpes until someone comes up with a cure. I think if they can come up with a cure for Hep C then they should be on their way to finding one for Herpes. I have an exam in the morning, I may find out if I have Herpes or Syphyllis. She loves me and I know that I am lucky to have her in my life. I will let you know in a few days how my test went. All of them.
I feel better today. I still have concerns, but I love her a lot. She is in a better mood thank goodness. It is so weird because I get the same way sometimes. We all have flaws. I ate breakfast and I plan on eating very little for the rest of the day. I am hoping to lose 12 pounds a month. that is not too unhealthy. I want her to look at me and feel like she has hit the lottery. I'm not super attractive or anything, but I look cute with make-up on. I think that if I had make-up on when we spoke, that maybe she would think that I was prettier. It is just that I don't wear it while I am just chilling in my house and I don't have time to do it because I am usually busy. I think that I am going to have to find a way to make the time. I really love her and I think that she loves me too. It is just hard because we are so far apart and we will not be able to meet until a year after we have begun this love affair. I think about being with her all the time. I want to be with her so bad. I don't think that I will be able to do anything when we first meet, this desire is building up. She is so so attractive. Her body is just so nice. When I think about her I feel like I am the lucky one.
I am so confused. I wrote her a letter and she finally got it. She responded to me and I have not looked at it yet. I tried so hard all week and she still kept getting mad at me. One minute she is fine then she is not. I took down her picture from my wall. I took it off of my phone. I thought that maybe I should just ignore her for a bit. Since she told me that she was going to cringe because I said that I wanted to talk. That hurt a bit. I can't believe that she said that to me. I love her of course but she is to up and down for my taste. I usually don't allow negative people into my life because I feel that they bring me down. I don't like drama too much. A little is okay, but I don't like for someone to put me down. The thing is growing up, my mom and classmates said nasty things to me for years. I hated it, but there was nothing that I could do about it. As I got older I just avoided negative people because I want to find peace. I want to look at the notes and she what she has to say, but I don't like her attitude lately. I don't want to be immature about the situation so I am not sure what to do. She like the letter I saw that much, but there is nothing in the letter that I have not told her. I just want to know what is going on with her, but she gets mad at me saying that I know what is wrong. Maybe she is under a lot of pressure from things going on and I should be more understanding. I just don't know what to do. I keep saying the wrong things. I tried to apologize but it was useless. This is not a good week and next week won't be so good either seeing as how I will be getting my tooth pulled out right before my birthday. I wanted to go to the movies by myself and have popcorn. I think that I will go to bingo like I did last year for my birthday, not that it mattered because I did not win. I feel like I am living a solitude life. Like I have a girlfriend but it's not real. We are unable to be together and things are not so happy right now. I'm just gonna chill out. I don't know what to do, but I will chill out. I don't want to deal with any negativity right now. I have exams and work and my daughter to focus on. If I keep saying the wrong things all the time to her lately, I will not talk to her or even look at the note. I don't need the added stress and neither does she. She can focus on what she has to. I will continue to do the little things that I do for her, I just won't bother her. Maybe I'm smothering her, I can be a bit intense. She is having a nice birthday party in a few days. She can laugh and dance and have a good time with her loved ones. I'll be fine. We still love each other so it should be okay. Couple go through this. We are both fire signs so we can sometimes be too much for each other. I was going to write something beautiful about her because I felt so in love with her, but then we got into this mess so then the desire and words dissipated. I love her, so I will just deal with this weirdness in our relationship. I have even lost the desire to see what she wrote. I don't thing that she meant to hurt me with her disrespectful comment that talking to me makes her cringe, because she knew that it would be bad. That was not something that she should have said, but I say stupid stuff to, so all is forgiven. It is weird with her picture not up. It's just that when I looked up I kept seeing her face and she was smiling and there was a picture that she sent me of her and that smile that was on her face because of her ex, makes me feel like I don't measure up. I wanted to know what was it about that situation or her that made her smile so beautifully. If you saw that smile you would know what I was talking about. It was a smile that they want to capture for toothpaste commercial, it was a smile of pure happiness. I don't think that I can give her that. I know that she is not with her, but I know that she sometimes misses being with her. It's okay, I don't miss any of my exes, nor do I think about them and look like I still want them. When she talks about her ex, it is like she is talking about being with a super hot amazing chic that she will never find again. I'm not even jealous. I think it is because I am starting to think that she is not my soul mate. I think that her perfect woman embodies her ex. I don't like second place. I don't know how it is going to work out. I truly think that we are wasting each other's time. I love her with all of my heart and she kinda likes me. If you saw her face when she talks about her ex, you would say why are you with me. I know that she is only not with her because she wants to be with a lesbian, but I don't think that I am that lesbian. I wonder if there is someone out there that would smile at me the way that she smiled at her ex in that picture. I don't think that I'm meant to find love in the life. I'm cool with that, I've been alone for 8 years, that little fling that I had for 2 months was not a relationship, the girl reminded me all the time that she had no feelings for me it was just hooking up. Then she kept making me feel like crap no matter what I tried then she would kind of apologize. She wanted me in her life but she did not want to let me in. I think because she was an alcoholic and drug addict. She said that she was not a lesbian, that she was bi and did not want to be in a relationship with a woman. That I was a lesbian and that it would never work. She was right, she was nuts. I went back to look at her page and was disgusted at the fact that I ever liked her. She is so fat and unattractive, I was at a bad place then and susceptible to questionable decisions at the time.
