I hate my place. It is a hot mess. It will take me hours to clean this pig sty. My kid insist on messing it up as much as possible. It is almost like a never ending thing. I did not feel like cleaning all day today. I have two jobs a day. One of them hardly pays me well. I made the arrangement with this lady to tutor her kid but it was suppose to be for one hour. That is what I expected but she expects me to pick him up and tutor him. His homework takes about two hours. Controlling his behavior took me two months. She wants to have to do nothing. Like I am helping him his teacher is teaching him she is suppose to supplement. But since I have not found another part-time job I am taking her 40 bucks a week and 20 for travel. She paid me less because he did not go to school one day, but I had double the homework. Which I do not think that she understands. I would try to explain it to her but she is so clueless. I don't know how I ended up in this mess. I will just look for some crappy job and tell her I can't do it anymore. I am homeschooling I have to be able to homeschool and make some money as well. I don't care I will get some foodstamps if I have to. I almost got CPS called on me because I could not adhere to the school schedule because of my job. People where telling me oh just have someone bring her and stay with her. I am not leaving my kid with just anyone just so I can make a few dollars. There are too many men and boys that rape children. I will not invite that because of a few dollars. I might see if I can get a part time at some fast food joint. I would try walmart but they don't pay much more than Mcdonalds. This is the last week that I will be working these crap hours at my job. Two more days I can hardly wait. I almost don't want to go in, but I will. I have to go to school next year. I am not even a little excited. I am thinking that maybe I want to try social work or even accounting. Ok no accounting but I think that social work would be ok for me. I just do not know how much they make or if I will have to fight to get a job. I know that they are needed especially with all the stuff going on nowadays. I have read so many books on my time off. I enjoyed it at first but now its a bit blah. I picked up another book anyway. I guess it's just because I am single and my bday is coming up soon, that I am feeling so lackluster. I will go to dinner with my daughter and get my nails and hair done. I also have to fix my car. It will cost me close to 1 grand to fix the car. I know someone but because of the weather I may have to pay the outrageous fee of the car shop. I have some money that is suppose to come to me in a few days. I will use that to celebrate my bday and to buy some exercise gear. I feel so good when the workout is done. I just have to get there. I want to get my health gear and they have a steam room. I wan to get some short shorts and a small top to just sit in there and relax some of the common everyday stresses that I have. I have to plan my bday. There will be no homeschooling day that day. Me and my daughter will just have a good time. I know that I should use the money to fix my car. But I will be irresponsible and deal with the consequences later. I am trying not to spend too much money from my paycheck so that I can have some money ready to fix the car. I will fee so much better when the car is fixed. I went to dinner for one of my best friends bday. it was so weird. I will write about that later. I would like to invite him but he just wants to be with his bf and that's ok. I don't want him to come out of obligation and he just wants to leave to be with his bf the whole time. I would rather that I spend it with my daughter. I like his bf but his bf is not my best friend. I would love to spend it with my besties but one of them is not allowed to leave and have a good time( she is over 30) and no not because of a husband but because of her father. I don't ask she seems to think that it's normal. We seem to be drifting because of it I think. I will write about my best friends later. I just want to feel special on my bday. My mom could care less she just wants to be the center of attention and be with her bf. I'm ok with that really. I would like to have a clean house for my bday. That will be quite an overtaking. I will be free soon so I may be able to make it happen. I was just watching my big fat Gypsy wedding. It is quite a show. I like it because, they are interesting. I will be getting paid on my bday. I have to pay rent but I may have to be short if it will take away from my day. There will be many happy birthday post on my fb. It is nice to have your page filled with bday comments. Ok done now.
