empresslya's Blog

Shelter Life 14

Today was not as uneventful as I would have liked. It started of really nice. I go to the gym with one of the ladies here. I had a phenomenal workout. I was able to run for a full 15 minutes I could have gone longer but I did not want to push it. Then something happens to the woman that I am falling hard for. I could do nothing to help her and she was gone before I got to say goodbye. Then me and the other woman go to the gym and start shooting some hoops. It was nice but then we come back to the shelter and we have to go to group. I usually enjoy group. I did not have to go but I did because it has been pleasant in the past. This time one of the ladies here decided to go. She usually does not go to these type of things. She was vulgar, rude, and monotonous. One other girl was just acting like she belongs in a psych ward. I spoke to the man later and let him know that there are fights there on a monthly basis at this point. The women are at threshold. I feel that something may be about to happen and I don’t know what to say. I know that I will have no part of it. If something is about to happen I will just leave to avoid any of it. I will get the details later but I do not want to see women beat the mess out of each other. I don’t like listening to the arguing either. They just get loud and belligerent. I am so over it. It looks funny on TV but I don’t find it entertaining at all. So I just had enough. I took a nap and then woke up and took my daughter out to a buffet. The food cost me 30 dollars plus tip. No more of going to that place. They made the place look nicer but they did not have anything special. The man that was working the Hibachi grill was not even friendly. The drink was good though. I only had one and it did not have much alcohol in it. So I come back do my chore and then we are watching TV. We decide that we should maybe bring the kids to a sitter and go to Atlantic City for a weekend and just have fun. Then one of the women says yeah and maybe you can drive. No the mess I won’t be driving. Why would I take on the responsibility of having people that I don’t know that well in my car? No it is not going to happen. I have no idea how we will be going there but it will not be by my car. Then I have to be sober as a nun to drive back while they get to get wasted no thanks. We did want to get a little tipsy and watch a movie here on Friday. One of the girls says that she may leave if she gets some money. I’m just mad that the one person that I would have enjoyed this day with is gone. I know that it seems crazy and that we are moms and at a homeless shelter. But we had lives before we came here. We had things before we came here. And yes most of us are all on welfare but this is temporary. I am doing what I have to do. I am looking for work. I am not looking as hard as I could but I am looking. I will be graduating from my class this week. I stuck with it. I am mostly glad that it will be over. I did learn a lot from it. If someone would just call me for an interview I know that I could land the job. I do need to buy a watch I think that will be good they say that employers pay attention to that. I do like watches. I was hoping to get a job working with watches. Like I said I have some weird things to like. You would not look at me and say she likes watches. I also went to Michael Kors and bought some glasses for 102 dollars. I was like I can’t believe that I am doing this but I did. I have not worn them yet. I have to get some contacts and new glasses. I want to feel beautiful. A part of me thinks that because I am watching these reality shows with them that it is influencing me. I see these women looking good and I want to look good too. I have to get my hair done again. It is not hard because my mom does not charge me much and I tend to shy away from hairstyles that are expensive. I’m going to take my braids out this weekend and get kinky twist. I usually get them only up to my shoulders but this time I will get them longer. I also want to go to Mac and replenish my makeup it will set me back another hundred. This is why I need to get the rental assistance and find a job because I like things. I have always been a shopper. This time I plan on being a smarter shopper. I am not buying as much. I am choosing quality over quantity. Ok nothing else has happened.

SL 13

I come in and for some reason Kia a girl that I was friends with comes to me and tells me that I am a phony friend. I have started to notice that I have lost weight and bought some clothes to look nice in. Of course I wanted someone to notice me and it worked, but I never got the response that I wanted. So Kia goes on about how I did not greet her when I saw her. I told her that I saw her that morning, which was a few hours ago. She tells me that I should say hi to her every time that I see her. She has now begun to irritate me because she was being rude for no reason. She was also doing this in front of people. If she had a problem with me she should have just spoken to me. She then tells me what I am going to do about it. I tell her that I am not going to say hi to her every time that I see her. I tell her that she is just going to have to deal with it. I guess that she did not like my answer because the next day she does not speak to me. I would usually have spoken to her but this is not the first time that she has gotten rude with me over not getting enough attention from me. I am not her boo. I do not have the time to invest in her anymore. I am not starting something with someone here and I want to focus on that. The woman that I have begun to talk to has opened my eyes up to the fact that Kira is a crazy selfish woman that acts immature. I realize that she is taking advantage of me and that I do not like hanging out with her that often, because she is annoying at times, not all the time. At this point I could not tolerate her as much as I use to. She had started to do things that I felt were disrespectful. She has a song on her phone that was her ringtone. It was laced with profanity about sex. She would be with me and my child and that phone rang all the time. I said to her that I thought that it was inappropriate on many occasions. She finally changed it after about 3 weeks. Then I took her out to run errands with me when we had a little non talking period. We go to the store and she begins to twerk at that cash register. I try to ignore her and she just kept on going and tried to get my attention. It is bad enough that she either wears thongs or no panties with leggings to attract attention, but to twerk in the store as well. It was embarrassing and inappropriate.  She needs too much attention for me. Then we go out and she insist on finding clothes that are attention getters. She then looks at these shorts that would clearly not fit her and would leave her with exposed skin. We tell her that she should not buy them so then she talks about the shorts all day and about how they would fit and that she should buy them. The other girl that has now joined our little group tells her that the shorts are beyond inappropriate. She then talks about them the next day and decided to go in search of them. She wants me to drive her around the corner. I say no we are walking I am not driving. She say oh you going to make me walk? I was pisses when she said that. You have a boyfriend that is a drug dealer and you are and adult. You would think that you would have purchased a car by not. I am not making you walk. You not doing what you had to do is what is making you walk, not me. She began to think that I was her chauffer. I was so sick of her talking about those shorts. I felt out of my mind then she went to store after store. I was so over it. I was ready to go. Now she asked me if I could drive her to her chiropractor. I say fine since she harps on about how she cannot sit on the bus because it hurts her back too much. I don’t know if her back is as bad as she says but I give her the benefit of the doubt. I start doing her chores for her with the other woman. She walks around and does nothing. I understand that her back hurts but she cannot even wipe down the stove tops. If she had her own apartment how would it get clean? Now my special friend says if you were not here how was she going to get there? That comment does stick with me. I do not tell her that though, because I do not want outside influences to influence my friendships. Zia asks me if I could take her son to school and bring her to where she needed to go. I agree but I also agreed to take Kia to her doc apt. I decide that I can do both. I was wrong. As I am bringing Kia, Zia is getting upset because she wanted to be dropped off first. Kia is upset too. I told Kia first so I bring her first and hers is first. I then tell her that I will be back to pick her up. She wanted us to stay with her for her appointment initially. Plans got changed after that. So then I go to take Zia’s son to school and then back to town. I then get ready to drop her off and she gets mad at me because I yelled at her. She has raised her voice at me and it is ok but I get upset and raise my voice it is a problem. She did not speak to me for the rest of the ride. I am doing all of this on bad tires and bad struts. Then I drive back to pick up the Kia. Mind you I had so much to do for myself but I put them first. I decided not to do that anymore. That was the last time that I took Kia anywhere. So now we are not speaking after our spat. I ignore and just stop talking to her altogether because I do not have time for the nonsense. I am much older than her and what she wanted was not going to happen. She had even told me that she had been in a lesbian relationship in the past and wanted me to stop talking to the woman that I was interested in. You are dating a drug dealer and you are being critical of my potential relationship. I don’t like when people go there with me. My heart listens to no one. It finds someone and that is that. It does not mean that it will last or be the one but I listen to my heart. Now she has made comments about me but I just ignored her. She then made a comment that I would be crying etc. I later find out that she told whoever would listen that day in the common area that I hooked up with Zia. I was pissed about that. So now I am pretending to be her friend to avoid any more drama. I don’t dislike her though. I really did consider her a friend at one time and sometimes I do miss being friends with her but I can no longer trust her. Especially if she is going to blurt thing out. That was not the first time. I stepped away from her when one day she made some comments about Zia. I asked her to stop and she said no and continued to talk about it loud in the kitchen. I then realized that it would be wise for me to entrust her with anything. I then told them that our relationship was over and made some things up. Some were true but not the serious things.  I thought it was the woman that was next door to Zia. I thought that maybe she heard us and started to tell people but one of the women here said no. She said that Kia made a little announcement about it when you two were fighting. I knew that she knew because something happened and she apologized to me like she knew that we were together. I asked Donna if everyone knew because I was just hearing too many comments. She said yes, most people know and that it even traveled to the other building. I was not happy about finding this out. She is still friends with Kia but I told her to be careful with her and that she cannot be trusted.