I don't know what to say or even how to write about how things are going. It feels sometimes like I'm dating myself. We are different in many ways, but we both have mood swings. We do not have them at the same time so it is hard. Right now she is very moody. I understand that she has a lot of things going on in her life, but no matter what I say it is the wrong thing. I try to apologize and she still is mean about it. I erased almost all of our messages from WhatsAPP. Some were sweet so I kept them. I gave her what I needed for myself and she has no idea. I know that she is stressed out, but what am I suppose to do. We can't even have a conversation lately. Believe it or not, when we were upset with each other, I did not say that I had school work to do she did. I tried to talk to her, it is just not working. I am scared to talk to her. One minute I talk to her and we are laughing in love and happy, then the next day I say things that irritate her. I almost want to throw the towel in. I love her, but as I think about our future together I worry about her temper and I don't know if I want to walk on eggshells. I use to wonder why we were not able to be together and be upset that we weren't. Now I think that it is good that we are not together. I kinda think that we are not going to make it. I don't like her attitude. I guess relationships are like this, but I though we could be happy first. Maybe two Sagittariuses are not meant to be together. I have not been mood in a while. I mostly get really sad. I can't to do anything to try to smooth things over because it it a long distance relationship. I thought that it would be nice to be in love. Not feeling very loved right now.
Today was a busy day. Parent teacher meeting. I had to do it over the phone because I was heading to the gyno. I wanted to make sure that I did not have any stds before I got involved in my new relationship. My relationship is not doing so good right now. So she tells me that first lets focus on getting the blood sugar down. Ok. I love to eat and I really feel like I'm addicted to sugar. Especially soda, something about that fizz. My gf is mad at me and I don't like it but I will not apologize for something that I don't think that I did. I think that she lied and she probably did. Then I run to an interview. I was 7 minutes late. I thought that they would think that I was not worth it by coming in late. She was cool. I mean so cool. I really want to work for the store. I talked to her about my school schedule and everything. She can only give me 9 dollars an hour. That is not much money but I want to go to work. I don't know what that will mean with welfare. I hope that I can work and keep my benefits. I understand if they take some things away but if I work only 3 to 4 hours a day for a few days a week how can I pay my bills. Unfortunately my bf offered me a job and I don't want to bail on him, but the job is an hour away and it is not much money in terms of driving 2 hrs a trip and I am only making 40 buck minus tax and gas for one week. That is not much and when the weather gets bad what am I going to do? I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm stressed out. But I am good. A part of me feels like killing myself but I push through. It is weird. It is like I battle this urge to when things get bad. How am I going to tell my bf that I may have to bail on him last minute. I feel so guilty. It is like the part of my brain that controls emotions goes into overdrive when bad things happen. My daughter keeps me going. She is my foundation. That is a lot of pressure for a child, but she does not know. I just put on my pretend face all the time. Right now I feel like crying but then I also am mad so it's a bit much, too many different emotions.
