empresslya's Blog

Insecurities 5

Things are getting much better. Me and her had a nice talk today. We were able to talk about a lot of things that have been troubling me and it has helped me to feel more confident in our relationship. I am still very jealous, but that will maybe go away when we are together. She does get bored like I do and I hope that I don't bore her. She does not like to see me so exposed. She wants there to be something left to the imagination. I am a person that likes to get comfortable in just some boy shorts or short shorts. I am going to be dressed and not give her any teasers from now on. I tend to dress provocatively when I go out, but I will keep it slightly mysterious. This is a big change. She has not asked me to, but I will put myself on a very low calorie diet in an attempt to be thinner by the time we meet. It may be in December but the way that the ticket prices are we would only be able to spend a week together anyway so I don't think it matters if I do get the tickets in January when they will be much cheaper. I have decided to ask her to give me more time. I hope that she will agree to it. If she comes in March it is not a tourist season and the flights will be much cheaper and I can save more money for her to have a good time. I think that she will think that I am changing my mind, I hope that she realizes that I am doing it because it will benefit us. I will not be able to do it in December and I will not have enough money by January. It is tourist season. I will have money for the plane ticket but that will be all and it is the same time that I will have finals. I will barely be able to give her much attention the test is cumulative. I also want to get fit. I want her to see me and say wow. I am cute but I have to lose this weight. I have seen it done and I did it before and it has stayed off. I am at 215. I have been this weight for over 6 months now and I eat more than I should. I plan to start the new diet on Monday. Hopefully I will no longer have an insecurities blog. I will keep it until I do lose all of the weight that I want to because, it is an insecurity that I have. I think once a week I write about what I have eaten for the week, any exercises, and the weight gained or loss. That may be a boring blog and one that has been done to death but I will find it to be refreshing. I threw away all my journals or diaries, whatever people refer to them as. I bought another one and plan to start writing in it. Sometimes when I type I feel like I am playing a musical instrument. My mind just put the words out here and it feels amazing and like I am letting weight of. It is not physical weight but mental turmoil.

Insecurities 4

I can't talk to my friends about this. I can't even talk to my girl about this. I had a dream one night a few weeks ago that scared me. I dreamt that I was about to meet my girl. The love of my life, for the first time. I dreamt that for some reason I did a background check on her. Right before I was to meet her someone an old school mate, told me that it was a bad idea. She told me I have some information on your new girlfriend. She was a serious criminal and my old school mate who is not my friend in real life, said you should always check on people before you meet them. I was scared that I almost let her into my house around my child and that I did not even really know her. Everything that she told me was a lie. I never found out in my dream why she lied to me or what it was that she was hiding. I woke up and it bothered me for a few days. I eventually told her about my dream. She said something to me, but I really don't remember. I had this gut feeling that something was wrong. I love her and I swore that I would love her no matter what. She seems like a good person. I want to talk to her about these things but she does not want to open up to me. She has this wall up and I don't know why she does not trust me. I know that I have not told her everything about me, but I don't think that they are that serious. It is stuff that I find to be embarrassing, I don't know if that is why she is keeping things from me. I don't know what is going on. I love her so much. I am willing to make this work but I want to know more about her. I want her to let me in.  Ok so I go to her fb page, something that I hate doing. I am even going on a 600 calorie diet to be healthier and also to look like the women that she keeps on adding to her friend list. I get updates all the time about what my friends are doing. I get an update about her befriending another woman. I did not get to see what she looked like or catch the name. So I go to her page and she has so many women as friends and then I go into her about section. I see that she has her relationship status as single. That hurt, I tried to tell myself that the reason that she had it that way was because she did not want people to know about her being gay. But I know that it's pure none sense. I know so many people that put married as a status just to have people leave them alone. She could have done that and if any family member asked she could have said that she put it up because she did not want people hitting on her. But I know that maybe she has her reasons and that maybe she does love me. Recently she quickly had to hide that she was on Skype with me. She wanted to hide me from her family. I understand but I just wonder when I will no longer be a secret in her life. I am going to follow my heart and love her. I will ignore my brain, because I gave her my heart and trust and I intend to keep my promise to her. She will be my wife and I have to understand that she does not have the same freedom that I have here in the states. I'm not going to mess this up. I love her and for the first time in my life I will follow through. I am scared, but it is scary to fall in love. I am so scared of falling. I have been in real love once before. This will be my second time in love with someone. The first person that I was in love with was never going to pan out, because he was married. It was a doomed love affair. There is no reason for this not to work out unless, I mess it up. She will be my wife and I want to be with her forever. The reason that I don't want to talk to my friends about this is because, I want to deal with our issues between us. I will no longer involve others in my relationship. People may read this blog but very few people ever comment so, I don't feel like I am betraying her, because I am truly anonymous. I do not want to talk to her about this because we just got over the ex, who I still believe that she has feelings for, may even be in love with her. She is with me and I will just let it go like I said that I would. So, I do not want to talk to her about this with her because I seem to be the one that has issues and am messing things up. She is easy going. I am the one that is sabotaging this with my jealousy issues and weight insecurities. I hope that when I lose this weight, I will feel more secure. She never complained about my weight, she complains about hers. I honestly can't wait to touch her teddy bear like body. She makes me feel good and I keep making myself feel bad. I sometimes wonder why she is attracted to me when all the other women in her life seem to be thin or slightly thick like all of those women on her fb friends list. I was the biggest one on her fb list. I hope to lose a nice amount of weight by the time that we finally meet. 60 pound will be enough to make me feel good about myself and to feel sexy enough for her. I had a flu shot and my arm still hurts and is swollen at the site. This has nothing to do with my insecurities but it has been hurting for over a week now. Just felt like mentioning that.

Nursing Lab 5

This will be a short entry. I apologize ahead of time for not being able to give a full review. Since I am no longer drinking coffee. I may drink only one cup a day. I was up studying then I did not fully recuperate from the serious lack of sleep, which caused me to be exhausted today. I was in class struggling to stay awake. I think that I may have fallen asleep a few times. We were discussing medication math and about some of the medication errors and what an LPN was allowed to do and we also covered the fact that addiction was a problem. We mostly focused on distribution and error prevention and  on some of the new technology that is out there now to help avoid the medication errors. It seems that even with this new technology, there are still too many errors. Of course when that error is someone that you know or love, it's one too many. I am not a nurse yet but I can see that complacency may be an issue and nurses having mini battles with each other. I do see cliques and it can get a little high school at times. Back to what happened in class. After the power point presentation. One half was to stay in the class and do math. We were unsupervised and talked instead. The other half went upstairs to the lab and the Prof. discussed the different modes of medication administration and supplies. I have seen a med cart before so it was no aha moment. Then someone asked about the new computerized med carts. Then I turned and saw one so pretty. The computer was on top and the individual draws were on the bottom. I wanted to touch that bad boy so bad. She says the in the hospital, when you enter the patients name, their draw pulls out with their meds. That seemed so cool. She said that later we would be able to see it. I wanted to use it then and there, but I will wait. I use to think that I wanted to start of with nursing and then finish with pharmacy, but I seem to love this so much. I think that the reason that I was able to stay up so long studying is because I love this so much. As difficult as some geriatric patients can be, I have a connection with the elderly, I genuinely like them. I know as a CNA the relationship was strained due to the bitter racist and violence that I had to endure, but there were good moments. I just think that we needed  more CNAs and maybe one more nurse. Good ones, not just bodies, that knew how to do the work, but lacked heart. One girl was bold enough to come up to the lab while the last group was up there to interrupt the Prof. to ask if they could leave. Mind you it was the same girl that is really late every day and she rolled her eyes at one of the Prof., who will be teaching  the higher level classes, when she tried to tell her that being late for exam day will cost her to lose valuable minutes. We do have way more time then we need to complete the exam. You either know it or not, but I know that some people have some disabilities that causes them to need more time, so I get it. She told the girl no and had a look on her face, like are you serious right now. She continued to show us a few more things and then we went home. I am not going to study but tomorrow I will crack open the books and get back to work. I'm going to do the math for a while then start studying the book.

