empresslya's Blog

Feeling confused.

My extension got approved. I want to find a job in the hospital or office. I am a bit worried because of the Ebola thing. Me an J are completely over. I speak to her and sometimes talk to her because she meant something to me, even though I meant very little to her. She kept things from me and as much as I cared for her she made me feel like crap at times. We were so different, I did not feel comfortable with her. It was like walking on eggshells. So I joined some groups and I met a female from overseas. I don't want to believe that I'm being catfished. I went to her page and she had so many females on it. I had no idea what to think. I don't look like those women. I would have to lose like 50 pounds to come close to what it looks like she likes. She has seen pics of me and we talk all the time but I don't know how real it is. But then I hear her voice and all of my concerns dissipates. I have sent her money already and she did not even ask. I have lied to her and I don't know why. I guess because I was embarrassed about being unemployed. I had a plan and now I have to change it. I have not actually looked for work this week, but I plan to tomorrow. I feel like me and her could be together forever and then I feel like I should have my fun while I'm here. But I don't want to be that kind of person. I like her a lot but I think that I told her that I wanted a relationship because I did not want to lose her to someone else. That is a selfish reason to be in a relationship with someone. I want her to have her fun but I don't want her to fall in love with anyone. I know that it is hard to prevent. One minute I am single and afraid to approach women. Now that I left my mom's house and I'm on my own, I feel more confident and I want to have fun. That being said I am terrified of STDs. I see a lot of people walking around with herpes on their face and I know people with Herpes on their nether region. I also do not want to have to worry about STDs. I like the idea of being in a safe monogamous relationship. The thing is she is so far away. I want to go on dates with her and hold her. I was planning to save some money to visit her but I don't want to spend all that money. It would be better for her to come here and spend time with me. We could be so much freer here. I want to go on dates with her, hold her hand, cook for her, dance with her, sleep next to her, stroll in the park. I want to go shopping with her so that she can buy the clothes that she feels comfortable in. I want her to be able to enjoy the same liberties that I have. I want to make her my wife someday. Of course I want her to ask me and I don't care if she buys me an expensive ring or a cheap one. I just want us to be together. I am busy and so is she. I have to focus on school so yes, if she were here now it would be a distraction but the minute I finish school and pass my boards I want her here with me for good. I keep recalling the intimate times that I had with J and I feel guilty for it. But I have only been in this relationship for a week. I don't want to be with J, she was a substance abuser and she was mean. She is just the only woman that I have been with recently. I want to get her out of my system. I did not even love her, which is why I have no idea why she keeps entering my thoughts. I even took and HIV test because I did not trust her. She told me that she had no STDs and she had herpes. Then she did not even apologize for lying to me about. It was oral and I did not get it but still. I guess I was attracted to the whole bad girl thing. I don't want to mess this up but I don't want to be played for a fool. At least I will be putting effort into school.


I still have no idea if my extension will be approved. I am very apprehensive as to what is next in my life. I am starting school in a few months and the welfare office decreased my hours by 10. Because they are social workers they do not understand what it is that I am doing. Yes it is only a few credits, but I will be in school for most of the day and the work is grueling. I like the job that I have. I don't get paid for it since they do not seem to hire any of the women. One or two men were hired from the workforce advantage. One woman has been there for over a year and they will not hire her. I would actually like to be hired by them because working there is not very comfortable because it is hot and they do have some asbestos in the building and bed bugs and mice. But the boss is a chill dude. My daughter's camp is not close so I can not afford to drive there anymore. I will have to get the bus pass option and ask them for before care because there is no  way that I can bring her to camp and make it to work on time. They call it volunteering. I guess slavery would not make for a good title. I did not volunteer it is mandated. I do have the option of leaving with no notice if I do not like the assignment. I really work to, I think that is why I get a bit frustrated. If I could not work there I would like to work at a hair salon but I do not think that the hair salons are interested in having welfare people there or they do not know about this  program where you get people to come in and work at no cost to you. Imaging companies not running to get this. Only one of the women I work with is lazy. The men work hard but one is homeless living on the streets and has some mental issues and he smells bad. However, his mental issues do not effect his work. They put on suits and remove all the furniture and get exposed to the bed bugs and have to patch up holes to keep the mice out and they are hot, we all are hot because the ac is not enough for the building and we are just hot. We are not allowed to show skin which is not easy because of the constant sweating. Sometimes when I am stuck with the steps dust from I have no idea settles on my entire body. I wish that I could wear a suit and goggles for protection but no one else ask so I don't either. It is 9 floors up and no air, unless a breeze comes by, which does not happen often. I do wear a mask because after two times of dust getting in my lungs I could not handle it anymore. The other girls do not use masks but I do. Me and my daughter are doing more family things. J is kinda back in my life but only through text. I am trying to put myself out there to maybe meet someone, but I keep going for people that are not lesbian. Oh well maybe when school is finished things will get better.

Life on welfare

I was given TRA which pays for my rent until I can get a job. However you are alloted 3 years for you lifetime and being in a shelter is included in that time. Yes they would rather have you in a homeless shelter and pay 2x the amount of rent. Why I have no idea how the system came up with this. So because I have been in the shelter 4 months 9 years ago and 5 months now. I have almost reached a year. After one year you have to reapply and if approved you will have to do it again every 6 months until your time is up. People who have a major illness and are showing signs of dying and people who already have had child protective services in their life get approved faster. I do not have any of those so I have to wait and see if I will get approved. Even though I am almost done with school. I have not gotten involved in certain things that would hurt my child, I actually have less chance of being approved and I have only been in the apartment for 3 months. I have been looking for work but there is nothing out there. Even when I was a CNA I could not afford the fair market value now. Where I was living before was infested with mice and spiders. the window was broken from the storm and I had to blacken the window with plastic to avoid being seen. In the winter it was ice cold and in the summer it was hot as hades's armpit. I also had no stove and no freezer nor was I allowed to get one. The lady downstairs from me loved to have parties and the landlord like to practive voodoo. It was not a nice place to be at. Now I have to wait and see how things go. I have decided to stop flirting with the girl that I was interested in. I figure why make her uncomfortable. I use to call her and try to stay in touch but I am not going to put in all the work. I spoke to J again. She was not nice and wanted to continue an intimate relationship. She is a substance abuser and I do not know what she has been doing for or because of drugs. As much as I miss her she is so unhealthy to be with. I have to go and get tested for diseases because I have no idea what her status was when we were together so I don't want to go and make my situation any worse. She told me that she did not and never wanted me so she can kick rocks.