Ok so I'm on facebook and I notice a natural hair page. I click on it to check it out. I see white people on it. I can not speak for all black people so just my opinion. I do not know that many white people, so I don't understand the whole curly hair thing. When I would see white people or Spanish people with curly hair. I thought that they loved it. I thought that it looked nice. I know that some people straighten it, but then I know that they get perms to make them curly. I had a teacher that permed her hair. I never saw her hair straight. But from the page that I just went on I see that some of them had to learn to love their curly hair. A part of me felt that this whole natural hair movement belonged to us. I just recently got introduced to it from the youtube post. I have no idea how I ended up on the natural hair thing. I saw some videos and decided to cut my hair. I hated how it looked after getting it relaxed. It looked good for like 2 weeks and the scabs from the burns sucked. I was just sick of the whole process. When I saw those videos everyone's hair seemed to grow really fast after a year and they had this thick head of hair. It is not the case for me. My hair did grow almost 4 inches. It shrinks a lot so the only time that the length is noticed is after a shower. I don't care about that. I was expecting a fierce afro. Instead it's a beginner afro.. I am still learning about my hair. I wish that my mother knew about hair. She is a hair dresser but she does not understand how to take care of our hair, in it's natural state. I decided that I was being silly trying to claim something that I did not fully understand. We are women after all. Some men, but hey hair is hair. I will admit that I do like my hair but I do not love it. Sometimes I see young people with long soft silky hair and I want it. But I am black and I do not have that hair. Yes I can and will eventually buy the overpriced hair and enjoy it for a short time but I guess that we all have to learn to at least like certain things about ourselves that we have no power over. I do have power over my weight and I need to go to the gym. I want to get one of those silly shirts that say bgdwo. I think that's what it says. The thing is where I am at there does not seem to be too many people any where near my weight so I don't get the whole mantra. I had a friend that I use to work out with but now because of our schedules and location it has not been easy. I guess that I will have to go it alone. That word again. Guess I should get used to it.
If anyone wants to comment on any of my blogs feel free to do so. I will respond usually. I will admit if someone says something nasty to me for no reason I will respond tastefully. I don't like cursing and all that nonsense. I don't have a wide vocabulary so it will not be all crazy. I honestly thought that just a few people glanced at them. I sometimes feel like I am putting my life on here to make myself feel better. Something about getting it out that feels good. I bought another heater from Walmart a Lasko. It is awesome. It heats the place up so good that I have to turn it off most of the time. Things will soon be fixed around here. I am not using my time as wise as I should. This is the first week that I have a bit of a break. I will be cutting more time from my job. I plan on finding another one. My job put me in an area that I despise. So I told the lady that I'm done. I will still be there but not on a regular basis. Just enough to pay my bills. I have other things going on the side that bring me a little income. It's not much but it is enough. I am not one to need a lot. I can spend with the best of them, but now I have so much stuff that the only thing that I need are clothes. I have hair and body stuff to last me 2 years and makeup. The foundation is the only thing that I have to keep buying other than that I have everything else to last who knows how long. I don't care what they say I am not throwing out my makeup. The only thing that I had to throw out was the mascara but I had that for over 2 years. I will probably buy a few things in terms of footwear and then clothes. I plan on buying a few for certain events and then a wardrobe of like 15 outfits that are interchangeable. In my opinion winter last 9 months and we have summer for only 3 months. Sometimes the heat comes early but not usually. I am excited for Obama care. I hope that I can afford it. Things are ok now. I am getting ready for the holiday season. I want a real tree this year not that tacky plastic hanging on wire. They should really try to get tree that looks like one. I actually never noticed why people felt the need to have a real tree until this year. I will start of with a small fat tree then work my way up. I have to start getting the house ready. I care about the feeling of Christmas then I do the gifts. I may only buy my baby three of four gifts. Something with in my price range but I am ready for hot cocoa and the décor and making things from ACmoore together. The smell of pine and the colors of the tree at night with the music. And since I will not be at work I will be able to truly enjoy the end of the year with my favorite little creation. The whole day will be devoted to family time. I will plan it all out starting tomorrow.