SL 12

This one will not be that long. I am sitting down watching TV. I and Kia are not speaking at this point. I see her in the kitchen and think nothing of it. I saw her talking to the staff earlier in the office and I thought nothing of it. Then Tina comes in and says you talking all that stuff on Instagram let me see how tough you are. Kia does not say anything at first, then she says what that B say, I don’t want your man. Then I go upstairs and tell Zia what just transpired between Kia and Tina. She gets excited and she says that she is going down. I go back down. At first I thought that it was drama. But then I see that they are really going to fight. People are trying to hold back Kia. Then Tina gets pushed outside. Kia says I’m not going to do anything to you because you have a heart problem .Tina says F that B why the FK you talking to my man. They push Tina outside and they do not let her back in. Now Kia is going out to fight her. I may not have been talking to her but I am not going to let her fight Tina. She has a bad back and the other one has heart problems. So then Zia comes down and ask me to take care of her son. So I go up and take care of her son. I get him ready for bed. She later tells me that I should have put his thing down in the diaper. I don’t have a son and it has been so long since I have taken care of a boy that I had no idea. She woke up to him peeing all over. Ok so now she come to the room and tells me what happened. She tells me that Tina comes back in and that Kia was in the office and she leapt to fight Tina. They are fist fighting. Then Lina jumps in the middle of it and says if anyone hurts my baby blah blah. Then why was she jumping in a fight of women that are bigger than her if she is so concerned for her baby? Then Kia trips off of Lina and Tina who want a fair fight does not beat her while she is down but they say that Tina threw the most punches. They break up the fight and Tina gets her hand slammed in the door as they pushed her out. I then go downstairs and Kia ask me if she had hit me while I was holding her back I say no. I sit there and Lya goes on about how her hand got caught in Kia’s bras strap. They talked about the fight over and over again like it was cool. I did not think that it was cool at all. Then Jean says to her that if I had a son I would not jeopardize my shelter over a man. She said that she did not like seeing pretty women fight. Then Kira tells her to stay out of her business. Jean was a bit upset, but she tells her that she is completely right. That it has nothing to do with her and that she should not have even commented on it. Jean is a drug addict and alcoholic but she is smart and perceptive. One day Kia was telling us why her grandmother kicked her out. I know the whole story but she only tells people the part about the fact that she got into a fight with a family member and that her grandmother threw out all of her and her son’s things. Jean says no, you did something to make her do that. She was right. Then I go to Tina because I am no longer talking to Kia and I talk to her about the situation. Everyone says that Kia threw the first punch but that was not the truth. So I tell her to keep her mouth shut and that they all say that Kia threw the first punch and to stick to that story. She tells me that she was posting things on Instagram and that Kia started to show people the text and then people kept coming to her about it. What happened was that Tina’s boyfriend befriended Kia on Instagram (she poses well but does not actually look like her pics) and then I guess Tina found out and some comments were exchanged online. Kia had told the staff that there may have been a fight and told them all about the Instagram thing. So the staff on that shift left a message for the next staff to not let Tina near Kia. Somehow the messages got crossed and they thought that it was another woman. The staff member was mad because they do not want anything like that to happen on their shift. This staff member is handicapped and could not do much anyway. Tina never really like Kia that much and she let her know that. I hope that the fight was worth it for both of them because they were worried that they would have been kicked out. Tina would have been ok but Kia has burned too many bridges and she has nowhere to go. Her son was with her grandmother at the time of the fight because they had painted in the building and she claimed that her son could not stay here. He was with the grandmother for two weeks and in that time she did not take the boy to school for one day. She received letters letting her know that she would have to go to court if he missed any school and that DYFS may be called on her. But now she just had to worry about what would happen to her. They were both told that no one was going to be kicked out but then. Tina gave Kia dirty looks for like two days then she got over it. I remember Jean telling them that he is going to be with who he is going to be with. She only knew that they were fighting over a man. To Kia’s surprise they moved her to the other building. The other building is a demotion. You do not have your own room, you have to share and one room is bigger than the other one and you have to share a bathroom. You also have to leave in the morning to come to this building and stay until 2. You can make your food here but only for lunch. They tend to steal our food when they come. Many of them just hang here all day if they do not have some welfare program to go to. So when then told Kia that she had to move, she was pissed. She cursed the staff out and one became upset and let her know that she would not continue to disrespect her. She said that people were moved for different reasons. I knew that it was BS. Kia had pushed the envelope too far for too long. She would curse at staff, ignore them, and do what she pleased. She said that she could not do any chores because of her back and she had a note from her chiropractor but when you leap and fight someone when you could have just went to your room, the people no longer believed her. She told them that her back was so bad and that she was in immense pain and that she had to be lying down in bed for most of the day. I must have missed that when she was twerking and dancing. She made it seem like she was an invalid. If you must lie down most of the day then how can you take care of your son? I told her to stop saying that before she loses him. She is mentally disturbed and she tortures that little boy. He cries a lot and he knows about adult things because of her. There have been times when I had to let her know that she was being inappropriate around the kids. She acted like she did not say anything wrong. She moved across the street and she was upset. She came in the next day and she continued to tell them that she should not have been moved and that she was not like the other able bodied females. That she was too handicapped to be moved. At least she was not thrown in the streets especially after fighting.