Ok me and my gf got into it again over fb. She is talking to me and posting videos on fb. I think that is rude. She was irritated because I was not giving her undivided attention, but I was busy. So if you want me to give you attention I expect the same. For 2 days I have been talking to her and she basically did not care about what I had to say. I spoke to one of my best friends. She is not happy about this new relationship. She says that she is using me. My gf acts like she does not care whether she lives in the US or not, but I know that she does want to live here. I sometimes don't feel like she loves me, I know that she does, but when she gets in her moods, I don't like it. I know that I have my moods as well, but it is hard when I have to deal with it. My friend says that if she was dating someone from a 3rd world country I would say the same thing. She is right. I'm not certain on things. I don't have any idea how this whole thing works. There are some things that I don't understand, but I don't ask because she may get offended. It is not easy being in this situation. I don't want to be taken for a fool. I don't want her to come and just leave me. I don't know if she loves me. She lies and I know it but I don't want to start any arguments. I'm going to do what I always do and keep my mouth shut to keep the peace I suppose. Her bd is coming up soon and it is going to be hard but I don't think that I will talk to her much. I don't feel the love and I don't like her mood. My bd is coming up soon. It is a shame that the holidays are coming up, but I don't want to talk to her right now and I don't think that I will change my mind tomorrow. I'm going to tell her that I have to study and do the usual casual conversation. Gm and gn and Hbd and stuff. I'm not going to pretend and I'm not going to fight with her. I don't have fight left in me. She should just be honest. I've been honest with her. I feel like crying.
Today I was excited to go to lab. We were going to do needle injections today. At first we did a few hand outs. They were just to keep us occupied while smaller groups went up to practice giving injections. Finally I went up with my group. We did ok, there was one girl that needed a little more help, she kept pointing the needle up. That is a big no no.We are learning how to do the injections with two hands, but I think that it is like driving. In the beginning we learn to do it with both hands but after a while everyone just does it with one hand. I don't ever remember seeing a nurse use both hands to give an injection. I went on YouTube which was quite helpful because I learned what they meant when they said aspirate. I knew it had to do with air, but I did not know how we were to do it or why. Now I do and although watching the instructional video helpful, it was in no way a huge preparations for the actual thing. I gave a fake insulin injection. It was a little nerve wrecking. I pulled through. At first I took the cap of pulled the air back. I was suppose to keep the cap on, while I pulled the air back. I knew not to aspirate the insulin needle. That was drilled into my head by the Prof. and the instructional videos. After we were done with our practice, one girl asked can we buy needles to practice with. OMG, they almost had a heart attack. They told us under no circumstances are we to get any needles. That if we have needles in our cars that we will be arrested, then they went on and on about how it would be to our detriment if we attempted to procure needles for any reason and to not ever bring it to school. That if we do we will get the police called on us. I was in some serious shock. All I kept thinking was what if someone had diabetes, would it still be illegal. You would think she asked them where can she get some heroin. It was amazing their reaction to a simple question. It was a legitimate question in my opinion. Maybe there were fake needles that we could practice with. The hand and angle thing will take some time. I still need to practice taking blood pressure. I still have not asked my friend I will.
As usual we discussed any concerns that I had about things that I was not comfortable with. Things are good. We are not in communication as much as usual due to the demands of our school. I'm happy I sometimes miss her but what can I do. We have to sacrifice for our goals. I just want to get in shape now. I'm good and so is she. I'm happy.
