empresslya's Blog

Insecurities 2

Today was a bit better. I told my girlfriend about the fact that people read my blog. I knew that when I told her that she would say that she wanted to be able to read my blogs. She thinks that I tell her everything and I tell her most things. She does not really want to listen to me talk so much, so why would she want to read my blog. She does not really care that much about my school. She has her own to deal with. I sometimes want to ask her about what her classes are like, but she does not want to share the experiences with me. She tell me some blanket statement and is done. She makes it seem like it is not interesting but I would like to know about how it makes her feel. I want to know what she does in class and what it is like. I can not understand what she does because I am not into technology that much. It is over my head. I know how to use a computer enough but not java and stuff. I can't give her this. This is where I can pour my heart out with no consequences. No one knows me personally here. I feel a weight lifted sometimes, when I write. It is that stupid time of the month again and I hate what it does to my emotions. I am sitting here typing and crying because I want her here with me so bad.  I'm listening to Jessie J and all I can think about is her. I think maybe I have to many pics of her. I actually made a collage of pics that she sent me and it is on the wall on my desk. I think of her of course. I have heard from her this morning. It is not enough. But I am going to just study. She is busy she has to go to work then to school. I have to give her a break. It is hard but not that bad. I think that she spoiled me in the summer and I'm hooked. Slowly I have to wean off of her. When I think of her I just feel something so intense, it is like butterflies then goes other places. We Skype and sometimes she just makes me laugh. One of the funniest things that she did was dance for me. She so did not dance like what I would thought. It is weird to think of her and just smile. Sometimes she looks at me a certain way then laughs and I laugh too. She can be so playful and silly. I like that about her. I love her so much. I don't know what the future holds and I am trying to be more optimistic this time. One funny thing about her to is that fact that the way that she takes pics makes her look like a different person. She has this maturity and child like  personality. It makes her so interesting. Sometimes I have no idea who I will deal with that day. I know that things are hard for her sometimes and she can just throw all her worries away and enjoy the day. I thought of proposing to her but then I did not know what kind of ring she would like. I think that we should wait before we think about marriage. She is young and I don't want to feel like I'm taking something from her. I have no idea what it means to be somebody's wife and neither does she. I still don't think that I could make her happy. In the beginning I could probably buy her gifts, but after she is done with school, she can do those things too. I want to know how to keep her love alive. I don't know how not to mess things up. I just wish I knew what it was that tore people apart. I want to do everything I can to stay with her, but I don't want her to be with me if she does not want to.  People change as they mature. The person that you are in your 20s is usually very different than the person in your 30s. We are not that far in age, but I have more life experiences because I'm a mom. The moment I became a mother, everything changes. It was as if something hidden in my heart revealed itself and blossomed. I love my daughter so much. I never knew love like that. It was so intense. I would be here all day writing about my experience as a mother. If I have a bad dream about her. I hold her tight. My body helped give her physical life but her life gave me purpose, but it also took something from me and gave it to her tying her to me in a way that is indescribable. I hate to even say this but I think that the reason that the Sandy Hook disaster was felt by every living soul was because of that connection that we parents have with our children. People sent toys but we all knew that there was nothing to fill the void that that monster put in people's lives. I don't want to talk about that. That was a true boogy man come to life. Ok that is all for today. I will have to write the blog for my lab. I don't want to keep feeling this feeling for my woman. We have not been together that long but we have experienced a lot together. I have no idea what she would think if she read these. I promised her that I would not lie to her so I will just tell her that this is just something for me. It is in a way my therapy. There are going to be some parts of my life that I can't let her visit. I am sure the same thing goes for her. It's just that I let her get away with keeping me at a distance. I don't push her and when I do, I don't feel good about it because, I know that it does not make her feel good. I don't know how I know but I do. She wants me to give her me 100 percent while she gives me 50 and then tells me that she tells me everything, which is untrue and she knows it. We are in different countries but I don't think that she realizes that we are not that different. Sometimes I think that she thinks that I have things easier. It's not that I keep things from her, you can't give someone all of you right off the bat. I have to have some mystery. OK going to study now.

Nursing Lecture 4

This chapter that was due to be read was 59 pages. I read 25 of them. I plan to finish the rest today. The lecture is the same thing. They go over the topics of the required chapter and answered any questions people may have. Even if certain people ask dumb questions in my opinion, just so the professor can know who they are. Some questions are good, but these 4 women ask stupid question all the time, even in lab. One lady that sat next to me kept looking at my notes and just kept staring. It made me uncomfortable. Then this woman next to me showed me something and she says what's that. I'm like, in my head, personal space ( curse word). I hated sitting next to her, I was 5 minutes late so I had no choice it was the door closest to the door. I had to keep peeing because I have been running on coffee, for the past few days. I'll try to get to bed no later than 12 am so that I can be semi well rested. As she is going through the chapters, I write the necessary notes. Then she gets to the part on certain anatomy parts and she says that we don't need it. I'm like hold on wait a minute. I raise my hand when she is done. I ask in the future how will I know that I should not read certain parts of the chapter. She says that it is in the syllabus. I printed the syllabus but I mostly stuck to the calendar. Some people say yes it is in the syllabus. Those full of lies idiots. I look in the syllabus, there is no subject topic list, only for some chapters, there was definitely not one for this long chapter. I like the woman next to me she is cool. I was going to ask her for her number but my phone is off so I did not ask her. I have internet and could Skype with her so that we can study. I don't know. We have lab tomorrow. I will see how things go. The welfare phone that I have does not have very good reception. She is also a grant student. We both really want to find a job. We went over that subject pretty quickly and we were able to cover everything in one class. I was a bit skeptical when I saw so many pages. It was physical assessment from head to toe. I had to study but I also had to go to a back to school night for my daughter. It was long and I did not want to be idle. Luckily I took pictures of some notes that they had in lab last week and I reviewed it while they gave these speeches about how they were able to continue providing excellent education to our children with so many budget cuts. I only saw one black employee there tonight. That one black woman was my daughter's teacher. I have come to accept that perhaps black people do not want to be teacher (not). I had teachers of many races but I remember there being more black teachers. I don't know. Many of the employees had strong accents and the speeches were given in English and Spanish. So it was drawn out. I just would have liked to see a high quality diverse staff. The school is performing really well so I should just get over it I suppose. 

Nursing Lab 3

I hate that I waited to write this one. So now I have to go off of memory that is a week old. Unfortunately for me I remember too much of it, because it was not a good lab day. I went into lab thinking that I was prepared. I go in and then we are getting ready to split up. One group will go to the lab and another group will do a math quiz. The quiz is just practice only the exams count for anything. I was on my way until my grant worker calls me in to ask me if I have received my books. I talk to her for about 5 minutes. Then I go to the lab. The woman who works there is an overweight blonde lady with a serious attitude problem. She looks at me and ask me if I am late. I tell her no, that I talked to my grant worker. She did not seem happy about that. She told me to go back to the class. The weird thing about it, was that the professor for the lab almost seemed intimidated by her. She is intimidating I will not lie about that. She is not scary because I have dealt with her type before. It was just a surprise because the other people that I have interacted with through out the process have all been quite nice with a deep passion for the nursing field. So I go back downstairs to do the math quiz. I realize after seeing the quiz that I have a lot of work to do, in terms of the math. I should have bought my math book, and regular book. I also forgot to bring my watch. After the quiz I go upstairs to work in the lab. She says too many people. Due to the tone of her voice a few of us were on our way out. She says no stay. She talks to us like she is superior to us. Oh well it is not a big deal. So we have to partner up with someone. It was just not my day. I get partnered up with this woman that will not stop talking. She talks about her kid and what is wrong with her medically. She takes up time just hearing her voice heard. I think that it is some personality disorder. I had to take her blood pressure and I could not figure out which way to turn the dial thing. I should have turned in clock wise but I kept turning it counter clockwise. Then I could not hear the first systolic sound. She kept asking asinine questions. It was so annoying. I will never partner up with that irritating person again. The professor comes to me and notices that I keep messing up. The air kept on being released. I was not embarrassed because it was my first time taking a blood pressure. Some people do it at work. My job only had the electric one. The rule is to learn the manual one first. It is an art. I have to make sure to not turn the dial too fast and pay close attention to the dial. I then did the apical ( heart beat) that was easier and I was done by one. It is easier to take your hand and move it up and down to help with the count when there is noise around, I was off by 1. I will do better next time. I am not able to sign up for the lab because the woman in charge the blonde lady. She was busy and we were unable to use the lab for over 3 weeks. Ok so after that we went back downstairs and we went over the quiz. It was not so bad. I have an idea of what I have to study and then we practiced more of the blood pressure. I sometimes forget where the radial pulse is. Luckily for me my partner in the lecture class was familiar with radial pulse and blood pressures. She told me that where my thumb is is my radial pulse. She also helped me with the dial for the blood pressure cuff.  It was helpful to continue practicing in the lab class. Then we went home.