SL 11

In this place there are so many personalities, but the common factor seems to be substance abuse for many of the people here. There are some that are mentally ill. The ones that are mentally ill have no help. The people here seem to laugh at them and the workers don’t care for them much. They are homeless but they do not have the same capabilities that some of the other people have here. There is one girl here that gets into arguments with people, but the arguments tend to be unfounded. She may get something stolen and just accuse someone without any proof. She tends to be wrong about the people that she thinks are stealing her things. They do take her things without asking and feel no remorse for it. Which already lets me know that they are probably the ones taking from everyone else. They think that because they steal from the joke of the house it does not matter. I don’t take anything from anyone because it is not ok to steal. You mean to tell me that you can afford to get eyelashes done every two weeks but you cannot buy aluminum foil or paper towels. They think that I am a goodie two shoes. I am far from it but there are things that I don’t think are ok. I don’t think that it’s fair to sell your food stamps for vanity and then go to food pantries for food or take from other people that use their food stamps on food for their children. Ok so let me get into the common drama that seems to plague this place. Mind you I am a lesbian and I cannot live with all these women. This one girl Tisha got 10 dollars stolen from her. So she tells the staff and they look through the tapes to see if they can see who stole it. To review the tapes there is a protocol that needs to be followed me suppose. When the tapes are reviewed the big bosses were in the office. While they are reviewing the tapes they see children going from room to room and that most of the kids are in all one room, while the parents are all in another room. The lady who works in this building is mortified in front of her bosses. She is supposed to know what is going on and what they saw was not how things were supposed to be. Now loud mouth girl, Lina decides to run off at the mouth saying that Laila stole the money. She says that she will tell her that she thinks that she stole it because she was the only one by the stroller. This is after the girl that got her money stolen got into an argument with Laila. Laila who is a drug addict and is usually high. She is tall like 5’9 or so. She is also thick so people tend to avoid confrontations with her due to that alone. She comes down and wants to see this girl that she says accused her of stealing her 10 dollars. She says to me and my friend while we are eating breakfast that she wants to know where her room is so that she can talk to her. This woman does not look like someone who knows how to have a conversation without punching you in the face if it does not go according to how she wants it to. I tell her that I do not know what her room number is because of two reasons; it is not my place to inform her of this, second she has a small child. This Laila that is raising hell over money that she probably did steal does not have her children. She then proceeds to tell us how she did not steal the money and that if she wanted money she would just stick someone up and how she has no problem robbing someone in the street for big money. That she has people that she be with etc. She went on and the girl that I am friends with goes and tells her the room of the girl. I sit there silent. I don’t say a word. When she goes upstairs I ask her why she did that. She does not have an answer for me. That did not sit well with me. I did say to Laila that she has a child up there. She tells me that she will not start anything, who I think that she is. In my mind I want to say a drug addict that is quite large and that she admits to stealing so what would make me think that she would not do something to this rather thin woman with a child. I say nothing. Not because I am scared of her but because she just is not worth it. The girl is not home so she waits for her to come in later. The tape shows her by the stroller (which she had no reason to be by) but it did not show her steal the money so there was nothing that they could do. So she waits for her to come home later while she is doing her chores. She approaches her about her accusing her of stealing her 10 dollars. The little woman does not back down, she says that I did not accuse you but you were by my stroller. I let go of the money and that she did not accuse her. Laila says that Lina told her that she is the one that said that she took the money. Little does Red know that the woman that she is defending is the reason that things blew up out of proportion. She says that Lina has nothing to do with it. They argue for a while and then it stops. I guess that Laila became a little frazzled by this money incident and chose to leave after a week or so. She made it seem that she was moving in with her boyfriend but later on it was discovered that she entered into some rehab program. She wants to get her children back. They go into these rehab places but the truth is unless they really want to become clean for self then they will just be playing the system. They think that because their urine comes up clean then they are ok. They smoke things that are not for human consumption to avoid coming up dirty. They look a mess. They think that it is no big deal but when you have children it is a big deal. They look like they have fried too many of their brain cells. They are turning themselves into zombies. I am not an addict so to be honest I can take a drug and not become addicted. I am not saying that I would attempt to prove this but some people can take drugs from time to time and others become hooked. I have done drugs in the past. It was ok but I don’t need it. It would be nice to light up or pop a pill from time to time but I don’t need to. After seeing how they look when they are hooked makes me not even want to get high. In my opinion they look pathetic. Movies make it seem like a fun lifestyle but it is a sad lifestyle. Drugs and alcohol affect people differently and some people make huge mistakes when they are under the influence and they can’t take back anything that they have done. This woman wants to get her kids back but she is smoking this potpourri and for what. What judge will look at her and give her back her children, she looks fried? She also should not have any children she is a dangerous person and she would potentially just rob that child of a decent life. I found out where she was because one of the girls’ mother is in the program and she saw her there and told her mother and her mother thought that she was bothering her (she let her mom know that they use to stay at the shelter together) and she told us. The 10 dollar story does not end here but I will save it for next time because something else happened and it intertwines.

Shelter Life 10

There is a new woman in the place, she has a newborn baby. She is very pretty. She is tall and looks like she can have anybody that she wants. She came in and did not speak very much to anyone. Her daughter is beautiful so of course people will try to get to know her. Well Lina decided that it would be her. She curses like it is cute and was vulgar as can be. The girl seem to meet her vulgarity and they have now become close friends. She is always holding the girls baby. This woman leaves her child with anyone. She just is too trusting but Lina makes sure that she is the one that is almost always with the child. Which is a bit bewildering because you would think that she would prefer to spend time with her own child. I guess that is not the case. On this particular day Lina was not stalking her to hold her baby and try to be her new found bestie. I was in the kitchen with Zia. She wanted to go do something so she asked Zia if she could watch her baby while she stepped out. We are not allowed to babysit but no one really cares too much for the rules. They are in place for a reason but people begin to trust people here. Not to mention there are people with DYFS cases and they do not tell you. You do find out from time to time because the workers come in and check in on them. Zia agrees to watch the baby while she goes and does whatever. At this point Lina comes down and she is watching the baby. Why, is an answer that she can only give. Zia is sitting down eating and Lina stands over her shoulder. She ask Lina if she could move from over her shoulder. Lina said that she did not have to move. Zia told her again that she was making her uncomfortable and if she could move from over her shoulder. Lina said no. Then Zia gets up and gets in Lina’s face and tells her to move and Lina gets up in her face and they go back and forth. Mind you the baby is in the car seat. So I take the baby and go to the common area.They continue to argue until the staff member calms them down. Zia was mostly upset because she was not only standing over her shoulder, she was watching the baby like she was the only one that the baby was safe with. That is really what the fight was about. I knew that it would not end up being a fist fight but I did not want the baby to be around all that negativity. They are both mostly screamers. It would take a lot for either one of them to get physical because they have too much to lose.