I would like to get one of those cool phones so that I can just post blogs when I am in a moment. I love bingo. It is a highlight of my month. I do not think that it is because I am not in a relationship. I tend to be a bit odd. Not too odd but not what you would expect. People like me enough but they don't ever truly get me. Doesn't really matter. I am who I am. So as I am chilling at bingo, I notice that some of the older ladies are wearing clothes that I own. Like not even similar, actual copies. So now I want a new wardrobe. I usually make sure my kid looks good, which does not leave much cash for me to spend on myself. I don't even buy her much name brand items but it adds up so quickly. My kid grows so fast now that I am scared to buy clothes. I had a year where every 3 months my kid was getting bigger, not fatter just bigger, in shoes, shirts everything. So now I try to buy in intravels. It is not easy now I have to go to the laundry more often. I know that I have to do more for myself. I do not want to be an old lady. That is so not me. I'm cool with the elderly but I am not ready to join a bridge club. I have to start finding my old self, before I became a mom. I'm more than just a mom I'm a woman. I was getting clothes from my mom's friends and second hand stores and some from walmart. I have to save a bit so that I can get something more youthful. It can be hard to find clothes in my size. I know they have them I was just being cheap.
Ok won't be all long winded. So I come home from work and no water. This is after cleaning people's diapers. Toilet is not flushing. So I will be humiliated when someone comes to fix it. I have no heat. I am so cold. I don't have a real stove. Takes hours to cook. I am not in school. Broken window, damaged roof, spiders, can't sleep with lights off because they will bite the mess out of me. Only showers for 9 years now. I would love to have a nice hot bath. I shower afterwards anyway. My paychecks are small. I have no health insurance. I am sick. Oh and I am a single mother. Yeah me. Things are always up and down with me. Sometimes I get lucky and things work out but since I have gone back to school, things have been quite challenging. I should have worked harder to save that money for the school. I feel idle. The winter is coming. I have no money, it's hard to sleep when you are so cold you feel it on the inside. All while feeling like crap for dragging an innocent child into the mix. I do try. I let her sleep closer to the heater so she can be warm and I take the cold side. I bought a stupid heater from Walmart and it broke in like two months. I had one for like 4 years that started failing on me but it was sturdy. I threw them both out but I don't have the money to replace them yet. I'm working so little by little I will save for a heater and some more blankets. To bad I can feel every wire on the mattress. I bought this thing for 600 dollars I thought it would last longer than 6 yrs. I hope that I don't smell when I go to work tonight. I work solo so maybe no one will notice. I'll put on that song ooh child thing will get easier. They won't but it might make me feel better.
Ok so the patient's family members like to pull out the texas on the patients. I change it but they do it because they want to be mean. I got something for those aholes. I plan to go to the room over and over again so they can know. that I know that they are being spiteful. Those jerks make me sick. So now the bed is soaking wet and I end up having to do extra work. What is the purpose of that. Is it because I am black or because they have such pathetic lives that they get joy from being able to order me around. After learning so much about my history I feel some type of way when they do that. I hate that job. I switched my shift so that I don't have to deal with family members so much. I sometimes want to be an amazing CNA but at other time I don't care because of the treatment. It is a job but I tend to take pride in whatever I do but the way that some of the patients treat us and the family members is wrong.