Serious Incecurities

I know that I still owe my last weeks lab blog. I will do that tomorrow. Today will be about my insecurities. I am in a relationship with a woman that I feel strongly for. I am not in love yet but I feel very strongly for her. Well in the begriming I felt like she really liked me and everything was ok. Recently we have been having some problems. I don't want to lose her but I just don't know what to say or do anymore. She confuses me to no end. I try to make her happy by doing what she wants. I don't mind, I like pleasing my partner, I am perfectly okay with being submissive to her. Well she then tells me to stop trying to please her. I guess that it will make it boring. I just don't know what to do. We have the same arguments or discussions over again, because I know that she is not being honest with me. I don't think that she wants to talk to me as often as we speak. I know that I can be needy. I offered to not call her so much, I talk more than the average person. People who know me say that no one talks as much as me. I am trying so hard to keep her. I think that she feels strongly for me to. She said that she loved me, but I think that both of us thought that it was love because the feelings were so raw in the begriming. I don't think that she is attracted to me. I don't know if it's all in my head or not. She does tell me things like good morning beautiful but, I don't think that she means it. It is a long distance relationship so it is harder to tell. She does not look at me like she did in the begriming. She says that I am trying to find reasons to break up. Truth is I want her so bad. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her. But so many things are going on. I am not studying how I should because I am so obsessed with her. She has all these girls on her friends list and they are not as big as I am. All the women on her page or thick or skinny. I'm overweight. I did like some females pictures on fb, but it is not because I found them attractive like I wanted to date them. I just liked the pic. However, when she likes someone's pic, I think that she finds them attractive. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't even think that anyone can help me. I don't know how to feel like I'm enough. I don't even want to be enough. I want her to think that I am the most beautiful woman that she knows. I think that she is the most beautiful woman that I know. I think of her all the time. I think that she is so attractive. I think that she can get a woman that is more of what she likes. Then I think that if she did not want me why would she be with me. I can not answer that. I know that it's all in my head so I pretend to be fine. But she is on fb liking other females pics before she even calls me. I thought that it would be good for us to take a break, but I don't know what she was thinking, because she keeps her feelings from me sometimes. I guess to be the tough one. I am so confused and I know that she is sick of talking about it so I don't know who to turn to. I do see a counselor, but I don't think that she can help me. I just feel like crying lately. Every time she likes another woman's pic I feel hurt. I know that my feelings are irrational so I try to hide it as best as I can. I don't want to seem like a crazy jealous woman that does not trust her. She is right though. Sometimes I want to end things with her because I don't think that I am who she wants or could be happy with. How long can I hide my insecurities. I use to not care so much and now that I do it is too much. The last person I was with I did the same thing. I tried so hard for her to notice me. I never felt like I was good enough. People around me kept saying yuck, you are feeling some type of way for her. I now look at her pics and ask myself what was I thinking. I am the one that ended the fake relationship. I realize that what they were saying was so true. My woman now is not unattractive at all. She is strong and tall in just a little soft, which I like. I plan on going on a diet and exercising more to get more toned. I am losing a little weight but that will not help. I have no job, I'm on welfare, and I want to do all these things for her. She has not asked for anything, I just like to spoil the person that I am with. I want to give her everything that I can. I even want to carry her baby one day. Ok I do love her. I remember when she told me that I was beautiful and I tried to get her to tell me like 3 times. Finally she said. I just told you that you were beautiful. That made me feel a little bad too. I am going to lose her if I don't find some way to deal with this. I never felt like this when I dated men. I felt that they truly loved me when they said it. With females I feel so inadequate. I guess because I keep seeing all these other women that are so much hotter than me. They have jobs and some don't have kids so they have more freedom. I do have a child so I do not have as much freedom. She has taken with my daughter well, but I think that it is a lot to ask of her. She is young and does not seem like she is ready to be a mom in any way. It is not really anything that she has done, but she lives at home with her family. She is the baby in a way. I also want to have more children with her. Maybe one or two and I don't know if she wants that. Right now she says no, but I am hoping that she changes her mind. I want so badly to one day carry her baby. I even looked into it. She says that it is boring if I do what she asks, then gets annoyed when I don't do what she ask. Why can't things just be boring and perfect. She wants me to be shaved down there. But when I shave I get bumps and that is not a good look. So I shaved and now had to deal with bumps. They went away but she will think that it is an STD. I have to go to a doc before she comes to get all the test run. Scary. I know that I should have anyway. I should never have slept with the person that I was with before, but I have cloudy judgment when I am into someone. I have a pimple down there and I hope that it's nothing. If it is something I will tell her and deal with the consequences later. Is it weird that I don't care either way. I love her unconditionally. I would be with her regardless of any diseases, but I don't think that she feels the same way. That is understandable. We have not been together long enough for that. Sometimes I want to go back to not caring what someone thinks of me and not feeling like this. I thought that I wanted to find love but for some reason me being gay has stronger emotions. I don't understand why, I feel more and I don't like it. It is harder. I had a plan and I kinda want to go back to that. I don't know what she wants from me anymore. I don't think that I can maker her happy and I want to make her happy. Just like when I see toys that my daughter wanted seriously discounted and I bought them for her. I could have hid them until Christmas but I wanted to make her happy then and now. She was thrilled. I live to make people that I love happy, it makes me feel good. So imagine how I feel when I can't make someone that I love happy. I am going to keep going to counseling to sort this out. I hope that she can help me. I love her so much and it would be so (curse word) if I could not be with her. I have not been in a serious relationship in so long, maybe I forgot what to do. I am so lost right now. I want her to make me feel ways about myself that I should already feel. She should not have to spend her time validating my inner and outer beauty. I should not be jealous over her doing the same thing that I am doing. I almost want to delete my fb account or delete her as a friend and have her block me to avoid me acting so darn irrational. If I did ask her to I would look like a nut so I keep it in. I'm determined not to lose her. I will keep my mouth shut and keep it to myself. Hopefully writing will help me not feel so filled with insecurities.

Nursing school Lec 3

Today was interesting. Some people went by the syllabus and studied the wrong thing. I have to continue studying and catch up on the math. I will be able to do that this week if I stay focused. Me and my girlfriend do not talk as often so that we can focus on our studies, so I should be able to do it. I sat at the end today and had to pee so many times. I am going to cut out all sugary drinks and stick to coffee and water. I hope that helps. I also plan to find a way to work out. I have to do these things. So I have to write notes for 3 chapters this week and read 3. I have to read 2 to catch up and 3 to be prepared for Monday. I hate playing catch up but my schedule is not too hectic so it is possible. My girlfriend has to go to school soon, so I will send her a message take a nap then get the kids and make something very simple so that I can study what I have to. I am hoping to do 2 chapters in the math. I am currently on chapter 5. I have to be done with 9 chapters in 2 weeks. I plan on doing no less than 2. If I have a chance I will do 3. I will write the notes for the 43 pages and read a chapter in the book. I started the Education one so I will attempt to do that today. I should have done that yesterday. I will also attempt to write the notes for it and use all the other resources that  are at my disposal to practice this new found knowledge. I say attempt because what I do not finish today I will definitely do tomorrow. Then I should finish the required math by Thursday and be caught up with notes written and practice online material by Sunday. I will go to church on Sunday cook and then study until I can not longer mentally function. I'm not too behind, so it should not be that hard. I wanted to start a study group but I don't know. Maybe a few days before the test I will ask these two girls that live near by the school. I'll see. Even if we just give a few hours a week. One of the girls her cousin or sister completed the program. I personally do not know anyone that has completed the program. I know people who have completed LPN programs but not this one and most of them went to those for profit, fly by night schools. I am not interested in that. Ok I will write about my lab experience tomorrow and I will let you know home much I have completed.

