I feel better today. I still have concerns, but I love her a lot. She is in a better mood thank goodness. It is so weird because I get the same way sometimes. We all have flaws. I ate breakfast and I plan on eating very little for the rest of the day. I am hoping to lose 12 pounds a month. that is not too unhealthy. I want her to look at me and feel like she has hit the lottery. I'm not super attractive or anything, but I look cute with make-up on. I think that if I had make-up on when we spoke, that maybe she would think that I was prettier. It is just that I don't wear it while I am just chilling in my house and I don't have time to do it because I am usually busy. I think that I am going to have to find a way to make the time. I really love her and I think that she loves me too. It is just hard because we are so far apart and we will not be able to meet until a year after we have begun this love affair. I think about being with her all the time. I want to be with her so bad. I don't think that I will be able to do anything when we first meet, this desire is building up. She is so so attractive. Her body is just so nice. When I think about her I feel like I am the lucky one.
I am so confused. I wrote her a letter and she finally got it. She responded to me and I have not looked at it yet. I tried so hard all week and she still kept getting mad at me. One minute she is fine then she is not. I took down her picture from my wall. I took it off of my phone. I thought that maybe I should just ignore her for a bit. Since she told me that she was going to cringe because I said that I wanted to talk. That hurt a bit. I can't believe that she said that to me. I love her of course but she is to up and down for my taste. I usually don't allow negative people into my life because I feel that they bring me down. I don't like drama too much. A little is okay, but I don't like for someone to put me down. The thing is growing up, my mom and classmates said nasty things to me for years. I hated it, but there was nothing that I could do about it. As I got older I just avoided negative people because I want to find peace. I want to look at the notes and she what she has to say, but I don't like her attitude lately. I don't want to be immature about the situation so I am not sure what to do. She like the letter I saw that much, but there is nothing in the letter that I have not told her. I just want to know what is going on with her, but she gets mad at me saying that I know what is wrong. Maybe she is under a lot of pressure from things going on and I should be more understanding. I just don't know what to do. I keep saying the wrong things. I tried to apologize but it was useless. This is not a good week and next week won't be so good either seeing as how I will be getting my tooth pulled out right before my birthday. I wanted to go to the movies by myself and have popcorn. I think that I will go to bingo like I did last year for my birthday, not that it mattered because I did not win. I feel like I am living a solitude life. Like I have a girlfriend but it's not real. We are unable to be together and things are not so happy right now. I'm just gonna chill out. I don't know what to do, but I will chill out. I don't want to deal with any negativity right now. I have exams and work and my daughter to focus on. If I keep saying the wrong things all the time to her lately, I will not talk to her or even look at the note. I don't need the added stress and neither does she. She can focus on what she has to. I will continue to do the little things that I do for her, I just won't bother her. Maybe I'm smothering her, I can be a bit intense. She is having a nice birthday party in a few days. She can laugh and dance and have a good time with her loved ones. I'll be fine. We still love each other so it should be okay. Couple go through this. We are both fire signs so we can sometimes be too much for each other. I was going to write something beautiful about her because I felt so in love with her, but then we got into this mess so then the desire and words dissipated. I love her, so I will just deal with this weirdness in our relationship. I have even lost the desire to see what she wrote. I don't thing that she meant to hurt me with her disrespectful comment that talking to me makes her cringe, because she knew that it would be bad. That was not something that she should have said, but I say stupid stuff to, so all is forgiven. It is weird with her picture not up. It's just that when I looked up I kept seeing her face and she was smiling and there was a picture that she sent me of her and that smile that was on her face because of her ex, makes me feel like I don't measure up. I wanted to know what was it about that situation or her that made her smile so beautifully. If you saw that smile you would know what I was talking about. It was a smile that they want to capture for toothpaste commercial, it was a smile of pure happiness. I don't think that I can give her that. I know that she is not with her, but I know that she sometimes misses being with her. It's okay, I don't miss any of my exes, nor do I think about them and look like I still want them. When she talks about her ex, it is like she is talking about being with a super hot amazing chic that she will never find again. I'm not even jealous. I think it is because I am starting to think that she is not my soul mate. I think that her perfect woman embodies her ex. I don't like second place. I don't know how it is going to work out. I truly think that we are wasting each other's time. I love her with all of my heart and she kinda likes me. If you saw her face when she talks about her ex, you would say why are you with me. I know that she is only not with her because she wants to be with a lesbian, but I don't think that I am that lesbian. I wonder if there is someone out there that would smile at me the way that she smiled at her ex in that picture. I don't think that I'm meant to find love in the life. I'm cool with that, I've been alone for 8 years, that little fling that I had for 2 months was not a relationship, the girl reminded me all the time that she had no feelings for me it was just hooking up. Then she kept making me feel like crap no matter what I tried then she would kind of apologize. She wanted me in her life but she did not want to let me in. I think because she was an alcoholic and drug addict. She said that she was not a lesbian, that she was bi and did not want to be in a relationship with a woman. That I was a lesbian and that it would never work. She was right, she was nuts. I went back to look at her page and was disgusted at the fact that I ever liked her. She is so fat and unattractive, I was at a bad place then and susceptible to questionable decisions at the time.