I missed the minor things that happened because I have not been writing so I will discuss the major things until I am able to catch me up. I am writing the ones that are happening now and then going back so I should be done by next week. I will post them ASAP. The day started out as usual I go to my classes cook and then get ready to do my chores. There was this new lady there and I do not like her much because she is supposed to do the chores of the people that are out on pass. She kept asking us to do while she sat there and had conversations with the women. Let me backtrack. One of the girls Isa was going out to a party of a family member at a club nearby. She asked me to do her makeup because she has no idea about makeup. I agreed so we did the chores because we just wanted the girls to be allowed to sit down stairs without her making a fuss. Since we agreed to do all the chores of the people that were not there she let us hang in the kitchen and get all pretty. So as she is getting ready some of the other women there decide that they want to go to the club too. They are sitting there and the one that I am doing the makeup for grabs a cup of something clear and is just drinking. I know that it is alcohol and I am surprised that she is drinking it in front of staff. Some of the other ladies were drinking as well. Then they tell this woman that they plan to drink and everything. I am telling her please do not say that because you will be putting her in an uncomfortable position. She does not listen to me and keep going on about what she will be doing and the girls are planning how they will be going out. A new girl came in with a baby and befriended one of the girls here. She befriended a girl that I did not like too much, because her mouth is filthy.  Something about her just never rubbed me the right way. So I finish her makeup and she starts to take pictures. Jen decides to take the pictures and starts to irritate Ria. She refuses to let go of the camera phone and I’m like here we go again. So after the poses and the jokes Mina gets ready in record time. I have no idea why she put on shades at night. She looked good but I just did not get shades to a club. Then the one with the newborn comes down she looked sexy. She is very pretty and tall and had on some killer heels. One of the girls that she befriended tried to knock her but I let her know that she looked great. She did not have much makeup on but she did not need it. So after she makes some minor changes they discuss sitter situation. One tells Jen to keep an eye on her kids. She tell her not to beat her kids Jen did not like that comment. Then Jen tells her that she needs to make her kids bed because they are sleeping on plastic. She tells Jen to fix it for her, that it is easy to fix. Jen says she is not fixing it. So Mina leaves the bed unmade. Then Ina is supposed to watch the newborn so that the mom can go to the party. Now I must now mention that there is a rule that no one is allowed to babysit anyone else’s child. Now we go to the common area and they are deciding how they will be going to the party. Ria’s cousin says that she can’t make it. She is not happy about that. She is finding out how she will be able to get her to come. She claims that she can get a cab but that they will not all fit. I doubt that. They have large cabs and I tell her that. Finally Mina ask me if I can take them. I did not offer. I agree but I want to be careful because it is close to curfew already. I told them to ask the staff worker if it was ok for to drop them off because I had my daughter asleep upstairs and I was not going to wake her to bring them to the club. The club was only 5 minutes away by car. They tell me that she said it was ok. Hindsight I should have asked myself. While I am sitting there I see the woman with the newborn and notice that as pretty as she is she has hair on her chin. I pull her aside and ask her if she wants me to get rid of it for her. She did not have anything to get rid of it with. I had an eyebrow shaper but I had used it already. I don’t like sharing things like that.  When I did the girl’s makeup I used some of my brushes but washed them as soon as I was done. So she comes upstairs with me. She did her own lashes they did not look so good so I tried to fix it with eyeliner but I was rushing so it did not come out as good as I would have liked. I do the lashes for a lot of the girls here when they do not have money to get it done at the salon. I enjoy it. One said that she would give me money I told her not to worry about it. I guess she did not, since she never gave me the money. It is ok though I don’t mind, it is just that I would have gave it anyway. She is always asking people for things that she should buy. That is for another day. So she comes down but while she was getting ready she asked one of the ladies to feed her baby. The nipple on the bottle was too small and the baby could not get the food. So one of the girls takes the baby and puts her hand in her mouth to squeeze the nipple so the baby could get some milk. I did not say anything but I am like are you seriously putting your hand in someone else’s baby’s mouth. I was mortified. I should have said something but she already did it. And she had some crusty thing on her mouth that she kept on rubbing I have no idea what it was. I really had no idea what it was. So then after that Tia takes the baby and they get ready to leave. I go outside and Ria’s male cousin is outside. I’m like who the mess is this. She just invites him to my car. I was pissed. There was ice outside so Ria fell. Her cousin carried her. Then I fell. I did not see the ice so I told them to wait there and I would drive to them because they all had on heels and I had on sneakers. They were so cold that they came to the car anyway. Her cousin gets into my car and she ask me if it’s ok that he came. I did not say anything. So Mina says well he’s already here. Not to mention before we left the house Ria said that she would have paid for a cab for one of her other cousins to get to the party. I’m like if you had the money why are you riding in my car. I don’t say a word. I am the type of person that will not say a word but I will never let you do it again. They have not been in my car since this incident and they have asked. I just ignore them. So now I am driving them there. They pull a bottle of liquor and continue to drink. I did not even see the liquor bottle. I am peeved and there are cops on the street. After my friend had his license suspended for having an open liquor bottle in a car that was not his I was not happy. They already had it and we were there. I went back to the house and the lady did not say anything. I go to my room and at like 1 am I hear a noise. I hear doors slamming but I have no idea what is going on. I call Kia and tell her something is going on but I do not know what it is. I try to keep her updated but I did not want to leave my room but I knew that it must have been something because when I had started to get ready to shower and was getting undressed Miss D came to my room. The ladies thought that a different staff member was working that night so when I saw her I knew that something was up. Usually when I say that I am getting dressed she does not come in. This time she opened the door wide and I am in my bra and panties. She just looked at me and I just stood there. I was not bashful or anything but I just felt that she should not have done that. The next morning I find out what transpired in the middle of the night. The staff member that was working called the head people to inform them that the women went out to a club and left their children here. They thought that she was cool. They did not even develop a relationship with her to come to this assumption. She had only been working there for 6 months and we have not seen her often because she usually works in the other building. Jen calls one of the women and tells her to get back quickly because Mrs. D says that anyone that is not back by 1AM will get DYFS called on them. I do not know all the details but I will write what I was told happened. One of them came back. One was out on pass and did not have to come back. The one with the newborn came back in the wee hours of the night. Tina had her baby and threw them all under the bus. She made it seem that she was forced to watch the women’s children. When Miss D came in and saw Mina’s kids alone she bought them downstairs and questioned them and then told them to go in the room with Tina. So Ria who is supposed to be good friends with Tina got pissed that she threw the other women under the bus. Especially since she would hardly let anyone hold the newborn. She was always holding the baby. She even got into arguments over the baby. She was not forced to do anything she volunteered. So Ria comes in and she was a bit drunk and she was ready to fight even though it had nothing to do with her because her kids were not there and she had a pass. She says that she want to fight Tina. Tina has a mouth on her and they kind of fight. Ria threw the punch and Miss D ended up getting hit by one of the punches. Cops were called and Ria was asked to leave. We all assumed that she would be kicked out but she was put into the other building which is not as nice as this one. Which she was grateful for. But she is a violent dirty woman. I’ll talk about that later. So now the next day we are waken up with new kitchen hours because of the fight. They did not want us to talk about the incident. But it happened in the building, people could not help but to find out what was happening. We talked about it all day. Loud mouth Tina did not say a word that day but then the next day she kept saying that her best friend was gone yada yada. Then we found out that Ria was allowed to go to the other building and she came back for a day and ate food together with their kids. We watched this like it was bizarre. We could tell that Ria was mad that she was the one that had to leave and was not really over what had gone down between them. I also understand that during the fight she had threatened Tina. Tina is not from this town and she claims to have friends in her town but I highly doubt that. She tries to make friends with the people that come in here. Tina was molested as a kid so I think that is why she acts the way that she does. I knew that something was wrong with her. She talks about how she has trust funds and how her parents have money etc. She acts like she grew up in the gutter. And I think that her father that married a black woman was a bit racists. He is Spanish, from where I have no idea. But she says that he was a bit racist. That girl is a mess. She will continue to have problems if she does not get the help that she needs. I don’t think people realize that sexual abuse does not end when the abuse ends. It damages people their entire lives.