Nursing school lab 2

Today I was late. Something that I have been dreading. I was not feeling well and had to use the bathroom which took about 15 min, TMI I know. It was raining pretty hard so I could not drive my usual speed. Once the car went up in the rain, I slowed down. Then I made a wrong turn and was late to class. She understood that the weather was bad  and I got a pass. As soon as I sat down they started on the vital signs. We went over what they meant. I think that she was impressed that we were on point with it. We were not going back in the book or anything. Some of the women in the class take vital signs at work. I only took temperature at my job so  blood pressure, respiratory, and pulse ox was all new for me. So we partner up and start the blood pressure practice. The girl that I partnered up with had done vitals before. She showed me the proper position of putting on the cuff. I thought that because I am overweight that the cuff would not fit, but it did. It was so cool I really heard when it started again and when the beat stopped. I did it. Reading it is still troublesome. I blinked and missed the number because I released the air too fast. I will practice some more. Today I did not crack the book open because I was constantly checking to see if anyone donated to helping me bring my fiance here for 2 weeks. We spoke today but briefly. She has been busy and so have I. I just want to see her so bad. I read the email wrong and thought that I had to go to a job fair today. I was dressed for a job fair. It is next month. I did not go in to work today. I will not have an excuse. I don't know what I will tell him. I will check to see if I have any personal days left. We can't go to the skills lab until next week. They will give us the info for the skills lab next week. They say that most people only go for one hour. Since I don't have work on Monday I think that I will stay for 2 hours. I will need to take 2 personal days next month. One for the Friday before the exam and one to clean my house and study. I am almost amazed at myself for how I am able to retain this information. There is a lot of repetition I guess. I want to start a study group with these 3 or 4 girls. Two of them made jokes about these two girls that ask the most insane questions. You know it is bad when the professors stop and look at each other. I know that I should not have but I did text my girl once while I was in class and twice when I had to pee. I was not distracted but I miss her. I did knew that when school started that I would not have as much free time but I had not idea that we would get so little time to stay in touch. Sometimes I think that I am losing her, but she tells me that she loves me and that everything is ok. I believe her, I just miss our daily conversations. She is so amazing. When I finish school I am going to spoil her rotten. Tomorrow I have errands to run. Laundry, ironing, mailing, and cleaning the bathroom, some dishes. Sometimes the house work takes a back seat. I have my daughter help out when it gets real messy, but I don't let her clean the bathroom or do the dishes or stove. I don't think that she is ready to handle that responsibility. Maybe when she is 12. I took some laxatives because it seems as if these few pounds that I gained would not go away. I bought the Walmart brand. It sure removed some waste. I got on the scale and it read 212. I was 215 just a few days ago. I have been going back and forth with 213-209. I can't seem to get past these numbers. Today I ate more protein and some carbs, but the juice did not help. Tomorrow I plan to have no more than one cup of juice and mostly water and low carbs. I walked a little. I hope that the weather is nicer tomorrow, then I can walk even more. I plan to go up all the steps and down a few times to have a little exercise. I really want to get under 200 that is the short term goal. Ok this will be it until next week. I plan to study this entire week and read the next subject, so that I am prepared for Monday.

Nursing school lab 2

Today I was late. Something that I have been dreading. I was not feeling well and had to use the bathroom which took about 15 min, TMI I know. It was raining pretty hard so I could not drive my usual speed. Once the car went up in the rain, I slowed down. Then I made a wrong turn and was late to class. She understood that the weather was bad  and I got a pass. As soon as I sat down they started on the vital signs. We went over what they meant. I think that she was impressed that we were on point with it. We were not going back in the book or anything. Some of the women in the class take vital signs at work. I only took temperature at my job so  blood pressure, respiratory, and pulse ox was all new for me. So we partner up and start the blood pressure practice. The girl that I partnered up with had done vitals before. She showed me the proper position of putting on the cuff. I thought that because I am overweight that the cuff would not fit, but it did. It was so cool I really heard when it started again and when the beat stopped. I did it. Reading it is still troublesome. I blinked and missed the number because I released the air too fast. I will practice some more. Today I did not crack the book open because I was constantly checking to see if anyone donated to helping me bring my fiance here for 2 weeks. We spoke today but briefly. She has been busy and so have I. I just want to see her so bad. I read the email wrong and thought that I had to go to a job fair today. I was dressed for a job fair. It is next month. I did not go in to work today. I will not have an excuse. I don't know what I will tell him. I will check to see if I have any personal days left. We can't go to the skills lab until next week. They will give us the info for the skills lab next week. They say that most people only go for one hour. Since I don't have work on Monday I think that I will stay for 2 hours. I will need to take 2 personal days next month. One for the Friday before the exam and one to clean my house and study. I am almost amazed at myself for how I am able to retain this information. There is a lot of repetition I guess. I want to start a study group with these 3 or 4 girls. Two of them made jokes about these two girls that ask the most insane questions. You know it is bad when the professors stop and look at each other. I know that I should not have but I did text my girl once while I was in class and twice when I had to pee. I was not distracted but I miss her. I did knew that when school started that I would not have as much free time but I had not idea that we would get so little time to stay in touch. Sometimes I think that I am losing her, but she tells me that she loves me and that everything is ok. I believe her, I just miss our daily conversations. She is so amazing. When I finish school I am going to spoil her rotten. Tomorrow I have errands to run. Laundry, ironing, mailing, and cleaning the bathroom, some dishes. Sometimes the house work takes a back seat. I have my daughter help out when it gets real messy, but I don't let her clean the bathroom or do the dishes or stove. I don't think that she is ready to handle that responsibility. Maybe when she is 12. I took some laxatives because it seems as if these few pounds that I gained would not go away. I bought the Walmart brand. It sure removed some waste. I got on the scale and it read 212. I was 215 just a few days ago. I have been going back and forth with 213-209. I can't seem to get past these numbers. Today I ate more protein and some carbs, but the juice did not help. Tomorrow I plan to have no more than one cup of juice and mostly water and low carbs. I walked a little. I hope that the weather is nicer tomorrow, then I can walk even more. I plan to go up all the steps and down a few times to have a little exercise. I really want to get under 200 that is the short term goal. Ok this will be it until next week. I plan to study this entire week and read the next subject, so that I am prepared for Monday.

Lesbian couple getting ready to meet

I am trying to raise money for my girlfriend to be able to visit. She is from another country and we only have 2 weeks in January, while I am on break from school to be able to see each other, after that we will have to wait another year due to our hectic school schedule. I went on gift forward to ask for donations. If you are able to click on the link and donate anything if you can. Any donation no matter how small is welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this.This is the link, just type it into your url and the page will pop up.