SL 14

OK so this will be a bit different because I have not been at the shelter in a little over a month. While I was there Lin started to act weird. She stole my food and then cooked it in my face. They took my last bit of food her and this other girl named Mira. I knew it was them because they had no food in their fridge. Then she claims to have a job and that she was moving out because of the horrendous conditions ( which she was a part of). She claimed that her boyfriend was making 26 dollars and hour and that welfare was going to pay for their deposit. Which was a blatant lie because she had sold all of her foodstamps to take him out for his birthday. Then the following month she sold all of her foodstamps to spend a night at a hotel with him, with her daughter in the room. She was a hot mess. She was arguing with people and was Miss Arcy's pet. The woman was in love with her and let her get away with almost anything then would turn around and tell the staff that she had no idea why Lina thought that she could get away with the stuff that she did. So now Mira who was always yelling and beating her kids had pushed the staff too far. A woman got fed up when she cursed her out. I was already on my way out and I had known that they were going to get rid of Mira but I said nothing about it. I got pissed that those women stole my food so I went to the lady in charge and told them that they needed to monitor people's foodstamps. So that month they asked to see receipts from everyone. Many of them had spent less than 20 on groceries. Which is odd seeing as how one of them had 3 kids. They really spent their money on getting their hair done and nails and all that typical stuff. Ok so there  was one night when this woman named Mailin ( house alcoholic) got fed up with her young pot smoking bunkmate. She told her to stop talking loud on the phone and the young woman refused. She pulled her off of the bed and beat her with a belt and locked her out of the room when she was done. It was like 1 am. I just heard the young woman screaming for Mailin to let her in. Then the pregnant alcoholic got upset and started yelling at them to stop. Which was weird in my opinion because she does nothing all day. She ended up having her baby early and the baby in now suffering from a multitude of problems. I think that she is more interested in the SSI coming her way. She is one crappy mom. To think that dyfys comes in and has no idea what is going on. That young girl was so embarrassed because she use to talk so much crap. Mailin said she was gonna beat her the way her mother should have. Wow, was that a funny day. This woman comes in with her son. She seemed cooled. The first night that she was there she cooked some hot peppers and we were all hacking. She seemed cool. I thought that her personality was a bit rough or mannish. So with in that week, something unexpected happened. ( There are few secrets in that place) So her and this other woman named G got caught in bed together. Miss Lizbeth goes in to do her room check at night. She walks in and sees the covers moving. She leaves and checks the other room. She sees their sons in the room. She then goes back to the other room and sees them getting dressed in the bathroom. Miss Lizbeth is a little old lady ( not that old) but God fearing so for her to walk into that was a lot for her to take in. Then the aggressive one follows her through out the night to say what are you going to write down, nothing happened, I was just consoling her, etc. The next day they were told that they had 5 days to get out. The aggressive one decided to leave the following day. The other woman G who had just left a man that was beating the crap out of her had no where to go. It was messed up. I was so irate about that decision. If you are a drug addict, fight, drink all day, argue, and steal it is ok. But the minute you do some lesbian stuff you get kicked out. To this day Mailin is still there. She had upset all of her roomates because of her drunken antics. Mira and Lina came in with their vouchers and the staff told them that they did not want them there. Lina left Mira decided that she was not going ot the other homeless shelter because it was in a bad neighborhood. I told her to go because she had no choice. She went against my advice and got help somewhere but they put her in a shabby motel and that was only for a month. I guess she did not like the motel and chose to go to the shelter. I found it odd that she did not want to go there seeing as how she is ghetto beyond belief. I guess she was mad that she could not steal food anymore because they way that they were set up stealing food was going to be quite difficult. She had a room full of toys. I asked her for one and she was like sure, I never saw a thing. I also had some info for her that would help her get into an apartment sooner but she is selfish and I don't like her that  much.  Other thing are going on there I will write about it later because these thing are getting long.

Heart Hurting

So I found out that this woman that I have developed feelings for is hitting on people of both genders. I am trying to not be too hurt by it. But the feelings are there. I knew that I would end up heart broken the minute we starting this little fling. In the beginning I thought that she wanted to start a relationship but she quickly shut that down once I was hooked. I'm torn on whether or not being with her was a regret. I hate regrets because of the fact that what is done can not be undone. I am trying to stay busy and she has not contacted me after I let her know that I deleted her number. A part of me wanted her to care but I realize that I was only deluding myself into believing that she had any real feelings for me. I'm going to pride so that should take some of this pain away. I did not want to be single. We were only together for 5 months so I think that this summer will help me to get over my infatuation with her. I know that she had so few positive character traits. I have no ill feelings towards her. I hope that she does find what she wants. It just was not me. The smartest thing that I could have done was a shouda couda. Listening to Sam Smith does not help lol. At work these lazy girls are making me look bad. I don't like working with lazy people and that seems to be what I have to do. I spoke to one girl because she was young and I told her that I have no intention of speaking to her about it. I just want to say it once. I am not her boss or in any management position, so I am not in a position to tell her how to behave at this work site.

Tea with a straight woman

Ok so I still have no fridge or mattress. I have been using a cooler to keep things cool but now I have no money for that. I have 20 bucks to my name and most of that will go to gas and feeding my daughter. I had coffee today and water. I am hungry but being dangerously overweight I think that I will be fine. I am expecting some money to come in. I paid for something and I am to be reimbursed for it. I am expecting the money this week so that will leave me with a nice amount to pay for food for my baby. That being said, some good and uncomfortable things are going on in my life. I have to find a gyno. The one I had is an old man and he wants to retire. This time I will look for a female gyno. I do not know why I have been comfortable with men in the past but a friend suggested that I would relate more with a female. I have to get all those test run and I'm a bit scared because any time I am with someone I get scared. She claims that she was std free but I should have been smart and asked for proof. So now I am worried. I just hope that I am ok. I have also decided that I will take losing weight very serious. I have been losing weight merely by chance, I want to speed things up because I do not like what I see in the mirror when I am in my birthday suit. I want to exercise though I hate the start of working out. I think that I will go home and try a video because I do not have the gas money to drive to the gym. I may also walk around town a bit and check out stores. Now this weekend I had tea with a woman that I met at the shelter. We are similar in terms of personality, but she is smarter than I am and I'm a bit more outgoing then she is. She came over and we had Tazo tea. It was really good. I'm more of a coffee drinker but I did not feel like making two drinks. We had snacks and talked for hours. I did most of the talking but she was interested and interesting. She is so pretty and I  love the fact that she is so smart and uses big words. She just intrigues me. One bad thing for me is that she is straight. I was wondering if maybe she would be interested in being with a female but I just don't feel right about it. She seems set in her ways and I would be in a position where I would potentially lose a good friend. I am not ready to take that risk. But how can I get over this little crush that I have. She is the complete opposite of the female that I am kinda still with. We are not official and have not been together in a few months now. The fact that I no longer trust her, also makes me ready to move on to someone more my speed. I mean this woman is a complete square as she would say and I just feel that I could be content with her and vice versa. I have no idea what to do. I can not keep going to the city to meet other lesbian women. It is costly. My one friend met a woman in an entirely different country. Granted it is connected to the US but that is still far. I'm sure there are other square, attractive, West Indian women out there, that are also lesbians. I think that I should start working on getting some really nice kittens because I see my future will be littered with cats.FMLRN. I am screaming in my head right now with frustration. I have so many positives going on in my life but no love. I also have to go take std test and I am anxious as all. Plus I have to get this diabetes thing under control. I know that I can not starve myself and eating crazy. I plan to eat better when I can afford my fridge but until that time comes. I suppose I will give my digestive system a short vacation. I have no idea what I will be having for dinner. I suppose water. My baby will have rice that should be enough I hope. I am all registered for school and I begin in the fall. By the year 2015 I should be completely done with school and only have to worry about that test. I am a worrier and I get anxious easily. I keep myself stressed out. Screaming in my head again. Ok that's it for now.

Out of Homeless Shelter

I am no longer living at the homeless shelter. I have a nice apartment that I am trying to furnish on a small income. I am very happy with the new changes in my life. I still go by the shelter and speak to some of the ladies. My daughter goes to school nearby so I see them and we always talk. Some of them are nice and some I am glad that I no longer live with them. The stories continue with them but it's too much and I am away from it. I still have very litttle furniutre but I have, for the most part unpacked my things. I have been filling up my igloo with ice to keep some things cold, which is eating away at the foodstamp cash. I am saving for the fridge. I saw an apartment size fridge for 320. I tried to get one used but it keeps getting purchased. It would have been real nice to get one for 150-175 instead of 320+tax. I gave my daughter the room which is big. I will use one of the closets and put one dresser in there, but for the most part it is hers. I am so happy that she has her own room. We are sleeping on a twin air bed. It is not that comfy but it gets the job done. They make them durable now. I am happy with the purchase. I still go out looking a hot mess. I wanted to look nice when I go out but I just do not have the time. Which I hate because I'm still single. I want to have someone special in my life. I go to school soon so I will not have time for dates and stuff. Iwas hoping to meet someone at least over the summer. I was still seeing the girl from the shelter but she has no intentions of entering into a relationship with me. I tried to win her over but she has informed that my efforts were in vain. It hurt but I have to accept it for what it is. I met another girl at the shelter that I like as well. She is the complete opposite of the other one. I seem to have a thing for older women it seems. Not that older maybe a few years older. I have signed up for websites but everyone is either far or not a paid member. I thought of paying but I don't have the money. I am going to pride in a few weeks. I am excited about that. And things are falling into place. Except my love life. Oh well at least the most important things are being taken care of.