After the test I had last week I was really worried about my future in nursing. However some things have come up that have put me in a better position to succeed. The test that I had last week did not go so good. I ended up with a C+, I would have gotten a B but I went back and changed 3 of my original answers, I let my nerves get the best of me. I usually don't change answers like that. I usually just reread everything to see if maybe I misunderstood the question, rather than change it because I think that my answer is not good enough. I had to wait to the end of class to receive my grade. She went over Pharmacology and a different needles and how to measure them. We will be practicing on how to give injections. During class I listened to her lecture, usually I kind of ignore them because they just read from the book. I figure that I can do that on my own. I want to get a high grade on this upcoming exam. I am almost done with one chapter but I have to already work on the math and start pharmacology. I read the power point notes, but I have to read the book. Ok so she is going over everything. One girl just came from working the overnight shift, she is so tired, she just falls asleep. It is like that sometimes. I don't know what they are going to do when the next semester starts. She says that if we come in tired and she can tell, we will be asked to leave. I tend to work more in the middle of the night. I take a nap at night get up drink some coffee and work until 4 am. I don't know why. She then goes over the exam. I am upset with myself for going back and changing my answers. Some people start to dispute some of the answers. She tells them that she will stop the review if we continue argue with her. People continue to get loud and continue behaving just like the kids in my daughter's class. I just sit there like this is not good. One guy makes some weird sound and she thought that it was a phone, he said it was a celebratory whistle ( who does that). Allow me to rewind, she said before she began the review to remove everything, no cell, recorders, or pen and paper. She even tells us to raise our hands. I was like is she serious, she was. She then tells us that all meltdowns should be done in the bathroom and no sharing scores and no personal celebratory noises. I can't believe the level of immaturity in the class. I just sit there silently. She has to look to my corner a lot, the women behind me talk a lot. People are shushing people. People just can't help but to talk. I just can't understand it. That is pretty much how it went. Now that my grades are ok. I have to go and purchase malpractice insurance, which has to be in by the end of the semester. It should not cost more than $38, she says if we pay more than we paid for the LPN one. When that Prof. comes in people cringe, she is so mean and intimidating. She literally gets annoyed anytime someone ask her a question or makes a mistake on something they were suppose to do. I have to find a way to practice blood pressure. I'm gong to practice on a few of my friends. I did not read the one that stated that we had to do 2 vital signs lab. So now I have to make that up. At least now I know. I am so excited to do well this semester. Next semester I plan to give it 100%. Oh yeah I have a new assignment that will allow me to get more studying time in. I will leave it at that, to not mess myself up. If anyone has any questions comment. I signed a privacy thing so I can not answer questions about specific test questions sorry. I also cut the amount of time that I talk to my girl, so I focus more on school and she is doing better as well. We know that we have to focus on school more. Our relationship is secure and if it is not at least we will have our education.
I am in a long distance relationship with someone that I love very much. I have been feeling lonely lately. I do want some physical contact. I can't even think of any other woman because no one compares to her. There is no other her and I said to myself and to her that I was in this for the long run. Her profile says single and I don't like it. I understand that she is from a homophobic country but, it makes me feel insignificant. She does not have to put down in a relationship, she can put down married. I know people who put that down just so that people don't bother them on fb. I don't know, lately I don't think that she wants to move to the US. She wants to finish school in her country and that will be another 2 years. To be in a long distance relationship for 3 years is insane. I don't know if it is worth it, I don't want to waste my time. I am being completely honest and faithful, but what if I'm doing it in vain. I like thrift stores and second hand because it is economical and a super good deal. She feels otherwise. I want to be understanding of the fact that we are different, but her immediate disgust of something being used set alarms off in my head. Slowly she is opening up to me more and I am cool with that and a bit elated at how comfortable we can be with each other. I don't know if she can be faithful to me for so long. I had only planned on us maybe doing this for a year in a half. She was suppose to visit me for 2 weeks and I was planning on visiting her as well for 2 weeks. I am not happy about this almost 3 year wait. I am not sure how to bring this up with her, there are schools here and if we are married she can still apply for help with school. I am starting to think that she wants to come when I am completely financially stable. I don't know how I feel about the fact that she is not willing to struggle with me. I am going to discuss this with her, I want a life partner. I don't want us to have any bad moments so I will wait to bring it up to her. I was sitting there like what. Do you even want to live with me? Do you love me? Do you know what kind of love I want? I love her unconditionally. I accept all there is and I am willing on helping her in any way that I can, because that is what two people who plan to spend forever together does. I am much older than her so I have to take that into consideration and I may have started her thinking that everything is peaches and cream. There are times that plans have to be altered due to unexpected circumstances. I can not predict the future but if plan A fails I go to plan B. I have not had a glamorous life, I am working towards