Ok so I see my baby daddy. He is looking great. He looks like he has not aged since I met him. He still has the same maturity though. As I am looking at his pics from his mother I am like how did I let myself go and not fix it. I mean I was heavy but after my child I gained 60 pounds. I was cute heavy now I am fat as hell heavy. I do not seem to have the willpower to stay away from unhealthy food. It has been a huge problem for me. I am so lonely. It is not so much because I can not meet anyone or because I want him it is just that I am scared to love someone and have the break my heart or do something evil to my child. I remain at a job that I hate because I am scared to try something new because I did leave temporarily and did not like it. I don't get paid well and the list goes on but the thing is I have to find some where deep inside of me the will to live this life. I am not living it, I am merely surviving it. There are so many things that I would like to do but act so scared. I never use to be like this. I know that a part of it is because I am a mother now and I have no idea how my decision will effect my child. I do not want to seem selfish yet her father has been so selfish. I mean he has a girlfriend and a wife and he is now getting a divorce and is living with his new woman. I know that it would seem that I was jealous of him and his new boo, but the thing is that I know him so well that I feel sorry for what he will undoubtedly put this woman through. He can not be faithful and he does not like condoms. So you get the picture right there. I never thought that his wife would leave him, I also forgot that he has a temper and can get mean or violent. Just to clear the air out on that one. There was a posting at my job for an employee sporting event. I use to love the sport I mean that I even tried to get my school to start a team. I loved to go to school just to play, it was a highlight of my day. I was really good understood the structure of the game and everything. I was going to sign up when I realized that there was a chance that I would not be able to play because of all the weight that I have put on and allowed to sit and poison my body. I want to learn to play the violin I want to learn to dance and to cook foreign dishes. I want to go to England and France. I want to learn French. Instead I do nothing. I feel and look like a woman way older than I really am. It is sad really what I have done to myself. I really have no one to blame for my current predicament. I know that having a baby made things a bit difficult for me, but the truth is that it is hard to imagine my life without my child in it. I take pride in the person I am raising. I do like being a mother, though the responsibilities are extensive. I am selfish at times but not too much. Sometimes before I go to bed I say tomorrow will be the day but it is never the day. I think that it would be better if maybe I had a friend who was similar to me and maybe we could lean on each other for support. I did have someone but the school schedule prevented me from continuing our gym work outs. Now my work and school schedule are not longer an obstacle which makes me realize no that perhaps it never was. I am the hurdle. Even now as I am writing this I am thinking of something unhealthy yet delicious that I would like to eat. What the hell is wrong with me that food has now become my drug, my joy. The reason that I say my drug is because if I do not stop eating like it is my last meal, it may be one day. I use to be someone else not better but someone else. I think that this person that I have become needs to be a past person as well. I use to be ignorant, selfish, lazy, active, promiscuous, mean, violent, emotionally inept, and so many more things. Now I am lazy, hardworking, inactive, celibate, emotionally conscious, sad, lonely, mature, self destructive, funny, fat, and so much more. I honestly did not notice the change it just happened just like how I let my life happen as if I had no control. I did go to a trade school so that I could have something to fall back on but now I need to go to school and get a career so that I can feel proud of myself.
Ok so things were going ok. I was working and making money but I was not home as much. I figured its only going to be two months of working like crazy. I did not spend the money wisely. So now I end up in a bind. So I think no big deal I will go to my cash now for a loan then I find out that there are no more pay day loans in the state. Great now what am I suppose to do. I get that they feel that the fees are too high. But they are not helping us poor people or the working poor. They think that it is beneficial to remove them from the state. Do I tell my landlord please just give me two more weeks. Or the car insurance company. I need new tires. I need sneakers for my child. A chunk of the money I made working overtime went into buying myself a few clothes on clearance at target. Since I have not shopped for clothes in about 5 years and I end up looking like a frumpy old lady. I guess the little insecurity came when I would walk and kids would say nasty things to me. Then I would look in the mirror and realize that maybe I should make a little more effort. The clothes only cost me about 100, for me that is a lot of money. I'm use to picking up a shirt for like 5 bucks at walmart and calling it a day. The quality was bad so it would rip sometimes but I sewed it back or used it as a gym shirt. I don't go to the gym. Then I decided to get fit and sign up for the gym since I am in need of regular exercise. I have yet to go the gym. I do plan on making this the month though. But the bulk of my money went into buying supplies for my attempt at homeschooling. Books are very expensive. I love books. I purchased 150 dollars for myself. I