Nursing school

Today was another difficult day for me. I planned to sleep early Sunday night so that I could be well rested for Monday morning. Then my friend calls me close to 12 am to tell me that he is engaged. I think that he mainly called me in an attempt to stay awake, but what are friends for. I stayed up on the phone with him a little past am. Not in my plans. I am early as usual to school and as I am sitting down I notice that people have notes. That is when I realize that I took my folder out of my backpack and it's at home. Luckily I am always early and I ran downstairs to print out the power point notes. Which I must admit I do not find to be that helpful. I just wanted to make sure I had it because she asked us to have it for next class. The Prof. walks in but it is a different Prof. She acts as if it is completely normal to have a diff Prof., so I go with the flow. She was very nice. I just love that they seem to have a passion for nursing like the one I seem to have. It is weird at first I wanted to be a nurse because I knew that it was in demand and paid well. I was a CNA for so long, that it comes as second nature to want to work with the elderly for me. I am not that interested in working in the hospitals because of the 12 hour shift. I know it is a 3 day work week, but I do not see why someone should work that long. I can understand if it was one day but 3 is too much for me. I want to spend time with my family. I do not want to be MIA for 3 days and asleep 1 which leaves me with 4 days. I am not that close with my family but I cherish my daughter and when my future wife comes, I want to be with them. Money is not everything to me. She will be working to after she comes so that will be a help. I can not wait to have a family. I may even have a baby. I don't know yet. Ok back to school. We are going over vital signs. For me this is a tough subject because this is something that I think I need to do hands on, which I will be doing tomorrow. She went over stuff in the book and I wrote some notes, but most of the stuff that she said were in the book. Some of the stories that she said were interesting and very helpful. I'll tell you one of them. She said that her niece was practicing vitals and asked if she could take everyone's vitals. So they agreed. When she did her husbands' his BP was 200 over something. She thought that something was wrong but they re did it and it was the same thing so they made an appointment with the doctor. He had the one that was genetic. I forgot what the name of it was, because he was not a smoker, ate healthy, was not overweight. He had to go on meds. The morale of the story was take vitals, they are important. He was seen by the dermatologist earlier and they did not do vital signs. They did not have to but it would have helped. Since hypertension can be a silent killer. I was able to stay awake because I thoroughly enjoy this. I have to take a test for Hep C soon. Lets hope that I'm ok, I am a bit nervous. I also have to pay for the CPR class. I'm going to call on Wednesday to get the info. I am not sure if it is a one day class or longer. I want to dance so bad, but no partying and it is too late to dance. I'm also going to look for a nurse practitioner to schedule my blood work. I have a lot of things to do to prepare for next semester. So far things are going at a good pace. I am glad that I did all my pre- reqs. I took a shower this morning so I smelled good. After 2 hours I noticed that there was a smell. It smells like nasty personal area. I was already sitting there for two hours before I noticed the scent so I could not move. It was the girl that was sitting next to me. I wanted to hurl towards the end of class. I am sitting at the desk near the door. I plan to get to class super early just to get the seat. I hate having to get by everyone when I need to use the bathroom. I think that it will be better. One girl came in 2 hours late. I don't know what happened. I heard her saying on the phone that she was in a car accident. I hope that they know that they can not keep coming to class late. There were not that many late people today maybe 4. I know that there are time that you are going to be late but I make an effort not to be. I am someone who i always late. I am working on it. I have my therapy session tomorrow. It's nice to talk to her. I thought that my girl was mad at me and usually I let stuff like that get to me but I am so determined to get this degree that nothing phases me. I love my girlfriend very much but I have been working towards this for many years on and off. it is time for me to finish.

Practical Nursing Student experience

I am now in the nursing program at my local community college for Practical Nursing. I have asked many people that have gone through the process for some insight and they give me no feedback. I am not sure why they are not willing to impart some of their knowledge with me. I am going to give you my experience. It will be from a prospective of a single mother that is currently on welfare. How I ended up on welfare is explained in my other blogs if you want to know about that. I know that some people think that people on welfare do not work. I will tell you the truth of my journey. I may leave out some things because of the fact that it should be kept to myself. Ok I am going to school on Mondays and Tuesdays. My class is 5 credits. Since my class is 5 credits and I am in the program the welfare office gives me 10 hours of of my required 35 hour work week. I work at a senior housing building doing housekeeping. They will not hire me because they enjoy the free labor. We work like crazy. Working with men is so much easier than working with women. I work with one woman now, I use to work with another one but she caused so much drama that they had to get rid of her. The other girl that I work with is ok. She tries to leave early every day with one excuse or another. I don't care, because when she cleans with me she rushes and because we are working together it reflects on me. I don't want to say anything to the boss about her because she has been there for a year and they have a relationship ( strictly platonic ). It is not a real job so I will not cause any problems. I will keep my mouth shut unless necessary. The lady who is in charge of us welfare "volunteers" almost tried to get rid of me because of my reduced hours, but because I am a good worker the man that is my boss said I am not going anywhere. First day of class was hard because I stayed up all night trying to catch up on the math work, which I did not have to because she gave us an extra two weeks because not everyone had the book. Some people come from NY to my school for this program, because of that there were a lot of late people. At first they were late no more than 15 min. One girl had her make- up done. I would have ditched the makeup-up to be on time. So the Prof. begins by telling us of the rules and the fact that if your cell phone goes off during an exam instant 0. It will not be tolerated. She gives us some info about what to expect and we should have read the chapter on communication which I did not do because I still was getting used to using the program that tells us our schedule. Which was not up until a week before class. She explained how she believes the quizzing that they implemented are helping more people pass the class. The quizzes are not worth anything towards your grade. We will have 4 exams. The first 3 exams are worth 20% of your grade and the final which is cumulative is worth 60% of your final grade. Recordings are not allowed in the class. I bought my recorder just in case, but I knew that I would have to ask for permission before I used it, another woman asked. The quizzes are not worth anything but they should be done before the deadline and there are unlimited attempts. There were some people who had side conversations near me. There was also a woman that insisted on asking me questions. The Prof asked if anyone had any questions and she remained silent. I am a student just like her and I do not want to be responsible for giving out any wrong information. I told her that I did not know for many of the stuff and told her to go into the program to find many of her questions answers. I tried to get a parking decal during our 40 minute break but several others were attempting to get help from the 1 person working in that dept. So I just chilled until class started again. I got to talk to my girlfriend, who lives in another country. When the day was done I went home. I still did not study the chapter. I forgot what I did. I think I was fooling around online and cooking and stuff. By the way the lecture is 4 hours long. My Prof seems nice and I can see the love that she has for nursing. As we were leaving people waited to ask the Prof. questions that they did not want to ask out loud due to the personal nature. One woman is standing there waiting and other people just jump in front of her. She gets so irritated that when the third person does it she gets mad and loudly voiced her opinion. The Prof. says hold on hold on. She then tells us of patience. I knew that that was coming. She says that she has a train to catch ect. The girl that jumped in front of her pretended that she did not notice her standing there. She did she was just being impolite. I waited as people jumped in front of me. The Prof. noticed that. You have to be able to keep a level head. Day 2 is lab. Lab is 3 hours long and we get a 30 minute break. I bought my lunch on this day because I will not be spending money that I barely have. I also braided my own hair to avoid having to do my hair in the mornings. I also braided my daughter's hair to avoid having to do her hair as well. It took 2 in a half days for my daughter's hair and one day in a half for mine. I did mine bigger. I don't want to have to worry about hair. So I go into lab and I did not bring my text book because my Prof. from lecture told me that I would only need the study guide, wrong. I don't like working in groups, especially if I'm not feeling the group. There are two girls that seem cool though but one is iffy. I may partner up with on or both of them if they don't live in the city. She give us the rules and then we start with the communication exercises. The lab was really good at reinforcing the communication chapter. I realized that I needed to keep up. I pretended that I was ok when we had another group exercise. I knew that I would get the answers so why bother. We got the answers and all was good. We had a part where one girl asked what do you tell a patient when they say when am I going to die. It was so funny because the Prof. in the beginning said that there were no dumb questions but when she asked that the Prof. had a look on her face like are you serious right now. The girl explained that she worked in hospice and the patients asked her that a lot. So the Prof asked the class what do you tell a patient that asks you that. Duh I don't know. She explained that you can only say only God knows if you know the patient and their religious views. Then I had to run to my work activity. I worked and left at 2:45 to pick up my daughter, I did not get the childcare set up yet. I took care of that the very next day. When I got home I read the chapter and made my own notes and took the online quiz at first I got a 90 and took it again and got 100. So now I am going to start to study vitals. We started at CH 10, we seem to be all over the place. I printed out the calendar so I would know all the subject that we would be covering and my first exam is the next week of October. I am so nervous because if you fail this class you have to wait a year to attempt to get into the program. We were also informed that we now have to take a Hep C test because one of the places where we would be doing our clinical asks for it. So lets hope I don't have Hep C. Because then my dream of being a nurse will be postponed. I don't think that it is fair to exclude people because of that because I have worked with so many Hep C patients. That was my experience this week. I have been on face book way too much and talked to my girlfriend when I should be studying. I am going to stay focused. I will be going to bingo tomorrow because I am so desperate for money. I will bring my books to study. I will get there early so that I don't miss out on any studying and when I get home I will probably study for a few hours before going to bed. I have no intention of being exhausted in class again. If anyone has any questions feel free to comment.