a little conformability but me and her are not as different as she may think. Yes there are some luxuries here that may not be readily available over there, but trust me it is minimal. I won't get to meet her family, none of them. I don't exist, I will always be her little secret. There are some things that I will appear to accept, but in my heart I don't. I don't like being her little secret. I know that she loves her family but I want them to know that I am going to be her wife. If they accept it ok, but I don't like being a secret, it's like I a shameful thing, something disgusting. I understand being a secret while she is there, but once she leaves and we are married, I believe that they should know. I guess compromises have to be made. I just hope that I don't lose myself by letting all these things that I don't agree with be allowed to persist in our relationship. I wonder how many other things I will have to accept. She may not want anymore children. I want more children, at least one with her. I don't know. I just love her so much. I am not sure this is what I want for my life. I'm not in the closet anymore, it is not a comfy place to be. I will just cut back our time and focus more on school. I don't have the time to fill my head up with stuff like this. I don't look for anyone to date. I look at other women, but not to do anything with them. I am getting a little sick of not being able to talk about things with her. She like to just pretend that things are fine. I know one thing I will not be in a long distance relationship with anyone for 3 years. I will give it 2 years and that will be it. After 2 years if we are not married then I am going my separate ways. If she wants to stay and finish school then she can meet someone else. I will not let her waste her time. I will tell her that I will do this for 2 years but after that if she chooses to stay in her country I'm done. I can not move to her country because it is homophobic and we could never be a family and it has too many problems for me to put my daughter through. All of this happened today. I just heard this I may stay here for a little while longer. Who has a relationship with someone for 3 years and only sees the person 2 weeks a year. I am not dating someone in the military and I never would for this exact reason and the fear of losing them to senseless war. She has things going through her head and she is keeping them to herself, which is ok, I know that it takes time to get past her defenses. I feel a bit selfish because truth is I was not looking for anyone anyway and I would rather be alone then be with someone and still be alone.
Today was lab. It was ok. We sat and watched some clips on nutrition. The clip was of patients with different dietary needs. One of them did not eat much because his wife was sick and he did not feel comfortable eating with out her. Then we saw a woman that had problems eating due to dysphasia. We saw things to look out for, such as pocketing ( when someone keeps food in their mouth), we also saw that we should clean their mouths after each meal. We then saw a woman who had a nasogastric tube. She was mouth breathing and looked really ill. She was a bit orientated but she unable to communicate well. It was informative. I have not dealt with patients that had nasogastric tubes ( I've only dealt with the ones that had the g-tubes. We then had a worksheet to finish, but then my group got called to go up. We were to feed a patient. The Prof. chose one girl to answer questions and the girl did not know any of the answers both times that she was called on. I gave her the answer because I was not sure if she is just shy or if she did not know the answer. I found it hard to believe when we just saw the clip. I don't know her that well so I have no idea if she is doing well or not. She looks nice when she comes to class. One girl went up and she pretended to feed the patient. She did not do so well, but it is hard when you do not have any experience in health care doing patient care. I believe that we need more instruction and time in the skills lab. I still have to practice a lot of things. I am going to ask my friends but it is hard to make time. After we had that little training it was time to go. Lab is 3 hours long and we get a 20-30 minute break when we can, but it goes by fast. I would like us to do more hands on practice. I think that we should watch the clips on our own time and do hands on. Then I handed in my medical paperwork (although if I fail to badly I would just have wasted my time) and since I forgot to bring her copies I went back to get them and when I returned she was talking to the other professors so I waited, I did not want to interrupt their because she can be harsh. I know that I bombed that exam. I am so upset about it. The only thing is there are no second chances in this course. They were talking about how we are not doing well in the skills lab. One said that we were tired and the harsh one said that we are lazy there is nothing more to it. Yet when I wanted to spend more time in the lab she did not allow it. Now I have to work on my calculations and I have only 4 weeks to do it. I don't know what will happen at this point. I can try a different school. If I fail this course I will not be able to take it for another year and I will have to pay the grant money back which is in the thousands. I will just get a job and save up to go to school when I can. I am going to do the best that I can on my other exams and hope to chance that it is enough. 6 more days until I know what I got. A lot of people did not do well from the lecture that we received. They are even thinking of adding an entrance exam for entrance into the nursing program. It seems that the fact that English is not some people's native tongue is affecting them in the course, not because they do not know, but because their understanding of the words' meaning. I don't know they seem to know that most of us will not make it. I heard one of them say that we'll be weeded out by April. I really wish that I did not hear that conversation. It kinda bought down my morale, but it's life I suppose. I think that next time they want to bash us they should at least close the door and bash us in private, not in the hall where anyone can hear. It was as if they did not care if we heard them or not. One Prof. tried to defend us.