also had to buy the furniture and all that jazz. I don't even know if I will use all of this stuff. I just purchased whatever looked educational. I took a break from my own school and decided that this would be something to try and if it worked out then great. I have no idea what I am doing. I do have a schedule and purchased a book and I have friends with kids in my daughters grade level so I can see what the homework is to be on track. I can get the curriculum from the school but for some reason I don't want to. I feel that they are obsessed with the whole testing thing. I think that school should be about learning and fun. I noticed that the parents do not have a voice. Someone who went to college and who does not even send their children to the schools are deciding on my child's future. And with the rate of black people doing well in the public school environment I chose to see if I can do it better. I am a product of a majority black public school. It was hell. I hated my school experience. My daughter had one best friend that she will miss but that was about it. She is eager for the change. I do know the real reason that she hates public school but I did not say anything to her about it. I know that I may be doing her a disservice by accommodating her but after all this time it has not gotten any better so why bother. I will give her what I can at home and I will try to save up the money for some speech lessons. She did not qualify for speech but she says some words wrong even though she knows what she is trying to say. So she just gets real self conscious about it so she does not like to speak especially in groups. She is too aware sometimes. I have no idea how much this will cost me but I will find a way even if it is for a few months. I think that the school just did not want to give it to her because they were too busy taking in Autistic kids to avoid paying for the special schools and did not have a slot for her because they need it more. I understand that their situation is worse than my child's but it does not take away from that fact that she needs it too. I guess that I will just pay things late and try to work a little overtime. I saw the numbers for the test that the kids took in NY they were horrible. I don't get it. I saw some people protesting and the news commented on it but there should have been an outcry from the community for what has happened to their kids. The person in charge sends his kids to the best schools, gave himself another term, and worries about the diet of the poor. Yet has no understanding of what it takes to educate children. He know but does not care because those kids don't look like his own. I believe that these teachers can teach but the people up top won't let them. And no you can not put all kids together. They should be separated. I believe that well behaved kids should be in class together. The smart kids should be in class together and that the bad kids should be in class together. I also believe that the children who do not speak English should be in class together, that way the lesson plans can be catered to their strengths and weaknesses and that they can move them if the situation changes. That way the children are not held back. Those that are advanced can move forward. Those that are struggling can catch up, those that are misbehaved can get therapy and perhaps move into a different category with out interfering with the other kids potentials. I also believe that this would change the field of education. Those parents that boohoo about the fact that their kid is in the bad class can show proof to why they should not be there and that they have on try every two marking periods. I do believe that sometimes things are going on to make kids be so misbehaved and that they should get therapy ( not meds) to help them control their impulses or behavior.
School is out now. So I have some free time. I am so lonely. I have my daughter in my life but not many other people. I am not close with most of my family. People always want me to do something for them. I am in over my head with helping people. They accept my help, but they don't call me on the phone or invite me to hang out or anything. I am feeling used. Next year I am not helping them anymore. I will help one person because she has been pretty helpful to me. But the others will have to fend for their self. I want a girlfriend but I have no idea how to be a lesbian. I don't know where they are so I am alone. I am doing it all alone. I can get guys but not girls. I don't have any lesbian friends and now I have no friends, they are too busy. One stopped talking to me because I don't buy her lies anymore. The other one has a boyfriend so I have no one to talk to. There is this one girl that want to be my friend but she would not like me if she knew that I was gay. I see girls together and it looks so beautiful. Why can't I meet some. I am considering going to a gay bar but I am honestly scared of getting attacked, only because I would be going alone. I have no idea how I became a lesbian. I love women now. I use to sleep with so many men. I only was satisfied from like 4 out of like 20 something. One of them did not cut it after a few years so then it was 3.Besides the sex I was just too aggressive for the men that I dated. I don't feel anything for them. If I think of one when I am pleasuring myself I can't cum. I don't want to be straight I don't even if I could change. It seems weird saying that because if I could change I would not be in this situation. The dating sites are not working for me. I want to get to know someone and for them to get to know me. I am done rambling. I am sad and lonely. I may feel better in a few days.
I have thoughts and feelings that I want to share. I'm getting filled with feelings. Not happy or sad just feelings.