Shelter Life 14

Today was not as uneventful as I would have liked. It started of really nice. I go to the gym with one of the ladies here. I had a phenomenal workout. I was able to run for a full 15 minutes I could have gone longer but I did not want to push it. Then something happens to the woman that I am falling hard for. I could do nothing to help her and she was gone before I got to say goodbye. Then me and the other woman go to the gym and start shooting some hoops. It was nice but then we come back to the shelter and we have to go to group. I usually enjoy group. I did not have to go but I did because it has been pleasant in the past. This time one of the ladies here decided to go. She usually does not go to these type of things. She was vulgar, rude, and monotonous. One other girl was just acting like she belongs in a psych ward. I spoke to the man later and let him know that there are fights there on a monthly basis at this point. The women are at threshold. I feel that something may be about to happen and I don’t know what to say. I know that I will have no part of it. If something is about to happen I will just leave to avoid any of it. I will get the details later but I do not want to see women beat the mess out of each other. I don’t like listening to the arguing either. They just get loud and belligerent. I am so over it. It looks funny on TV but I don’t find it entertaining at all. So I just had enough. I took a nap and then woke up and took my daughter out to a buffet. The food cost me 30 dollars plus tip. No more of going to that place. They made the place look nicer but they did not have anything special. The man that was working the Hibachi grill was not even friendly. The drink was good though. I only had one and it did not have much alcohol in it. So I come back do my chore and then we are watching TV. We decide that we should maybe bring the kids to a sitter and go to Atlantic City for a weekend and just have fun. Then one of the women says yeah and maybe you can drive. No the mess I won’t be driving. Why would I take on the responsibility of having people that I don’t know that well in my car? No it is not going to happen. I have no idea how we will be going there but it will not be by my car. Then I have to be sober as a nun to drive back while they get to get wasted no thanks. We did want to get a little tipsy and watch a movie here on Friday. One of the girls says that she may leave if she gets some money. I’m just mad that the one person that I would have enjoyed this day with is gone. I know that it seems crazy and that we are moms and at a homeless shelter. But we had lives before we came here. We had things before we came here. And yes most of us are all on welfare but this is temporary. I am doing what I have to do. I am looking for work. I am not looking as hard as I could but I am looking. I will be graduating from my class this week. I stuck with it. I am mostly glad that it will be over. I did learn a lot from it. If someone would just call me for an interview I know that I could land the job. I do need to buy a watch I think that will be good they say that employers pay attention to that. I do like watches. I was hoping to get a job working with watches. Like I said I have some weird things to like. You would not look at me and say she likes watches. I also went to Michael Kors and bought some glasses for 102 dollars. I was like I can’t believe that I am doing this but I did. I have not worn them yet. I have to get some contacts and new glasses. I want to feel beautiful. A part of me thinks that because I am watching these reality shows with them that it is influencing me. I see these women looking good and I want to look good too. I have to get my hair done again. It is not hard because my mom does not charge me much and I tend to shy away from hairstyles that are expensive. I’m going to take my braids out this weekend and get kinky twist. I usually get them only up to my shoulders but this time I will get them longer. I also want to go to Mac and replenish my makeup it will set me back another hundred. This is why I need to get the rental assistance and find a job because I like things. I have always been a shopper. This time I plan on being a smarter shopper. I am not buying as much. I am choosing quality over quantity. Ok nothing else has happened.

SL 13

I come in and for some reason Kia a girl that I was friends with comes to me and tells me that I am a phony friend. I have started to notice that I have lost weight and bought some clothes to look nice in. Of course I wanted someone to notice me and it worked, but I never got the response that I wanted. So Kia goes on about how I did not greet her when I saw her. I told her that I saw her that morning, which was a few hours ago. She tells me that I should say hi to her every time that I see her. She has now begun to irritate me because she was being rude for no reason. She was also doing this in front of people. If she had a problem with me she should have just spoken to me. She then tells me what I am going to do about it. I tell her that I am not going to say hi to her every time that I see her. I tell her that she is just going to have to deal with it. I guess that she did not like my answer because the next day she does not speak to me. I would usually have spoken to her but this is not the first time that she has gotten rude with me over not getting enough attention from me. I am not her boo. I do not have the time to invest in her anymore. I am not starting something with someone here and I want to focus on that. The woman that I have begun to talk to has opened my eyes up to the fact that Kira is a crazy selfish woman that acts immature. I realize that she is taking advantage of me and that I do not like hanging out with her that often, because she is annoying at times, not all the time. At this point I could not tolerate her as much as I use to. She had started to do things that I felt were disrespectful. She has a song on her phone that was her ringtone. It was laced with profanity about sex. She would be with me and my child and that phone rang all the time. I said to her that I thought that it was inappropriate on many occasions. She finally changed it after about 3 weeks. Then I took her out to run errands with me when we had a little non talking period. We go to the store and she begins to twerk at that cash register. I try to ignore her and she just kept on going and tried to get my attention. It is bad enough that she either wears thongs or no panties with leggings to attract attention, but to twerk in the store as well. It was embarrassing and inappropriate.  She needs too much attention for me. Then we go out and she insist on finding clothes that are attention getters. She then looks at these shorts that would clearly not fit her and would leave her with exposed skin. We tell her that she should not buy them so then she talks about the shorts all day and about how they would fit and that she should buy them. The other girl that has now joined our little group tells her that the shorts are beyond inappropriate. She then talks about them the next day and decided to go in search of them. She wants me to drive her around the corner. I say no we are walking I am not driving. She say oh you going to make me walk? I was pisses when she said that. You have a boyfriend that is a drug dealer and you are and adult. You would think that you would have purchased a car by not. I am not making you walk. You not doing what you had to do is what is making you walk, not me. She began to think that I was her chauffer. I was so sick of her talking about those shorts. I felt out of my mind then she went to store after store. I was so over it. I was ready to go. Now she asked me if I could drive her to her chiropractor. I say fine since she harps on about how she cannot sit on the bus because it hurts her back too much. I don’t know if her back is as bad as she says but I give her the benefit of the doubt. I start doing her chores for her with the other woman. She walks around and does nothing. I understand that her back hurts but she cannot even wipe down the stove tops. If she had her own apartment how would it get clean? Now my special friend says if you were not here how was she going to get there? That comment does stick with me. I do not tell her that though, because I do not want outside influences to influence my friendships. Zia asks me if I could take her son to school and bring her to where she needed to go. I agree but I also agreed to take Kia to her doc apt. I decide that I can do both. I was wrong. As I am bringing Kia, Zia is getting upset because she wanted to be dropped off first. Kia is upset too. I told Kia first so I bring her first and hers is first. I then tell her that I will be back to pick her up. She wanted us to stay with her for her appointment initially. Plans got changed after that. So then I go to take Zia’s son to school and then back to town. I then get ready to drop her off and she gets mad at me because I yelled at her. She has raised her voice at me and it is ok but I get upset and raise my voice it is a problem. She did not speak to me for the rest of the ride. I am doing all of this on bad tires and bad struts. Then I drive back to pick up the Kia. Mind you I had so much to do for myself but I put them first. I decided not to do that anymore. That was the last time that I took Kia anywhere. So now we are not speaking after our spat. I ignore and just stop talking to her altogether because I do not have time for the nonsense. I am much older than her and what she wanted was not going to happen. She had even told me that she had been in a lesbian relationship in the past and wanted me to stop talking to the woman that I was interested in. You are dating a drug dealer and you are being critical of my potential relationship. I don’t like when people go there with me. My heart listens to no one. It finds someone and that is that. It does not mean that it will last or be the one but I listen to my heart. Now she has made comments about me but I just ignored her. She then made a comment that I would be crying etc. I later find out that she told whoever would listen that day in the common area that I hooked up with Zia. I was pissed about that. So now I am pretending to be her friend to avoid any more drama. I don’t dislike her though. I really did consider her a friend at one time and sometimes I do miss being friends with her but I can no longer trust her. Especially if she is going to blurt thing out. That was not the first time. I stepped away from her when one day she made some comments about Zia. I asked her to stop and she said no and continued to talk about it loud in the kitchen. I then realized that it would be wise for me to entrust her with anything. I then told them that our relationship was over and made some things up. Some were true but not the serious things.  I thought it was the woman that was next door to Zia. I thought that maybe she heard us and started to tell people but one of the women here said no. She said that Kia made a little announcement about it when you two were fighting. I knew that she knew because something happened and she apologized to me like she knew that we were together. I asked Donna if everyone knew because I was just hearing too many comments. She said yes, most people know and that it even traveled to the other building. I was not happy about finding this out. She is still friends with Kia but I told her to be careful with her and that she cannot be trusted.