Today was my exam. I was so unprepared. I know that I failed it. I am only hoping that i did not fail to bad to redeem myself. I have no idea what I am going to do if I fail this class. I have not failed a class in over 5 years. I know that it is mostly my own fault. It was 7 chapters that were small print and some were 14 pages and some were 40. It was a lot of material and only but so many questions. We are not allowed to discuss our exam but we did. A lot of people were worried. Some did ok. I had some right answers and then I second guessed myself and changed. them. I knew one of them but then I changed it because it did not look right. I am dreading this upcoming week. I stopped drinking so much coffee at my doctor's request. I am just going to have to put a slight strain on my heart if I have any hope of redemption for this disaster I caused. I tried to see if there was something that I could do to save myself, but the Prof said that we could not do anything about it. She asked me why I think that I did not do well. I told her but it does not matter. I don't think that she expected it from me and to be honest neither did I. It is late right now and I am not tired because I had some coffee. I took my daughter to Chuck E Cheese, because there was a fundraiser at her school. She had a ball and I had fun too. I am a mom too. She has sacrificed so much. I can't take her childhood away from her for a whole year. What if I did tomorrow. I want her to have some fond memories and I want to experience them with her. I loved to see her laugh and run around. I mostly get time to study at night. That is why I had the coffee. I misses my therapy because I was running errands after school. After the exam we went over nutrition. It was short. We are expected to complete the online quiz by tonight. I don't get the speed at which this course is going, but I guess this is how they weed out the weak. When we were discussing nutrition. Two people mentioned they were vegan, when the topic came up. People got a little disrespectful. We are different. Yes we are built to eat meat, but some people make the decision not to, we should respect that, it does not effect us in anyway. One man got upset and said that they eat grass, the Prof. pointed to him for him to come see her. I think that she was going to kick him out. He had this look on his face as if he did nothing wrong. He stayed in his seat and she let it go. Little side conversations have been getting out of had in the class. She actually had to move someone. I was like wow, we are adults and the Prof. at this stage of the game is removing people. We never fully grow up I suppose.
Me and my girl had a serious talk that literally lasted 2 days. After all was said and done I felt good. I am hormonal during my period and although she thought that everything was good I felt differently, about how things were between us. I was worried about the ex girlfriend but now I am completely secure about it. I know that she found her to be attractive and still does. I am okay with that now. I am not sure how it happened but I am. She did send me a picture of her smiling (She is absolutely beautiful when she smiles), it was a picture that her ex took. I deleted it because I want her to smile like that for me. I feel secure in our relationship. I know that there is a possibility of other women trying to steal her from me. I know that there is a possibility that cheating may occur but that is something that I think us women have come to accept in relationships. I still know that she will come back to me. I love her like I've never loved anyone. I have been in love before but it was different because that relationship was doomed from the start. He was never mine and I was always going to be the other woman. He was always cheating and I could never be happy with him. I am thrilled that me and him are over. She is all mine, I don't have to share her with anyone and I know that when I am able to be with her, she'll be mine. I can talk to her about almost anything. We laugh together. We are both weird and a little geeky. We are comfortable around each other. We can share so much with each other. I look forward to talking to her, to hearing her voice, seeing her smile, joking with her. We know that our families will not accept us but our love is undeniable. I sometime wish people could just understand that two women can love each other, it is normal. I can't imagine being with anyone else. She is so sexy and tall and strong. When she gets serious it is super sexy. When she gets mad at me I sometimes want to cry, because I just want to make her happy, but it is an attractive thing. I want to spoil her. I always want to spoil people that I care about. I wish that I had stayed employed maybe we could start the paper work sooner, so that we could be together. She really cares about my feelings and about me. She cares about my daughter and my daughter like her. She calls her mom, but she does not talk about her to others because she says that people don't like gay people. Oh well, it is what it is. I have all these plans for our future. If I continue to do well in school and stay focused we can have a nice life. She is working hard on her end so that when we get married we can have a life filled with love and accomplishment. I can't wait to feel her arms around me. We will have to wait a year to see each other, because of our schedules. We are suppose to meet in late June or early July. That is a long wait but the problem is I will be in an intense summer class. The last day is July 31st. I don't know how to tell her. We already had to change the date from January to June now I have to change it to Aug 1st. I cant lie to her so I am not going to say anything until July, that way she it won't seem that bad. I can't be in school and pay any attention to her. I won't