Lecture Exam

This was my first exam of the semester. I do not think that I am able to go into details so I won't I would love tell you what was on that exam. Ok that being said. The reason that I think that I can't discuss it is because when I was done, we were allowed to leave for a break and the Prof. told me and everyone that left that we are not allowed to discuss the exam. Now I see why I have had such a hard time finding out what to expect from nursing school.  I literally felt like there would be dire consequences for disobeying her rules. That being said. I will discuss it but I just won't go into details, I think that it's allowed. I studied like a psycho. I studied like it was the N-CLEX. I was so ready or so I thought. I went back and rewrote notes on what I had read. I studied acronyms. I was so ready I studied body structures and how to spell them. I  studied different skin conditions. I was so ready. I decided to take a nap and catch up on the math. I woke up a little after 9 am and went to bed a little after 5 am. I could not get up. I went to school looking like a lunatic. My outfit was horrible. I washed my daughter's school clothes by hand to avoid going to the laundromat. I washed my underwear and socks and hung them up to dry. Then I drop my daughter off at school. Then head straight to school. I tried to study in traffic. I turned down the radio to not lose what I had stored in my short term memory. Usher was on I actually did want to hear that interview. After half an hour of driving the traffic was gone. I drove straight to school. I was so confused and stuck on saving the material that I did not realize that I was an hour early for school. So after I sat there for 10 minutes and realized this, I went to my car and got my notes. I figured that I would attempt to store some of the math. I was suppose to finish chapter 9. I am still on 5, but it was mostly review of conversions. Thank goodness. Those remedial classes came in handy. I was able to grasp the material rather easily. For some reason I focused on the conversion for the exact thing that was on the test. I almost started to write specifics. Trust me I would love to tell you everything, but I have to respect the school rules. I must also say that mean blonde was nice today.  It made her seem cuter. She is kinda cute. I think I like strong women. One of my Prof. is kinda hot too. I scheduled to to the lab today at 9 am not realizing that I could still do it. I told her that my doc appt. got canceled and that I wanted to reschedule. She was nice about it. I've never been with a white woman before not that I have that chance now but, she is cute. I love my girl but we can look. Ok so I know that I must have looked nuts. I am happy that I studied instead of doing the lab anyway. So after class I go to the doctor to get the medical stuff out of the way. I will be back. I hate a laptop sometimes. I just wrote something that took quite some time and my laptop deleted it. Ok I had to get some blood work for school and also some shots. I spoke to the doctor and explained that I had no insurance for a while. She told me to cut back on the caffeine. My diastolic was a bit high. I have had six cups of coffee and only slept 2 hours in a 24 hour period. I also had my first exam which I think that I bombed. The questions were very critical thinking and I am someone who takes orders. I was ready to answer facts that are objective. Ok so the woman is getting ready to give me a few shots and draw my blood. I had to get a flu shot. It hurt really bad and my arm still hurts. I asked her if she had that numbing spray she laughed. I was serious. I should find out where it is so that I can get it and spray myself when I am about to get poked. After she does it some liquid part sprayed out of my arm. My arm still feels like there is a needle in it. I never has the injected material splatter out like that. She give me a tetanus shot, and then the TB shot. I forget what it is called. I just know it by ppd two step. I think that it is Mantoux or something. It hurt, now not so much. Then they when I say they I mean a medical assistant and 3 doctors, all female attempted to draw my blood. First the medical assistant did it but after just a little blood came out she called in reinforcements. My plump cute doctor. She tried and moved the needle in my arm to get blood. It hurts really bad, having someone move a needle in your vein to attempt to get blood that refused to flow was not pleasant. Then another doctor tried it. A nice looking young black girl. She looked young and when I say cute not cute I want to be with you cute. I mean cute as in just cute. She did my right hand then i don't know what happened but it started to hurt. My vein was about to collapse or something, I forget what she said. All I know is that it hurt and that my hand where the needle was in began to swell. She quickly took out the needle and then another confident doctor comes in. She is hot and aggressive and looks like she would make a sexy lesbian. I am pretty sure that she was straight, but her confidence like a military woman had me a little happy. She put another needle in my left hand and the blood was flowing so slowly that they decided to not bother with the last tube. As she was struggling as well, my hand began to swell where the needle was. They quickly pulled it out. She got a drop of blood on her hands. She just sanitized it. I don't know what they thought about me but unless it was a 98 year old granny, I' be scared I caught something. I should also mention that the only person wearing gloves that should have been changed each time that she touched me, was the only one wearing gloves as they drew my blood. It was a weird experience. How do I end up in these situations. Now people are drawing blood with no gloves, doctors at that. I hope that their hands were clean. I noticed them sanitizing them a lot but I still worry about germs. Maybe I am a paranoid nut. I hope that I did not catch anything, that would defeat the whole purpose of trying to get healthy. So crazy my day. I think that my girlfriend is still upset with me. I think a part of her thinks that maybe she should break up with me. I get like that sometimes. I hope that she forgives me and changes her opinion of me. I will hold on and try to keep her in love with me.

Relationship update

I have no choice but to accept that she is going to be in her exes life. I said that I wanted someone who would love me unconditionally. I realize now that I can't expect someone to do what I am not willing to do. I have no idea how I'm going to navigate this. I have to undo some of my reckless behavior. I am going to attempt to keep this woman in my life. I really truly love her. She is amazing and I want to be happy with someone. I thought that I could just get over it because it was new, but she is worth everything that I can give. I just don't know what to do when I dislike or disagree with some of her decisions or actions or whatever. Do I just do whatever she wants. I suppose I should be with someone who would not hurt me and not accept less. So far she has not hurt me and whatever is not or is going on with her ex or exes, I will just accept. I'm going to end up being a doormat. I don't know what to do, it usually speak my mind and I don't put up with things that I do not like without a fight. Unfortunately I think that I am in real love and that renders me vulnerable and defenseless. This is going to be completely new territory for me. I have no idea how this will go. I hope things go well. I love her so much.

Maybe I'm meant to stay single.

