empresslya's Blog

I have thoughts and feelings that I want to share. I'm getting filled with feelings. Not happy or sad just feelings.

School is going ok. I am struggling in math but I think that I can bring it around. My psych class is a joke, but I'm getting an A+ so whatev. My daughters father asked me to call him but he never picks up when I call so I have no intention of calling him. He is so weird. I don't have time for that bs. I think that I was over hime when he told me that he slept with one of my stepsisters while we were together. That is one thing that you do not do to someone. Sleep with people that they know. I felt disgusted and humiliated. To know that you would do that and that person would know and I was in the dark. I wish I knew when it happened that way I could have been done with him sooner. I know that his life is a mess from other sources. karma is a bitch. He chose to not be a dad to his child, what did he think would happen. I think that him abandoning his child is pathetic. Now she wants nothing to do with him after he promised to stop by for her birthday with a gift and never came. That was after he apologized for not being there for her, telling her that he loved her and then stopped calling and everything. When he called all I said was hi and gave her the phone. I did not even speak to him so that he did not say that I was making him deal with me so that he could be in his child's life. Oh well.

So now I have to get ready for this math class that is killing me I am not good with the slope thing. I am trying hard to get it though. I am going to the tutoring but its still confusing. I want to move down south so bad. I don't like it here anymore. I just have too much to finish here that is why I stay. I started something and I want to finish it. When I finish the nursing I may go to nursing school somewhere else. I want to go to Maryland for a bit but I don't know. I hear that it is a bit pricey as well and is a bit similar to NJ. I want something else, somthing a bit calmer and nicer. I know of two people that went to NC and they like it a lot. Of course NJ will always be home because I have so many memories here but I don't want to just stay in one place never experiencing what this country has to offer. I did not get into the program yet and I have done so many classes here why not just pack up and move. Its cold here I need something new. Why not?

Of course having any type of disease is a pain in the rear. I don't know why I pretend that it was not real. I was on track getting better than, I just fell off. I got real sick a little while ago. I had to call out from work soak my feet and check my blood sugar. It was over 500. I went online read a little and ran and took some medicine that I have stopped taking because of the side effects. The side effects were a bit embarrassing so I thought to stop taking it. I know that I have to really put in the effort if I do not want to take the medicine. I may not need to take it if I can get my eating and excersise habits in check. I have to make time to just excersise one hour a day everyday. I purchased healthy foods but I was still drinking sugary drinks. I am going to have to do a 360 on how I have been doing things. I was really scared. I did not want to go to the hospital because I just did not want to. I was lucky to have some meds, it should start to bring my levels down by the morning I should be ok. I felt this horrible cramp in my foot and I just knew that something was wrong. I want to make this private because I do feel ashamed at my stupidity. Especially since I am a nursing student and I should know better. I don't know why I just ignore things hoping that it will go away. I want to go to work but I just did not think that it was a good idea. I know that they will be pissed. I will just stay home clean up study and excersise for like 30 min and then another 30 min. You should have seem me today gorging on shit that will kill me. I know that I enjoy eating but I don't want it to do me in. I have a child to live for. How selfish would it be if I died because of food. That would mean that I loved food more than her. I should know better. I am beating myself up because I can't believe what just happened to me. I can't even tell anyone because I know that they will get all worried and then take it as an invitation to parent me. My job will not find out. I do not want them to think that I am unfit. I will fight this. I will. It has been a littl over a year since my diagnosis. I got it under control when I found out I will do it. I do not want to lose my body and have it depending on machines. I do not know if I can completely fix the problem with diet and excersise I will try and if I can not after 6 months then I will go back on the medicine until I am where I need to be even if it means shooting myself up with insulin.

I know that this will sound weird but I forgot that I had a blog and some new things have happened. No I did not lose weight and no I am still single. School is ok so far. I just need about a week to catch up on one class but that is ok I will make the time needed. I finally filled out my application for the nursing program but I have yet to hand it in I plan on doing that next week. My child is lovely. There is a kid that we know that has some emotional issues. I would like to help the kid out but the kid has parents I don't want to get involved and upset anyone. Ok back to me nothing to report. I don't have much going on except being a studen mom and employee at the time. I want to be someone someone special but that has not happened. I could make someone happy and I hope that they'd want to do the same for me. Ok I have a boatload of school work to do.I am avoiding my friend because he wants to talk and I have school work which is weird because I wanted to talk to him so bad earlier.