even be able to have fun on the weekend. I don't want that. I want to be able to do something. It will be only 2 weeks longer than we have planned. We will be doing a long distance relationship for almost a year before we see each other. It will not be hard for me, but I know that it will be hard for her. I wish that I could go there and surprise her but it will cost too much and because me and my daughter have different school schedules, it is not possible. I'll make it up to her. As soon as school is done for me. I will be able to go down there to visit her for like a week or two. I will be going with my daughter. I'm going with bug spray I know that much. I am not trying to catch Chick V in Jamaica. I wish that I could meet her family and be welcomed with open arms. That is what a lot of people that say gay people are trying to throw their lifestyles in people's faces don't understand. We just want to be accepted. We don't necessarily want to be accepted so much by society as we do by the people that we love. We are second class citizens even in our own families. I love that feeling that I get when I see her picture, I have one where she has a seductive look in her eyes. It sends chills all over my body. I wish that she could stay longer than 2 weeks. I wish she could stay for at least a month, but that is not possible. It is not easy saving this money, but it is worth it. I am willing to sacrifice some of my luxuries to be able to luxuriate with her. She brings me happiness and hope.
I am not going to post anything for lecture 8 because I did not go to class. Instead I was stayed home to do a paper for my uncle. I was not going to do it but he paid me and I needed the money. I also offered to do a paper for my friend she is offering me 50 dollars. I don't have much time to do these papers for them but I am finding a way. I went to lab today it was nice. We watched a few shorts on how to make a bed and how to wash a patient. It was interesting because I have been a nursing assistant for almost 6 years and I have only seen a nurse wash a patient 2x. Now a lot of hospitals and other health care facilities do not have enough linen. I have no idea why this is when they get paid so much money per day. After we had a worksheet that had questions that would help us with he NCLEX we went up to the simulation lab and practiced washing a patient and making an unoccupied bed and an occupied bed. I was partnered up with that annoying girl. She got upset when I cut her off, but she started ranting and I take this seriously. I got the notes from a classmate. I am worried about this exam because we have over 200 pages small print to study and they do not give us any help with what will be on the exam other than the structure of the exam. We go in blind into these exams. The first exam was not too bad but this one I am not sure about. I will admit a huge part is because I was talking to my girlfriend. We have stopped talking so much so that we can both focus on school. If I do fail this exam I can still come back from it. It is only 20% and I doubt that I will fail it with like a 30 or something. I am trying to finish up with the reading. I should be done by tomorrow and then I will study from Thursday to Sunday. It is not much time but I will do my best. Lab seemed to go fast today. Lately it seems to go fast because when we are in the skills lab it goes by fast. Okay I am going to study, those of you that pray, please pray for me. I know that I messed up, but there is nothing that I can do about it now. I can only try to make up for what I did not do. Some of the questions that may be on the test do not seem that hard. I am going to go back on the online quizzes and see if there were any similarities to the test that I took. Trying to dissect your future unknown exam is weird and not at all logical but it is all I have to go on. No one seems able to give you any help, other than study.
Lab was interesting. In the class we did a work sheet after she lectured a bit. I was 30 minutes late. When I came in they were watching a video about a woman that lost her child after her child went into surgery and the wall that was up when she wanted to get information about how it happened. She actually influenced change in policy and procedure. I missed most of the video but it is available online. Then one half of the class went to the skills lab while the other half stayed in the class. I wondered what was taking them so long up there. We also only received a 10 minute break. I am happy that I was late. I almost did not go because I was tired, from studying and doing my hair, until 5 am. Okay, so she is about to give us another sheet then finally the first group comes down. Then I go up with the other group. When we get there we see fake medication bingo cards are out. They call the med cart the COW. I think it was cart on wheels. We partner up. I don't get the annoying chick. We get a patient and their medication. Then we get the drug dictionary and we have to get information about the drug to tell the patient, but it ended up being the class. I got partnered up with my friend from the class. We work good. I was able to absorb the information pretty good. I actually love the hands on training. I am not sure how I will feel if I pass and move on to the next level, which is clinicals. We ran out of time and we were unable to complete our practice fully. We were rushed. We may be able to do more next week. I really wanted to use the COW. Then class was over. By the way my medication was ferrous sulfate tablet, it is basically iron. I still remember the side effects and uses. Like I said it was cool. I am starting to think that lab is my favorite day. I did not want to miss the lab because I would have to make it up. I would rather be late and get the evil eye when I get there, then have to make it up.