School is going ok. I am struggling in math but I think that I can bring it around. My psych class is a joke, but I'm getting an A+ so whatev. My daughters father asked me to call him but he never picks up when I call so I have no intention of calling him. He is so weird. I don't have time for that bs. I think that I was over hime when he told me that he slept with one of my stepsisters while we were together. That is one thing that you do not do to someone. Sleep with people that they know. I felt disgusted and humiliated. To know that you would do that and that person would know and I was in the dark. I wish I knew when it happened that way I could have been done with him sooner. I know that his life is a mess from other sources. karma is a bitch. He chose to not be a dad to his child, what did he think would happen. I think that him abandoning his child is pathetic. Now she wants nothing to do with him after he promised to stop by for her birthday with a gift and never came. That was after he apologized for not being there for her, telling her that he loved her and then stopped calling and everything. When he called all I said was hi and gave her the phone. I did not even speak to him so that he did not say that I was making him deal with me so that he could be in his child's life. Oh well.
So now I have to get ready for this math class that is killing me I am not good with the slope thing. I am trying hard to get it though. I am going to the tutoring but its still confusing. I want to move down south so bad. I don't like it here anymore. I just have too much to finish here that is why I stay. I started something and I want to finish it. When I finish the nursing I may go to nursing school somewhere else. I want to go to Maryland for a bit but I don't know. I hear that it is a bit pricey as well and is a bit similar to NJ. I want something else, somthing a bit calmer and nicer. I know of two people that went to NC and they like it a lot. Of course NJ will always be home because I have so many memories here but I don't want to just stay in one place never experiencing what this country has to offer. I did not get into the program yet and I have done so many classes here why not just pack up and move. Its cold here I need something new. Why not?
Of course having any type of disease is a pain in the rear. I don't know why I pretend that it was not real. I was on track getting better than, I just fell off. I got real sick a little while ago. I had to call out from work soak my feet and check my blood sugar. It was over 500. I went online read a little and ran and took some medicine that I have stopped taking because of the side effects. The side effects were a bit embarrassing so I thought to stop taking it. I know that I have to really put in the effort if I do not want to take the medicine. I may not need to take it if I can get my eating and excersise habits in check. I have to make time to just excersise one hour a day everyday. I purchased healthy foods but I was still drinking sugary drinks. I am going to have to do a 360 on how I have been doing things. I was really scared. I did not want to go to the hospital because I just did not want to. I was lucky to have some meds, it should start to bring my levels down by the morning I should be ok. I felt this horrible cramp in my foot and I just knew that something was wrong. I want to make this private because I do feel ashamed at my stupidity. Especially since I am a nursing student and I should know better. I don't know why I just ignore things hoping that it will go away. I want to go to work but I just did not think that it was a good idea. I know that they will be pissed. I will just stay home clean up study and excersise for like 30 min and then another 30 min. You should have seem me today gorging on shit that will kill me. I know that I enjoy eating but I don't want it to do me in. I have a child to live for. How selfish would it be if I died because of food. That would mean that I loved food more than her. I should know better. I am beating myself up because I can't believe what just happened to me. I can't even tell anyone because I know that they will get all worried and then take it as an invitation to parent me. My job will not find out. I do not want them to think that I am unfit. I will fight this. I will. It has been a littl over a year since my diagnosis. I got it under control when I found out I will do it. I do not want to lose my body and have it depending on machines. I do not know if I can completely fix the problem with diet and excersise I will try and if I can not after 6 months then I will go back on the medicine until I am where I need to be even if it means shooting myself up with insulin.
I know that this will sound weird but I forgot that I had a blog and some new things have happened. No I did not lose weight and no I am still single. School is ok so far. I just need about a week to catch up on one class but that is ok I will make the time needed. I finally filled out my application for the nursing program but I have yet to hand it in I plan on doing that next week. My child is lovely. There is a kid that we know that has some emotional issues. I would like to help the kid out but the kid has parents I don't want to get involved and upset anyone. Ok back to me nothing to report. I don't have much going on except being a studen mom and employee at the time. I want to be someone someone special but that has not happened. I could make someone happy and I hope that they'd want to do the same for me. Ok I have a boatload of school work to do.I am avoiding my friend because he wants to talk and I have school work which is weird because I wanted to talk to him so bad earlier.