I don't know what to say or even how to write about how things are going. It feels sometimes like I'm dating myself. We are different in many ways, but we both have mood swings. We do not have them at the same time so it is hard. Right now she is very moody. I understand that she has a lot of things going on in her life, but no matter what I say it is the wrong thing. I try to apologize and she still is mean about it. I erased almost all of our messages from WhatsAPP. Some were sweet so I kept them. I gave her what I needed for myself and she has no idea. I know that she is stressed out, but what am I suppose to do. We can't even have a conversation lately. Believe it or not, when we were upset with each other, I did not say that I had school work to do she did. I tried to talk to her, it is just not working. I am scared to talk to her. One minute I talk to her and we are laughing in love and happy, then the next day I say things that irritate her. I almost want to throw the towel in. I love her, but as I think about our future together I worry about her temper and I don't know if I want to walk on eggshells. I use to wonder why we were not able to be together and be upset that we weren't. Now I think that it is good that we are not together. I kinda think that we are not going to make it. I don't like her attitude. I guess relationships are like this, but I though we could be happy first. Maybe two Sagittariuses are not meant to be together. I have not been mood in a while. I mostly get really sad. I can't to do anything to try to smooth things over because it it a long distance relationship. I thought that it would be nice to be in love. Not feeling very loved right now.
Today was a busy day. Parent teacher meeting. I had to do it over the phone because I was heading to the gyno. I wanted to make sure that I did not have any stds before I got involved in my new relationship. My relationship is not doing so good right now. So she tells me that first lets focus on getting the blood sugar down. Ok. I love to eat and I really feel like I'm addicted to sugar. Especially soda, something about that fizz. My gf is mad at me and I don't like it but I will not apologize for something that I don't think that I did. I think that she lied and she probably did. Then I run to an interview. I was 7 minutes late. I thought that they would think that I was not worth it by coming in late. She was cool. I mean so cool. I really want to work for the store. I talked to her about my school schedule and everything. She can only give me 9 dollars an hour. That is not much money but I want to go to work. I don't know what that will mean with welfare. I hope that I can work and keep my benefits. I understand if they take some things away but if I work only 3 to 4 hours a day for a few days a week how can I pay my bills. Unfortunately my bf offered me a job and I don't want to bail on him, but the job is an hour away and it is not much money in terms of driving 2 hrs a trip and I am only making 40 buck minus tax and gas for one week. That is not much and when the weather gets bad what am I going to do? I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm stressed out. But I am good. A part of me feels like killing myself but I push through. It is weird. It is like I battle this urge to when things get bad. How am I going to tell my bf that I may have to bail on him last minute. I feel so guilty. It is like the part of my brain that controls emotions goes into overdrive when bad things happen. My daughter keeps me going. She is my foundation. That is a lot of pressure for a child, but she does not know. I just put on my pretend face all the time. Right now I feel like crying but then I also am mad so it's a bit much, too many different emotions.
Ok me and my gf got into it again over fb. She is talking to me and posting videos on fb. I think that is rude. She was irritated because I was not giving her undivided attention, but I was busy. So if you want me to give you attention I expect the same. For 2 days I have been talking to her and she basically did not care about what I had to say. I spoke to one of my best friends. She is not happy about this new relationship. She says that she is using me. My gf acts like she does not care whether she lives in the US or not, but I know that she does want to live here. I sometimes don't feel like she loves me, I know that she does, but when she gets in her moods, I don't like it. I know that I have my moods as well, but it is hard when I have to deal with it. My friend says that if she was dating someone from a 3rd world country I would say the same thing. She is right. I'm not certain on things. I don't have any idea how this whole thing works. There are some things that I don't understand, but I don't ask because she may get offended. It is not easy being in this situation. I don't want to be taken for a fool. I don't want her to come and just leave me. I don't know if she loves me. She lies and I know it but I don't want to start any arguments. I'm going to do what I always do and keep my mouth shut to keep the peace I suppose. Her bd is coming up soon and it is going to be hard but I don't think that I will talk to her much. I don't feel the love and I don't like her mood. My bd is coming up soon. It is a shame that the holidays are coming up, but I don't want to talk to her right now and I don't think that I will change my mind tomorrow. I'm going to tell her that I have to study and do the usual casual conversation. Gm and gn and Hbd and stuff. I'm not going to pretend and I'm not going to fight with her. I don't have fight left in me. She should just be honest. I've been honest with her. I feel like crying.
Today I was excited to go to lab. We were going to do needle injections today. At first we did a few hand outs. They were just to keep us occupied while smaller groups went up to practice giving injections. Finally I went up with my group. We did ok, there was one girl that needed a little more help, she kept pointing the needle up. That is a big no no.We are learning how to do the injections with two hands, but I think that it is like driving. In the beginning we learn to do it with both hands but after a while everyone just does it with one hand. I don't ever remember seeing a nurse use both hands to give an injection. I went on YouTube which was quite helpful because I learned what they meant when they said aspirate. I knew it had to do with air, but I did not know how we were to do it or why. Now I do and although watching the instructional video helpful, it was in no way a huge preparations for the actual thing. I gave a fake insulin injection. It was a little nerve wrecking. I pulled through. At first I took the cap of pulled the air back. I was suppose to keep the cap on, while I pulled the air back. I knew not to aspirate the insulin needle. That was drilled into my head by the Prof. and the instructional videos. After we were done with our practice, one girl asked can we buy needles to practice with. OMG, they almost had a heart attack. They told us under no circumstances are we to get any needles. That if we have needles in our cars that we will be arrested, then they went on and on about how it would be to our detriment if we attempted to procure needles for any reason and to not ever bring it to school. That if we do we will get the police called on us. I was in some serious shock. All I kept thinking was what if someone had diabetes, would it still be illegal. You would think she asked them where can she get some heroin. It was amazing their reaction to a simple question. It was a legitimate question in my opinion. Maybe there were fake needles that we could practice with. The hand and angle thing will take some time. I still need to practice taking blood pressure. I still have not asked my friend I will.