Shelter life 8

Ok. It has been a while since I have written about my life here in the shelter system. I wrote something and forgot to save it and I have to write from memory. I don’t like that because the time period is long. Which means that there will be thing that are forgotten and I will have to input it at later date. I am writing when there are no distractions. I will begin with the date that Lisa was thrown out. I heard that she was leaving with her two kids. I told her congrats because I thought that she had gotten her TRA (temporary rental assistance). It was not until someone said she was not leaving voluntarily. I still was under the impression that things were ok for her because she seemed cool and collected. So the next morning I am getting ready to go this class that I signed myself up for. It was a class provided by the church. It is for me to learn excel, Microsoft word, Power Point, and a few other job assistance programs. One of the workers sees her with her kids and asks her where she is going. She lifts up her shoulders and says I don’t know. I was stunned. I also understood that yes you can have no idea what to do next. The worker gets upset, she starts to cry. She cannot understand how the shelter that gets 1 grand per person can throw a woman out with nowhere to go. I had to get ready to leave but I could not just let this woman that knows very little English with two kids in the cold. I only knew of one place that could help her at the time. I got ready and told her to wait for me that I would bring her to a place that could help her. I will give you a brief small barely informed picture of her. She is not a good mother in any way. I do not understand how she can be here for over 14 months and have accomplished nothing, she went to the bs welfare classes but other than that she did very little else. She would disappear for days and have some excuse. The children would be hungry and instead of going to a food pantry she walks to who knows where and seems to always have cigarettes to smoke. She also looks like she may be a prostitute. I don’t know if she is a prostitute but the way that she leaves here would indicate that she does do that to make a living. Even though these are obvious things that anyone can deduce from observation, it does not matter. Those children deserve a chance. The worker is crying on the phone to someone about how unfair the situation was. She was not one of the people that get paid the big bucks so there was not much that she could do. I take her to the place and they say that they will help her and I go to my class. I ask about her and they tell me that she will be ok. Then I go back to the shelter thinking that everything is ok. She says that they told her that she needed to get a paper and to go back and give it to them before a certain time. I know that she will not be able to walk back and get the necessary paperwork to the place in time. I get my daughter from school and I take her back. The place kicks her out but they did not give her the paperwork that she needed in order to get shelter elsewhere. I dropped this woman off at 9 am it is now almost 4 pm. The woman call the place and ask for the paperwork. She says that her supervisor has to give her the paperwork. So now the place just say fine bring the paperwork tomorrow. The children are antsy and have not eaten much that day. I felt so bad but what could I do. She was crying and the children were crying from time to time. There were times throughout the day that I felt like crying but it would not help her in any way. They were going to let her stay with one of the other girls and try to hide her but that girl also had two children. I also did not think that it would work out because the woman that I was helping had not washed her clothes in a while, her room smelled awful and she is not the cleanest person. That still would have been ok but they kicked her out before they came up with this idea. What was she suppose to do in mean time? I hear that she had an operation and the welfare people sanctioned her because she did not go to her program but she was in the hospital. Her worker went on vacation and the other workers could not find the info etc. The lady who helped her at the place by putting her at a rundown efficiency (better than nothing); asked me what she has been doing this entire time. She has almost reached her limit for shelter (18 months). I did not have an answer for her. I had just received my child support which was 84 dollars for 2 weeks. I had no choice in my mind. I took her to the grocery store and bought 20 dollars of food and gave her 5 dollars. I did not have much money I could not give her any more. She thanked me and then I took her to the inn and she settled in. I then came back to the shelter and the mean as sh** lady was working. She informed me that I had to be written up because my room was not clean. It was because I was rushing to help this woman early in the morning and did not have enough time. Rules are rules so I just sucked it up and took the write up. I wanted to cry but honestly I just could not. I had to be strong for her to get the day done and I did not want to feel bad so I just was a bit distant and then went to do my chores then bed. I was emotionally drained that day. I left the shelter early in the morning and came close to night time helping this woman. I had to buy my daughter fast food that day because there was not time to cook anything since the kitchen was closed. I may have been able to tell the worker why I need to be given a little extra time to cook but that would have been useless because she is a meanie. She seems to have her favorites though. I will write separately what is happening now and go back to what happened before so at least the recent stuff can be much clearer. I did not like this day at all. To see her pushing her cart and all her stuff sitting in the front of the place near the entrance hurt. I do not know what is going on with her or why she is stuck and seems to be headed nowhere with a little girl and boy. I feel bad for those beautiful kids. I don’t know what she needs to be a little more independent or why she has more than one child. It seems insane and I do not think that she will stop having children. I am not in a place to judge anyone harshly. I have and continue to do things that I have no business doing either. I’ll write about that at a later date. I will not be able to go into detail because then I would be going into an adult content section. I don’t want that.


I will keep it short. I met a woman here. We have been hooking up. She hass some serious issues. I like her so much,but she does not seem to feel the same for me. I wish that she felt differently. It is what it is.


I got an extention. I will be able to stay there for one more month. That will be a relief. I attempted to take some classes to make me more marketable for work, but it is closed. So I went to the library and I plan to teach myself until I can get the class. I am working hard to find work. My mom keeps interrupting my plans with her nonesense. First she needed to close on her shell of a house. Then she needs me to go the insurance for her. I am losing valuable time doing what I have to do. I need to look for a place, fill my taxes, look for work, and little stuff. I have to tell her that this will be the last day. I am running out of time and I have to get these things done. I have only 3 weeks left. She is such a selfish woman. My daughter leaving to go with her grandmother will help me to go to school full time and finish 6 months faster than anticipated. I am making plans. The shelter is the same. People are under the influence of alcohol or drugs, those that are not just stay out of the way. I had a nice conversation with a woman today. Some of the girls are getting really stressed out and taking it out on their kids me included. I felt bad and tried to make it up to her. I said some mean things to my kid due to the pressure I was under. I did not mean to, I just feel so hopeless and now she is in this mess too because of me and my decisions. I did not think that finding work would be so hard. I need a resume for housekeeping that seems insane to me. They want receptionist that are basically secretaries. I should have taken some administrative classes when I had the time. Now I have to just try and see what happens with the skills that I do have, which are not much.


Ok so a week ago I go to the welfare office to get my voucher. That is a sheet of paper saying how much they will pay for your shelter and the date. You are suppose to get one every month. For a single mother with a child they will pay about $1,700.00 for a month. For a single woman they pay about $1,200.00 a month. Makes no sense I know, but plenty of people are getting paid from this backwards thing. So I go there since I recieved a letter telling me that I am not qualified for monetary benefits. I will get the food stamps and the medicaid. I cried for almost 2 days. I was hardly able to pull myself together to do what was necessary. So I do have an option of going to my mom's house. Which I will pay no rent because she had me sign a house in my name. The house is a piece of crap and already people are going into it and cutting pipes to make money. She has big plans for the house but it may be a year until it is livable. That helps ( not!). So I will go to two other places to see if they can be of any help. I am suppose to meet with this woman today but I will cancel because I will be to busy due to the weather getting in the way of any progress. The girls are still crazy. One that I am cool with just found out that she has been gettting ripped off by family members for about 4 years. That was sad. So I gave her some needed info. Now she is all over me. I am a person that likes her personal space. She is non stop irritating me. She wants to come to my room and so does her son. I already got a ticket hanging out with her and they are making comments about her coming to my room. I am not able to stay there past the 6th so I did not make waves. She used my bathroom for number 2 after I told her to go to her own room. She was so gross and she has herpes. I am so through with that girl. The staff is ok the evil one seems to take pride in making people uncomfortable. The place seems to like her for some reason. Me and her do not really talk after I complained about her. So I will have to move on and I am mad at how awful the Denver Broncos playes. Why did they even  bother to show up? Oh and I decided to let my daughter go with her paternal grandmother so that I can finish up my studies. I will be able to go full time and finish 6 months earlier. Which will be a huge weight off of my shoulders. I informed her father at his mother's request. He was upset. I guess she spoke to him then wanted me to speak to him even though she did not tell me that she spoke to him. I'm gonna have to just eat crow. He was upset he thought that I was going to ask him to take her in. He must be mad. This man is the epitome of what not to do as a father. He wants to take her in with his girlfriend even though he is married. Not to mention that this woman has 3 kids that she does  not have custody of. So instead of this woman raising her own children she wants to raise mine and my child does not like her. Not to mention he was complaining that she was not nice to his other children and he does not have his other children either. He is so obsessed with that earned income child credit. He is disgusting. My daughter says that she will miss me but she understands that this lifestyle is not good for her. I will get back on my feet then I will come and get her. I will miss her. We give each ohter extra hugs at night to kinda make up for the ones that we will not be able to give to each other later on.


So yesterday someone lifted someone's entire bacon and someone elses dozen eggs. I have no idea who it was. Now yesterday the girls are watchin Love and Hip Hop. I don't watch much tv but I did not want to be cooped up in my room so I stayed. The woman with the little boy is an alcoholic I just found out. There was an altercation with her and another woman but I thought that it was an isolated insident. So I am sitting there and she tries to squeeze in. She starts talking to me about group and about myself a bit. I don't say much then she tells me that she is in a substance abuse program. But that she no longer does drugs and is just an alcoholic. She reaks of alcohol. I had to sit uncomfortably next to her. She had her hand around the sofa behind me. She squished herself next to me and I was just like ready to leave. I chose to stay just to watch a little tv. Then I hear how she is interested in girls and that she has hit on a few of the other girls there. I  don't think that she is remotely attractive and to add being a loud mouth drunk to the mix, a definite no no. My friend who has serious emotional issues had a fight with her boyfriend. She seems to be very needy. I tried to talk to her later but I went to the wrong door again. Twice I went to the wrong door. One girl blurted out did you take your meds. I understand that we all know about some of her issues, but why blurt it out like that in front of people? It is not her job to notice things like that. Especially when she looks like she may want to take some herself. I read the letters that my ex wrote me when we were together. I just wish that they were true. Instead I read them knowing that they were all lies and I was nothing more than a fool.