I have high hopes for this new year. So far there have been a few set backs but it can all be taken care of in a few weeks. I am still optomistic. I feel good. I have a lot of energy. There are still some troubling matters that need taken care of in my life, but it will be resolved soon enough. New Year new me.
I am enjoying her at this age. I see her growing up and I wonder what it will be like in a couple of years. She is just so perfect now. We have fun together and she respects me. I see the transitions of celeb kids and my own little cousins and I do not welcome it. I just hope that I can let go and that she does not go to far. I should not even worry I have plenty more years before the teen years.
This year has not been so bad. Yes I go through the occasional emotional rollercoasters,but it does not last long. So now I have put in papers to work significantly less. I look a hot mess right now. It takes a lot of work to look cute and a little bit of money. I have been preoccupied with school and parenting that I had little time for myself. I plan on changing my unhealthy lifestyle and just taking everything that I have learned and apply it to an improved me. This will hopefully be the year of hotness, love, and advancement. I know that I should not be all gungho but I am optomistic. There are people in my life that I care deeply for and I fear what this new year will mean to them. One is in poor health and is too scared to get a bone marrow transplant which could cure her disease. I even offered to get tested for her. I would gladly give her my marrow. But her doctors are against it and she is scared that it will kill her. Another friend is making some dangerous decisions and will not heed any warnings from me. It hurts me that the two most special people in my life have these hurdles. They are truly wonderful people with big hearts. They have showed me what it means to be a friend. Since at times I have been selfish and unavailable to them, while they are there for me ( one I had known since I was 5 and the other when I was 18). I trust them and there is nothing like being able to trust your friends. I don't ever envision us fighting over anything serious.
Ok enough of that, there I go getting emotional again. I don't let many people in because I hate to feel. Something about the hurt feelings because of loss or whatever scare me. I actually avoid it when I can. I also hate the feeling of betrayal. That is why I don't have any new friends. Except for the one I think that I have with one person on this site. I have let people in and been betrayed and I just close myself off after bad experiences. I know that I should learn to let go and not carry it with me, but that is just how I am.
I am not sure how my plan will work. I will have to be organized and diligent. I am like the messy guy from the odd couple. I loved him because he reminded me so much of myself. I also plan to come out next year but not til my birthday. I have this new thing of using dates to do big things. Like I changed my work schedule on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I was interested in Wicca but no one wanted to try it with me so I decided to forget it. I might get some of the chlothes and tha crystal ball and some sage cuz it looks cool. I know I sound like a silly child. I have loves sci fi and I have read about magic for as long as I can remember. It just seemed like a natural progression. But I am scared of it a little so it will be fine. I still have my books and movies, that is good enough for me. I am an Atheist but I have been Catholic, then a Christian, now an Atheist. I'd rather not believe, just like I don't want to feel.
I really like this site. I ramble on and only a few people read it but thats fine. I just feel good writing this on the net. I use to write in my journal but, I want people to know me even if they do not know who I am. When I finish school I hope to make my family members that have some fatith in me proud and for my mom to see that I have potential.
I don't know why but I am so sad so often and there is one person in my life that I feel is my kryptonite. That person is my mom. I avoid her when I can but there are times when we have to interacts. Espcially since we live in the same house. I don't have the time to go into detail about our tumoltuous relationship. I have hardly slept I have finals in just a few days and she is yelling at me and threatning to throw me into the streets. So what could I do I told her ok. That seemed to enrage her even more. I mean what am I to do. I have very little money and I have a child to take care of. I am doing the best that I can. The she wants me to go lie and commit fraud so she can save money and I refused. I just cried a little. I did not even really yell back I am just too tired to keep fighting a stupid war with her. Then she tries to make me feel bad by calling me names just because I would not commit fraud for her. I have had to live with her for so long. She is manipulative, mean, and mentally ill. I am just gonna take a shower then a nap and hope to feel better in the morning. I don't mean to be a dead beat downer. I am not sad all the time (really I am not) Its just that sometimes something happens and I get really depressed and I have to nudge myself back to balance. I am getting so much better control of my emotions. Maybe I do eat to feel better. If I am I should find something else to feel better. You know how sometimes you do things without really realizing it. I guess I am trying to fill the void from the absentee father, mentally ill mother, lack of family ( they don't tend to like me and vice versa) We are a cold bunch that separates into our own little cliques. I just want to put on some Eminem right now, but I can't because my cousin came to my house and stole my things.