As usual we discussed any concerns that I had about things that I was not comfortable with. Things are good. We are not in communication as much as usual due to the demands of our school. I'm happy I sometimes miss her but what can I do. We have to sacrifice for our goals. I just want to get in shape now. I'm good and so is she. I'm happy.
After the test I had last week I was really worried about my future in nursing. However some things have come up that have put me in a better position to succeed. The test that I had last week did not go so good. I ended up with a C+, I would have gotten a B but I went back and changed 3 of my original answers, I let my nerves get the best of me. I usually don't change answers like that. I usually just reread everything to see if maybe I misunderstood the question, rather than change it because I think that my answer is not good enough. I had to wait to the end of class to receive my grade. She went over Pharmacology and a different needles and how to measure them. We will be practicing on how to give injections. During class I listened to her lecture, usually I kind of ignore them because they just read from the book. I figure that I can do that on my own. I want to get a high grade on this upcoming exam. I am almost done with one chapter but I have to already work on the math and start pharmacology. I read the power point notes, but I have to read the book. Ok so she is going over everything. One girl just came from working the overnight shift, she is so tired, she just falls asleep. It is like that sometimes. I don't know what they are going to do when the next semester starts. She says that if we come in tired and she can tell, we will be asked to leave. I tend to work more in the middle of the night. I take a nap at night get up drink some coffee and work until 4 am. I don't know why. She then goes over the exam. I am upset with myself for going back and changing my answers. Some people start to dispute some of the answers. She tells them that she will stop the review if we continue argue with her. People continue to get loud and continue behaving just like the kids in my daughter's class. I just sit there like this is not good. One guy makes some weird sound and she thought that it was a phone, he said it was a celebratory whistle ( who does that). Allow me to rewind, she said before she began the review to remove everything, no cell, recorders, or pen and paper. She even tells us to raise our hands. I was like is she serious, she was. She then tells us that all meltdowns should be done in the bathroom and no sharing scores and no personal celebratory noises. I can't believe the level of immaturity in the class. I just sit there silently. She has to look to my corner a lot, the women behind me talk a lot. People are shushing people. People just can't help but to talk. I just can't understand it. That is pretty much how it went. Now that my grades are ok. I have to go and purchase malpractice insurance, which has to be in by the end of the semester. It should not cost more than $38, she says if we pay more than we paid for the LPN one. When that Prof. comes in people cringe, she is so mean and intimidating. She literally gets annoyed anytime someone ask her a question or makes a mistake on something they were suppose to do. I have to find a way to practice blood pressure. I'm gong to practice on a few of my friends. I did not read the one that stated that we had to do 2 vital signs lab. So now I have to make that up. At least now I know. I am so excited to do well this semester. Next semester I plan to give it 100%. Oh yeah I have a new assignment that will allow me to get more studying time in. I will leave it at that, to not mess myself up. If anyone has any questions comment. I signed a privacy thing so I can not answer questions about specific test questions sorry. I also cut the amount of time that I talk to my girl, so I focus more on school and she is doing better as well. We know that we have to focus on school more. Our relationship is secure and if it is not at least we will have our education.