SL 12

This one will not be that long. I am sitting down watching TV. I and Kia are not speaking at this point. I see her in the kitchen and think nothing of it. I saw her talking to the staff earlier in the office and I thought nothing of it. Then Tina comes in and says you talking all that stuff on Instagram let me see how tough you are. Kia does not say anything at first, then she says what that B say, I don’t want your man. Then I go upstairs and tell Zia what just transpired between Kia and Tina. She gets excited and she says that she is going down. I go back down. At first I thought that it was drama. But then I see that they are really going to fight. People are trying to hold back Kia. Then Tina gets pushed outside. Kia says I’m not going to do anything to you because you have a heart problem .Tina says F that B why the FK you talking to my man. They push Tina outside and they do not let her back in. Now Kia is going out to fight her. I may not have been talking to her but I am not going to let her fight Tina. She has a bad back and the other one has heart problems. So then Zia comes down and ask me to take care of her son. So I go up and take care of her son. I get him ready for bed. She later tells me that I should have put his thing down in the diaper. I don’t have a son and it has been so long since I have taken care of a boy that I had no idea. She woke up to him peeing all over. Ok so now she come to the room and tells me what happened. She tells me that Tina comes back in and that Kia was in the office and she leapt to fight Tina. They are fist fighting. Then Lina jumps in the middle of it and says if anyone hurts my baby blah blah. Then why was she jumping in a fight of women that are bigger than her if she is so concerned for her baby? Then Kia trips off of Lina and Tina who want a fair fight does not beat her while she is down but they say that Tina threw the most punches. They break up the fight and Tina gets her hand slammed in the door as they pushed her out. I then go downstairs and Kia ask me if she had hit me while I was holding her back I say no. I sit there and Lya goes on about how her hand got caught in Kia’s bras strap. They talked about the fight over and over again like it was cool. I did not think that it was cool at all. Then Jean says to her that if I had a son I would not jeopardize my shelter over a man. She said that she did not like seeing pretty women fight. Then Kira tells her to stay out of her business. Jean was a bit upset, but she tells her that she is completely right. That it has nothing to do with her and that she should not have even commented on it. Jean is a drug addict and alcoholic but she is smart and perceptive. One day Kia was telling us why her grandmother kicked her out. I know the whole story but she only tells people the part about the fact that she got into a fight with a family member and that her grandmother threw out all of her and her son’s things. Jean says no, you did something to make her do that. She was right. Then I go to Tina because I am no longer talking to Kia and I talk to her about the situation. Everyone says that Kia threw the first punch but that was not the truth. So I tell her to keep her mouth shut and that they all say that Kia threw the first punch and to stick to that story. She tells me that she was posting things on Instagram and that Kia started to show people the text and then people kept coming to her about it. What happened was that Tina’s boyfriend befriended Kia on Instagram (she poses well but does not actually look like her pics) and then I guess Tina found out and some comments were exchanged online. Kia had told the staff that there may have been a fight and told them all about the Instagram thing. So the staff on that shift left a message for the next staff to not let Tina near Kia. Somehow the messages got crossed and they thought that it was another woman. The staff member was mad because they do not want anything like that to happen on their shift. This staff member is handicapped and could not do much anyway. Tina never really like Kia that much and she let her know that. I hope that the fight was worth it for both of them because they were worried that they would have been kicked out. Tina would have been ok but Kia has burned too many bridges and she has nowhere to go. Her son was with her grandmother at the time of the fight because they had painted in the building and she claimed that her son could not stay here. He was with the grandmother for two weeks and in that time she did not take the boy to school for one day. She received letters letting her know that she would have to go to court if he missed any school and that DYFS may be called on her. But now she just had to worry about what would happen to her. They were both told that no one was going to be kicked out but then. Tina gave Kia dirty looks for like two days then she got over it. I remember Jean telling them that he is going to be with who he is going to be with. She only knew that they were fighting over a man. To Kia’s surprise they moved her to the other building. The other building is a demotion. You do not have your own room, you have to share and one room is bigger than the other one and you have to share a bathroom. You also have to leave in the morning to come to this building and stay until 2. You can make your food here but only for lunch. They tend to steal our food when they come. Many of them just hang here all day if they do not have some welfare program to go to. So when then told Kia that she had to move, she was pissed. She cursed the staff out and one became upset and let her know that she would not continue to disrespect her. She said that people were moved for different reasons. I knew that it was BS. Kia had pushed the envelope too far for too long. She would curse at staff, ignore them, and do what she pleased. She said that she could not do any chores because of her back and she had a note from her chiropractor but when you leap and fight someone when you could have just went to your room, the people no longer believed her. She told them that her back was so bad and that she was in immense pain and that she had to be lying down in bed for most of the day. I must have missed that when she was twerking and dancing. She made it seem like she was an invalid. If you must lie down most of the day then how can you take care of your son? I told her to stop saying that before she loses him. She is mentally disturbed and she tortures that little boy. He cries a lot and he knows about adult things because of her. There have been times when I had to let her know that she was being inappropriate around the kids. She acted like she did not say anything wrong. She moved across the street and she was upset. She came in the next day and she continued to tell them that she should not have been moved and that she was not like the other able bodied females. That she was too handicapped to be moved. At least she was not thrown in the streets especially after fighting.