So I have decided that I will cut my work hours. I do not want to remain at the job, but if I have to at least I won't have to be there often changing diapers and smelling shit all day. I am going to take time out to improve my health, finances, and outward appearance. I have no idea how rough this will be but I plan on doing it. I believe it will make me happier and give me more time to spend with my daughter and friends. I want this new year to be the begining of something special ( ME!!!!) I have been helping people and leaving myself out. I want to immerse myself in work with a purpose. I go to work and do the same thing all the time and it is exhausting physically but not stimulating mentally. A trained monkey could do my job. Maybe not but it does not require much intellect. I hate that fn job. I hate that I work there, I don't like the way that I am treated. I know that is how the work place is. Happiness is important with out it people leave this physical world. I want to try to get some type of enjoyment from this place before I croak. Being an Atheist makes me want to enjoy the physical world now.
Ok so I bailed on a test today. I pretended to be sick because I was so busy this week that I did not have time to study. I know bad. Then today I planned on studying but then I went to go get tested with a friend and it took so much time. So I wanted to work per-diem and focus on school since my body really hurts from my job and I fear that things will get much worse if I choose to stay. So I do plan on finding something else. I wanted to be a waitress but no openings, though there should be because I have seen some crappy and sometimes gross wait staff workers. So now I have to look for a new field. I want to go to hair school but I am not sure how to start it. I mean I can probably take my moms clientele since she is hardly at work and I may be able to get financial aide. I know that no one wants to go to you if you are new but I think that it would be a better career choice than CNA, where your body takes a beating everytime that you start and the pay is crappy. The benefits are the only good thing. Now about moving my mom had a hissy fit when my sister decided to move out and my brother already left so if I leave she will be double pissed but she sucks as a mom. She is just an evil woman. She so messed us up so that she could use us for as long as possible.
None of that really matters I will see how much the other hair schools cost. I know that thing in NJ just cost more because thats how it is out here. I will still go for the nursing just not right now I will wait for next year or next fall. I would rather do hair anyway. Ok that is all.
Previous PostsJust saw Catching Fire, posted December 4th, 2013
Just another day., posted November 26th, 2013
Natural Hair, posted November 8th, 2013
Comment on Post., posted November 6th, 2013
Want a new outlook., posted November 4th, 2013
It will get worse. I know it!, posted October 3rd, 2013
CNA job, posted September 6th, 2013
Why can't I move on., posted September 2nd, 2013
Getting ready for fall., posted September 1st, 2013
Schools out Lonely, posted May 30th, 2013
Feel, posted April 7th, 2013
Today, posted March 8th, 2013
My Diabetes, posted March 2nd, 2013
Forgot I had a blog!, posted February 7th, 2013
New Year 2013, posted January 2nd, 2013
They grow up so fast., posted December 29th, 2012
Saying goodbye to 2012, posted December 19th, 2012
Sad, posted December 16th, 2012
OK, posted December 10th, 2012, 5 comments
Decisions, posted December 3rd, 2012
Getting ready to move., posted November 25th, 2012
Happy Holidays!!! NOT, posted November 22nd, 2012
Ok thanks for making me realize why I don't want men., posted November 14th, 2012
NOt in LovE, posted November 13th, 2012
Baby Daddy, posted November 11th, 2012
Work, posted November 4th, 2012
After Hurricane Sandy, posted November 3rd, 2012, 1 comment
The big bad Sandy, posted October 28th, 2012
New Experiences, posted October 27th, 2012
I hate crying, posted October 17th, 2012
Need more sleep, posted October 15th, 2012
Astrological Sign, posted October 14th, 2012
Getting serious with school, posted October 14th, 2012
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