Well early this morning me and my girlfriend got into it a bit. Yes, from all the way from here to there. I really care about her, but as time goes on it is starting to seem as if we are not meant to be together. I saw this clip for this upcoming movie and I cried because that is what I want. I want that unconditional love. Someone who will love me no matter what. I am not nearly perfect. I have issues. I just want to be with someone that is all mine. I guess that is too much. It is already starting to hurt. Ok I had to get the tears out of the way. In that movie that woman loved him and nothing made her love falter in anyway. Every now and then some people are lucky enough to love someone completely and meet someone who can love them the same. I know that it does not happen often, those people must be the luckiest people in the world. I'm not sure why I am not that lucky, that is the true lottery winning. Those are the odds that make people throw their hands in the air and think, I'm not going to win that prize. I guess I should start from the beginning. I talked about the ex-girlfriend. Well for some reason I was bored and started messing with her about the ex-girlfriend. I already knew that she remained friends with her exes, she told me this in the beginning. I was not 100 percent ok with it, but it was what it was. There was something about the way that she made that comment to me about this one. When she immediately defended how she looked. There was something there. As much as I tried to let it go. I knew that there was something more to this ex. You know that feeling that you get. Well I pushed the subject. I don't know why I did it. I guess I wanted to see how far I could push the subject. This morning I pushed her hard, I truly was only joking because I was bored. I know that it was not the right thing to do but I did it. We all have are immature moments I suppose. I pushed her to the point where she felt the need to tell me that she will not stop being friends with her ex on fb and in real life. First she said that she does not see her or talk to her and that she had a bf. Then she says how she is a special person and that she will not stop being friends with her for me. She will not do it. I did not ask her to, but I did ask her if she still had feelings for her and she completely changed the subject. I guess she thinks that I did not notice. She knows that just because I did not bring it up again does not mean that I forgot. What I hear is I am still in love with my ex who has chosen not to be with me and I am not willing to lose her for you, but I am willing to lose you for her. She told me that I was a mean person because I did not see her point about why she would not erase her from her life. I don't usually give people ultimatums and I'm not going to start now, but I definitely do not want to be with someone who still has feelings for their ex. Am I suppose to wait for her to get over her. I told her that I do not stay friends with my exes. I don't see a reason to. I am not friends with exes.  I keep my friends and intimate partners separate. I never get them intertwined. I value friendship more than relationships because  true friends will be there no matter what. She then told me that she does not want to be with a mean person. She basically told me that she does not want to be with me. I think that she wanted to break up with me. She may do it anyway. Maybe she will go to sleep and wake up and think that she does not want to be with me. It hurts but it just is not meant to be I suppose. In the past I have broken up with good people or not given them a chance. I felt bad at the time because I knew how they felt about me and I just could not stay knowing that I did not feel the same. I love this woman but I think that she is in love with someone else. Some people do remain friends with their exes and it never goes past friendship. That being said, most people continue sleeping with exes, especially when it is fresh. I really don't think that she is sleeping with her, but I don't necessarily think that she does not want to sleep with her. I guess now I will just wait for her to break up with me. I don't do well in relationships anyway. I really thought that we were going to get married and live happily ever after. Sometimes when I am into someone I lose focus and let things that I should pay attention to, I ignore. I guess that it will just be me and my daughter for now. Until she grows up and starts her own life. I use to think that I wanted more. Now I realize that more is just not in the cards for me. I'm not into just hooking up. I tend to get emotionally attached. I can turn my feelings off, but I hate having to think about stds. If something is casual even if you get tested together that person could be hooking up with other people and bam std. I guess I can just stock pile batteries. I feel like Jennifer Aniston. After the heartbreak with Brad, she has never been able to be happy like she was before. I thought that my daughter's father was the one for me. Now that thought actually sickens me for so many other reasons other than him being male. Now 8 years later I thought that I found the one but she obviously is not. I bought some books that I have not had time to read. As soon as I get my RN I may just stop going to school and have time to read them. I may even have time to read some of my school books and truly absorb the material. I do not have one past relationship memory, where I can say I let this one slip away. She says that I am cold. She is right. Growing up was not pleasant. My mom beat the crap out of me daily and crushed my spirits. My father did not care about me at all. My grandmother the one person that truly love me died when I was a little kid. Then I became close with my great aunt and she died. I was bullied and went through some stuff, men touched and tried to do things to me when I was a kid, I have been hurt by friends and exes. I had a baby with a man that made the experience less than pleasant. I've tried to commit suicide a few times. Yes I am cold but life does that to you sometimes. Am I mean no, not really. I go out of my way to help people because I know what it is to be all alone.  I tend to limit the people that I care about because I don't like the feeling of intense hurt. When I think about my great aunt the pain is so strong. Me and her became close when I was an adult. I can't even talk about how much it hurt to see her in the vent unit, unable to move. She tried to talk to me but no words came out, it hurt so bad. I just wanted her to be ok again but she dies. She was a good person. I don't have many family members that care about me and the two that did are gone. I always get hurt when I open myself to people. I opened myself to my girlfriend, probably soon to be ex. I'll be ok because we were not together that long and if she had to save me or that ex, I'd be dead. I guess that's what it comes down to. Imagine that you are married to someone and they had a choice you or an ex and they chose the ex. That is not someone that you should marry. Sometimes when I talk to her I pause but it's not for the reason that she thinks. I really do pause when people ask me things because even though an answer should be automatic I don't answer automatically. I remember once she asked me if I was ever interested in a friend of mine. I paused, I don't really know why, but I never could even be attracted to that friend. I really do not ever want to be with my friends in any romantic way, ever. I was with a friend once, but it was not because I was attracted to the person, it was a stupid reason. I was young and did quite a few questionable things. I did too many things just to do it. I did not grow up in a household where my mother hugged and kissed me and said I love you. I did not grow up in a household where my stepfather did that either. I don't get attached to people. I don't even feel comfortable with physical contact. I am when I am with a partner and with my daughter, but sometimes I prefer not to be touched. She does not want to get hurt by me but I am the last person that she has to worry about hurting her. I love her and when I love someone it is unconditional. I've loved very few people and the relationships broke down due to no part of mine. They preferred to be with other people. I am not so great at sharing. I guess she is right about me being selfish. If I'm yours, I expect to be your one and only as well. 

Maybe there is more going on with me?

I know that I have insecurities because of my weight, lack of education, lack of employment, and a few other things. Some of them I am working on, but I think that there is more going on though. I think that perhaps I am a little depressed and should get real help. I do go to therapy, and she has noted my sadness at times, but I will never admit to being depressed. I have been depressed since I can remember. I just wanted out of this difficult life. I just felt that I am just another person existing for a count. I wanted to live, thrive. I have no idea how. I am not sad all the time. There are times when I am in the moment and happy. Then there are those days when I'm in a Eyore state of mind. Some days I'm like Pooh. It is still that time of month and for like 9 days out of the month I have to fight the sadness. There are interactions that I have with people that make it better. I felt good to lose 20 pounds and luckily I have kept it off. I still have a lot more to do. I use to be really fit and beautiful. I still was unhappy and tried to commit suicide. I never got help. I'm glad that  I did not die, I don't want to commit suicide anymore. I push those thought and feelings away, when they do come. I also expel people from my life that cause me to feel so low that I want to end it. Unfortunately I don't have many people in my life now. My New Year's Resolution was to be more optimistic. Which I have done. I have accomplished a lot of the things that I have said that I would. The year is not done and I have just a few more things to resolve in my life. I did not care if I ever found love because I know that with love comes unbearable pain. Which I wanted to avoid at all cost. Now that I somehow fell in love. I know understand why they say fall. Some of us don't want it after an experience of emotional destruction by someone that should have been the last person to cause such agony. I'm not so great in the love department and that is fine. I'm going to give it a go with this woman but after her I am completely done. I will live out my life with a few pets or something. Maybe not. I love to read. I will read every and anything. I hope that I don't end up hurt. It would truly blow chunks. Something about West Indian women that some people are weak to resist. Ok I don't want to talk about my girl. She is not really why I am sad although it would seem that way. It really is all me. Something is wrong with me and I know what it is. I have been dealing with it since I was a kid. Just when I was ready to throw in the towel I became pregnant. Life is funny that way. I am lucky in so many ways. I don't have a whole lot but I have enough. Honestly I almost have everything that I want. I just have to finish school and that will complete my wants. My girlfriend who is practically my fiance is not a guarantee. I have yet to see a happy love story to believe that it is possible for me. I have no intention of doing anything to destroy us, but she is young and I think that she may turn into a butterfly and fly away. To be completely honest I am ok with that. I want her to be happy and if it is with someone else that is fine. I don't mean to be pessimistic but she is 25. I think that there is still some growing into your own to do at that age. I could just be me, preparing for the worst. 

Insecurities 3

Today started out ok. I was able to take the day of to study which I did. Then I started talking to my girl. Things seemed cool in the beginning. I knew that she was busy so I did try to end the conversation  but we ended up talking for hours. I try not to talk to her unless she calls me to avoid bothering her so much. I allowed her to access my computer from a remote location and I knew that it would cause problems. The thing is there are parts of me that I don't share with the people that I know. Me and her are in a relationship, we don't have to know everything about each other. There are things that are separate. Well she wanted to open thing that I did not want her to. Like this site. My blog is on here. She does not know a whole lot about things that I have been through and I don't think that she needs to, they are things that I feel embarrassed about. I share those things on here because that's what this is for. I hate to keep things bottled up. It helps for me to let it out in some way and this is the only way. My therapist does not even know some of the things that I write here. She does know a lot though, I do want to work through some of my issues. She was not happy that I tried to keep her out, but why does she not respect the fact that there are parts of me that I don't want exposed yet. I just want her to give me some time. At first she said that she understood, but I don't think that she does. I want to fix something then I can share them with her. So then things seemed ok. Then I wen to pick up my daughter and I forgot that I left her alone with the PC. I don't know if she looked at anything that I did not want her to see. I have to just trust her. Then she let me see hers but the connection was choppy and it was not much fun because I could not do much because we were on Skype. I was on Skype to but I was on my phone so it was easier for her to navigate. She goes on her fb and I wanted to get out as soon as I was in it. I told her that but she stayed on and scrolled down. She is telling me how she did not know that one or that one. Then she goes down to her ex girlfriend. I don't say anything. So she adds how she is not ugly. I did not say anything. She had a nice shape but I did not personally find her attractive. That was besides the point. The point was the fact that she was on her Facebook and she is telling me how her girlfriend looks good. She is her ex but she might as well have been her girlfriend the way that she was talking about her. She even lingered on her picture. I tried not to be jealous but I think that she still likes her. It does not matter what she said. I know that she stays friends with her exes but I don't and don't really see the reason to. I just stay silent. She probably still talks to her. I don't know if they live near each other or how close they are or were. I know that she did love her. Something like that does not just fade away that easily. Sometimes I think that I love my girlfriend, but I think that I need to protect my heart and that means that I am going to do what I accuse her of and put up that wall. For now I think that I will not allow myself to just fall blindly in love with her. I don't have the right to tell her to stop talking to people just because she has feelings for them or vice versa. I don't like trying to control people, because I don't like being controlled. I am in such a weird position. I don't want to not be with her because I care for her, but what parts of the issues I have are in my head or real. Long distance relationships are very hard, especially when I have to deal with these stupid insecurities. I think that I said something that upset her because when we said bye it was not like all kisssy kiss. It was just bye. I think that she blames me for her not completing her assignments. I have to do mine anyway. Maybe I will just tell her that I have to study and limit our conversations to no more than 15 minutes a day. I just don't know what to do. At least this way she can't say that I am the reason that she does not do well this semester. I am not going to be responsible for that one. Me and her have both messed up. She thinks that she has to talk to me for me to not catch a hissy fit and I just really enjoy talking to her and looking at her. She is very appealing to the eyes. Especially to femmes. She is tall and strong and has a nice body. She wants to be all fit which is cool, but it's nice to have something soft to cuddle up to. I do understand that being healthy is important so I don't care either way. I want to get in shape too. I also don't want to lose her and the reason be because it seems that I brushed her off. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought things were going good then she just got an attitude near the end of the conversation,saying that her day was wasted. I guess talking to me is a waste. I'm going to try not to internalize everything. Today I asked her to Skype because I was mad that my doctor canceled my appointment and did not call me but had me get up early and go there for them to change it. I chose another doctor. I made appointments for every doctor. I will be getting a full work up and I will attempt to get healthy. Why are relationships this hard. Why can't I just be happy in love.  I probably should not have asked her to Skype, it was a moment of weakness. Next time I feel like I need a friend I will just come on here and write. No one gets me. I feel so alone. I guess things are just getting harder and people are just trying to survive and they don't want other people's drama. I get it. I use to be able to go out and have a good time. Or read a good book. Or talk to my girlfriend. I should just put all this energy in school and getting healthy. I love my girl but her moods are tiring. I can't make her happy no matter what I try to do so whatever. I have my own crap that I need to sort out. I am still insecure about us but I can no longer continue feel like this. I really do try but there is but so much I can do being so far away. If things work out they do if they don't because she still wants her ex then so be it. I'm starting to not care either way. I'm not even stopping her. If she thinks that ugly troll is so sexy then she can do whatever she wants with her. I don't need to be worried about any of this. I had a plan before I met her and I just need to keep following my dream of having a respectable career and spending lots of money. Insecure for what!!!!