I spoke to a friend of mine and she convinced me to be more lenient with tv time for my daughter. I let my daughter watch tv in the common room, while I am talking to my new friend. I will call her Sha. So I am still eating while my daughter and her son just finished. Then I hear yelling. One of the girls is cursing out and looks like she is about to fight another resident. The children are in the middle of this chaos. She was yelling and threatning a retarded woman because she did not want to listen to her. This lady's birthday was going to be the next day so she bought all this stuff from Dunkin Donuts to celebrate her b-day. Then T comes to her and tells her to move it and put it in the fridge so that the staff does not say anything to her. The lady tell her no. I will wait if they tell me something. Then she continues to tell the girl what to do.The woman refuses. Next thing I know she is saying how she always has something smart to say then goes on a rant. Meanwhile this other woman does not back down. She does not yell though she is calm during the entire thing. When I hear the yelling I get up and get my daughter and bring her upstairs. This lady who was yelling in between the children has a child and thought that her behavior was ok. She apologized to my friend witht the son saying that he is not used to her language. I'm thinking moron did you not see my child there. If anyone knows slow people they know that they have been usually bullied so much that they have a back bone. She was not even scared. There were about 5 staff members in the office. Only one got up to break it up. From what I have heard there have been physical altercations with staff and residents and resident on resident. I felt bad for the other lady because I know that she does not go looking for trouble, but if I even tried to break up the argument I would be at fault because it is the staff's job to take care of it. That poor lady does not belong in that place. She needs so much more. They are functioning retarded. They are willing to work and can usually take care of their self. They just need a little counseling and direction since they are suseptible to people manipulating them and taking advantage of them. I am trying to slowly distance myself from everyone. I also want to stop complaining. I have made a complaint against someone who is in my fridge I accused her of taking my juice to a staff member. Then I realized that I was mistaken. She made some Kool aid thing. Not that she does not take food from people. They have caught her this week in someone elses fridge. I think that I wil continue to not have ready made food. How can these women think that these boyfriends of their are worth anything. You are in a homeless shelter with no money or car or anything and you are being intimate and cooking and crap for these men. I guess some people have to go through it to realize that they should expect more from their significant other. Women use to have some power but it seems that the thing dangling from men are keeping women in their place. Women will overlook it all just to have access to it. They will learn.


I cannot sleep. I don't know how she got scabies. I use to shower almost every day because of my job, but I did not make her shower because I figured that since she did not go anywhere she can shower days at a time if she wants. I use to see people make kids bathe at night but I did not see the use if they did not do anything active. So now I feel bad. I make her shower at night and in the morning. I find it to be too much but what other option do I have. I am not at home. The girl in the room before me was not itching nor her children and she has not scars on her bod which are easy to see since she is always showing skin. I made a friend. She has some serious emotional issues and is on a lot of meds. She is nice and adorable at times. The girls here seem to be fluid with their sexuality, not the older ones though. They prefer men but have no problem being intimate with another female. There is not hooking up here or anything it is just from their conversations that I have figured this out. They make comments about hot people and such. The girl that I have become friends with though seems to have something against homosexuality. I don't discuss my personal life too much here. I have spoken to her though. I of course leave out a lot but that's fine. The school accepted my daughter's homeschool work which I am thankful for. She is doing ok, but these schools are test happy. By the time that I cook her dinner I don't have as much time as I would like to work on the school work. It is a lot. The teacher uses her cell phone in class which I do not find to be professional. I will not address this because I have no idea what is going on with me. I do not know if they will let me stay or what. I am planning on cooking enough food so that I only have to cook every other day, except on weekends, I have more time then. I also bought a small folding table thing at the second hand store so that she can do her work more efficiently while here. The only thing that this place is missing is a room for the kids to do homework. A quiet no yelling and cursing room. I'll make due. I would not feel happy if someone was not able to find shelter because of a study room. With the weather being so bad right now, traveling is not as easy. I was going to use the room across the street, but with the whole scabies thing, I think it not wise to sit where a lot of homeless people are at. There are so many people across the street many of them are substance abusers, cleanliness is not high on their list of priorities. The ones over here are not too bad. They don't cause too much trouble they just steal your food. That is annoying but I don't have too much ready to eat food in my fridge. I am just worried that when I have food for the next day they may take some. They need to make fridges with locks on each shelf for that resident. That way it is not so easy to go and take people's food. It would also be good if the staff monitored the kitchen more. It is not like they have any real work. They are just monitors really. I enjoy having a stove to cook on. I also took a bath for the first time in like 7 years. It was ok. My daughter had one today. She did not remember ever being in a tub. We take showers but she enjoyed the bath, I did as a kid too. I felt cleaner with the shower. I don't like seeing old skin floating by. She is eating so well since we have been here. She eats everything I cook with joy. I have made baked mac and cheese, tilapia, fried chicken, potatoes and veggies for her. Next week we will be eating much lighter. Next month I will attempt to make those cheddar biscuits like the ones from Red Lobster. I want to be able to have a job that does not take me away from my child, not coincide with my school, and be able to pay my bills. I would love to find someone but I don't think that it is going to happen. I don't go out. Sometimes I get confused on whether I still like guys or not. I see some and I am not repulsed by it; but then I go to the college and this woman walks in. She was about 5'9 and the feeling was all over. I don't feel that with any guy I meet. I guess it is what is the norm and makes sense. Being a lesbian does not make sense, it just feels right for me. Who cares I have too much to accomplish at this time. People from my old job have been offering to help me. They can hardly help their self.


Dinner time at the shelter. One lady fed her kid oodles of noodles. She devoured it. The only thing is I hope that she washed that high chair, because too many kids have eaten on there and been sick on it. One mother made chicken Alfredo with toast and broccoli (she always makes them good food. One mother who sold all her food stamps made some concoction. She made macaroni salad and boiled spaghetti and baked bean, she also gave it to another mother's child. That mother did not feel like cooking. Those were food that was donated. The other mother made something I don't remember. She has been in a bad mood. One mother came and asked me if the baked macaroni and cheese that I made was finished. She made chicken quarters that she received from a food pantry. I did not see any other mother come down to eat or feed their children. I guess they leave and eat elsewhere. One girl was saying how she was so mad that someone took her ketchup and then put another ketchup in her bin. She said that she was so mad that she threw it. It was my ketchup. I told her please don't do that next time because they take stuff from people and put it anywhere. Why would she do that anyway? Since the microwave broke I heat my leftovers on the stove and in the oven. Tomorrow I will be making tilapia and broccoli and maybe roasted potatoes. We have to be done eating and cleaning by 7:30 pm. Of course the drug addicts sat at the kitchen able and cursed and the children were running and fighting. I am so sick of these violent children. One mother came down in an outfit looking like a stripper. It was some g string outfit thing that could clearly be seen through her clothes. When one girl said something about her outfit she became angry and testy. Oh well.