SL 11

In this place there are so many personalities, but the common factor seems to be substance abuse for many of the people here. There are some that are mentally ill. The ones that are mentally ill have no help. The people here seem to laugh at them and the workers don’t care for them much. They are homeless but they do not have the same capabilities that some of the other people have here. There is one girl here that gets into arguments with people, but the arguments tend to be unfounded. She may get something stolen and just accuse someone without any proof. She tends to be wrong about the people that she thinks are stealing her things. They do take her things without asking and feel no remorse for it. Which already lets me know that they are probably the ones taking from everyone else. They think that because they steal from the joke of the house it does not matter. I don’t take anything from anyone because it is not ok to steal. You mean to tell me that you can afford to get eyelashes done every two weeks but you cannot buy aluminum foil or paper towels. They think that I am a goodie two shoes. I am far from it but there are things that I don’t think are ok. I don’t think that it’s fair to sell your food stamps for vanity and then go to food pantries for food or take from other people that use their food stamps on food for their children. Ok so let me get into the common drama that seems to plague this place. Mind you I am a lesbian and I cannot live with all these women. This one girl Tisha got 10 dollars stolen from her. So she tells the staff and they look through the tapes to see if they can see who stole it. To review the tapes there is a protocol that needs to be followed me suppose. When the tapes are reviewed the big bosses were in the office. While they are reviewing the tapes they see children going from room to room and that most of the kids are in all one room, while the parents are all in another room. The lady who works in this building is mortified in front of her bosses. She is supposed to know what is going on and what they saw was not how things were supposed to be. Now loud mouth girl, Lina decides to run off at the mouth saying that Laila stole the money. She says that she will tell her that she thinks that she stole it because she was the only one by the stroller. This is after the girl that got her money stolen got into an argument with Laila. Laila who is a drug addict and is usually high. She is tall like 5’9 or so. She is also thick so people tend to avoid confrontations with her due to that alone. She comes down and wants to see this girl that she says accused her of stealing her 10 dollars. She says to me and my friend while we are eating breakfast that she wants to know where her room is so that she can talk to her. This woman does not look like someone who knows how to have a conversation without punching you in the face if it does not go according to how she wants it to. I tell her that I do not know what her room number is because of two reasons; it is not my place to inform her of this, second she has a small child. This Laila that is raising hell over money that she probably did steal does not have her children. She then proceeds to tell us how she did not steal the money and that if she wanted money she would just stick someone up and how she has no problem robbing someone in the street for big money. That she has people that she be with etc. She went on and the girl that I am friends with goes and tells her the room of the girl. I sit there silent. I don’t say a word. When she goes upstairs I ask her why she did that. She does not have an answer for me. That did not sit well with me. I did say to Laila that she has a child up there. She tells me that she will not start anything, who I think that she is. In my mind I want to say a drug addict that is quite large and that she admits to stealing so what would make me think that she would not do something to this rather thin woman with a child. I say nothing. Not because I am scared of her but because she just is not worth it. The girl is not home so she waits for her to come in later. The tape shows her by the stroller (which she had no reason to be by) but it did not show her steal the money so there was nothing that they could do. So she waits for her to come home later while she is doing her chores. She approaches her about her accusing her of stealing her 10 dollars. The little woman does not back down, she says that I did not accuse you but you were by my stroller. I let go of the money and that she did not accuse her. Laila says that Lina told her that she is the one that said that she took the money. Little does Red know that the woman that she is defending is the reason that things blew up out of proportion. She says that Lina has nothing to do with it. They argue for a while and then it stops. I guess that Laila became a little frazzled by this money incident and chose to leave after a week or so. She made it seem that she was moving in with her boyfriend but later on it was discovered that she entered into some rehab program. She wants to get her children back. They go into these rehab places but the truth is unless they really want to become clean for self then they will just be playing the system. They think that because their urine comes up clean then they are ok. They smoke things that are not for human consumption to avoid coming up dirty. They look a mess. They think that it is no big deal but when you have children it is a big deal. They look like they have fried too many of their brain cells. They are turning themselves into zombies. I am not an addict so to be honest I can take a drug and not become addicted. I am not saying that I would attempt to prove this but some people can take drugs from time to time and others become hooked. I have done drugs in the past. It was ok but I don’t need it. It would be nice to light up or pop a pill from time to time but I don’t need to. After seeing how they look when they are hooked makes me not even want to get high. In my opinion they look pathetic. Movies make it seem like a fun lifestyle but it is a sad lifestyle. Drugs and alcohol affect people differently and some people make huge mistakes when they are under the influence and they can’t take back anything that they have done. This woman wants to get her kids back but she is smoking this potpourri and for what. What judge will look at her and give her back her children, she looks fried? She also should not have any children she is a dangerous person and she would potentially just rob that child of a decent life. I found out where she was because one of the girls’ mother is in the program and she saw her there and told her mother and her mother thought that she was bothering her (she let her mom know that they use to stay at the shelter together) and she told us. The 10 dollar story does not end here but I will save it for next time because something else happened and it intertwines.

Shelter Life 10

There is a new woman in the place, she has a newborn baby. She is very pretty. She is tall and looks like she can have anybody that she wants. She came in and did not speak very much to anyone. Her daughter is beautiful so of course people will try to get to know her. Well Lina decided that it would be her. She curses like it is cute and was vulgar as can be. The girl seem to meet her vulgarity and they have now become close friends. She is always holding the girls baby. This woman leaves her child with anyone. She just is too trusting but Lina makes sure that she is the one that is almost always with the child. Which is a bit bewildering because you would think that she would prefer to spend time with her own child. I guess that is not the case. On this particular day Lina was not stalking her to hold her baby and try to be her new found bestie. I was in the kitchen with Zia. She wanted to go do something so she asked Zia if she could watch her baby while she stepped out. We are not allowed to babysit but no one really cares too much for the rules. They are in place for a reason but people begin to trust people here. Not to mention there are people with DYFS cases and they do not tell you. You do find out from time to time because the workers come in and check in on them. Zia agrees to watch the baby while she goes and does whatever. At this point Lina comes down and she is watching the baby. Why, is an answer that she can only give. Zia is sitting down eating and Lina stands over her shoulder. She ask Lina if she could move from over her shoulder. Lina said that she did not have to move. Zia told her again that she was making her uncomfortable and if she could move from over her shoulder. Lina said no. Then Zia gets up and gets in Lina’s face and tells her to move and Lina gets up in her face and they go back and forth. Mind you the baby is in the car seat. So I take the baby and go to the common area.They continue to argue until the staff member calms them down. Zia was mostly upset because she was not only standing over her shoulder, she was watching the baby like she was the only one that the baby was safe with. That is really what the fight was about. I knew that it would not end up being a fist fight but I did not want the baby to be around all that negativity. They are both mostly screamers. It would take a lot for either one of them to get physical because they have too much to lose.