I am in a long distance relationship with someone that I love very much. I have been feeling lonely lately. I do want some physical contact. I can't even think of any other woman because no one compares to her. There is no other her and I said to myself and to her that I was in this for the long run. Her profile says single and I don't like it. I understand that she is from a homophobic country but, it makes me feel insignificant. She does not have to put down in a relationship, she can put down married. I know people who put that down just so that people don't bother them on fb. I don't know, lately I don't think that she wants to move to the US. She wants to finish school in her country and that will be another 2 years. To be in a long distance relationship for 3 years is insane. I don't know if it is worth it, I don't want to waste my time. I am being completely honest and faithful, but what if I'm doing it in vain. I like thrift stores and second hand because it is economical and a super good deal. She feels otherwise. I want to be understanding of the fact that we are different, but her immediate disgust of something being used set alarms off in my head. Slowly she is opening up to me more and I am cool with that and a bit elated at how comfortable we can be with each other. I don't know if she can be faithful to me for so long. I had only planned on us maybe doing this for a year in a half. She was suppose to visit me for 2 weeks and I was planning on visiting her as well for 2 weeks. I am not happy about this almost 3 year wait. I am not sure how to bring this up with her, there are schools here and if we are married she can still apply for help with school. I am starting to think that she wants to come when I am completely financially stable. I don't know how I feel about the fact that she is not willing to struggle with me. I am going to discuss this with her, I want a life partner. I don't want us to have any bad moments so I will wait to bring it up to her. I was sitting there like what. Do you even want to live with me? Do you love me? Do you know what kind of love I want? I love her unconditionally. I accept all there is and I am willing on helping her in any way that I can, because that is what two people who plan to spend forever together does. I am much older than her so I have to take that into consideration and I may have started her thinking that everything is peaches and cream. There are times that plans have to be altered due to unexpected circumstances. I can not predict the future but if plan A fails I go to plan B. I have not had a glamorous life, I am working towards a little conformability but me and her are not as different as she may think. Yes there are some luxuries here that may not be readily available over there, but trust me it is minimal. I won't get to meet her family, none of them. I don't exist, I will always be her little secret. There are some things that I will appear to accept, but in my heart I don't. I don't like being her little secret. I know that she loves her family but I want them to know that I am going to be her wife. If they accept it ok, but I don't like being a secret, it's like I a shameful thing, something disgusting. I understand being a secret while she is there, but once she leaves and we are married, I believe that they should know. I guess compromises have to be made. I just hope that I don't lose myself by letting all these things that I don't agree with be allowed to persist in our relationship. I wonder how many other things I will have to accept. She may not want anymore children. I want more children, at least one with her. I don't know. I just love her so much. I am not sure this is what I want for my life. I'm not in the closet anymore, it is not a comfy place to be. I will just cut back our time and focus more on school. I don't have the time to fill my head up with stuff like this. I don't look for anyone to date. I look at other women, but not to do anything with them. I am getting a little sick of not being able to talk about things with her. She like to just pretend that things are fine. I know one thing I will not be in a long distance relationship with anyone for 3 years. I will give it 2 years and that will be it. After 2 years if we are not married then I am going my separate ways. If she wants to stay and finish school then she can meet someone else. I will not let her waste her time. I will tell her that I will do this for 2 years but after that if she chooses to stay in her country I'm done. I can not move to her country because it is homophobic and we could never be a family and it has too many problems for me to put my daughter through. All of this happened today. I just heard this I may stay here for a little while longer. Who has a relationship with someone for 3 years and only sees the person 2 weeks a year. I am not dating someone in the military and I never would for this exact reason and the fear of losing them to senseless war. She has things going through her head and she is keeping them to herself, which is ok, I know that it takes time to get past her defenses. I feel a bit selfish because truth is I was not looking for anyone anyway and I would rather be alone then be with someone and still be alone.
Today was lab. It was ok. We sat and watched some clips on nutrition. The clip was of patients with different dietary needs. One of them did not eat much because his wife was sick and he did not feel comfortable eating with out her. Then we saw a woman that had problems eating due to dysphasia. We saw things to look out for, such as pocketing ( when someone keeps food in their mouth), we also saw that we should clean their mouths after each meal. We then saw a woman who had a nasogastric tube. She was mouth breathing and looked really ill. She was a bit orientated but she unable to communicate well. It was informative. I have not dealt with patients that had nasogastric tubes ( I've only dealt with the ones that had the g-tubes. We then had a worksheet to finish, but then my group got called to go up. We were to feed a patient. The Prof. chose one girl to answer questions and the girl did not know any of the answers both times that she was called on. I gave her the answer because I was not sure if she is just shy or if she did not know the answer. I found it hard to believe when we just saw the clip. I don't know her that well so I have no idea if she is doing well or not. She looks nice when she comes to class. One girl went up and she pretended to feed the patient. She did not do so well, but it is hard when you do not have any experience in health care doing patient care. I believe that we need more instruction and time in the skills lab. I still have to practice a lot of things. I am going to ask my friends but it is hard to make time. After we had that little training it was time to go. Lab is 3 hours long and we get a 20-30 minute break when we can, but it goes by fast. I would like us to do more hands on practice. I think that we should watch the clips on our own time and do hands on. Then I handed in my medical paperwork (although if I fail to badly I would just have wasted my time) and since I forgot to bring her copies I went back to get them and when I returned she was talking to the other professors so I waited, I did not want to interrupt their because she can be harsh. I know that I bombed that exam. I am so upset about it. The only thing is there are no second chances in this course. They were talking about how we are not doing well in the skills lab. One said that we were tired and the harsh one said that we are lazy there is nothing more to it. Yet when I wanted to spend more time in the lab she did not allow it. Now I have to work on my calculations and I have only 4 weeks to do it. I don't know what will happen at this point. I can try a different school. If I fail this course I will not be able to take it for another year and I will have to pay the grant money back which is in the thousands. I will just get a job and save up to go to school when I can. I am going to do the best that I can on my other exams and hope to chance that it is enough. 6 more days until I know what I got. A lot of people did not do well from the lecture that we received. They are even thinking of adding an entrance exam for entrance into the nursing program. It seems that the fact that English is not some people's native tongue is affecting them in the course, not because they do not know, but because their understanding of the words' meaning. I don't know they seem to know that most of us will not make it. I heard one of them say that we'll be weeded out by April. I really wish that I did not hear that conversation. It kinda bought down my morale, but it's life I suppose. I think that next time they want to bash us they should at least close the door and bash us in private, not in the hall where anyone can hear. It was as if they did not care if we heard them or not. One Prof. tried to defend us.