I have high hopes for this new year. So far there have been a few set backs but it can all be taken care of in a few weeks. I am still optomistic. I feel good. I have a lot of energy. There are still some troubling matters that need taken care of in my life, but it will be resolved soon enough. New Year new me.

I am enjoying her at this age. I see her growing up and I wonder what it will be like in a couple of years. She is just so perfect now. We have fun together and she respects me. I see the transitions of celeb kids and my own little cousins and I do not welcome it. I just hope that I can let go and that she does not go to far. I should not even worry I have plenty more years before the teen years.

This year has not been so bad. Yes I go through the occasional emotional rollercoasters,but it does not last long. So now I have put in papers to work significantly less. I look a hot mess right now. It takes a lot of work to look cute and a little bit of money. I have been preoccupied with school and parenting that I had little time for myself. I plan on changing my unhealthy lifestyle and just taking everything that I have learned and apply it to an improved me. This will hopefully be the year of hotness, love, and advancement. I know that I should not be all gungho but I am optomistic. There are people in my life that I care deeply for and I fear what this new year will mean to them. One is in poor health and is too scared to get a bone marrow transplant which could cure her disease. I even offered to get tested for her. I would gladly give her my marrow. But her doctors are against it and she is scared that it will kill her. Another friend is making some dangerous decisions and will not heed any warnings from me. It hurts me that the two most special people in my life have these hurdles. They are truly wonderful people with big hearts. They have showed me what it means to be a friend. Since at times I have been selfish and unavailable to them, while they are there for me ( one I had known since I was 5 and the other when I was 18). I trust them and there is nothing like being able to trust your friends. I don't ever envision us fighting over anything serious.

Ok enough of that, there I go getting emotional again. I don't let many people in because I hate to feel. Something about the hurt feelings because of loss or whatever scare me. I actually avoid it when I can. I also hate the feeling of betrayal. That is why I don't have any new friends. Except for the one I think that I have with one person on this site. I have let people in and been betrayed and I just close myself off after bad experiences. I know that I should learn to let go and not carry it with me, but that is just how I am.

I am not sure how my plan will work. I will have to be organized and diligent. I am like the messy guy from the odd couple. I loved him because he reminded me so much of myself. I also plan to come out next year but not til my birthday. I have this new thing of using dates to do big things. Like I changed my work schedule on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I was interested in Wicca but no one wanted to try it with me so I decided to forget it. I might get some of the chlothes and tha crystal ball and some sage cuz it looks cool. I know I sound like a silly child. I have loves sci fi and I have read about magic for as long as I can remember. It just seemed like a natural progression. But I am scared of it a little so it will be fine. I still have my books and movies, that is good enough for me. I am an Atheist but I have been Catholic, then a Christian, now an Atheist. I'd rather not believe, just like I don't want to feel.

I really like this site. I ramble on and only a few people read it but thats fine. I just feel good writing this on the net. I use to write in my journal but, I want people to know me even if they do not know who I am. When I finish school I hope to make my family members that have some fatith in me proud and for my mom to see that I have potential.

I don't know why but I am so sad so often and there is one person in my life that I feel is my kryptonite. That person is my mom. I avoid her when I can but there are times when we have to interacts. Espcially since we live in the same house. I don't have the time to go into detail about our tumoltuous relationship. I have hardly slept I have finals in just a few days and she is yelling at me and threatning to throw me into the streets. So what could I do I told her ok. That seemed to enrage her even more. I mean what am I to do. I have very little money and I have a child to take care of. I am doing the best that I can. The she wants me to go lie and commit fraud so she can save money and I refused. I just cried a little. I did not even really yell back I am just too tired to keep fighting a stupid war with her. Then she tries to make me feel bad by calling me names just because I would not commit fraud for her. I have had to live with her for so long. She is manipulative, mean, and mentally ill. I am just gonna take a shower then a nap and hope to feel better in the morning. I don't mean to be a dead beat downer. I am not sad all the time (really I am not) Its just that sometimes something happens and I get really depressed and I have to nudge myself back to balance. I am getting so much better control of my emotions. Maybe I do eat to feel better. If I am I should find something else to feel better. You know how sometimes you do things without really realizing it. I guess I am trying to fill the void from the absentee father, mentally ill mother, lack of family ( they don't tend to like me and vice versa) We are a cold bunch that separates into our own little cliques. I just want to put on some Eminem right now, but I can't because my cousin came to my house and stole my things.