Feeling confused.

My extension got approved. I want to find a job in the hospital or office. I am a bit worried because of the Ebola thing. Me an J are completely over. I speak to her and sometimes talk to her because she meant something to me, even though I meant very little to her. She kept things from me and as much as I cared for her she made me feel like crap at times. We were so different, I did not feel comfortable with her. It was like walking on eggshells. So I joined some groups and I met a female from overseas. I don't want to believe that I'm being catfished. I went to her page and she had so many females on it. I had no idea what to think. I don't look like those women. I would have to lose like 50 pounds to come close to what it looks like she likes. She has seen pics of me and we talk all the time but I don't know how real it is. But then I hear her voice and all of my concerns dissipates. I have sent her money already and she did not even ask. I have lied to her and I don't know why. I guess because I was embarrassed about being unemployed. I had a plan and now I have to change it. I have not actually looked for work this week, but I plan to tomorrow. I feel like me and her could be together forever and then I feel like I should have my fun while I'm here. But I don't want to be that kind of person. I like her a lot but I think that I told her that I wanted a relationship because I did not want to lose her to someone else. That is a selfish reason to be in a relationship with someone. I want her to have her fun but I don't want her to fall in love with anyone. I know that it is hard to prevent. One minute I am single and afraid to approach women. Now that I left my mom's house and I'm on my own, I feel more confident and I want to have fun. That being said I am terrified of STDs. I see a lot of people walking around with herpes on their face and I know people with Herpes on their nether region. I also do not want to have to worry about STDs. I like the idea of being in a safe monogamous relationship. The thing is she is so far away. I want to go on dates with her and hold her. I was planning to save some money to visit her but I don't want to spend all that money. It would be better for her to come here and spend time with me. We could be so much freer here. I want to go on dates with her, hold her hand, cook for her, dance with her, sleep next to her, stroll in the park. I want to go shopping with her so that she can buy the clothes that she feels comfortable in. I want her to be able to enjoy the same liberties that I have. I want to make her my wife someday. Of course I want her to ask me and I don't care if she buys me an expensive ring or a cheap one. I just want us to be together. I am busy and so is she. I have to focus on school so yes, if she were here now it would be a distraction but the minute I finish school and pass my boards I want her here with me for good. I keep recalling the intimate times that I had with J and I feel guilty for it. But I have only been in this relationship for a week. I don't want to be with J, she was a substance abuser and she was mean. She is just the only woman that I have been with recently. I want to get her out of my system. I did not even love her, which is why I have no idea why she keeps entering my thoughts. I even took and HIV test because I did not trust her. She told me that she had no STDs and she had herpes. Then she did not even apologize for lying to me about. It was oral and I did not get it but still. I guess I was attracted to the whole bad girl thing. I don't want to mess this up but I don't want to be played for a fool. At least I will be putting effort into school.


I still have no idea if my extension will be approved. I am very apprehensive as to what is next in my life. I am starting school in a few months and the welfare office decreased my hours by 10. Because they are social workers they do not understand what it is that I am doing. Yes it is only a few credits, but I will be in school for most of the day and the work is grueling. I like the job that I have. I don't get paid for it since they do not seem to hire any of the women. One or two men were hired from the workforce advantage. One woman has been there for over a year and they will not hire her. I would actually like to be hired by them because working there is not very comfortable because it is hot and they do have some asbestos in the building and bed bugs and mice. But the boss is a chill dude. My daughter's camp is not close so I can not afford to drive there anymore. I will have to get the bus pass option and ask them for before care because there is no  way that I can bring her to camp and make it to work on time. They call it volunteering. I guess slavery would not make for a good title. I did not volunteer it is mandated. I do have the option of leaving with no notice if I do not like the assignment. I really work to, I think that is why I get a bit frustrated. If I could not work there I would like to work at a hair salon but I do not think that the hair salons are interested in having welfare people there or they do not know about this  program where you get people to come in and work at no cost to you. Imaging companies not running to get this. Only one of the women I work with is lazy. The men work hard but one is homeless living on the streets and has some mental issues and he smells bad. However, his mental issues do not effect his work. They put on suits and remove all the furniture and get exposed to the bed bugs and have to patch up holes to keep the mice out and they are hot, we all are hot because the ac is not enough for the building and we are just hot. We are not allowed to show skin which is not easy because of the constant sweating. Sometimes when I am stuck with the steps dust from I have no idea settles on my entire body. I wish that I could wear a suit and goggles for protection but no one else ask so I don't either. It is 9 floors up and no air, unless a breeze comes by, which does not happen often. I do wear a mask because after two times of dust getting in my lungs I could not handle it anymore. The other girls do not use masks but I do. Me and my daughter are doing more family things. J is kinda back in my life but only through text. I am trying to put myself out there to maybe meet someone, but I keep going for people that are not lesbian. Oh well maybe when school is finished things will get better.

Life on welfare

I was given TRA which pays for my rent until I can get a job. However you are alloted 3 years for you lifetime and being in a shelter is included in that time. Yes they would rather have you in a homeless shelter and pay 2x the amount of rent. Why I have no idea how the system came up with this. So because I have been in the shelter 4 months 9 years ago and 5 months now. I have almost reached a year. After one year you have to reapply and if approved you will have to do it again every 6 months until your time is up. People who have a major illness and are showing signs of dying and people who already have had child protective services in their life get approved faster. I do not have any of those so I have to wait and see if I will get approved. Even though I am almost done with school. I have not gotten involved in certain things that would hurt my child, I actually have less chance of being approved and I have only been in the apartment for 3 months. I have been looking for work but there is nothing out there. Even when I was a CNA I could not afford the fair market value now. Where I was living before was infested with mice and spiders. the window was broken from the storm and I had to blacken the window with plastic to avoid being seen. In the winter it was ice cold and in the summer it was hot as hades's armpit. I also had no stove and no freezer nor was I allowed to get one. The lady downstairs from me loved to have parties and the landlord like to practive voodoo. It was not a nice place to be at. Now I have to wait and see how things go. I have decided to stop flirting with the girl that I was interested in. I figure why make her uncomfortable. I use to call her and try to stay in touch but I am not going to put in all the work. I spoke to J again. She was not nice and wanted to continue an intimate relationship. She is a substance abuser and I do not know what she has been doing for or because of drugs. As much as I miss her she is so unhealthy to be with. I have to go and get tested for diseases because I have no idea what her status was when we were together so I don't want to go and make my situation any worse. She told me that she did not and never wanted me so she can kick rocks.