I missed the minor things that happened because I have not been writing so I will discuss the major things until I am able to catch me up. I am writing the ones that are happening now and then going back so I should be done by next week. I will post them ASAP. The day started out as usual I go to my classes cook and then get ready to do my chores. There was this new lady there and I do not like her much because she is supposed to do the chores of the people that are out on pass. She kept asking us to do while she sat there and had conversations with the women. Let me backtrack. One of the girls Isa was going out to a party of a family member at a club nearby. She asked me to do her makeup because she has no idea about makeup. I agreed so we did the chores because we just wanted the girls to be allowed to sit down stairs without her making a fuss. Since we agreed to do all the chores of the people that were not there she let us hang in the kitchen and get all pretty. So as she is getting ready some of the other women there decide that they want to go to the club too. They are sitting there and the one that I am doing the makeup for grabs a cup of something clear and is just drinking. I know that it is alcohol and I am surprised that she is drinking it in front of staff. Some of the other ladies were drinking as well. Then they tell this woman that they plan to drink and everything. I am telling her please do not say that because you will be putting her in an uncomfortable position. She does not listen to me and keep going on about what she will be doing and the girls are planning how they will be going out. A new girl came in with a baby and befriended one of the girls here. She befriended a girl that I did not like too much, because her mouth is filthy.  Something about her just never rubbed me the right way. So I finish her makeup and she starts to take pictures. Jen decides to take the pictures and starts to irritate Ria. She refuses to let go of the camera phone and I’m like here we go again. So after the poses and the jokes Mina gets ready in record time. I have no idea why she put on shades at night. She looked good but I just did not get shades to a club. Then the one with the newborn comes down she looked sexy. She is very pretty and tall and had on some killer heels. One of the girls that she befriended tried to knock her but I let her know that she looked great. She did not have much makeup on but she did not need it. So after she makes some minor changes they discuss sitter situation. One tells Jen to keep an eye on her kids. She tell her not to beat her kids Jen did not like that comment. Then Jen tells her that she needs to make her kids bed because they are sleeping on plastic. She tells Jen to fix it for her, that it is easy to fix. Jen says she is not fixing it. So Mina leaves the bed unmade. Then Ina is supposed to watch the newborn so that the mom can go to the party. Now I must now mention that there is a rule that no one is allowed to babysit anyone else’s child. Now we go to the common area and they are deciding how they will be going to the party. Ria’s cousin says that she can’t make it. She is not happy about that. She is finding out how she will be able to get her to come. She claims that she can get a cab but that they will not all fit. I doubt that. They have large cabs and I tell her that. Finally Mina ask me if I can take them. I did not offer. I agree but I want to be careful because it is close to curfew already. I told them to ask the staff worker if it was ok for to drop them off because I had my daughter asleep upstairs and I was not going to wake her to bring them to the club. The club was only 5 minutes away by car. They tell me that she said it was ok. Hindsight I should have asked myself. While I am sitting there I see the woman with the newborn and notice that as pretty as she is she has hair on her chin. I pull her aside and ask her if she wants me to get rid of it for her. She did not have anything to get rid of it with. I had an eyebrow shaper but I had used it already. I don’t like sharing things like that.  When I did the girl’s makeup I used some of my brushes but washed them as soon as I was done. So she comes upstairs with me. She did her own lashes they did not look so good so I tried to fix it with eyeliner but I was rushing so it did not come out as good as I would have liked. I do the lashes for a lot of the girls here when they do not have money to get it done at the salon. I enjoy it. One said that she would give me money I told her not to worry about it. I guess she did not, since she never gave me the money. It is ok though I don’t mind, it is just that I would have gave it anyway. She is always asking people for things that she should buy. That is for another day. So she comes down but while she was getting ready she asked one of the ladies to feed her baby. The nipple on the bottle was too small and the baby could not get the food. So one of the girls takes the baby and puts her hand in her mouth to squeeze the nipple so the baby could get some milk. I did not say anything but I am like are you seriously putting your hand in someone else’s baby’s mouth. I was mortified. I should have said something but she already did it. And she had some crusty thing on her mouth that she kept on rubbing I have no idea what it was. I really had no idea what it was. So then after that Tia takes the baby and they get ready to leave. I go outside and Ria’s male cousin is outside. I’m like who the mess is this. She just invites him to my car. I was pissed. There was ice outside so Ria fell. Her cousin carried her. Then I fell. I did not see the ice so I told them to wait there and I would drive to them because they all had on heels and I had on sneakers. They were so cold that they came to the car anyway. Her cousin gets into my car and she ask me if it’s ok that he came. I did not say anything. So Mina says well he’s already here. Not to mention before we left the house Ria said that she would have paid for a cab for one of her other cousins to get to the party. I’m like if you had the money why are you riding in my car. I don’t say a word. I am the type of person that will not say a word but I will never let you do it again. They have not been in my car since this incident and they have asked. I just ignore them. So now I am driving them there. They pull a bottle of liquor and continue to drink. I did not even see the liquor bottle. I am peeved and there are cops on the street. After my friend had his license suspended for having an open liquor bottle in a car that was not his I was not happy. They already had it and we were there. I went back to the house and the lady did not say anything. I go to my room and at like 1 am I hear a noise. I hear doors slamming but I have no idea what is going on. I call Kia and tell her something is going on but I do not know what it is. I try to keep her updated but I did not want to leave my room but I knew that it must have been something because when I had started to get ready to shower and was getting undressed Miss D came to my room. The ladies thought that a different staff member was working that night so when I saw her I knew that something was up. Usually when I say that I am getting dressed she does not come in. This time she opened the door wide and I am in my bra and panties. She just looked at me and I just stood there. I was not bashful or anything but I just felt that she should not have done that. The next morning I find out what transpired in the middle of the night. The staff member that was working called the head people to inform them that the women went out to a club and left their children here. They thought that she was cool. They did not even develop a relationship with her to come to this assumption. She had only been working there for 6 months and we have not seen her often because she usually works in the other building. Jen calls one of the women and tells her to get back quickly because Mrs. D says that anyone that is not back by 1AM will get DYFS called on them. I do not know all the details but I will write what I was told happened. One of them came back. One was out on pass and did not have to come back. The one with the newborn came back in the wee hours of the night. Tina had her baby and threw them all under the bus. She made it seem that she was forced to watch the women’s children. When Miss D came in and saw Mina’s kids alone she bought them downstairs and questioned them and then told them to go in the room with Tina. So Ria who is supposed to be good friends with Tina got pissed that she threw the other women under the bus. Especially since she would hardly let anyone hold the newborn. She was always holding the baby. She even got into arguments over the baby. She was not forced to do anything she volunteered. So Ria comes in and she was a bit drunk and she was ready to fight even though it had nothing to do with her because her kids were not there and she had a pass. She says that she want to fight Tina. Tina has a mouth on her and they kind of fight. Ria threw the punch and Miss D ended up getting hit by one of the punches. Cops were called and Ria was asked to leave. We all assumed that she would be kicked out but she was put into the other building which is not as nice as this one. Which she was grateful for. But she is a violent dirty woman. I’ll talk about that later. So now the next day we are waken up with new kitchen hours because of the fight. They did not want us to talk about the incident. But it happened in the building, people could not help but to find out what was happening. We talked about it all day. Loud mouth Tina did not say a word that day but then the next day she kept saying that her best friend was gone yada yada. Then we found out that Ria was allowed to go to the other building and she came back for a day and ate food together with their kids. We watched this like it was bizarre. We could tell that Ria was mad that she was the one that had to leave and was not really over what had gone down between them. I also understand that during the fight she had threatened Tina. Tina is not from this town and she claims to have friends in her town but I highly doubt that. She tries to make friends with the people that come in here. Tina was molested as a kid so I think that is why she acts the way that she does. I knew that something was wrong with her. She talks about how she has trust funds and how her parents have money etc. She acts like she grew up in the gutter. And I think that her father that married a black woman was a bit racists. He is Spanish, from where I have no idea. But she says that he was a bit racist. That girl is a mess. She will continue to have problems if she does not get the help that she needs. I don’t think people realize that sexual abuse does not end when the abuse ends. It damages people their entire lives.