Today was my exam. I was so unprepared. I know that I failed it. I am only hoping that i did not fail to bad to redeem myself. I have no idea what I am going to do if I fail this class. I have not failed a class in over 5 years. I know that it is mostly my own fault. It was 7 chapters that were small print and some were 14 pages and some were 40. It was a lot of material and only but so many questions. We are not allowed to discuss our exam but we did. A lot of people were worried. Some did ok. I had some right answers and then I second guessed myself and changed. them. I knew one of them but then I changed it because it did not look right. I am dreading this upcoming week. I stopped drinking so much coffee at my doctor's request. I am just going to have to put a slight strain on my heart if I have any hope of redemption for this disaster I caused. I tried to see if there was something that I could do to save myself, but the Prof said that we could not do anything about it. She asked me why I think that I did not do well. I told her but it does not matter. I don't think that she expected it from me and to be honest neither did I. It is late right now and I am not tired because I had some coffee. I took my daughter to Chuck E Cheese, because there was a fundraiser at her school. She had a ball and I had fun too. I am a mom too. She has sacrificed so much. I can't take her childhood away from her for a whole year. What if I did tomorrow. I want her to have some fond memories and I want to experience them with her. I loved to see her laugh and run around. I mostly get time to study at night. That is why I had the coffee. I misses my therapy because I was running errands after school. After the exam we went over nutrition. It was short. We are expected to complete the online quiz by tonight. I don't get the speed at which this course is going, but I guess this is how they weed out the weak. When we were discussing nutrition. Two people mentioned they were vegan, when the topic came up. People got a little disrespectful. We are different. Yes we are built to eat meat, but some people make the decision not to, we should respect that, it does not effect us in anyway. One man got upset and said that they eat grass, the Prof. pointed to him for him to come see her. I think that she was going to kick him out. He had this look on his face as if he did nothing wrong. He stayed in his seat and she let it go. Little side conversations have been getting out of had in the class. She actually had to move someone. I was like wow, we are adults and the Prof. at this stage of the game is removing people. We never fully grow up I suppose.
Me and my girl had a serious talk that literally lasted 2 days. After all was said and done I felt good. I am hormonal during my period and although she thought that everything was good I felt differently, about how things were between us. I was worried about the ex girlfriend but now I am completely secure about it. I know that she found her to be attractive and still does. I am okay with that now. I am not sure how it happened but I am. She did send me a picture of her smiling (She is absolutely beautiful when she smiles), it was a picture that her ex took. I deleted it because I want her to smile like that for me. I feel secure in our relationship. I know that there is a possibility of other women trying to steal her from me. I know that there is a possibility that cheating may occur but that is something that I think us women have come to accept in relationships. I still know that she will come back to me. I love her like I've never loved anyone. I have been in love before but it was different because that relationship was doomed from the start. He was never mine and I was always going to be the other woman. He was always cheating and I could never be happy with him. I am thrilled that me and him are over. She is all mine, I don't have to share her with anyone and I know that when I am able to be with her, she'll be mine. I can talk to her about almost anything. We laugh together. We are both weird and a little geeky. We are comfortable around each other. We can share so much with each other. I look forward to talking to her, to hearing her voice, seeing her smile, joking with her. We know that our families will not accept us but our love is undeniable. I sometime wish people could just understand that two women can love each other, it is normal. I can't imagine being with anyone else. She is so sexy and tall and strong. When she gets serious it is super sexy. When she gets mad at me I sometimes want to cry, because I just want to make her happy, but it is an attractive thing. I want to spoil her. I always want to spoil people that I care about. I wish that I had stayed employed maybe we could start the paper work sooner, so that we could be together. She really cares about my feelings and about me. She cares about my daughter and my daughter like her. She calls her mom, but she does not talk about her to others because she says that people don't like gay people. Oh well, it is what it is. I have all these plans for our future. If I continue to do well in school and stay focused we can have a nice life. She is working hard on her end so that when we get married we can have a life filled with love and accomplishment. I can't wait to feel her arms around me. We will have to wait a year to see each other, because of our schedules. We are suppose to meet in late June or early July. That is a long wait but the problem is I will be in an intense summer class. The last day is July 31st. I don't know how to tell her. We already had to change the date from January to June now I have to change it to Aug 1st. I cant lie to her so I am not going to say anything until July, that way she it won't seem that bad. I can't be in school and pay any attention to her. I won't even be able to have fun on the weekend. I don't want that. I want to be able to do something. It will be only 2 weeks longer than we have planned. We will be doing a long distance relationship for almost a year before we see each other. It will not be hard for me, but I know that it will be hard for her. I wish that I could go there and surprise her but it will cost too much and because me and my daughter have different school schedules, it is not possible. I'll make it up to her. As soon as school is done for me. I will be able to go down there to visit her for like a week or two. I will be going with my daughter. I'm going with bug spray I know that much. I am not trying to catch Chick V in Jamaica. I wish that I could meet her family and be welcomed with open arms. That is what a lot of people that say gay people are trying to throw their lifestyles in people's faces don't understand. We just want to be accepted. We don't necessarily want to be accepted so much by society as we do by the people that we love. We are second class citizens even in our own families. I love that feeling that I get when I see her picture, I have one where she has a seductive look in her eyes. It sends chills all over my body. I wish that she could stay longer than 2 weeks. I wish she could stay for at least a month, but that is not possible. It is not easy saving this money, but it is worth it. I am willing to sacrifice some of my luxuries to be able to luxuriate with her. She brings me happiness and hope.