So I have decided that I will cut my work hours. I do not want to remain at the job, but if I have to at least I won't have to be there often changing diapers and smelling shit all day. I am going to take time out to improve my health, finances, and outward appearance. I have no idea how rough this will be but I plan on doing it. I believe it will make me happier and give me more time to spend with my daughter and friends. I want this new year to be the begining of something special ( ME!!!!) I have been helping people and leaving myself out. I want to immerse myself in work with a purpose. I go to work and do the same thing all the time and it is exhausting physically but not stimulating mentally. A trained monkey could do my job. Maybe not but it does not require much intellect. I hate that fn job. I hate that I work there, I don't like the way that I am treated. I know that is how the work place is. Happiness is important with out it people leave this physical world. I want to try to get some type of enjoyment from this place before I croak. Being an Atheist makes me want to enjoy the physical world now.

Ok so I bailed on a test today. I pretended to be sick because I was so busy this week that I did not have time to study. I know bad. Then today I planned on studying but then I went to go get tested with a friend and it took so much time. So I wanted to work per-diem and focus on school since my body really hurts from my job and I fear that things will get much worse if I choose to stay. So I do plan on finding something else. I wanted to be a waitress but no openings, though there should be because I have seen some crappy and sometimes gross wait staff workers. So now I have to look for a new field. I want to go to hair school but I am not sure how to start it. I mean I can probably take my moms clientele since she is hardly at work and I may be able to get financial aide. I know that no one wants to go to you if you are new but I think that it would be a better career choice than CNA, where your body takes a beating everytime that you start and the pay is crappy. The benefits are the only good thing. Now about moving my mom had a hissy fit when my sister decided to move out and my brother already left so if I leave she will be double pissed but she sucks as a mom. She is just an evil woman. She so messed us up so that she could use us for as long as possible.

None of that really matters I will see how much the other hair schools cost. I know that thing in NJ just cost more because thats how it is out here. I will still go for the nursing just not right now I will wait for next year or next fall. I would rather do hair anyway. Ok that is all.

I sometimes am running low on energy. But now I am about to move. I have been losing weight. I just cut back and stop eating at like 6 pm. So far I have lost 5 pounds yeah me. I have a lot more to go but that is at least 5 less. In the next two or three months I plan to be out of the 200s and then I feel that it will be easier from that point on. I have 28 pound until that happens.10 to 15 pounds a month should do the trick. I have not excersised. Mathew Mc. said that its more to do with what you put in the the energy exerted and seeing as how he is taking his role way too far. I will go with what he says. They could just do it digitally, why risk your health for a role. Especially when you are a known actor. Oh well, I am suppose to move in some odd months and I did not pack a box yet. I wonder how soon I should start the packing lucky for me at my job I can get some decent boxes. I already have like 5 but I will need a lot more. I also plan to save my papers. Now I will slowly purchase things like bubble wrap and package tape. I will not miss this little place but I do have a lot of memories here. It has not been horrible just slightly unpleasant. I still have not made up my mind yet. I want to  go somewhere warm but I want access to the beach. It is important to me even though I don't go all the time. I am not going to school next semester because I am done with prereq. I wanted to take that bio class one more time but I don't think that I will have the money in time. I will try to get a better grade. I was going to look for another job but what is the use when I will just be leaving before the year is out. I think that I will start packing 2 months before I leave but I will need help. Maybe I will just have to pay to have the car transported because I don't need help with any furniture seeing as how I don't have much. I only own one thing that I would need help with but I am not taking it because I do not think that it can take another move.  A part of me is so scared since Jersey is all I know but you have to do what you have to do at times. Its gonna be so weird I have moved out on my own but never like this. To a place where I don't know anyone. I mean I do have a few friends that have moved down south but not like my bf. I don't plan on making any I really just want a better life.  I just have to make sure that I don't move anywhere racist. I will continue to do my research and I hope it goes well.