Shelter life 8

Ok. It has been a while since I have written about my life here in the shelter system. I wrote something and forgot to save it and I have to write from memory. I don’t like that because the time period is long. Which means that there will be thing that are forgotten and I will have to input it at later date. I am writing when there are no distractions. I will begin with the date that Lisa was thrown out. I heard that she was leaving with her two kids. I told her congrats because I thought that she had gotten her TRA (temporary rental assistance). It was not until someone said she was not leaving voluntarily. I still was under the impression that things were ok for her because she seemed cool and collected. So the next morning I am getting ready to go this class that I signed myself up for. It was a class provided by the church. It is for me to learn excel, Microsoft word, Power Point, and a few other job assistance programs. One of the workers sees her with her kids and asks her where she is going. She lifts up her shoulders and says I don’t know. I was stunned. I also understood that yes you can have no idea what to do next. The worker gets upset, she starts to cry. She cannot understand how the shelter that gets 1 grand per person can throw a woman out with nowhere to go. I had to get ready to leave but I could not just let this woman that knows very little English with two kids in the cold. I only knew of one place that could help her at the time. I got ready and told her to wait for me that I would bring her to a place that could help her. I will give you a brief small barely informed picture of her. She is not a good mother in any way. I do not understand how she can be here for over 14 months and have accomplished nothing, she went to the bs welfare classes but other than that she did very little else. She would disappear for days and have some excuse. The children would be hungry and instead of going to a food pantry she walks to who knows where and seems to always have cigarettes to smoke. She also looks like she may be a prostitute. I don’t know if she is a prostitute but the way that she leaves here would indicate that she does do that to make a living. Even though these are obvious things that anyone can deduce from observation, it does not matter. Those children deserve a chance. The worker is crying on the phone to someone about how unfair the situation was. She was not one of the people that get paid the big bucks so there was not much that she could do. I take her to the place and they say that they will help her and I go to my class. I ask about her and they tell me that she will be ok. Then I go back to the shelter thinking that everything is ok. She says that they told her that she needed to get a paper and to go back and give it to them before a certain time. I know that she will not be able to walk back and get the necessary paperwork to the place in time. I get my daughter from school and I take her back. The place kicks her out but they did not give her the paperwork that she needed in order to get shelter elsewhere. I dropped this woman off at 9 am it is now almost 4 pm. The woman call the place and ask for the paperwork. She says that her supervisor has to give her the paperwork. So now the place just say fine bring the paperwork tomorrow. The children are antsy and have not eaten much that day. I felt so bad but what could I do. She was crying and the children were crying from time to time. There were times throughout the day that I felt like crying but it would not help her in any way. They were going to let her stay with one of the other girls and try to hide her but that girl also had two children. I also did not think that it would work out because the woman that I was helping had not washed her clothes in a while, her room smelled awful and she is not the cleanest person. That still would have been ok but they kicked her out before they came up with this idea. What was she suppose to do in mean time? I hear that she had an operation and the welfare people sanctioned her because she did not go to her program but she was in the hospital. Her worker went on vacation and the other workers could not find the info etc. The lady who helped her at the place by putting her at a rundown efficiency (better than nothing); asked me what she has been doing this entire time. She has almost reached her limit for shelter (18 months). I did not have an answer for her. I had just received my child support which was 84 dollars for 2 weeks. I had no choice in my mind. I took her to the grocery store and bought 20 dollars of food and gave her 5 dollars. I did not have much money I could not give her any more. She thanked me and then I took her to the inn and she settled in. I then came back to the shelter and the mean as sh** lady was working. She informed me that I had to be written up because my room was not clean. It was because I was rushing to help this woman early in the morning and did not have enough time. Rules are rules so I just sucked it up and took the write up. I wanted to cry but honestly I just could not. I had to be strong for her to get the day done and I did not want to feel bad so I just was a bit distant and then went to do my chores then bed. I was emotionally drained that day. I left the shelter early in the morning and came close to night time helping this woman. I had to buy my daughter fast food that day because there was not time to cook anything since the kitchen was closed. I may have been able to tell the worker why I need to be given a little extra time to cook but that would have been useless because she is a meanie. She seems to have her favorites though. I will write separately what is happening now and go back to what happened before so at least the recent stuff can be much clearer. I did not like this day at all. To see her pushing her cart and all her stuff sitting in the front of the place near the entrance hurt. I do not know what is going on with her or why she is stuck and seems to be headed nowhere with a little girl and boy. I feel bad for those beautiful kids. I don’t know what she needs to be a little more independent or why she has more than one child. It seems insane and I do not think that she will stop having children. I am not in a place to judge anyone harshly. I have and continue to do things that I have no business doing either. I’ll write about that at a later date. I will not be able to go into detail because then I would be going into an adult content section. I don’t want that.


I will keep it short. I met a woman here. We have been hooking up. She hass some serious issues. I like her so much,but she does not seem to feel the same for me. I wish that she felt differently. It is what it is.


I got an extention. I will be able to stay there for one more month. That will be a relief. I attempted to take some classes to make me more marketable for work, but it is closed. So I went to the library and I plan to teach myself until I can get the class. I am working hard to find work. My mom keeps interrupting my plans with her nonesense. First she needed to close on her shell of a house. Then she needs me to go the insurance for her. I am losing valuable time doing what I have to do. I need to look for a place, fill my taxes, look for work, and little stuff. I have to tell her that this will be the last day. I am running out of time and I have to get these things done. I have only 3 weeks left. She is such a selfish woman. My daughter leaving to go with her grandmother will help me to go to school full time and finish 6 months faster than anticipated. I am making plans. The shelter is the same. People are under the influence of alcohol or drugs, those that are not just stay out of the way. I had a nice conversation with a woman today. Some of the girls are getting really stressed out and taking it out on their kids me included. I felt bad and tried to make it up to her. I said some mean things to my kid due to the pressure I was under. I did not mean to, I just feel so hopeless and now she is in this mess too because of me and my decisions. I did not think that finding work would be so hard. I need a resume for housekeeping that seems insane to me. They want receptionist that are basically secretaries. I should have taken some administrative classes when I had the time. Now I have to just try and see what happens with the skills that I do have, which are not much.


Ok so a week ago I go to the welfare office to get my voucher. That is a sheet of paper saying how much they will pay for your shelter and the date. You are suppose to get one every month. For a single mother with a child they will pay about $1,700.00 for a month. For a single woman they pay about $1,200.00 a month. Makes no sense I know, but plenty of people are getting paid from this backwards thing. So I go there since I recieved a letter telling me that I am not qualified for monetary benefits. I will get the food stamps and the medicaid. I cried for almost 2 days. I was hardly able to pull myself together to do what was necessary. So I do have an option of going to my mom's house. Which I will pay no rent because she had me sign a house in my name. The house is a piece of crap and already people are going into it and cutting pipes to make money. She has big plans for the house but it may be a year until it is livable. That helps ( not!). So I will go to two other places to see if they can be of any help. I am suppose to meet with this woman today but I will cancel because I will be to busy due to the weather getting in the way of any progress. The girls are still crazy. One that I am cool with just found out that she has been gettting ripped off by family members for about 4 years. That was sad. So I gave her some needed info. Now she is all over me. I am a person that likes her personal space. She is non stop irritating me. She wants to come to my room and so does her son. I already got a ticket hanging out with her and they are making comments about her coming to my room. I am not able to stay there past the 6th so I did not make waves. She used my bathroom for number 2 after I told her to go to her own room. She was so gross and she has herpes. I am so through with that girl. The staff is ok the evil one seems to take pride in making people uncomfortable. The place seems to like her for some reason. Me and her do not really talk after I complained about her. So I will have to move on and I am mad at how awful the Denver Broncos playes. Why did they even  bother to show up? Oh and I decided to let my daughter go with her paternal grandmother so that I can finish up my studies. I will be able to go full time and finish 6 months earlier. Which will be a huge weight off of my shoulders. I informed her father at his mother's request. He was upset. I guess she spoke to him then wanted me to speak to him even though she did not tell me that she spoke to him. I'm gonna have to just eat crow. He was upset he thought that I was going to ask him to take her in. He must be mad. This man is the epitome of what not to do as a father. He wants to take her in with his girlfriend even though he is married. Not to mention that this woman has 3 kids that she does  not have custody of. So instead of this woman raising her own children she wants to raise mine and my child does not like her. Not to mention he was complaining that she was not nice to his other children and he does not have his other children either. He is so obsessed with that earned income child credit. He is disgusting. My daughter says that she will miss me but she understands that this lifestyle is not good for her. I will get back on my feet then I will come and get her. I will miss her. We give each ohter extra hugs at night to kinda make up for the ones that we will not be able to give to each other later on.


So yesterday someone lifted someone's entire bacon and someone elses dozen eggs. I have no idea who it was. Now yesterday the girls are watchin Love and Hip Hop. I don't watch much tv but I did not want to be cooped up in my room so I stayed. The woman with the little boy is an alcoholic I just found out. There was an altercation with her and another woman but I thought that it was an isolated insident. So I am sitting there and she tries to squeeze in. She starts talking to me about group and about myself a bit. I don't say much then she tells me that she is in a substance abuse program. But that she no longer does drugs and is just an alcoholic. She reaks of alcohol. I had to sit uncomfortably next to her. She had her hand around the sofa behind me. She squished herself next to me and I was just like ready to leave. I chose to stay just to watch a little tv. Then I hear how she is interested in girls and that she has hit on a few of the other girls there. I  don't think that she is remotely attractive and to add being a loud mouth drunk to the mix, a definite no no. My friend who has serious emotional issues had a fight with her boyfriend. She seems to be very needy. I tried to talk to her later but I went to the wrong door again. Twice I went to the wrong door. One girl blurted out did you take your meds. I understand that we all know about some of her issues, but why blurt it out like that in front of people? It is not her job to notice things like that. Especially when she looks like she may want to take some herself. I read the letters that my ex wrote me when we were together. I just wish that they were true. Instead I read them knowing that they were all lies and I was nothing more than a fool.