Nursing Lab 4

There was a mock exam today. Some of the answers we were not suppose to be able to answer. So on this day I knew that there would be a mock exam. I somehow got stuck on finding that second parking lot. I would have been on time but I was hell bent on finding it. I passed it because it is on a one way street then I found it. Making me like 14 minutes late. It was a bit weird because when I walked in people had their student ids on their desk and scantrons. I knew I messed up. Especially since I did not have to park there. So I sit down, the girl next to me says she said to sit over there. I get up and move and so I moved to the left in the last row. I get the paper and I do the test. I thought that I knew some of the answers but it was not going to be graded so I really did not put much effort into it. I did pay attention to the questions though. I'm a little good at remembering questions from exam. I don't know why it's not like I run home and try to find out if I was right. I have little quirks. Then we go over some of the questions. One of them they changed the answer which I thought was such bs. They asked what is subjective. That is all that they asked no other comment about it. I put down pain and did not pay attention to the one that was itching next. Itching is subjective, but I did not pay full attention. The other choice was snoring and some other stuff that you could visually see. Then after so many people were confused about how itching was subjective she literally changes the entire answer. I was not happy about that. People in the class kept saying that you can see them scratch. That was not the question. It clearly stated itching. Then we go over the math. I was only wrong on one. I was at a loss when it came to that one. The doctor ordered an amount and I only had like 70/15.  I had no idea. The professor does the problem and the answer that she got was wrong. One girl was adamant that the answer was wrong. The professor kept her cool. There were two of them in there. The other one just sat there and did not say anything. One of the students goes to the board and solves the problem. I am thinking in my head, shouldn't there be an answer sheet for these problems? That did not instill much confidence in me and she is a Nurse Practitioner. Then she tells us that we have to read and we practice physical assessment. We practiced the one alert orientated times 3. We introduced ourselves to our partner and asked Do you know the date, time and where you are. Then we switched roles. Then class was over.

Insecurities 2

Today was a bit better. I told my girlfriend about the fact that people read my blog. I knew that when I told her that she would say that she wanted to be able to read my blogs. She thinks that I tell her everything and I tell her most things. She does not really want to listen to me talk so much, so why would she want to read my blog. She does not really care that much about my school. She has her own to deal with. I sometimes want to ask her about what her classes are like, but she does not want to share the experiences with me. She tell me some blanket statement and is done. She makes it seem like it is not interesting but I would like to know about how it makes her feel. I want to know what she does in class and what it is like. I can not understand what she does because I am not into technology that much. It is over my head. I know how to use a computer enough but not java and stuff. I can't give her this. This is where I can pour my heart out with no consequences. No one knows me personally here. I feel a weight lifted sometimes, when I write. It is that stupid time of the month again and I hate what it does to my emotions. I am sitting here typing and crying because I want her here with me so bad.  I'm listening to Jessie J and all I can think about is her. I think maybe I have to many pics of her. I actually made a collage of pics that she sent me and it is on the wall on my desk. I think of her of course. I have heard from her this morning. It is not enough. But I am going to just study. She is busy she has to go to work then to school. I have to give her a break. It is hard but not that bad. I think that she spoiled me in the summer and I'm hooked. Slowly I have to wean off of her. When I think of her I just feel something so intense, it is like butterflies then goes other places. We Skype and sometimes she just makes me laugh. One of the funniest things that she did was dance for me. She so did not dance like what I would thought. It is weird to think of her and just smile. Sometimes she looks at me a certain way then laughs and I laugh too. She can be so playful and silly. I like that about her. I love her so much. I don't know what the future holds and I am trying to be more optimistic this time. One funny thing about her to is that fact that the way that she takes pics makes her look like a different person. She has this maturity and child like  personality. It makes her so interesting. Sometimes I have no idea who I will deal with that day. I know that things are hard for her sometimes and she can just throw all her worries away and enjoy the day. I thought of proposing to her but then I did not know what kind of ring she would like. I think that we should wait before we think about marriage. She is young and I don't want to feel like I'm taking something from her. I have no idea what it means to be somebody's wife and neither does she. I still don't think that I could make her happy. In the beginning I could probably buy her gifts, but after she is done with school, she can do those things too. I want to know how to keep her love alive. I don't know how not to mess things up. I just wish I knew what it was that tore people apart. I want to do everything I can to stay with her, but I don't want her to be with me if she does not want to.  People change as they mature. The person that you are in your 20s is usually very different than the person in your 30s. We are not that far in age, but I have more life experiences because I'm a mom. The moment I became a mother, everything changes. It was as if something hidden in my heart revealed itself and blossomed. I love my daughter so much. I never knew love like that. It was so intense. I would be here all day writing about my experience as a mother. If I have a bad dream about her. I hold her tight. My body helped give her physical life but her life gave me purpose, but it also took something from me and gave it to her tying her to me in a way that is indescribable. I hate to even say this but I think that the reason that the Sandy Hook disaster was felt by every living soul was because of that connection that we parents have with our children. People sent toys but we all knew that there was nothing to fill the void that that monster put in people's lives. I don't want to talk about that. That was a true boogy man come to life. Ok that is all for today. I will have to write the blog for my lab. I don't want to keep feeling this feeling for my woman. We have not been together that long but we have experienced a lot together. I have no idea what she would think if she read these. I promised her that I would not lie to her so I will just tell her that this is just something for me. It is in a way my therapy. There are going to be some parts of my life that I can't let her visit. I am sure the same thing goes for her. It's just that I let her get away with keeping me at a distance. I don't push her and when I do, I don't feel good about it because, I know that it does not make her feel good. I don't know how I know but I do. She wants me to give her me 100 percent while she gives me 50 and then tells me that she tells me everything, which is untrue and she knows it. We are in different countries but I don't think that she realizes that we are not that different. Sometimes I think that she thinks that I have things easier. It's not that I keep things from her, you can't give someone all of you right off the bat. I have to have some mystery. OK going to study now.