Ok, so the holiday season is upon us and family and loved ones are around to share this day with you. Aren't fairytales nice. If you have read my post you know that I am poor. Not living on the streets poor but working class poor.  So I have made a few irresponsible and detrimental financial decisons as of late. So now I am stuck working as many extra hours as humanly possible. Because of the field I'm in I can usually get a few. I don't even think that a few days are enough. I am going to have to inquire about as many double shifts that may be also available. I hate to disappoint my little girl but I will have to. I am also disappointed but I am an adult and have become accoustmed to this lifestyle. I don't watch tv at home but she watches it at the babysitter and at friends house. She sees these cool useless things that she wants and I can't give it to her, it would put me in financial disaster. If she wants to watch something she can, but I do feel guilty that I have to forego the holiday traditions. I am trying to make amends. I am going to a friends house and plan on buying her a gift or two. Yes they are not expensive but I know that she really wants one. She is not too picky or greedy so I am happy for that. She is a great student and is excelling in school and has been impressing me this past year with her ability to grasp knowledge. Yes she is still a child and has much more to learn and the degree of difficulty will grow, which she will detest, but that is to be expected seeing as how she is my child. I keep telling her next year will be better and I am proven to be a liar once more. I have decided to stop with these promises, seeing as how I can not predict the future. Being a real single mother is challanging but I am doing the best that I can do, with my limited education and employment opportunities. I do not want people in the real world to know of my dilemma, its not that I am embarrassed but what can they do. Another reason is that I don't think that it matters how many presents are under the tree or that we have a tree. I think that when it is possible for me to have the traditional holiday it will mean so much more. To put myself in a bigger financial hole for image's sake seems even more irresponsible. I am still learning about how life works. My mom groomed me to be a wife not an independant woman. I do not fault her that is what she learned and to be honest I don't like her that much and I don't think that she is a person that I should be taking life lessons from. She is an evil witch that has really fd me up in lamens terms. Enough about her. I can be lazy and procrastinate but I will get a hold of this thing called life. I am making some better decisions but I have also continued to make some bad ones. I am learning of the consequences. Because I have changed my life around to get a degree, I have to understand that I have to cut back. When I was full time life was a bit easier, but working part time has its drawbacks. I should have saved a little rainy day money before I took that leap. Its too late for me to do anything about that now but I will think about the things I do before I do them from now on. I feel so good writing this down. Don't get me wrong I am still unhappy and in a bad mood for no really good reason. Well there is a reason but it would take too long to write it down and may be a little TMI. Next year I should feel better. I plan on taking some extra courses to optimize my employment choices and making smarter financial decisions. I may even take a class in that or rent a book. You would think tha at my age I would have a better grasp on these things. I plan on teaching her so much so that she is prepared to be independant. Happy Thanksgiving.

Ok so the guy that I was considering is a total douche. So I thought that he went down there with someone but the way that he was talking I thought that maybe I was mistaken. So I was going to consider it, but I still asked didn't you go down there with someone and he's like yeah but I can have friends and have fun too. I was like yuck I didn't like him anyway so its not like I had hurt feelings or anything. But he did help me snap back to reality. Why would he do that to his girlfriend and child. Whatever at least its not me.

So now I can continue to crush on the girl that sits next to me. I am so stressed out about school but she makes it a little easier. I just wish I did not have to go to school looking a hot mess but I was so busy today. I don't know her that well but her look is my type. I know that she is prob not gay or into me since I have a lot of work to do to make myself more appealing. I have started but its still not there and won't be for some months. I can handle that maybe I will meet her later. Ok I have papers to touch up write later.