SL 2

I just found out that one of the girls was almost attacked by another mother over a remote control. One of them with a little boy attacked another one because she wanted the remote. She was also drunk and has a habit of hogging the TV. I don't watch much TV so it does not matter too much. I would like to watch the super bowl though. I just don't know why they are so ghetto. I mean they curse so much around children. I saw one today that has 3 children and is pregnant (about to pop). She was on the phone cursing, telling someone that she needs to pop her in her f!!!! mouth. They tend to think that violence is how to raise their sons and daughters. They say that I have a boy I have to toughen him up. Maybe that is why so many black men are choosing to be with white women. When they watch TV they see a nice white mom, but their earliest memory of a black woman is a violent, loud, out of control woman. Maybe they would like a docile environment. I have no idea the thought just came to me. One lady's kid is crying now. I walked out to make sure that she was not in the hall alone again. I guess the mom is just beating her. That mom leaves today. It is not my place to interfere. I do not want any retaliation from these women. These men have these children and leave the women to fend on their own. It is not easy. Somehow I messed up the window shade. That is it for today

Shelter Life

Today was emotional. I am realizing that my mother is using me for her own advantage. She told me that if I had to move out of here that I would not be allowed to live with her if she has rented the attic because she wants to have her parties and that she does not want to hear that I need to study. She also stated that I may accuse her boyfriend of abuse because he loves children, if it is not your child stay away. She also lets her boyfriend drive her car and then ask me to give her rides. When she did not loan me her car when mine was broke down for a few months. I had to walk, take cabs, and trains. Now she wants me to purchase a house in my name but I cannot live in it because I cannot afford the rent. I knew that she was manipulative but I did not realize the extent of her abuse. I think that if I am allowed to stay here I will tell her that I no longer want the house in my name and that she should ask someone else. She tried to tell me this and that. I know realize that she may not want her boyfriend in on the mix so that he does not have to divide up assets with his baby mamas. He took out the loan and then she put the money in my account. Something is not right about that. I want nothing to do with it. If she becomes upset then I will not have a relationship with her. She is always trying to get over on me. She is slowly losing everything that she worked hard for. She has transformed into the wicked witch of the west. She behaves like a spoiled teenager. She dates young men that have no serious feelings for her, they all cheat on her, and one beats you. I think that she is bringing me down. I know how low I can get right.
This lady who works here is so nasty. She should not be working with people at all. She makes you feel low. If we were not here how would she pay her bills? I doubt that you need a college degree for this job. It is one of those jobs that people are lucky to get and keep because it is a nice gig. Every time that she spoke to me it was in a condescending tone. I heard some other people complain about her but I always give people a chance before I jump to judgments. She made me want to Count of Monte Crisco her ass. I was crying it was that bad. I spoke to one of the workers about how I felt and she had her come in for me to talk to her. She apologized but it was still a bit sarcastic. Then she decided that she was not going to speak to me at all. I told her that maybe she did not notice it but she made me feel uncomfortable and like crap. That is why when I see her I just want to run away. She feels so high and mighty. This is not her facility, she is not providing shelter for me. She is merely collecting a paycheck. She does not help you with anything. She barks orders. I enjoyed how they waited until 9 something to tell me that I had an extra chore, one that she made up not too long ago. Chores have to be started at 8:15. My daughter still needed help with her homework. Some people get enjoyment I believe from other people suffering. I cannot even call my daughter's father and ask him to help me pay for a few uniforms. He will not answer. I have to bring in my paperwork and see if it will be approved. I am very nervous. I may have embellished the truth a bit, now I am in a hole. If I was a recovering addict they would help me, no matter how many times I have fallen of the wagon. Seeing as how I am just a regular person not proficient in the systems working I get the shaft. I was on it before then I was able to get off. I was a bit lazy these past few weeks. I have a resume and I will get my reference page and continue from there. I am positive and I will not give up. I need it to be around my schedule. Wish I had a special love interest in my life. I will make better choices though. I will not be enamored with the shell of the person. I will take a holistic approach to how I choose a mate. I have let a lot of decent suitors slip through my fingers. They liked me so much. They were good people. Now I am back at square one, at over 30 yrs. old.

Week 1 at shelter

Ok I am at the shelter now and it is not so bad. I was put in a room because mine was not ready. I followed the rules but I was late one day, but I called and explained why. I missed a super good party for a friend. Ok so the girls there are ok. Some have kids and some were ("") on drugs and followed the rules so they get to come to my building. Little things like food go missing. Many of the girls there sell their food stamps for money and then go around asking other people for their food. That is annoying. One girl that has a little girl is always asking people for food, drink, and toiletries. She has blond hair and reminds me of Halle Berry from Baps (minus the hot thin part). They curse like crazy around anyone and kids. They have very little patience with their children. The children look like they are taken care of. I met one that is 20 and wants to be a pediatrician. I try to encourage her and stuff, without getting too in her business. For what she wants to do she would need a lot of help from family. If she gets the right support system and stops having children it may be possible. I doubt most of us would be in there if we were not single parents. A few of the girls wear these hideous eyelashes that look like feathers on their eyes. It screams ghetto. I really think that they should lose that look. One night one of the girls invited me to a jam session. She started to sing and others joined it. They sounded amazing. I left because there was no way my chicken scratch voice was entering that mix. One of the loud girls is so funny. She cracks me up. There is one girl there that is depressed and I can tell that something is wrong with her.  She is on meds and wants to come off and all I could think is, if you are like this on meds I would hate to see what you are like off of them. She is cool. She shares a bit too much information like telling us all of her std. I don't knock her though. Sometimes the ones that were on the drugs( I use that loosely) come in and look high. There is random drug screenings though. There is this one lady that I met. She is well over 40 and probably still on drugs. She has a little boy that is about 9 months. He is the cutest thing. He has big blue eyes and you just want to take him from her and take care of him. She is always with him but she neglects him a lot. I tried to help one day and just hold him. I asked first and she was ok with it. But I had to finish my intake and they told me to put the baby down. Then they began to reprimand her for not taking care of her crying baby. She let them have it. I like her hutpa. She is full of spirit. They recieved gifts this past Christmas and they were asked to write thank you letters. She said thank you for the gifts and signed her name. They asked her to write more and she told them this is all you getting from me. She looks older and has a missing tooth but the electrician that came in was hitting on her. I was like damn. He was cute too. I don't get men. I have not been to the gym in a while. I was told that I could use the gym near by for free. I might take them up on the offer. I have no idea if I gained any weight or not. I am walking more. The workers are very nice and helpful. One is rude but hey 1 ain't bad. I met her for the first time yesterday. Usually I am in my room by the time that she comes. I went to her to find out why they leave the door unlocked after they come in to check on us. She was so rude. I did not like the feeling that I felt when I left her office. She told me that I did not do my chores. I was told what my chore was on Monday. No one told me that my chore would change or to see anyone. So I did what they told me to do. I just did not like the way she spoke to me. She spoke to me like I was nothing. I tried not to let it get to me but it made me feel sad a bit. The whole time that I was there and in my situation I never felt like crap until I met her. I wanted to tell her about her attitude but I was scared of the consequences. When I get back on my feet I will speak to her about her attitude towards us. If that does not work I will write a letter. I know that I should let it go, but I can't  control how I feel. She was black to. I tell you we break each other down instead of uplifting. No wonder we are in such a sad state. Ok so I was no longer allowed to homeschool my child. So I registered her in the school nearby which has a good academic reputation. But it is an urban school district. So today my daughter goes in and the teacher ask her to open her bookbag. She is confused. I mean like in 2nd grade, wow. She told me that her first day went like this. She saw a kid bite one kid then that kid bit the kid back, kids were jumping off the table during class, the kids were cursing non stop at each other in class. I said whoa what a day. She said this is such and such town. Their parents are drug addicts and psychos. I was laughing. I am pretty sure that she got that from me. I do not know if they put her in that particular class because of my new address or because it was the only one with room in it. The teacher told her she was the best student and gave her a new book. I don't know if she tells everyone that or not. She was one of 4 students that was allowed to use the computer. They were suppose to watch a movie at the library but since the kids could not behave the teacher told them to do work. She did her one homework. I made her do more work because I did not feel that it was enough. I don't know if I will have to leave. I have to give my paperwork to the welfare office. I am not sure where to go from here. They say that unless I have the paperwork she will have to go to summer school. I had an attendance paper but I did not save all of her work. I will give them what I have and see what they say. I have no idea why I did not save it all. I will attempt to take care of that this weekend. I still have no money. I have borrowed from friends. I will have to see if I can be approved for welfare. I will be able to get some income tax money in 2 months. I will not waste it. I am hoping to get some financial advice while I am there. I go to this group 2x a week. The man seems very helpful and he seems like he really cares. He is a mental health guy. It felt nice to talk. I have no idea why the girls do not like going. One girl was just on her facebook. This man knows stuff. I would not be wasting this valuable resource. I went down the wrong door and could not find my way out I was terrified. The doors were all locked. I had to knock to get back on the floor. The woman who shares a room next to mine creeps me out. She is yelling and crying and then her daughter is crying who is like 11. I think that she is Polish or Russian. She seems nice enough outside of the room but I try to tune her out. I don't know her story. I don't know many of their stories. I try to avoid them as much as possible because they curse too much and I do not want to enter into any drama. When that lady was rude to me I did not say anything to the girls because on my first day there one of the workers told me don't get involved in any drama. I have heard them talk about the workers but I say nothing. I have been busy all week. I have to go back to the welfare office today. I may walk. it is just that I do not know how long I will be there  and I wil have to leave at 2:20 to make sure that I can pick up the kids. They are suppose to go in lunch at 12 pm but most leave at 11:30. By some I mean almost every single worker. Then they come back at 1. If I can not be seen today I may have to go on Monday. I just need a little bit of money to buy my daughter school clothes, detergent, and car expenses. My mom won't loan me a penny. I do not wan to borrow from anyone. I do not want to put them in a position where they feel that they have to help me. One friend seemed upset that I was at the shelter. She told me that I should go to her house. She has bedbugs and she does not know that I know the truth about their problems. She just wants me to babysit her bad kids. She is tempermental and her bf is always hitting on me. When he is not hitting on me he is introducing me to shady looking family members. She thinks that he is just a flirt. She was telling me how she is working now and has money. So I asked her for 60 dollars she only had 20. I knew that she was full of it. But the 20 did help I was able to get my daughter school pants. today I will get the sweats and she will have to wear her beat up sneakers there is no money for sneakers right now. I may go to the thrift store when I have some time.