I am not going to post anything for lecture 8 because I did not go to class. Instead I was stayed home to do a paper for my uncle. I was not going to do it but he paid me and I needed the money. I also offered to do a paper for my friend she is offering me 50 dollars. I don't have much time to do these papers for them but I am finding a way. I went to lab today it was nice. We watched a few shorts on how to make a bed and how to wash a patient. It was interesting because I have been a nursing assistant for almost 6 years and I have only seen a nurse wash a patient 2x. Now a lot of hospitals and other health care facilities do not have enough linen. I have no idea why this is when they get paid so much money per day. After we had a worksheet that had questions that would help us with he NCLEX we went up to the simulation lab and practiced washing a patient and making an unoccupied bed and an occupied bed. I was partnered up with that annoying girl. She got upset when I cut her off, but she started ranting and I take this seriously. I got the notes from a classmate. I am worried about this exam because we have over 200 pages small print to study and they do not give us any help with what will be on the exam other than the structure of the exam. We go in blind into these exams. The first exam was not too bad but this one I am not sure about. I will admit a huge part is because I was talking to my girlfriend. We have stopped talking so much so that we can both focus on school. If I do fail this exam I can still come back from it. It is only 20% and I doubt that I will fail it with like a 30 or something. I am trying to finish up with the reading. I should be done by tomorrow and then I will study from Thursday to Sunday. It is not much time but I will do my best. Lab seemed to go fast today. Lately it seems to go fast because when we are in the skills lab it goes by fast. Okay I am going to study, those of you that pray, please pray for me. I know that I messed up, but there is nothing that I can do about it now. I can only try to make up for what I did not do. Some of the questions that may be on the test do not seem that hard. I am going to go back on the online quizzes and see if there were any similarities to the test that I took. Trying to dissect your future unknown exam is weird and not at all logical but it is all I have to go on. No one seems able to give you any help, other than study.
Lab was interesting. In the class we did a work sheet after she lectured a bit. I was 30 minutes late. When I came in they were watching a video about a woman that lost her child after her child went into surgery and the wall that was up when she wanted to get information about how it happened. She actually influenced change in policy and procedure. I missed most of the video but it is available online. Then one half of the class went to the skills lab while the other half stayed in the class. I wondered what was taking them so long up there. We also only received a 10 minute break. I am happy that I was late. I almost did not go because I was tired, from studying and doing my hair, until 5 am. Okay, so she is about to give us another sheet then finally the first group comes down. Then I go up with the other group. When we get there we see fake medication bingo cards are out. They call the med cart the COW. I think it was cart on wheels. We partner up. I don't get the annoying chick. We get a patient and their medication. Then we get the drug dictionary and we have to get information about the drug to tell the patient, but it ended up being the class. I got partnered up with my friend from the class. We work good. I was able to absorb the information pretty good. I actually love the hands on training. I am not sure how I will feel if I pass and move on to the next level, which is clinicals. We ran out of time and we were unable to complete our practice fully. We were rushed. We may be able to do more next week. I really wanted to use the COW. Then class was over. By the way my medication was ferrous sulfate tablet, it is basically iron. I still remember the side effects and uses. Like I said it was cool. I am starting to think that lab is my favorite day. I did not want to miss the lab because I would have to make it up. I would rather be late and get the evil eye when I get there, then have to make it up.
Today I had the Prof. that I had on the first day. She basically just reads from the book and the power point presentations. I was so tired. I fell asleep for the first half of the class. I tried to stay awake but I went to bed late that night. We were covering Medication Administration. Thankfully my years at my previous job helped. Although I fell asleep I did not miss much. She made a note of us taking notes, but I was writing a letter to my fiance. It is just that she was not saying anything that I could not read on my own. The video that they showed in class, is available online. Besides the actual skills part I feel like I could take this course online. Attendance is mandatory so I have no choice but to sit through the 4 hour class. I see why some people use to just come in for test. I know that it made some Prof. feel obsolete but, there are some classes that you can do on your own. It is not for everyone and I hate online classes but this could be done online. The lab and skills is necessary, I will admit that. I did not write any notes for the previous lectures and I did pretty good. I did write notes, but it was my own from reading the book. It was not from the lectures. I could not finish because I should have started sooner, which is why I received an 84 or 86 instead of a 90 ( I forgot). She did tell us that if we think that we can work an overnight shift and come to clinicals we are mistaken. She said anyone that comes in and looks tires, will be told to leave. That we will not work on people if we are not 100 percent alert. I understand that. She also told us that we don't need to study everything, which is good because some of these chapters are over 50 pages of small print.