Ok so this guy is talking to me like he likes me and may want to be with me. I don't like him obviously but he is nice and I have not found one girl to go out with. He is a truck driver so I would not have to see him that often. I've faked it before and no one really got hurt. I don't know what to do. I know hime but I don't know him well enough yet which is where the dating would have to take place. I thought he had a girl and everything I guess he does not. I want to get info but just in case he is just playing I don't want to say the wrong thing and ruin a cool online relationship. I mean I have known him for a little while but we did not speak much and then he moves. Then all of the sudden he is comfortable talking to me online. It is wrong to go out with someone just because they are convinent, I know. But I am on the online sites. I don't know of any lesbian bars and I have been single for so long. I don't even crave the touch of a man nor am I looking foward to it. Hopefully I can play the I want  to take things slow line. How long can I get away with this is to be seen. Maybe he is nothing more than hot air. Why could it not be the girl in my class that all the sudden I noticed and would prefer to date.
 
This girl in my class that I did not notice because I thought just another young college student. But she spoke to me a few times and sits next to me all the time. I know that she does not want me she is so beautiful and I am well still in progress you can say. I just have to lose weight I am very pretty. Some people use to fawn over me, but there was always some chick that was prettier so I am not that conceited. There is always a Giselle to bring you down to Earth. I just want to be given the chance to meet other lesbians. She has no visable tatoos and she is so sweet when she talks. She wears glasses like me I hate crushing on people. It does not matter anyway this semester is almost done and I will probably only see her in passing ( big maybe). I am looking foward to going to French class now. It does not matter if I go on time because she is usually late like me but I will make the effort for myself and to get a chance to see her walk in. Too bad I did not lose this weight before the semester started. But it still does not matter now does it since it seems like every girl is straight. I feel like there are only like 10 lesbians in Jersey.

I just hate this and I hate what I might end up doing and moreover I hate that I may not get a chance to ever be happy.

I have been on Netflix and watching teen mom. As I was watching this I just wanted to talk to my daughter's father. I do not want to be with him, I just want to talk. I want to have an honest dialogue with him about the decisions that he has made. I just want to know why he decided to not be a father to her. I want to know why he wants to be a stat, it makes me feel awful for me to have my daughter be fatherless. I guess I want more than I a dialogue. I want him to feel like shit for living up to the expectations set forth by people that do not value people like us. I want him to cry for taking away love from such a wonderful little girl. A part of me really dislikes him and has no respect for him as a man. To hear the comments that my daughter makes when she sees people with fathers that care. She does not know that there are men that are not with the mothers but love their children. I know that she wishes she has a dad. She has said some things that break my heart. I know that I chose him, but I was so inexperienced and young, I had no idea how my decisions would effect her. I was selfish and thought with my heart instead of my head. I know that this will never happen, maybe its for the best. I honestly do not know I still have a lot of life to live and I do not have a crystal ball so I have no idea what will happen in the future. I honestly thought that by now he would have matured and that his wife would realize that I no longer want him and that would cause him to ask me to be a father to her. He still plays these little games by texting sporadically asking about her but he does not really care because he does not ask any specific questions like school and health and happiness or anything. I can only be happy that I have only one child and I did not repeat the same mistake of having a child by someone who is not worthy of the title father. Its silly I know but it feels nice to write my feelings down.

My job sucks and my paychecks are so small. I have been borrowing from those loan companies for two years almost now. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok I have had power now for a few days. I felt cut off from the world and ill prepared for Sandy. I actually felt my house shake, I never thought that I would feel that here. I had no kit, all I had was a small flashlight that I purchased from Walgreens last minute. Someone was kind enough to give me a candle. I use to be scared of candles but what choice did I have. I acutally fell asleep with the thing on but it was in this huge thick glass vase and when I woke up it was still burning. The first day of the storm I was not really worried I though that it would be like Irene so I just called out from work and waited.