I spoke to a friend of mine and she convinced me to be more lenient with tv time for my daughter. I let my daughter watch tv in the common room, while I am talking to my new friend. I will call her Sha. So I am still eating while my daughter and her son just finished. Then I hear yelling. One of the girls is cursing out and looks like she is about to fight another resident. The children are in the middle of this chaos. She was yelling and threatning a retarded woman because she did not want to listen to her. This lady's birthday was going to be the next day so she bought all this stuff from Dunkin Donuts to celebrate her b-day. Then T comes to her and tells her to move it and put it in the fridge so that the staff does not say anything to her. The lady tell her no. I will wait if they tell me something. Then she continues to tell the girl what to do.The woman refuses. Next thing I know she is saying how she always has something smart to say then goes on a rant. Meanwhile this other woman does not back down. She does not yell though she is calm during the entire thing. When I hear the yelling I get up and get my daughter and bring her upstairs. This lady who was yelling in between the children has a child and thought that her behavior was ok. She apologized to my friend witht the son saying that he is not used to her language. I'm thinking moron did you not see my child there. If anyone knows slow people they know that they have been usually bullied so much that they have a back bone. She was not even scared. There were about 5 staff members in the office. Only one got up to break it up. From what I have heard there have been physical altercations with staff and residents and resident on resident. I felt bad for the other lady because I know that she does not go looking for trouble, but if I even tried to break up the argument I would be at fault because it is the staff's job to take care of it. That poor lady does not belong in that place. She needs so much more. They are functioning retarded. They are willing to work and can usually take care of their self. They just need a little counseling and direction since they are suseptible to people manipulating them and taking advantage of them. I am trying to slowly distance myself from everyone. I also want to stop complaining. I have made a complaint against someone who is in my fridge I accused her of taking my juice to a staff member. Then I realized that I was mistaken. She made some Kool aid thing. Not that she does not take food from people. They have caught her this week in someone elses fridge. I think that I wil continue to not have ready made food. How can these women think that these boyfriends of their are worth anything. You are in a homeless shelter with no money or car or anything and you are being intimate and cooking and crap for these men. I guess some people have to go through it to realize that they should expect more from their significant other. Women use to have some power but it seems that the thing dangling from men are keeping women in their place. Women will overlook it all just to have access to it. They will learn.


I cannot sleep. I don't know how she got scabies. I use to shower almost every day because of my job, but I did not make her shower because I figured that since she did not go anywhere she can shower days at a time if she wants. I use to see people make kids bathe at night but I did not see the use if they did not do anything active. So now I feel bad. I make her shower at night and in the morning. I find it to be too much but what other option do I have. I am not at home. The girl in the room before me was not itching nor her children and she has not scars on her bod which are easy to see since she is always showing skin. I made a friend. She has some serious emotional issues and is on a lot of meds. She is nice and adorable at times. The girls here seem to be fluid with their sexuality, not the older ones though. They prefer men but have no problem being intimate with another female. There is not hooking up here or anything it is just from their conversations that I have figured this out. They make comments about hot people and such. The girl that I have become friends with though seems to have something against homosexuality. I don't discuss my personal life too much here. I have spoken to her though. I of course leave out a lot but that's fine. The school accepted my daughter's homeschool work which I am thankful for. She is doing ok, but these schools are test happy. By the time that I cook her dinner I don't have as much time as I would like to work on the school work. It is a lot. The teacher uses her cell phone in class which I do not find to be professional. I will not address this because I have no idea what is going on with me. I do not know if they will let me stay or what. I am planning on cooking enough food so that I only have to cook every other day, except on weekends, I have more time then. I also bought a small folding table thing at the second hand store so that she can do her work more efficiently while here. The only thing that this place is missing is a room for the kids to do homework. A quiet no yelling and cursing room. I'll make due. I would not feel happy if someone was not able to find shelter because of a study room. With the weather being so bad right now, traveling is not as easy. I was going to use the room across the street, but with the whole scabies thing, I think it not wise to sit where a lot of homeless people are at. There are so many people across the street many of them are substance abusers, cleanliness is not high on their list of priorities. The ones over here are not too bad. They don't cause too much trouble they just steal your food. That is annoying but I don't have too much ready to eat food in my fridge. I am just worried that when I have food for the next day they may take some. They need to make fridges with locks on each shelf for that resident. That way it is not so easy to go and take people's food. It would also be good if the staff monitored the kitchen more. It is not like they have any real work. They are just monitors really. I enjoy having a stove to cook on. I also took a bath for the first time in like 7 years. It was ok. My daughter had one today. She did not remember ever being in a tub. We take showers but she enjoyed the bath, I did as a kid too. I felt cleaner with the shower. I don't like seeing old skin floating by. She is eating so well since we have been here. She eats everything I cook with joy. I have made baked mac and cheese, tilapia, fried chicken, potatoes and veggies for her. Next week we will be eating much lighter. Next month I will attempt to make those cheddar biscuits like the ones from Red Lobster. I want to be able to have a job that does not take me away from my child, not coincide with my school, and be able to pay my bills. I would love to find someone but I don't think that it is going to happen. I don't go out. Sometimes I get confused on whether I still like guys or not. I see some and I am not repulsed by it; but then I go to the college and this woman walks in. She was about 5'9 and the feeling was all over. I don't feel that with any guy I meet. I guess it is what is the norm and makes sense. Being a lesbian does not make sense, it just feels right for me. Who cares I have too much to accomplish at this time. People from my old job have been offering to help me. They can hardly help their self.

1-20 of 68 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Feeling confused., posted August 9th, 2014
LOW, posted July 21st, 2014
Life on welfare, posted July 16th, 2014
SL 14, posted July 3rd, 2014
Heart Hurting, posted June 25th, 2014
Tea with a straight woman, posted June 23rd, 2014
Out of Homeless Shelter, posted June 19th, 2014, 2 comments
Shelter Life 14, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 13, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 12, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 11, posted April 15th, 2014
Shelter Life 10, posted April 15th, 2014
SL9, posted April 15th, 2014
Shelter life 8, posted April 15th, 2014
sl7, posted March 2nd, 2014
SL6, posted February 6th, 2014
SL6, posted February 4th, 2014
SL6, posted January 28th, 2014
SL5, posted January 27th, 2014
SL4, posted January 27th, 2014
SL3, posted January 27th, 2014
SL 2, posted January 27th, 2014
Shelter Life, posted January 27th, 2014
Week 1 at shelter, posted January 16th, 2014
Living in a shelter, posted January 12th, 2014, 1 comment
I'm scared., posted January 7th, 2014
Unemployed, posted January 2nd, 2014
Today, posted January 2nd, 2014
New Year's Resolutions., posted January 2nd, 2014
New Year 2014, posted January 1st, 2014
Vacation Plans., posted December 27th, 2013
My :( Christmas, posted December 24th, 2013
Many Bi s on Facebook, posted December 13th, 2013
Braiding my daughter's hair., posted December 11th, 2013
Bingo Time, posted December 9th, 2013
Just saw Catching Fire, posted December 4th, 2013
Just another day., posted November 26th, 2013
Natural Hair, posted November 8th, 2013
Comment on Post., posted November 6th, 2013
Want a new outlook., posted November 4th, 2013
It will get worse. I know it!, posted October 3rd, 2013
CNA job, posted September 6th, 2013
Why can't I move on., posted September 2nd, 2013
Getting ready for fall., posted September 1st, 2013
Schools out Lonely, posted May 30th, 2013
Feel, posted April 7th, 2013
Today, posted March 8th, 2013
My Diabetes, posted March 2nd, 2013
Forgot I had a blog!, posted February 7th, 2013
New Year 2013, posted January 2nd, 2013
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