Nursing Lecture 4

This chapter that was due to be read was 59 pages. I read 25 of them. I plan to finish the rest today. The lecture is the same thing. They go over the topics of the required chapter and answered any questions people may have. Even if certain people ask dumb questions in my opinion, just so the professor can know who they are. Some questions are good, but these 4 women ask stupid question all the time, even in lab. One lady that sat next to me kept looking at my notes and just kept staring. It made me uncomfortable. Then this woman next to me showed me something and she says what's that. I'm like, in my head, personal space ( curse word). I hated sitting next to her, I was 5 minutes late so I had no choice it was the door closest to the door. I had to keep peeing because I have been running on coffee, for the past few days. I'll try to get to bed no later than 12 am so that I can be semi well rested. As she is going through the chapters, I write the necessary notes. Then she gets to the part on certain anatomy parts and she says that we don't need it. I'm like hold on wait a minute. I raise my hand when she is done. I ask in the future how will I know that I should not read certain parts of the chapter. She says that it is in the syllabus. I printed the syllabus but I mostly stuck to the calendar. Some people say yes it is in the syllabus. Those full of lies idiots. I look in the syllabus, there is no subject topic list, only for some chapters, there was definitely not one for this long chapter. I like the woman next to me she is cool. I was going to ask her for her number but my phone is off so I did not ask her. I have internet and could Skype with her so that we can study. I don't know. We have lab tomorrow. I will see how things go. The welfare phone that I have does not have very good reception. She is also a grant student. We both really want to find a job. We went over that subject pretty quickly and we were able to cover everything in one class. I was a bit skeptical when I saw so many pages. It was physical assessment from head to toe. I had to study but I also had to go to a back to school night for my daughter. It was long and I did not want to be idle. Luckily I took pictures of some notes that they had in lab last week and I reviewed it while they gave these speeches about how they were able to continue providing excellent education to our children with so many budget cuts. I only saw one black employee there tonight. That one black woman was my daughter's teacher. I have come to accept that perhaps black people do not want to be teacher (not). I had teachers of many races but I remember there being more black teachers. I don't know. Many of the employees had strong accents and the speeches were given in English and Spanish. So it was drawn out. I just would have liked to see a high quality diverse staff. The school is performing really well so I should just get over it I suppose. 

Nursing Lab 3

I hate that I waited to write this one. So now I have to go off of memory that is a week old. Unfortunately for me I remember too much of it, because it was not a good lab day. I went into lab thinking that I was prepared. I go in and then we are getting ready to split up. One group will go to the lab and another group will do a math quiz. The quiz is just practice only the exams count for anything. I was on my way until my grant worker calls me in to ask me if I have received my books. I talk to her for about 5 minutes. Then I go to the lab. The woman who works there is an overweight blonde lady with a serious attitude problem. She looks at me and ask me if I am late. I tell her no, that I talked to my grant worker. She did not seem happy about that. She told me to go back to the class. The weird thing about it, was that the professor for the lab almost seemed intimidated by her. She is intimidating I will not lie about that. She is not scary because I have dealt with her type before. It was just a surprise because the other people that I have interacted with through out the process have all been quite nice with a deep passion for the nursing field. So I go back downstairs to do the math quiz. I realize after seeing the quiz that I have a lot of work to do, in terms of the math. I should have bought my math book, and regular book. I also forgot to bring my watch. After the quiz I go upstairs to work in the lab. She says too many people. Due to the tone of her voice a few of us were on our way out. She says no stay. She talks to us like she is superior to us. Oh well it is not a big deal. So we have to partner up with someone. It was just not my day. I get partnered up with this woman that will not stop talking. She talks about her kid and what is wrong with her medically. She takes up time just hearing her voice heard. I think that it is some personality disorder. I had to take her blood pressure and I could not figure out which way to turn the dial thing. I should have turned in clock wise but I kept turning it counter clockwise. Then I could not hear the first systolic sound. She kept asking asinine questions. It was so annoying. I will never partner up with that irritating person again. The professor comes to me and notices that I keep messing up. The air kept on being released. I was not embarrassed because it was my first time taking a blood pressure. Some people do it at work. My job only had the electric one. The rule is to learn the manual one first. It is an art. I have to make sure to not turn the dial too fast and pay close attention to the dial. I then did the apical ( heart beat) that was easier and I was done by one. It is easier to take your hand and move it up and down to help with the count when there is noise around, I was off by 1. I will do better next time. I am not able to sign up for the lab because the woman in charge the blonde lady. She was busy and we were unable to use the lab for over 3 weeks. Ok so after that we went back downstairs and we went over the quiz. It was not so bad. I have an idea of what I have to study and then we practiced more of the blood pressure. I sometimes forget where the radial pulse is. Luckily for me my partner in the lecture class was familiar with radial pulse and blood pressures. She told me that where my thumb is is my radial pulse. She also helped me with the dial for the blood pressure cuff.  It was helpful to continue practicing in the lab class. Then we went home.

Serious Incecurities

I know that I still owe my last weeks lab blog. I will do that tomorrow. Today will be about my insecurities. I am in a relationship with a woman that I feel strongly for. I am not in love yet but I feel very strongly for her. Well in the begriming I felt like she really liked me and everything was ok. Recently we have been having some problems. I don't want to lose her but I just don't know what to say or do anymore. She confuses me to no end. I try to make her happy by doing what she wants. I don't mind, I like pleasing my partner, I am perfectly okay with being submissive to her. Well she then tells me to stop trying to please her. I guess that it will make it boring. I just don't know what to do. We have the same arguments or discussions over again, because I know that she is not being honest with me. I don't think that she wants to talk to me as often as we speak. I know that I can be needy. I offered to not call her so much, I talk more than the average person. People who know me say that no one talks as much as me. I am trying so hard to keep her. I think that she feels strongly for me to. She said that she loved me, but I think that both of us thought that it was love because the feelings were so raw in the begriming. I don't think that she is attracted to me. I don't know if it's all in my head or not. She does tell me things like good morning beautiful but, I don't think that she means it. It is a long distance relationship so it is harder to tell. She does not look at me like she did in the begriming. She says that I am trying to find reasons to break up. Truth is I want her so bad. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her. But so many things are going on. I am not studying how I should because I am so obsessed with her. She has all these girls on her friends list and they are not as big as I am. All the women on her page or thick or skinny. I'm overweight. I did like some females pictures on fb, but it is not because I found them attractive like I wanted to date them. I just liked the pic. However, when she likes someone's pic, I think that she finds them attractive. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't even think that anyone can help me. I don't know how to feel like I'm enough. I don't even want to be enough. I want her to think that I am the most beautiful woman that she knows. I think that she is the most beautiful woman that I know. I think of her all the time. I think that she is so attractive. I think that she can get a woman that is more of what she likes. Then I think that if she did not want me why would she be with me. I can not answer that. I know that it's all in my head so I pretend to be fine. But she is on fb liking other females pics before she even calls me. I thought that it would be good for us to take a break, but I don't know what she was thinking, because she keeps her feelings from me sometimes. I guess to be the tough one. I am so confused and I know that she is sick of talking about it so I don't know who to turn to. I do see a counselor, but I don't think that she can help me. I just feel like crying lately. Every time she likes another woman's pic I feel hurt. I know that my feelings are irrational so I try to hide it as best as I can. I don't want to seem like a crazy jealous woman that does not trust her. She is right though. Sometimes I want to end things with her because I don't think that I am who she wants or could be happy with. How long can I hide my insecurities. I use to not care so much and now that I do it is too much. The last person I was with I did the same thing. I tried so hard for her to notice me. I never felt like I was good enough. People around me kept saying yuck, you are feeling some type of way for her. I now look at her pics and ask myself what was I thinking. I am the one that ended the fake relationship. I realize that what they were saying was so true. My woman now is not unattractive at all. She is strong and tall in just a little soft, which I like. I plan on going on a diet and exercising more to get more toned. I am losing a little weight but that will not help. I have no job, I'm on welfare, and I want to do all these things for her. She has not asked for anything, I just like to spoil the person that I am with. I want to give her everything that I can. I even want to carry her baby one day. Ok I do love her. I remember when she told me that I was beautiful and I tried to get her to tell me like 3 times. Finally she said. I just told you that you were beautiful. That made me feel a little bad too. I am going to lose her if I don't find some way to deal with this. I never felt like this when I dated men. I felt that they truly loved me when they said it. With females I feel so inadequate. I guess because I keep seeing all these other women that are so much hotter than me. They have jobs and some don't have kids so they have more freedom. I do have a child so I do not have as much freedom. She has taken with my daughter well, but I think that it is a lot to ask of her. She is young and does not seem like she is ready to be a mom in any way. It is not really anything that she has done, but she lives at home with her family. She is the baby in a way. I also want to have more children with her. Maybe one or two and I don't know if she wants that. Right now she says no, but I am hoping that she changes her mind. I want so badly to one day carry her baby. I even looked into it. She says that it is boring if I do what she asks, then gets annoyed when I don't do what she ask. Why can't things just be boring and perfect. She wants me to be shaved down there. But when I shave I get bumps and that is not a good look. So I shaved and now had to deal with bumps. They went away but she will think that it is an STD. I have to go to a doc before she comes to get all the test run. Scary. I know that I should have anyway. I should never have slept with the person that I was with before, but I have cloudy judgment when I am into someone. I have a pimple down there and I hope that it's nothing. If it is something I will tell her and deal with the consequences later. Is it weird that I don't care either way. I love her unconditionally. I would be with her regardless of any diseases, but I don't think that she feels the same way. That is understandable. We have not been together long enough for that. Sometimes I want to go back to not caring what someone thinks of me and not feeling like this. I thought that I wanted to find love but for some reason me being gay has stronger emotions. I don't understand why, I feel more and I don't like it. It is harder. I had a plan and I kinda want to go back to that. I don't know what she wants from me anymore. I don't think that I can maker her happy and I want to make her happy. Just like when I see toys that my daughter wanted seriously discounted and I bought them for her. I could have hid them until Christmas but I wanted to make her happy then and now. She was thrilled. I live to make people that I love happy, it makes me feel good. So imagine how I feel when I can't make someone that I love happy. I am going to keep going to counseling to sort this out. I hope that she can help me. I love her so much and it would be so (curse word) if I could not be with her. I have not been in a serious relationship in so long, maybe I forgot what to do. I am so lost right now. I want her to make me feel ways about myself that I should already feel. She should not have to spend her time validating my inner and outer beauty. I should not be jealous over her doing the same thing that I am doing. I almost want to delete my fb account or delete her as a friend and have her block me to avoid me acting so darn irrational. If I did ask her to I would look like a nut so I keep it in. I'm determined not to lose her. I will keep my mouth shut and keep it to myself. Hopefully writing will help me not feel so filled with insecurities.