I was confused on when the actual storm was going to hit. After a few hours I thought that it was not so bad and went out and did some grocery shopping, it was after I posted it on my fb account then one of my old friends let me know that it would be hitting later. When that wind began to howl and my house started to shake, I was so scared. I did not know what would happen. I have never experienced anything like this before, I know that it seems silly but I thought that there was a real possibility that I would be killed in this thing. I just went to bed and hoped for the best. When the wind blew I felt it. It would blow real hard then there would be a brief calm, then it would begin again. I tried to calm down but I just kept getting anxious with every burst. Finally I fell asleep and was determined to just get to work. I did iron my work clothes 10 minutes before the power went out so I was ok to go. I was also fortunate to have hot water. I had no clean clothes but the most important one was taken care of. I also cooked food the night before just so we could have something to eat. I had no electricity so I had no idea how bad thing were. I wen to work like normal. Some people had difficulty getting in but I was fine. Then I heard that my job had no electricity, I thought no biggie, they have a back up generator and it should be good for months. Then I find out that we had free breakfast, how thoughtful of them. It was not that good but what beats free. I scarfed it down then went to work, no time to waste, it gave me a stomach ache though. Then I went home to my dark house after stopping by the babysitter. So we ate food from work and left overs and played some board games. I was ok with it at first, but then I became stir crazy. It was so early but there was nothing left to do but sleep. Day two, I had no work so I went to my friends house. I thought that I could get some studying there since my house was so cold, She had heat but a lot of little visitors, they were boisterous, but they gave my little one a break. Then we go outside and talk to the neighbors and joke and tour their old slave owner house and talk about the  haunted house. We were cold but no one wanted to be indoors, we were out there well past dark. It was enjoyable but I did not want to go back to a dark house that was cold. But what could I do. I went back and ate cereal. Then I went to sleep, I had no idea what was going on because I had no access to the outside world. I was in this little bubble getting bits and pieces of what was going on. Finally the radio starts talking about it and I felt sad for a lot of the other people who lost everything. I do think that people need to stop living in flood areas and near the beach but that is not possible yet. I am worried about one friend that I know lives there. I know that she was not there during the hurricane but I hoped that she had a home to go to. At 5 am Thursday morning ( give or take) I see light, I was elated. I actually called people, only because I had no idea when I would see it again.

So now it has been close to a week. I have no idea what is going on with school. When I call they say check your email. That pissed me off, not all of us have generators or phones that come with all these features, I just can't afford the bill. So I have no idea what is going on. My job is still running on a generator, which does not work how I thought it would. I thought that it would be business as usual. I can't go into what those things are but we have made due with what we have to work with. Now there is so little gas that they have implemented this odd even thing. Some people are upset by it but I think that it is a wonderful idea. I put some gas in and I feel bad that I only waited like 10 minutes, granted I did have to drive to three gas stations along the way before I found it. I was like lost asking people if they knew where the gas was. I called my boss, since she sent me on that goose chase. I am going to thank her to pieces tomorrow. Anyway I was not really planning to go, I can be cavalere about things at times. I drove home to drop people off then went back in the direction I started at. I don't care though I do not mind helping people out. Now I post this, I did know that there were people who waited 6 hours but I just post things sometimes.

Then I see a post from an old school mate that lives in South Jersey, she was chastising those posting those comments because she felt that it was rude to the people that live near the water that lost everything and had no idea if help would come. I do see her point, it is hard to know where the help is and if it is safe. I wanted to apologize for boasting. I realize now that it was distasteful. I said nothing because I know her and she knows that I meant no harm by it. But it has helped bring me down a few notches. My problem are trivial compared to others. Today is the first time that I saw the pictures it was tough. I just don't know what we Jersians are going to do. Some of us are ok for the most part and some of us are destitute, I would help if I could but I have very little and I just can't. I only have a boxes of pasta and sause and a few cans and 2 gallons of water. I have no money to give and I am an atheist so I can't even pray for them. I don't know what will happen and it scares me.