Shelter Life 14

OK so this will be a bit different because I have not been at the shelter in a little over a month. While I was there Lin started to act weird. She stole my food and then cooked it in my face. They took my last bit of food her and this other girl named Mira. I knew it was them because they had no food in their fridge. Then she claims to have a job and that she was moving out because of the horrendous conditions ( which she was a part of). She claimed that her boyfriend was making 26 dollars and hour and that welfare was going to pay for their deposit. Which was a blatant lie because she had sold all of her foodstamps to take him out for his birthday. Then the following month she sold all of her foodstamps to spend a night at a hotel with him, with her daughter in the room. She was a hot mess. She was arguing with people and was Miss Arcy's pet. The woman was in love with her and let her get away with almost anything then would turn around and tell the staff that she had no idea why Lina thought that she could get away with the stuff that she did. So now Mira who was always yelling and beating her kids had pushed the staff too far. A woman got fed up when she cursed her out. I was already on my way out and I had known that they were going to get rid of Mira but I said nothing about it. I got pissed that those women stole my food so I went to the lady in charge and told them that they needed to monitor people's foodstamps. So that month they asked to see receipts from everyone. Many of them had spent less than 20 on groceries. Which is odd seeing as how one of them had 3 kids. They really spent their money on getting their hair done and nails and all that typical stuff. Ok so there  was one night when this woman named Mailin ( house alcoholic) got fed up with her young pot smoking bunkmate. She told her to stop talking loud on the phone and the young woman refused. She pulled her off of the bed and beat her with a belt and locked her out of the room when she was done. It was like 1 am. I just heard the young woman screaming for Mailin to let her in. Then the pregnant alcoholic got upset and started yelling at them to stop. Which was weird in my opinion because she does nothing all day. She ended up having her baby early and the baby in now suffering from a multitude of problems. I think that she is more interested in the SSI coming her way. She is one crappy mom. To think that dyfys comes in and has no idea what is going on. That young girl was so embarrassed because she use to talk so much crap. Mailin said she was gonna beat her the way her mother should have. Wow, was that a funny day. This woman comes in with her son. She seemed cooled. The first night that she was there she cooked some hot peppers and we were all hacking. She seemed cool. I thought that her personality was a bit rough or mannish. So with in that week, something unexpected happened. ( There are few secrets in that place) So her and this other woman named G got caught in bed together. Miss Lizbeth goes in to do her room check at night. She walks in and sees the covers moving. She leaves and checks the other room. She sees their sons in the room. She then goes back to the other room and sees them getting dressed in the bathroom. Miss Lizbeth is a little old lady ( not that old) but God fearing so for her to walk into that was a lot for her to take in. Then the aggressive one follows her through out the night to say what are you going to write down, nothing happened, I was just consoling her, etc. The next day they were told that they had 5 days to get out. The aggressive one decided to leave the following day. The other woman G who had just left a man that was beating the crap out of her had no where to go. It was messed up. I was so irate about that decision. If you are a drug addict, fight, drink all day, argue, and steal it is ok. But the minute you do some lesbian stuff you get kicked out. To this day Mailin is still there. She had upset all of her roomates because of her drunken antics. Mira and Lina came in with their vouchers and the staff told them that they did not want them there. Lina left Mira decided that she was not going ot the other homeless shelter because it was in a bad neighborhood. I told her to go because she had no choice. She went against my advice and got help somewhere but they put her in a shabby motel and that was only for a month. I guess she did not like the motel and chose to go to the shelter. I found it odd that she did not want to go there seeing as how she is ghetto beyond belief. I guess she was mad that she could not steal food anymore because they way that they were set up stealing food was going to be quite difficult. She had a room full of toys. I asked her for one and she was like sure, I never saw a thing. I also had some info for her that would help her get into an apartment sooner but she is selfish and I don't like her that  much.  Other thing are going on there I will write about it later because these thing are getting long.

Heart Hurting

So I found out that this woman that I have developed feelings for is hitting on people of both genders. I am trying to not be too hurt by it. But the feelings are there. I knew that I would end up heart broken the minute we starting this little fling. In the beginning I thought that she wanted to start a relationship but she quickly shut that down once I was hooked. I'm torn on whether or not being with her was a regret. I hate regrets because of the fact that what is done can not be undone. I am trying to stay busy and she has not contacted me after I let her know that I deleted her number. A part of me wanted her to care but I realize that I was only deluding myself into believing that she had any real feelings for me. I'm going to pride so that should take some of this pain away. I did not want to be single. We were only together for 5 months so I think that this summer will help me to get over my infatuation with her. I know that she had so few positive character traits. I have no ill feelings towards her. I hope that she does find what she wants. It just was not me. The smartest thing that I could have done was a shouda couda. Listening to Sam Smith does not help lol. At work these lazy girls are making me look bad. I don't like working with lazy people and that seems to be what I have to do. I spoke to one girl because she was young and I told her that I have no intention of speaking to her about it. I just want to say it once. I am not her boss or in any management position, so I am not in a position to tell her how to behave at this work site.

Tea with a straight woman

Ok so I still have no fridge or mattress. I have been using a cooler to keep things cool but now I have no money for that. I have 20 bucks to my name and most of that will go to gas and feeding my daughter. I had coffee today and water. I am hungry but being dangerously overweight I think that I will be fine. I am expecting some money to come in. I paid for something and I am to be reimbursed for it. I am expecting the money this week so that will leave me with a nice amount to pay for food for my baby. That being said, some good and uncomfortable things are going on in my life. I have to find a gyno. The one I had is an old man and he wants to retire. This time I will look for a female gyno. I do not know why I have been comfortable with men in the past but a friend suggested that I would relate more with a female. I have to get all those test run and I'm a bit scared because any time I am with someone I get scared. She claims that she was std free but I should have been smart and asked for proof. So now I am worried. I just hope that I am ok. I have also decided that I will take losing weight very serious. I have been losing weight merely by chance, I want to speed things up because I do not like what I see in the mirror when I am in my birthday suit. I want to exercise though I hate the start of working out. I think that I will go home and try a video because I do not have the gas money to drive to the gym. I may also walk around town a bit and check out stores. Now this weekend I had tea with a woman that I met at the shelter. We are similar in terms of personality, but she is smarter than I am and I'm a bit more outgoing then she is. She came over and we had Tazo tea. It was really good. I'm more of a coffee drinker but I did not feel like making two drinks. We had snacks and talked for hours. I did most of the talking but she was interested and interesting. She is so pretty and I  love the fact that she is so smart and uses big words. She just intrigues me. One bad thing for me is that she is straight. I was wondering if maybe she would be interested in being with a female but I just don't feel right about it. She seems set in her ways and I would be in a position where I would potentially lose a good friend. I am not ready to take that risk. But how can I get over this little crush that I have. She is the complete opposite of the female that I am kinda still with. We are not official and have not been together in a few months now. The fact that I no longer trust her, also makes me ready to move on to someone more my speed. I mean this woman is a complete square as she would say and I just feel that I could be content with her and vice versa. I have no idea what to do. I can not keep going to the city to meet other lesbian women. It is costly. My one friend met a woman in an entirely different country. Granted it is connected to the US but that is still far. I'm sure there are other square, attractive, West Indian women out there, that are also lesbians. I think that I should start working on getting some really nice kittens because I see my future will be littered with cats.FMLRN. I am screaming in my head right now with frustration. I have so many positives going on in my life but no love. I also have to go take std test and I am anxious as all. Plus I have to get this diabetes thing under control. I know that I can not starve myself and eating crazy. I plan to eat better when I can afford my fridge but until that time comes. I suppose I will give my digestive system a short vacation. I have no idea what I will be having for dinner. I suppose water. My baby will have rice that should be enough I hope. I am all registered for school and I begin in the fall. By the year 2015 I should be completely done with school and only have to worry about that test. I am a worrier and I get anxious easily. I keep myself stressed out. Screaming in my head again. Ok that's it for now.

Out of Homeless Shelter

I am no longer living at the homeless shelter. I have a nice apartment that I am trying to furnish on a small income. I am very happy with the new changes in my life. I still go by the shelter and speak to some of the ladies. My daughter goes to school nearby so I see them and we always talk. Some of them are nice and some I am glad that I no longer live with them. The stories continue with them but it's too much and I am away from it. I still have very litttle furniutre but I have, for the most part unpacked my things. I have been filling up my igloo with ice to keep some things cold, which is eating away at the foodstamp cash. I am saving for the fridge. I saw an apartment size fridge for 320. I tried to get one used but it keeps getting purchased. It would have been real nice to get one for 150-175 instead of 320+tax. I gave my daughter the room which is big. I will use one of the closets and put one dresser in there, but for the most part it is hers. I am so happy that she has her own room. We are sleeping on a twin air bed. It is not that comfy but it gets the job done. They make them durable now. I am happy with the purchase. I still go out looking a hot mess. I wanted to look nice when I go out but I just do not have the time. Which I hate because I'm still single. I want to have someone special in my life. I go to school soon so I will not have time for dates and stuff. Iwas hoping to meet someone at least over the summer. I was still seeing the girl from the shelter but she has no intentions of entering into a relationship with me. I tried to win her over but she has informed that my efforts were in vain. It hurt but I have to accept it for what it is. I met another girl at the shelter that I like as well. She is the complete opposite of the other one. I seem to have a thing for older women it seems. Not that older maybe a few years older. I have signed up for websites but everyone is either far or not a paid member. I thought of paying but I don't have the money. I am going to pride in a few weeks. I am excited about that. And things are falling into place. Except my love life. Oh well at least the most important things are being taken care of.