Nursing school Lec 3

Today was interesting. Some people went by the syllabus and studied the wrong thing. I have to continue studying and catch up on the math. I will be able to do that this week if I stay focused. Me and my girlfriend do not talk as often so that we can focus on our studies, so I should be able to do it. I sat at the end today and had to pee so many times. I am going to cut out all sugary drinks and stick to coffee and water. I hope that helps. I also plan to find a way to work out. I have to do these things. So I have to write notes for 3 chapters this week and read 3. I have to read 2 to catch up and 3 to be prepared for Monday. I hate playing catch up but my schedule is not too hectic so it is possible. My girlfriend has to go to school soon, so I will send her a message take a nap then get the kids and make something very simple so that I can study what I have to. I am hoping to do 2 chapters in the math. I am currently on chapter 5. I have to be done with 9 chapters in 2 weeks. I plan on doing no less than 2. If I have a chance I will do 3. I will write the notes for the 43 pages and read a chapter in the book. I started the Education one so I will attempt to do that today. I should have done that yesterday. I will also attempt to write the notes for it and use all the other resources that  are at my disposal to practice this new found knowledge. I say attempt because what I do not finish today I will definitely do tomorrow. Then I should finish the required math by Thursday and be caught up with notes written and practice online material by Sunday. I will go to church on Sunday cook and then study until I can not longer mentally function. I'm not too behind, so it should not be that hard. I wanted to start a study group but I don't know. Maybe a few days before the test I will ask these two girls that live near by the school. I'll see. Even if we just give a few hours a week. One of the girls her cousin or sister completed the program. I personally do not know anyone that has completed the program. I know people who have completed LPN programs but not this one and most of them went to those for profit, fly by night schools. I am not interested in that. Ok I will write about my lab experience tomorrow and I will let you know home much I have completed.

Nursing school lab 2

Today I was late. Something that I have been dreading. I was not feeling well and had to use the bathroom which took about 15 min, TMI I know. It was raining pretty hard so I could not drive my usual speed. Once the car went up in the rain, I slowed down. Then I made a wrong turn and was late to class. She understood that the weather was bad  and I got a pass. As soon as I sat down they started on the vital signs. We went over what they meant. I think that she was impressed that we were on point with it. We were not going back in the book or anything. Some of the women in the class take vital signs at work. I only took temperature at my job so  blood pressure, respiratory, and pulse ox was all new for me. So we partner up and start the blood pressure practice. The girl that I partnered up with had done vitals before. She showed me the proper position of putting on the cuff. I thought that because I am overweight that the cuff would not fit, but it did. It was so cool I really heard when it started again and when the beat stopped. I did it. Reading it is still troublesome. I blinked and missed the number because I released the air too fast. I will practice some more. Today I did not crack the book open because I was constantly checking to see if anyone donated to helping me bring my fiance here for 2 weeks. We spoke today but briefly. She has been busy and so have I. I just want to see her so bad. I read the email wrong and thought that I had to go to a job fair today. I was dressed for a job fair. It is next month. I did not go in to work today. I will not have an excuse. I don't know what I will tell him. I will check to see if I have any personal days left. We can't go to the skills lab until next week. They will give us the info for the skills lab next week. They say that most people only go for one hour. Since I don't have work on Monday I think that I will stay for 2 hours. I will need to take 2 personal days next month. One for the Friday before the exam and one to clean my house and study. I am almost amazed at myself for how I am able to retain this information. There is a lot of repetition I guess. I want to start a study group with these 3 or 4 girls. Two of them made jokes about these two girls that ask the most insane questions. You know it is bad when the professors stop and look at each other. I know that I should not have but I did text my girl once while I was in class and twice when I had to pee. I was not distracted but I miss her. I did knew that when school started that I would not have as much free time but I had not idea that we would get so little time to stay in touch. Sometimes I think that I am losing her, but she tells me that she loves me and that everything is ok. I believe her, I just miss our daily conversations. She is so amazing. When I finish school I am going to spoil her rotten. Tomorrow I have errands to run. Laundry, ironing, mailing, and cleaning the bathroom, some dishes. Sometimes the house work takes a back seat. I have my daughter help out when it gets real messy, but I don't let her clean the bathroom or do the dishes or stove. I don't think that she is ready to handle that responsibility. Maybe when she is 12. I took some laxatives because it seems as if these few pounds that I gained would not go away. I bought the Walmart brand. It sure removed some waste. I got on the scale and it read 212. I was 215 just a few days ago. I have been going back and forth with 213-209. I can't seem to get past these numbers. Today I ate more protein and some carbs, but the juice did not help. Tomorrow I plan to have no more than one cup of juice and mostly water and low carbs. I walked a little. I hope that the weather is nicer tomorrow, then I can walk even more. I plan to go up all the steps and down a few times to have a little exercise. I really want to get under 200 that is the short term goal. Ok this will be it until next week. I plan to study this entire week and read the next subject, so that I am prepared for Monday.