So this storm is suppose to come and I have to decide if I will go to work or not. I went to work last time there was a tropicl storm and those nurses had us working like it was a typical day and not like we all risked a lot to get there. They did not even pitch in to help a little. I lost my car driving to work that day. I want to show that I am dedicated by going to work but to lose a car. I don't have the money and they are not even willing to pick me up. The last time they picked us up they refused to bring us home. Luckily the train was working by the time the shift was over and a nurse gave me and my friend a ride to the train station. My job hardly goes out of their way while we the employees are bending over backwards. I want to go in because I don't want to call out and lose a whole day of work. I will just see what happens. I forgot to mention it took me 3 hours to get home. Gas is too expensive. I  have made up my decision. I will not go.

Ok so today I went to meet a group of lesbians in the area. I was late because someone needed my help with something and it was really important. So I get there like an hour late they acknowledge me for like 5 minutes then I am just standing there and not included in anything. So I did not really get upset because the town was nice and I like visiting nice quaint towns. I like visiting them because they are so oderly and cute. But I would not want to live in them because they are just too suburbian for me and just a little weird. Any way I was bored so I called my friend who was down and too my luck he was up to hang out. So me and my bestie went to a club and I got the vodka penne. I had a feeling that it would not be that good but I just figured what the heck. So I had that and a drink. This was my first time in a bar. The first bar I went to was very loud and crowded and I could not get the bartenders attention, but the second one had more room. Then we did not want to go home. I was a bit sleepy but for some reason today I was down. My daughter was at the babysitter and I have not gone out in a really long time like this. So then he suggest a gay club. I was a little worried but I said why not. So we go and I fall asleep a bit, since it was such a long ride. Then I get there and it seemed cool but it was a bit dull and weird downstairs. Some people were dressed up but the dress up thing is suppose to be on Sat. So after a few minutes we go upstairs. The speakers were blaring with club music and there were some people upstairs dancing. They were not dancing very good, which made me happy because I can't dance so I did not feel intimidated when busting some of my moves. So then after like an hour and a drink it begins to fill up, I did not even notice when it became packed. I did see a few good looking ladies there, one of them really caught my eye then another one she was Asian. Ther first one was more my type because she looked like a tomboy. I mean lipstick lesbian is ok but I prefer butch or futch as I have heard or stud. She was cute I eyed her but I do not think that she noticed. I danced to music that was not really my style but it was fun to be out and in that environment. I only danced with my friend and he only danced with me. A few guys did check him out though that was nice but his heart belongs to another who is unavailable. The only down thing was that some of the spots there smelled like crap. I did get to see a lively drag show with some contestants from RuPaul's drag show. I don't watch much tv so I had no idea who they were but nonetheless I was entertained.

I am going to write and it will probably be a mess. It may be seen if my stupid Dell computer does not delete it. I am so sad I don't even know why I am crying. I have a paper to write and studying to catch up and errands to run for my mom and to stop overeating and to be a good parent. When all I want to do is relax and live my life. Instead I have to just keep on going. I have so little. My house needs to be cleaned and I just do not have the time. I have no money and I don't even have someone to help me or to share it with. Why should life be like this. It is not so enjoyabl. My daughter is young and wants to be a popular mean girl and I have no way to get her to understand that its dumb. She is so enamoured by the idea and I see it happening and a part of it is probably my fault. I wanted so badly for her not to have the life that I had where I went to school and people made me feel like crap, threatended me used me. They made me feel like I just shoudl be dead. Then I went home and the cycle continued. I want her to be solid and happy, I make sure I talk to her and theaten anyone who I feel has wronged her. Even though she is a child. I am intimidating and mean at times. I was not always like this. I just am because I have lived in a mean world with really mean people. So now I will raise a kid that I hated as a child. I want her to be popular but nice and smart and tough. She is not so keen on the being nice though. What can I do. Her father wants nothing to do with her only twice a year when his concions assaults him. My job is hard but I also want to be better than everybody at work. I don't do any  backstabbing thought that is beneath me. I just upstage them but do it subtly. I want a really nice apartment and to look nice. Instead I am a mess.. I borrow money and have to pay it back with a high interest rate. I am headed toward a career of unfulfilment. When will this be all over. I wish that I could get a job at the post office and retire in 20 yrs and just live life comfortably. I want to scream profanities till my throat is sore but what will that solve. Life just sucks and is so fn mundane.