I know that I am behind, I apologize about that. We had this new Prof come in. She was African. I did not know what to make of her because it was my first time seeing her. My friend in the class had not expected much of her. Usually someone comes in and they basically read from the book, which is a bit boring. I like when they tell stories about experiences that they have at work. Truth is sometimes I feel like I can stay at home and read on my own time. The thing is the book explains things pretty clearly, I sometimes fall asleep. I started reducing my coffee intake and it has left me depleted. My doctor suggested. I was overdoing it. I drank some today. I will do most of the blogs. Ok so she comes in and I expect status quo. She comes in and she does not read from the book. She goes into details and breaks it down in a much more understandable way. I actually feel the need to write down notes. She was a bit abrasive to some, but I loved her teaching approach. If she was my Prof. Every time that I went to class, I would be thrilled. She does not like breaks though. Usually we get a 40 minute break. She could not believe that. She gave us a ten minute bathroom break and then a 30 min lunch break. She could teach the whole time. I really do enjoy the class. These chapters are longer. I am so behind but I plan to catch up. The other test seem to follow the questions in the study guide and the ones at the end of the chapter. I have my own study technique. I will do better when I study harder, but I do have a life. I am able to absorb the information because I love it. I am scared of sick people but I love caring for people, especially the elderly. I don't want to work with children because I am able to separate my feelings and work. I do not think that I could do that when dealing with children that may be dying. I don't think that I could handle that emotionally so I think that I will avoid that field. She was also funny, she also took stupid questions in stride. People say that there are no stupid questions, there are, I've heard them.
Things are getting so much better. I am still very jealous and insecure, but I am able to know that she is mine and that she loves me. We even were able to talk about her ex that she is still friends with and I did not feel anything about it. Sometimes when I think about us being apart for so long tears come to my eyes because I want her here with me and our love just seems to grow as time goes on. We are so comfortable with each other. I can not find any fault in her. She says that she does not have any complaints with me but that scares me. I don't know if I can live up to her expectations. I just want to make her so happy. She cares about me so much and is there for me when I need her. I would marry her today if I could. I know some people that love their significant other but their significant other does not treat them like they love them. I wish that they would just leave. I've been there, crazy about someone who completely disregards all of your feelings. It is not worth it to be with someone that does not love you back. Forget all the things that you have been through. Some people feel like they owe the other person. If someone did something for you then they did it out of the kindness of their heart. There is no reason to hold on to what you think that you owe someone. Be with someone that will make you happy, with someone who cares about your happiness. There are times that others will not understand why you do something for someone that you love, but it is not for others to understand, it is for you and the person that you are with. I really think that people are selling themselves short when they are with someone because they love them, but are not happy for reasons that are not acceptable. I love my fiance and the only reason that I am so insecure is because I fear losing her. A fear that is completely unfounded. I really try not to think of how much I love her because I just cry, she is just so beautiful inside and out. She is my partner. She is the person that I was meant to meet, maybe I needed to be in the messes I was in to fully appreciate her. I appreciate her so much. She only ask me for respect, honesty, love, and understanding. I can give her that and so much more. I don't think that I will write much more in this column, because at this point it is pretty much a lovey dovey thing. People seem to hate things like that. I don't listen to much negativity because I keep people out of my relationship. They know that she is overseas and all that but after a few negative comments, I decided that privacy was essential. They don't understand and that is fine. Some people say why not find someone who lives here. I have not found someone here that I can feel compatible with. There is no one here in this country that I want. There are some things that you accept because of convenience, but love is not something I am going to short change myself on.
I have planned to diet for some time now and it has not panned out, quite as I had hoped for. I have short term goals and long term goals. I also need to go to the gym, I have full access to two. My membership is almost done at one. I moved so it is not as easy to go, not that it really mattered I barely went. I have access to the Y near my school and to the gym at the school. It is not at the campus that I go to but I could easily go to it. I am going to see if I can go to the gym at the Y in my town. I like that gym. I am decreasing what I eat but it is not enough. I have to do a lot more, in order to get healthy. I also wan to look hottt. I am getting my money for food in a week in a half and I plan to use the money wisely. I intend to count calories and eat foods that are going to be real fuel for my body. I think this time that I will really do it. I just don't want to buy new clothes. I will make the ones I have work for me. I don't even want to buy too many school uniform clothes in case I need to get a smaller size later. I don't like looking sloppy for school. Ok so here are my short term goals.
Short Term Goal
Lose 20 pound. It will get me out of the 200s which will be a milestone for me. I gained so much weight after having my daughter.
Long Term Goal
To lose at lest 15-20 pound a month and eventually stop when I weigh between 120-130. I could be thinner but I am not one for being skinny. I like curves and having enough strength not to thrown around if I am in danger. Weekly I will put down my menu and my weight loss.
My current weight is 215 pounds Next Monday I will do my weigh in and I hope to lose 5 or 6 pounds. I weigh a lot so in the beginning I think I will lose a lot. My focus body parts are my arms and stomach. I also plan to use a lot of cocoa butter to make my skin look better and drink beau coup water. I already like water but I also drink way too many sugared beverages.