Shelter Life 14

Today was not as uneventful as I would have liked. It started of really nice. I go to the gym with one of the ladies here. I had a phenomenal workout. I was able to run for a full 15 minutes I could have gone longer but I did not want to push it. Then something happens to the woman that I am falling hard for. I could do nothing to help her and she was gone before I got to say goodbye. Then me and the other woman go to the gym and start shooting some hoops. It was nice but then we come back to the shelter and we have to go to group. I usually enjoy group. I did not have to go but I did because it has been pleasant in the past. This time one of the ladies here decided to go. She usually does not go to these type of things. She was vulgar, rude, and monotonous. One other girl was just acting like she belongs in a psych ward. I spoke to the man later and let him know that there are fights there on a monthly basis at this point. The women are at threshold. I feel that something may be about to happen and I don’t know what to say. I know that I will have no part of it. If something is about to happen I will just leave to avoid any of it. I will get the details later but I do not want to see women beat the mess out of each other. I don’t like listening to the arguing either. They just get loud and belligerent. I am so over it. It looks funny on TV but I don’t find it entertaining at all. So I just had enough. I took a nap and then woke up and took my daughter out to a buffet. The food cost me 30 dollars plus tip. No more of going to that place. They made the place look nicer but they did not have anything special. The man that was working the Hibachi grill was not even friendly. The drink was good though. I only had one and it did not have much alcohol in it. So I come back do my chore and then we are watching TV. We decide that we should maybe bring the kids to a sitter and go to Atlantic City for a weekend and just have fun. Then one of the women says yeah and maybe you can drive. No the mess I won’t be driving. Why would I take on the responsibility of having people that I don’t know that well in my car? No it is not going to happen. I have no idea how we will be going there but it will not be by my car. Then I have to be sober as a nun to drive back while they get to get wasted no thanks. We did want to get a little tipsy and watch a movie here on Friday. One of the girls says that she may leave if she gets some money. I’m just mad that the one person that I would have enjoyed this day with is gone. I know that it seems crazy and that we are moms and at a homeless shelter. But we had lives before we came here. We had things before we came here. And yes most of us are all on welfare but this is temporary. I am doing what I have to do. I am looking for work. I am not looking as hard as I could but I am looking. I will be graduating from my class this week. I stuck with it. I am mostly glad that it will be over. I did learn a lot from it. If someone would just call me for an interview I know that I could land the job. I do need to buy a watch I think that will be good they say that employers pay attention to that. I do like watches. I was hoping to get a job working with watches. Like I said I have some weird things to like. You would not look at me and say she likes watches. I also went to Michael Kors and bought some glasses for 102 dollars. I was like I can’t believe that I am doing this but I did. I have not worn them yet. I have to get some contacts and new glasses. I want to feel beautiful. A part of me thinks that because I am watching these reality shows with them that it is influencing me. I see these women looking good and I want to look good too. I have to get my hair done again. It is not hard because my mom does not charge me much and I tend to shy away from hairstyles that are expensive. I’m going to take my braids out this weekend and get kinky twist. I usually get them only up to my shoulders but this time I will get them longer. I also want to go to Mac and replenish my makeup it will set me back another hundred. This is why I need to get the rental assistance and find a job because I like things. I have always been a shopper. This time I plan on being a smarter shopper. I am not buying as much. I am choosing quality over quantity. Ok nothing else has happened.

SL 13

I come in and for some reason Kia a girl that I was friends with comes to me and tells me that I am a phony friend. I have started to notice that I have lost weight and bought some clothes to look nice in. Of course I wanted someone to notice me and it worked, but I never got the response that I wanted. So Kia goes on about how I did not greet her when I saw her. I told her that I saw her that morning, which was a few hours ago. She tells me that I should say hi to her every time that I see her. She has now begun to irritate me because she was being rude for no reason. She was also doing this in front of people. If she had a problem with me she should have just spoken to me. She then tells me what I am going to do about it. I tell her that I am not going to say hi to her every time that I see her. I tell her that she is just going to have to deal with it. I guess that she did not like my answer because the next day she does not speak to me. I would usually have spoken to her but this is not the first time that she has gotten rude with me over not getting enough attention from me. I am not her boo. I do not have the time to invest in her anymore. I am not starting something with someone here and I want to focus on that. The woman that I have begun to talk to has opened my eyes up to the fact that Kira is a crazy selfish woman that acts immature. I realize that she is taking advantage of me and that I do not like hanging out with her that often, because she is annoying at times, not all the time. At this point I could not tolerate her as much as I use to. She had started to do things that I felt were disrespectful. She has a song on her phone that was her ringtone. It was laced with profanity about sex. She would be with me and my child and that phone rang all the time. I said to her that I thought that it was inappropriate on many occasions. She finally changed it after about 3 weeks. Then I took her out to run errands with me when we had a little non talking period. We go to the store and she begins to twerk at that cash register. I try to ignore her and she just kept on going and tried to get my attention. It is bad enough that she either wears thongs or no panties with leggings to attract attention, but to twerk in the store as well. It was embarrassing and inappropriate.  She needs too much attention for me. Then we go out and she insist on finding clothes that are attention getters. She then looks at these shorts that would clearly not fit her and would leave her with exposed skin. We tell her that she should not buy them so then she talks about the shorts all day and about how they would fit and that she should buy them. The other girl that has now joined our little group tells her that the shorts are beyond inappropriate. She then talks about them the next day and decided to go in search of them. She wants me to drive her around the corner. I say no we are walking I am not driving. She say oh you going to make me walk? I was pisses when she said that. You have a boyfriend that is a drug dealer and you are and adult. You would think that you would have purchased a car by not. I am not making you walk. You not doing what you had to do is what is making you walk, not me. She began to think that I was her chauffer. I was so sick of her talking about those shorts. I felt out of my mind then she went to store after store. I was so over it. I was ready to go. Now she asked me if I could drive her to her chiropractor. I say fine since she harps on about how she cannot sit on the bus because it hurts her back too much. I don’t know if her back is as bad as she says but I give her the benefit of the doubt. I start doing her chores for her with the other woman. She walks around and does nothing. I understand that her back hurts but she cannot even wipe down the stove tops. If she had her own apartment how would it get clean? Now my special friend says if you were not here how was she going to get there? That comment does stick with me. I do not tell her that though, because I do not want outside influences to influence my friendships. Zia asks me if I could take her son to school and bring her to where she needed to go. I agree but I also agreed to take Kia to her doc apt. I decide that I can do both. I was wrong. As I am bringing Kia, Zia is getting upset because she wanted to be dropped off first. Kia is upset too. I told Kia first so I bring her first and hers is first. I then tell her that I will be back to pick her up. She wanted us to stay with her for her appointment initially. Plans got changed after that. So then I go to take Zia’s son to school and then back to town. I then get ready to drop her off and she gets mad at me because I yelled at her. She has raised her voice at me and it is ok but I get upset and raise my voice it is a problem. She did not speak to me for the rest of the ride. I am doing all of this on bad tires and bad struts. Then I drive back to pick up the Kia. Mind you I had so much to do for myself but I put them first. I decided not to do that anymore. That was the last time that I took Kia anywhere. So now we are not speaking after our spat. I ignore and just stop talking to her altogether because I do not have time for the nonsense. I am much older than her and what she wanted was not going to happen. She had even told me that she had been in a lesbian relationship in the past and wanted me to stop talking to the woman that I was interested in. You are dating a drug dealer and you are being critical of my potential relationship. I don’t like when people go there with me. My heart listens to no one. It finds someone and that is that. It does not mean that it will last or be the one but I listen to my heart. Now she has made comments about me but I just ignored her. She then made a comment that I would be crying etc. I later find out that she told whoever would listen that day in the common area that I hooked up with Zia. I was pissed about that. So now I am pretending to be her friend to avoid any more drama. I don’t dislike her though. I really did consider her a friend at one time and sometimes I do miss being friends with her but I can no longer trust her. Especially if she is going to blurt thing out. That was not the first time. I stepped away from her when one day she made some comments about Zia. I asked her to stop and she said no and continued to talk about it loud in the kitchen. I then realized that it would be wise for me to entrust her with anything. I then told them that our relationship was over and made some things up. Some were true but not the serious things.  I thought it was the woman that was next door to Zia. I thought that maybe she heard us and started to tell people but one of the women here said no. She said that Kia made a little announcement about it when you two were fighting. I knew that she knew because something happened and she apologized to me like she knew that we were together. I asked Donna if everyone knew because I was just hearing too many comments. She said yes, most people know and that it even traveled to the other building. I was not happy about finding this out. She is still friends with Kia but I told her to be careful with her and that she cannot be trusted.