Nursing school lab 2

Today I was late. Something that I have been dreading. I was not feeling well and had to use the bathroom which took about 15 min, TMI I know. It was raining pretty hard so I could not drive my usual speed. Once the car went up in the rain, I slowed down. Then I made a wrong turn and was late to class. She understood that the weather was bad  and I got a pass. As soon as I sat down they started on the vital signs. We went over what they meant. I think that she was impressed that we were on point with it. We were not going back in the book or anything. Some of the women in the class take vital signs at work. I only took temperature at my job so  blood pressure, respiratory, and pulse ox was all new for me. So we partner up and start the blood pressure practice. The girl that I partnered up with had done vitals before. She showed me the proper position of putting on the cuff. I thought that because I am overweight that the cuff would not fit, but it did. It was so cool I really heard when it started again and when the beat stopped. I did it. Reading it is still troublesome. I blinked and missed the number because I released the air too fast. I will practice some more. Today I did not crack the book open because I was constantly checking to see if anyone donated to helping me bring my fiance here for 2 weeks. We spoke today but briefly. She has been busy and so have I. I just want to see her so bad. I read the email wrong and thought that I had to go to a job fair today. I was dressed for a job fair. It is next month. I did not go in to work today. I will not have an excuse. I don't know what I will tell him. I will check to see if I have any personal days left. We can't go to the skills lab until next week. They will give us the info for the skills lab next week. They say that most people only go for one hour. Since I don't have work on Monday I think that I will stay for 2 hours. I will need to take 2 personal days next month. One for the Friday before the exam and one to clean my house and study. I am almost amazed at myself for how I am able to retain this information. There is a lot of repetition I guess. I want to start a study group with these 3 or 4 girls. Two of them made jokes about these two girls that ask the most insane questions. You know it is bad when the professors stop and look at each other. I know that I should not have but I did text my girl once while I was in class and twice when I had to pee. I was not distracted but I miss her. I did knew that when school started that I would not have as much free time but I had not idea that we would get so little time to stay in touch. Sometimes I think that I am losing her, but she tells me that she loves me and that everything is ok. I believe her, I just miss our daily conversations. She is so amazing. When I finish school I am going to spoil her rotten. Tomorrow I have errands to run. Laundry, ironing, mailing, and cleaning the bathroom, some dishes. Sometimes the house work takes a back seat. I have my daughter help out when it gets real messy, but I don't let her clean the bathroom or do the dishes or stove. I don't think that she is ready to handle that responsibility. Maybe when she is 12. I took some laxatives because it seems as if these few pounds that I gained would not go away. I bought the Walmart brand. It sure removed some waste. I got on the scale and it read 212. I was 215 just a few days ago. I have been going back and forth with 213-209. I can't seem to get past these numbers. Today I ate more protein and some carbs, but the juice did not help. Tomorrow I plan to have no more than one cup of juice and mostly water and low carbs. I walked a little. I hope that the weather is nicer tomorrow, then I can walk even more. I plan to go up all the steps and down a few times to have a little exercise. I really want to get under 200 that is the short term goal. Ok this will be it until next week. I plan to study this entire week and read the next subject, so that I am prepared for Monday.

Lesbian couple getting ready to meet

I am trying to raise money for my girlfriend to be able to visit. She is from another country and we only have 2 weeks in January, while I am on break from school to be able to see each other, after that we will have to wait another year due to our hectic school schedule. I went on gift forward to ask for donations. If you are able to click on the link and donate anything if you can. Any donation no matter how small is welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this.This is the link, just type it into your url and the page will pop up.

Nursing school

Today was another difficult day for me. I planned to sleep early Sunday night so that I could be well rested for Monday morning. Then my friend calls me close to 12 am to tell me that he is engaged. I think that he mainly called me in an attempt to stay awake, but what are friends for. I stayed up on the phone with him a little past am. Not in my plans. I am early as usual to school and as I am sitting down I notice that people have notes. That is when I realize that I took my folder out of my backpack and it's at home. Luckily I am always early and I ran downstairs to print out the power point notes. Which I must admit I do not find to be that helpful. I just wanted to make sure I had it because she asked us to have it for next class. The Prof. walks in but it is a different Prof. She acts as if it is completely normal to have a diff Prof., so I go with the flow. She was very nice. I just love that they seem to have a passion for nursing like the one I seem to have. It is weird at first I wanted to be a nurse because I knew that it was in demand and paid well. I was a CNA for so long, that it comes as second nature to want to work with the elderly for me. I am not that interested in working in the hospitals because of the 12 hour shift. I know it is a 3 day work week, but I do not see why someone should work that long. I can understand if it was one day but 3 is too much for me. I want to spend time with my family. I do not want to be MIA for 3 days and asleep 1 which leaves me with 4 days. I am not that close with my family but I cherish my daughter and when my future wife comes, I want to be with them. Money is not everything to me. She will be working to after she comes so that will be a help. I can not wait to have a family. I may even have a baby. I don't know yet. Ok back to school. We are going over vital signs. For me this is a tough subject because this is something that I think I need to do hands on, which I will be doing tomorrow. She went over stuff in the book and I wrote some notes, but most of the stuff that she said were in the book. Some of the stories that she said were interesting and very helpful. I'll tell you one of them. She said that her niece was practicing vitals and asked if she could take everyone's vitals. So they agreed. When she did her husbands' his BP was 200 over something. She thought that something was wrong but they re did it and it was the same thing so they made an appointment with the doctor. He had the one that was genetic. I forgot what the name of it was, because he was not a smoker, ate healthy, was not overweight. He had to go on meds. The morale of the story was take vitals, they are important. He was seen by the dermatologist earlier and they did not do vital signs. They did not have to but it would have helped. Since hypertension can be a silent killer. I was able to stay awake because I thoroughly enjoy this. I have to take a test for Hep C soon. Lets hope that I'm ok, I am a bit nervous. I also have to pay for the CPR class. I'm going to call on Wednesday to get the info. I am not sure if it is a one day class or longer. I want to dance so bad, but no partying and it is too late to dance. I'm also going to look for a nurse practitioner to schedule my blood work. I have a lot of things to do to prepare for next semester. So far things are going at a good pace. I am glad that I did all my pre- reqs. I took a shower this morning so I smelled good. After 2 hours I noticed that there was a smell. It smells like nasty personal area. I was already sitting there for two hours before I noticed the scent so I could not move. It was the girl that was sitting next to me. I wanted to hurl towards the end of class. I am sitting at the desk near the door. I plan to get to class super early just to get the seat. I hate having to get by everyone when I need to use the bathroom. I think that it will be better. One girl came in 2 hours late. I don't know what happened. I heard her saying on the phone that she was in a car accident. I hope that they know that they can not keep coming to class late. There were not that many late people today maybe 4. I know that there are time that you are going to be late but I make an effort not to be. I am someone who i always late. I am working on it. I have my therapy session tomorrow. It's nice to talk to her. I thought that my girl was mad at me and usually I let stuff like that get to me but I am so determined to get this degree that nothing phases me. I love my girlfriend very much but I have been working towards this for many years on and off. it is time for me to finish.