Today I had the Prof. that I had on the first day. She basically just reads from the book and the power point presentations. I was so tired. I fell asleep for the first half of the class. I tried to stay awake but I went to bed late that night. We were covering Medication Administration. Thankfully my years at my previous job helped. Although I fell asleep I did not miss much. She made a note of us taking notes, but I was writing a letter to my fiance. It is just that she was not saying anything that I could not read on my own. The video that they showed in class, is available online. Besides the actual skills part I feel like I could take this course online. Attendance is mandatory so I have no choice but to sit through the 4 hour class. I see why some people use to just come in for test. I know that it made some Prof. feel obsolete but, there are some classes that you can do on your own. It is not for everyone and I hate online classes but this could be done online. The lab and skills is necessary, I will admit that. I did not write any notes for the previous lectures and I did pretty good. I did write notes, but it was my own from reading the book. It was not from the lectures. I could not finish because I should have started sooner, which is why I received an 84 or 86 instead of a 90 ( I forgot). She did tell us that if we think that we can work an overnight shift and come to clinicals we are mistaken. She said anyone that comes in and looks tires, will be told to leave. That we will not work on people if we are not 100 percent alert. I understand that. She also told us that we don't need to study everything, which is good because some of these chapters are over 50 pages of small print.
Previous PostsNew Year, posted January 1st, 2015
Single Mother Struggle 1, posted December 23rd, 2014
Relationship 9, posted December 23rd, 2014
Wrapping up the semester, posted December 23rd, 2014
Relationship 8, posted December 15th, 2014
Relationship 8, posted November 27th, 2014
Relationship 7, posted November 26th, 2014
Relationship 6, posted November 26th, 2014
How I'm feeling, posted November 20th, 2014
Relationship 5, posted November 19th, 2014
Lab 11, posted November 18th, 2014
Relationship 4, posted November 17th, 2014
Lecture 10, posted November 17th, 2014
Relationship 3, posted November 12th, 2014
Lab 9, posted November 12th, 2014
Lecture 9, posted November 10th, 2014
Relationship 2, posted November 4th, 2014
Lab 8, posted November 4th, 2014
Lab 7, posted October 29th, 2014
lecture 7, posted October 28th, 2014
Lecture 6, posted October 28th, 2014
Insecurities 6, posted October 27th, 2014
Dieting the Beginning, posted October 27th, 2014
Insecurities 5, posted October 19th, 2014
Insecurities 4, posted October 13th, 2014
Nursing Lab 5, posted October 7th, 2014
Lecture Exam, posted October 6th, 2014
Relationship update, posted October 5th, 2014
Maybe I'm meant to stay single., posted October 5th, 2014
Maybe there is more going on with me?, posted October 4th, 2014
Insecurities 3, posted October 3rd, 2014
Nursing Lab 4, posted October 3rd, 2014
Insecurities 2, posted September 29th, 2014
Nursing Lecture 4, posted September 29th, 2014
Nursing Lab 3, posted September 29th, 2014
Serious Incecurities, posted September 28th, 2014
Nursing school Lec 3, posted September 22nd, 2014
Nursing school lab 2, posted September 16th, 2014
Nursing school lab 2, posted September 16th, 2014
Lesbian couple getting ready to meet, posted September 16th, 2014
Nursing school, posted September 15th, 2014
Practical Nursing Student experience, posted September 13th, 2014
Feeling confused., posted August 9th, 2014
LOW, posted July 21st, 2014
Life on welfare, posted July 16th, 2014
Shelter Life 14, posted July 3rd, 2014
Heart Hurting, posted June 25th, 2014
Tea with a straight woman, posted June 23rd, 2014
Out of Homeless Shelter, posted June 19th, 2014, 3 comments
Shelter Life 14, posted April 15th, 2014
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