SL 12

This one will not be that long. I am sitting down watching TV. I and Kia are not speaking at this point. I see her in the kitchen and think nothing of it. I saw her talking to the staff earlier in the office and I thought nothing of it. Then Tina comes in and says you talking all that stuff on Instagram let me see how tough you are. Kia does not say anything at first, then she says what that B say, I don’t want your man. Then I go upstairs and tell Zia what just transpired between Kia and Tina. She gets excited and she says that she is going down. I go back down. At first I thought that it was drama. But then I see that they are really going to fight. People are trying to hold back Kia. Then Tina gets pushed outside. Kia says I’m not going to do anything to you because you have a heart problem .Tina says F that B why the FK you talking to my man. They push Tina outside and they do not let her back in. Now Kia is going out to fight her. I may not have been talking to her but I am not going to let her fight Tina. She has a bad back and the other one has heart problems. So then Zia comes down and ask me to take care of her son. So I go up and take care of her son. I get him ready for bed. She later tells me that I should have put his thing down in the diaper. I don’t have a son and it has been so long since I have taken care of a boy that I had no idea. She woke up to him peeing all over. Ok so now she come to the room and tells me what happened. She tells me that Tina comes back in and that Kia was in the office and she leapt to fight Tina. They are fist fighting. Then Lina jumps in the middle of it and says if anyone hurts my baby blah blah. Then why was she jumping in a fight of women that are bigger than her if she is so concerned for her baby? Then Kia trips off of Lina and Tina who want a fair fight does not beat her while she is down but they say that Tina threw the most punches. They break up the fight and Tina gets her hand slammed in the door as they pushed her out. I then go downstairs and Kia ask me if she had hit me while I was holding her back I say no. I sit there and Lya goes on about how her hand got caught in Kia’s bras strap. They talked about the fight over and over again like it was cool. I did not think that it was cool at all. Then Jean says to her that if I had a son I would not jeopardize my shelter over a man. She said that she did not like seeing pretty women fight. Then Kira tells her to stay out of her business. Jean was a bit upset, but she tells her that she is completely right. That it has nothing to do with her and that she should not have even commented on it. Jean is a drug addict and alcoholic but she is smart and perceptive. One day Kia was telling us why her grandmother kicked her out. I know the whole story but she only tells people the part about the fact that she got into a fight with a family member and that her grandmother threw out all of her and her son’s things. Jean says no, you did something to make her do that. She was right. Then I go to Tina because I am no longer talking to Kia and I talk to her about the situation. Everyone says that Kia threw the first punch but that was not the truth. So I tell her to keep her mouth shut and that they all say that Kia threw the first punch and to stick to that story. She tells me that she was posting things on Instagram and that Kia started to show people the text and then people kept coming to her about it. What happened was that Tina’s boyfriend befriended Kia on Instagram (she poses well but does not actually look like her pics) and then I guess Tina found out and some comments were exchanged online. Kia had told the staff that there may have been a fight and told them all about the Instagram thing. So the staff on that shift left a message for the next staff to not let Tina near Kia. Somehow the messages got crossed and they thought that it was another woman. The staff member was mad because they do not want anything like that to happen on their shift. This staff member is handicapped and could not do much anyway. Tina never really like Kia that much and she let her know that. I hope that the fight was worth it for both of them because they were worried that they would have been kicked out. Tina would have been ok but Kia has burned too many bridges and she has nowhere to go. Her son was with her grandmother at the time of the fight because they had painted in the building and she claimed that her son could not stay here. He was with the grandmother for two weeks and in that time she did not take the boy to school for one day. She received letters letting her know that she would have to go to court if he missed any school and that DYFS may be called on her. But now she just had to worry about what would happen to her. They were both told that no one was going to be kicked out but then. Tina gave Kia dirty looks for like two days then she got over it. I remember Jean telling them that he is going to be with who he is going to be with. She only knew that they were fighting over a man. To Kia’s surprise they moved her to the other building. The other building is a demotion. You do not have your own room, you have to share and one room is bigger than the other one and you have to share a bathroom. You also have to leave in the morning to come to this building and stay until 2. You can make your food here but only for lunch. They tend to steal our food when they come. Many of them just hang here all day if they do not have some welfare program to go to. So when then told Kia that she had to move, she was pissed. She cursed the staff out and one became upset and let her know that she would not continue to disrespect her. She said that people were moved for different reasons. I knew that it was BS. Kia had pushed the envelope too far for too long. She would curse at staff, ignore them, and do what she pleased. She said that she could not do any chores because of her back and she had a note from her chiropractor but when you leap and fight someone when you could have just went to your room, the people no longer believed her. She told them that her back was so bad and that she was in immense pain and that she had to be lying down in bed for most of the day. I must have missed that when she was twerking and dancing. She made it seem like she was an invalid. If you must lie down most of the day then how can you take care of your son? I told her to stop saying that before she loses him. She is mentally disturbed and she tortures that little boy. He cries a lot and he knows about adult things because of her. There have been times when I had to let her know that she was being inappropriate around the kids. She acted like she did not say anything wrong. She moved across the street and she was upset. She came in the next day and she continued to tell them that she should not have been moved and that she was not like the other able bodied females. That she was too handicapped to be moved. At least she was not thrown in the streets especially after fighting.

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Previous Posts
Insecurities 2, posted September 29th, 2014
Nursing Lecture 4, posted September 29th, 2014
Nursing Lab 3, posted September 29th, 2014
Serious Incecurities, posted September 28th, 2014
Nursing school Lec 3, posted September 22nd, 2014
Nursing school lab 2, posted September 16th, 2014
Nursing school lab 2, posted September 16th, 2014
Lesbian couple getting ready to meet, posted September 16th, 2014
Nursing school, posted September 15th, 2014
Practical Nursing Student experience, posted September 13th, 2014
Feeling confused., posted August 9th, 2014
LOW, posted July 21st, 2014
Life on welfare, posted July 16th, 2014
Shelter Life 14, posted July 3rd, 2014
Heart Hurting, posted June 25th, 2014
Tea with a straight woman, posted June 23rd, 2014
Out of Homeless Shelter, posted June 19th, 2014, 3 comments
Shelter Life 14, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 13, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 12, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 11, posted April 15th, 2014
Shelter Life 10, posted April 15th, 2014
SL9, posted April 15th, 2014
Shelter life 8, posted April 15th, 2014
sl7, posted March 2nd, 2014
SL6, posted February 6th, 2014
SL6, posted February 4th, 2014
SL6, posted January 28th, 2014
SL5, posted January 27th, 2014
SL4, posted January 27th, 2014
SL3, posted January 27th, 2014
SL 2, posted January 27th, 2014
Shelter Life, posted January 27th, 2014
Week 1 at shelter, posted January 16th, 2014
Living in a shelter, posted January 12th, 2014, 1 comment
I'm scared., posted January 7th, 2014
Unemployed, posted January 2nd, 2014
Today, posted January 2nd, 2014
New Year's Resolutions., posted January 2nd, 2014
New Year 2014, posted January 1st, 2014
Vacation Plans., posted December 27th, 2013
My :( Christmas, posted December 24th, 2013
Many Bi s on Facebook, posted December 13th, 2013
Braiding my daughter's hair., posted December 11th, 2013
Bingo Time, posted December 9th, 2013
Just saw Catching Fire, posted December 4th, 2013
Just another day., posted November 26th, 2013
Natural Hair, posted November 8th, 2013
Comment on Post., posted November 6th, 2013
Want a new outlook., posted November 4th, 2013
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