Practical Nursing Student experience

I am now in the nursing program at my local community college for Practical Nursing. I have asked many people that have gone through the process for some insight and they give me no feedback. I am not sure why they are not willing to impart some of their knowledge with me. I am going to give you my experience. It will be from a prospective of a single mother that is currently on welfare. How I ended up on welfare is explained in my other blogs if you want to know about that. I know that some people think that people on welfare do not work. I will tell you the truth of my journey. I may leave out some things because of the fact that it should be kept to myself. Ok I am going to school on Mondays and Tuesdays. My class is 5 credits. Since my class is 5 credits and I am in the program the welfare office gives me 10 hours of of my required 35 hour work week. I work at a senior housing building doing housekeeping. They will not hire me because they enjoy the free labor. We work like crazy. Working with men is so much easier than working with women. I work with one woman now, I use to work with another one but she caused so much drama that they had to get rid of her. The other girl that I work with is ok. She tries to leave early every day with one excuse or another. I don't care, because when she cleans with me she rushes and because we are working together it reflects on me. I don't want to say anything to the boss about her because she has been there for a year and they have a relationship ( strictly platonic ). It is not a real job so I will not cause any problems. I will keep my mouth shut unless necessary. The lady who is in charge of us welfare "volunteers" almost tried to get rid of me because of my reduced hours, but because I am a good worker the man that is my boss said I am not going anywhere. First day of class was hard because I stayed up all night trying to catch up on the math work, which I did not have to because she gave us an extra two weeks because not everyone had the book. Some people come from NY to my school for this program, because of that there were a lot of late people. At first they were late no more than 15 min. One girl had her make- up done. I would have ditched the makeup-up to be on time. So the Prof. begins by telling us of the rules and the fact that if your cell phone goes off during an exam instant 0. It will not be tolerated. She gives us some info about what to expect and we should have read the chapter on communication which I did not do because I still was getting used to using the program that tells us our schedule. Which was not up until a week before class. She explained how she believes the quizzing that they implemented are helping more people pass the class. The quizzes are not worth anything towards your grade. We will have 4 exams. The first 3 exams are worth 20% of your grade and the final which is cumulative is worth 60% of your final grade. Recordings are not allowed in the class. I bought my recorder just in case, but I knew that I would have to ask for permission before I used it, another woman asked. The quizzes are not worth anything but they should be done before the deadline and there are unlimited attempts. There were some people who had side conversations near me. There was also a woman that insisted on asking me questions. The Prof asked if anyone had any questions and she remained silent. I am a student just like her and I do not want to be responsible for giving out any wrong information. I told her that I did not know for many of the stuff and told her to go into the program to find many of her questions answers. I tried to get a parking decal during our 40 minute break but several others were attempting to get help from the 1 person working in that dept. So I just chilled until class started again. I got to talk to my girlfriend, who lives in another country. When the day was done I went home. I still did not study the chapter. I forgot what I did. I think I was fooling around online and cooking and stuff. By the way the lecture is 4 hours long. My Prof seems nice and I can see the love that she has for nursing. As we were leaving people waited to ask the Prof. questions that they did not want to ask out loud due to the personal nature. One woman is standing there waiting and other people just jump in front of her. She gets so irritated that when the third person does it she gets mad and loudly voiced her opinion. The Prof. says hold on hold on. She then tells us of patience. I knew that that was coming. She says that she has a train to catch ect. The girl that jumped in front of her pretended that she did not notice her standing there. She did she was just being impolite. I waited as people jumped in front of me. The Prof. noticed that. You have to be able to keep a level head. Day 2 is lab. Lab is 3 hours long and we get a 30 minute break. I bought my lunch on this day because I will not be spending money that I barely have. I also braided my own hair to avoid having to do my hair in the mornings. I also braided my daughter's hair to avoid having to do her hair as well. It took 2 in a half days for my daughter's hair and one day in a half for mine. I did mine bigger. I don't want to have to worry about hair. So I go into lab and I did not bring my text book because my Prof. from lecture told me that I would only need the study guide, wrong. I don't like working in groups, especially if I'm not feeling the group. There are two girls that seem cool though but one is iffy. I may partner up with on or both of them if they don't live in the city. She give us the rules and then we start with the communication exercises. The lab was really good at reinforcing the communication chapter. I realized that I needed to keep up. I pretended that I was ok when we had another group exercise. I knew that I would get the answers so why bother. We got the answers and all was good. We had a part where one girl asked what do you tell a patient when they say when am I going to die. It was so funny because the Prof. in the beginning said that there were no dumb questions but when she asked that the Prof. had a look on her face like are you serious right now. The girl explained that she worked in hospice and the patients asked her that a lot. So the Prof asked the class what do you tell a patient that asks you that. Duh I don't know. She explained that you can only say only God knows if you know the patient and their religious views. Then I had to run to my work activity. I worked and left at 2:45 to pick up my daughter, I did not get the childcare set up yet. I took care of that the very next day. When I got home I read the chapter and made my own notes and took the online quiz at first I got a 90 and took it again and got 100. So now I am going to start to study vitals. We started at CH 10, we seem to be all over the place. I printed out the calendar so I would know all the subject that we would be covering and my first exam is the next week of October. I am so nervous because if you fail this class you have to wait a year to attempt to get into the program. We were also informed that we now have to take a Hep C test because one of the places where we would be doing our clinical asks for it. So lets hope I don't have Hep C. Because then my dream of being a nurse will be postponed. I don't think that it is fair to exclude people because of that because I have worked with so many Hep C patients. That was my experience this week. I have been on face book way too much and talked to my girlfriend when I should be studying. I am going to stay focused. I will be going to bingo tomorrow because I am so desperate for money. I will bring my books to study. I will get there early so that I don't miss out on any studying and when I get home I will probably study for a few hours before going to bed. I have no intention of being exhausted in class again. If anyone has any questions feel free to comment.

Feeling confused.

My extension got approved. I want to find a job in the hospital or office. I am a bit worried because of the Ebola thing. Me an J are completely over. I speak to her and sometimes talk to her because she meant something to me, even though I meant very little to her. She kept things from me and as much as I cared for her she made me feel like crap at times. We were so different, I did not feel comfortable with her. It was like walking on eggshells. So I joined some groups and I met a female from overseas. I don't want to believe that I'm being catfished. I went to her page and she had so many females on it. I had no idea what to think. I don't look like those women. I would have to lose like 50 pounds to come close to what it looks like she likes. She has seen pics of me and we talk all the time but I don't know how real it is. But then I hear her voice and all of my concerns dissipates. I have sent her money already and she did not even ask. I have lied to her and I don't know why. I guess because I was embarrassed about being unemployed. I had a plan and now I have to change it. I have not actually looked for work this week, but I plan to tomorrow. I feel like me and her could be together forever and then I feel like I should have my fun while I'm here. But I don't want to be that kind of person. I like her a lot but I think that I told her that I wanted a relationship because I did not want to lose her to someone else. That is a selfish reason to be in a relationship with someone. I want her to have her fun but I don't want her to fall in love with anyone. I know that it is hard to prevent. One minute I am single and afraid to approach women. Now that I left my mom's house and I'm on my own, I feel more confident and I want to have fun. That being said I am terrified of STDs. I see a lot of people walking around with herpes on their face and I know people with Herpes on their nether region. I also do not want to have to worry about STDs. I like the idea of being in a safe monogamous relationship. The thing is she is so far away. I want to go on dates with her and hold her. I was planning to save some money to visit her but I don't want to spend all that money. It would be better for her to come here and spend time with me. We could be so much freer here. I want to go on dates with her, hold her hand, cook for her, dance with her, sleep next to her, stroll in the park. I want to go shopping with her so that she can buy the clothes that she feels comfortable in. I want her to be able to enjoy the same liberties that I have. I want to make her my wife someday. Of course I want her to ask me and I don't care if she buys me an expensive ring or a cheap one. I just want us to be together. I am busy and so is she. I have to focus on school so yes, if she were here now it would be a distraction but the minute I finish school and pass my boards I want her here with me for good. I keep recalling the intimate times that I had with J and I feel guilty for it. But I have only been in this relationship for a week. I don't want to be with J, she was a substance abuser and she was mean. She is just the only woman that I have been with recently. I want to get her out of my system. I did not even love her, which is why I have no idea why she keeps entering my thoughts. I even took and HIV test because I did not trust her. She told me that she had no STDs and she had herpes. Then she did not even apologize for lying to me about. It was oral and I did not get it but still. I guess I was attracted to the whole bad girl thing. I don't want to mess this up but I don't want to be played for a fool. At least I will be putting effort into school.

1-20 of 87 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Insecurities 5, posted October 19th, 2014
Insecurities 4, posted October 13th, 2014
Nursing Lab 5, posted October 7th, 2014
Lecture Exam, posted October 6th, 2014
Relationship update, posted October 5th, 2014
Maybe I'm meant to stay single., posted October 5th, 2014
Maybe there is more going on with me?, posted October 4th, 2014
Insecurities 3, posted October 3rd, 2014
Nursing Lab 4, posted October 3rd, 2014
Insecurities 2, posted September 29th, 2014
Nursing Lecture 4, posted September 29th, 2014
Nursing Lab 3, posted September 29th, 2014
Serious Incecurities, posted September 28th, 2014
Nursing school Lec 3, posted September 22nd, 2014
Nursing school lab 2, posted September 16th, 2014
Nursing school lab 2, posted September 16th, 2014
Lesbian couple getting ready to meet, posted September 16th, 2014
Nursing school, posted September 15th, 2014
Practical Nursing Student experience, posted September 13th, 2014
Feeling confused., posted August 9th, 2014
LOW, posted July 21st, 2014
Life on welfare, posted July 16th, 2014
Shelter Life 14, posted July 3rd, 2014
Heart Hurting, posted June 25th, 2014
Tea with a straight woman, posted June 23rd, 2014
Out of Homeless Shelter, posted June 19th, 2014, 3 comments
Shelter Life 14, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 13, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 12, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 11, posted April 15th, 2014
Shelter Life 10, posted April 15th, 2014
SL9, posted April 15th, 2014
Shelter life 8, posted April 15th, 2014
sl7, posted March 2nd, 2014
SL6, posted February 6th, 2014
SL6, posted February 4th, 2014
SL6, posted January 28th, 2014
SL5, posted January 27th, 2014
SL4, posted January 27th, 2014
SL3, posted January 27th, 2014
SL 2, posted January 27th, 2014
Shelter Life, posted January 27th, 2014
Week 1 at shelter, posted January 16th, 2014
Living in a shelter, posted January 12th, 2014, 1 comment
I'm scared., posted January 7th, 2014
Unemployed, posted January 2nd, 2014
Today, posted January 2nd, 2014
New Year's Resolutions., posted January 2nd, 2014
New Year 2014, posted January 1st, 2014
Vacation Plans., posted December 27th, 2013
1-50 of 87 Blog Posts   

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