Living in a shelter

I am living at a homeless shelter now. It is not so great but not so bad. I just need someplace to lay my head that is safe. With everything going on I have no idea if I can continue this homeschool. This is a process. I will see how things go. I will keep an update. I aam keeping to my inital goal of trying to stay positive. I am not sure if I want to write about it or write it down on paper and write about it after it is all done. I have had so many people step up to offer me help. I was surprised. Sometimes you think that you are all alone then you find out that if you let people in on a little of what is going on they are willing to help with no ill intentions. I am listning to the Chloe and Halle version of pretty hurts. I love their version. Although Chloe should have done it alone. The other girl I think is too young to be sing it with the emotions required. My daughter is ok, she is rolling with the punches. Some of the girls there have so many kids. I can not imagine dragging so many kids around constant instability. I have a 2 yr plan. I have made a lot of mistakes but I think that I have it under control now. Let me know if you want the journey. If I don't get any comments I will write it down when it is all over.

I'm scared.

I just saw a mouse in my house. I am so terrified. I am litterly frozen with fear. I have a family member coming by. I just want to move. I know that my fear may be irrational but I am a girl. I am sleepy and afraid to sleep. I was going to ask someone if I could sleep at their house but it is late. I was even going to sleep at my mom's house, but too many people there. I have no job, I am single and now this. I just feel like I need a get out of jail free card. I want to reach out and beg for help. I am so lost. I wish that someone could help me. Things were looking up. The place is a bit messy but not that bad. I think that it is because of the weather and the hole in my place. They are probably in my pantry eating what little food that I have left. I should be strong. I think the answer is to get a kitten. I hate being poor and single. I keep thinking that if he did not leave me that thing would be better. I wish that I was never born. I really wish that I were dead. I hate this life. I have to live for my baby. We had such a nice time today. I just wish that life was just a bit smoother. How did this happen to me. How is this my life. I am a good person. I have been wearing the same clothes for 3 days. I have no money to wash them. I live in the USA things should not be this bad. Why is there no help for me and my baby. I just want to get up and move. I am sad, scared, and poor.


I pounded the pavement today and tried to look for work. Nothing came of it, but that's ok.  I called the unemployment office. Since it said that my claim was pended. The funny thing is that I was told that if my claim is denied that I will get a  letter in 10 days. The man tells me that I should call him back in 10 day to find out the decision. So I guess he was trying to tell me something. I was hopeful that it would go through. It is not that I do not want to go on welfare. I was just hoping that I could find a job before things got bad. I am a good employee. I walked to save money on gas, but then it got too cold so I headed back. I will go back tomorrow. I may ask someone to loan me 10 dollars to put some gas in the car. I am willing to do most jobs. The only job that I will not do is anything in the sex industry. I could in no way ever do that. The crazy thing is that I know people who have money to help me, but I know that they would not because they don't help anyone. I'm ok with that. That song by Candice, called Cried helped me to release some tears. I have been listning to it on repeat. I am sad, but I put my best face for the world to see. I feel bad for my baby girl. I'm doing my best for her not to feel the effect of my situation. She sees me trying and I ate a few crackers today but made her something to eat. I want to save the food for her. I am running out of crackers for myself. I am so fat and my sugar is going down so I am ok. I was eating crazy of course but now that I am eating less my blood sugar is slowly going down. It was 315 which for those that don't know anything about diabetes, the number is terrible. I checked it today and it was 258. That number is bad but it is an improvement. When it goes down to 115 then that will be a healthy number. I am exercising and things are not horrible. They are just a bit hard. Ok going to clean up a bit.

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Previous Posts
Shelter Life 14, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 13, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 12, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 11, posted April 15th, 2014
Shelter Life 10, posted April 15th, 2014
SL9, posted April 15th, 2014
Shelter life 8, posted April 15th, 2014
sl7, posted March 2nd, 2014
SL6, posted February 6th, 2014
SL6, posted February 4th, 2014
SL6, posted January 28th, 2014
SL5, posted January 27th, 2014
SL4, posted January 27th, 2014
SL3, posted January 27th, 2014
SL 2, posted January 27th, 2014
Shelter Life, posted January 27th, 2014
Week 1 at shelter, posted January 16th, 2014
Living in a shelter, posted January 12th, 2014, 1 comment
I'm scared., posted January 7th, 2014
Unemployed, posted January 2nd, 2014
Today, posted January 2nd, 2014
New Year's Resolutions., posted January 2nd, 2014
New Year 2014, posted January 1st, 2014
Vacation Plans., posted December 27th, 2013
My :( Christmas, posted December 24th, 2013
Many Bi s on Facebook, posted December 13th, 2013
Braiding my daughter's hair., posted December 11th, 2013
Bingo Time, posted December 9th, 2013
Just saw Catching Fire, posted December 4th, 2013
Just another day., posted November 26th, 2013
Natural Hair, posted November 8th, 2013
Comment on Post., posted November 6th, 2013
Want a new outlook., posted November 4th, 2013
It will get worse. I know it!, posted October 3rd, 2013
CNA job, posted September 6th, 2013
Why can't I move on., posted September 2nd, 2013
Getting ready for fall., posted September 1st, 2013
Schools out Lonely, posted May 30th, 2013
Feel, posted April 7th, 2013
Today, posted March 8th, 2013
My Diabetes, posted March 2nd, 2013
Forgot I had a blog!, posted February 7th, 2013
New Year 2013, posted January 2nd, 2013
They grow up so fast., posted December 29th, 2012
Saying goodbye to 2012, posted December 19th, 2012
Sad, posted December 16th, 2012
OK, posted December 10th, 2012, 5 comments
Decisions, posted December 3rd, 2012
Getting ready to move., posted November 25th, 2012
Happy Holidays!!! NOT, posted November 22nd, 2012
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