Things are getting much better. Me and her had a nice talk today. We were able to talk about a lot of things that have been troubling me and it has helped me to feel more confident in our relationship. I am still very jealous, but that will maybe go away when we are together. She does get bored like I do and I hope that I don't bore her. She does not like to see me so exposed. She wants there to be something left to the imagination. I am a person that likes to get comfortable in just some boy shorts or short shorts. I am going to be dressed and not give her any teasers from now on. I tend to dress provocatively when I go out, but I will keep it slightly mysterious. This is a big change. She has not asked me to, but I will put myself on a very low calorie diet in an attempt to be thinner by the time we meet. It may be in December but the way that the ticket prices are we would only be able to spend a week together anyway so I don't think it matters if I do get the tickets in January when they will be much cheaper. I have decided to ask her to give me more time. I hope that she will agree to it. If she comes in March it is not a tourist season and the flights will be much cheaper and I can save more money for her to have a good time. I think that she will think that I am changing my mind, I hope that she realizes that I am doing it because it will benefit us. I will not be able to do it in December and I will not have enough money by January. It is tourist season. I will have money for the plane ticket but that will be all and it is the same time that I will have finals. I will barely be able to give her much attention the test is cumulative. I also want to get fit. I want her to see me and say wow. I am cute but I have to lose this weight. I have seen it done and I did it before and it has stayed off. I am at 215. I have been this weight for over 6 months now and I eat more than I should. I plan to start the new diet on Monday. Hopefully I will no longer have an insecurities blog. I will keep it until I do lose all of the weight that I want to because, it is an insecurity that I have. I think once a week I write about what I have eaten for the week, any exercises, and the weight gained or loss. That may be a boring blog and one that has been done to death but I will find it to be refreshing. I threw away all my journals or diaries, whatever people refer to them as. I bought another one and plan to start writing in it. Sometimes when I type I feel like I am playing a musical instrument. My mind just put the words out here and it feels amazing and like I am letting weight of. It is not physical weight but mental turmoil.
I can't talk to my friends about this. I can't even talk to my girl about this. I had a dream one night a few weeks ago that scared me. I dreamt that I was about to meet my girl. The love of my life, for the first time. I dreamt that for some reason I did a background check on her. Right before I was to meet her someone an old school mate, told me that it was a bad idea. She told me I have some information on your new girlfriend. She was a serious criminal and my old school mate who is not my friend in real life, said you should always check on people before you meet them. I was scared that I almost let her into my house around my child and that I did not even really know her. Everything that she told me was a lie. I never found out in my dream why she lied to me or what it was that she was hiding. I woke up and it bothered me for a few days. I eventually told her about my dream. She said something to me, but I really don't remember. I had this gut feeling that something was wrong. I love her and I swore that I would love her no matter what. She seems like a good person. I want to talk to her about these things but she does not want to open up to me. She has this wall up and I don't know why she does not trust me. I know that I have not told her everything about me, but I don't think that they are that serious. It is stuff that I find to be embarrassing, I don't know if that is why she is keeping things from me. I don't know what is going on. I love her so much. I am willing to make this work but I want to know more about her. I want her to let me in. Ok so I go to her fb page, something that I hate doing. I am even going on a 600 calorie diet to be healthier and also to look like the women that she keeps on adding to her friend list. I get updates all the time about what my friends are doing. I get an update about her befriending another woman. I did not get to see what she looked like or catch the name. So I go to her page and she has so many women as friends and then I go into her about section. I see that she has her relationship status as single. That hurt, I tried to tell myself that the reason that she had it that way was because she did not want people to know about her being gay. But I know that it's pure none sense. I know so many people that put married as a status just to have people leave them alone. She could have done that and if any family member asked she could have said that she put it up because she did not want people hitting on her. But I know that maybe she has her reasons and that maybe she does love me. Recently she quickly had to hide that she was on Skype with me. She wanted to hide me from her family. I understand but I just wonder when I will no longer be a secret in her life. I am going to follow my heart and love her. I will ignore my brain, because I gave her my heart and trust and I intend to keep my promise to her. She will be my wife and I have to understand that she does not have the same freedom that I have here in the states. I'm not going to mess this up. I love her and for the first time in my life I will follow through. I am scared, but it is scary to fall in love. I am so scared of falling. I have been in real love once before. This will be my second time in love with someone. The first person that I was in love with was never going to pan out, because he was married. It was a doomed love affair. There is no reason for this not to work out unless, I mess it up. She will be my wife and I want to be with her forever. The reason that I don't want to talk to my friends about this is because, I want to deal with our issues between us. I will no longer involve others in my relationship. People may read this blog but very few people ever comment so, I don't feel like I am betraying her, because I am truly anonymous. I do not want to talk to her about this because we just got over the ex, who I still believe that she has feelings for, may even be in love with her. She is with me and I will just let it go like I said that I would. So, I do not want to talk to her about this with her because I seem to be the one that has issues and am messing things up. She is easy going. I am the one that is sabotaging this with my jealousy issues and weight insecurities. I hope that when I lose this weight, I will feel more secure. She never complained about my weight, she complains about hers. I honestly can't wait to touch her teddy bear like body. She makes me feel good and I keep making myself feel bad. I sometimes wonder why she is attracted to me when all the other women in her life seem to be thin or slightly thick like all of those women on her fb friends list. I was the biggest one on her fb list. I hope to lose a nice amount of weight by the time that we finally meet. 60 pound will be enough to make me feel good about myself and to feel sexy enough for her. I had a flu shot and my arm still hurts and is swollen at the site. This has nothing to do with my insecurities but it has been hurting for over a week now. Just felt like mentioning that.
Previous PostsRelationship 8, posted November 27th, 2014
Relationship 7, posted November 26th, 2014
Relationship 6, posted November 26th, 2014
How I'm feeling, posted November 20th, 2014
Relationship 5, posted November 19th, 2014
Lab 11, posted November 18th, 2014
Relationship 4, posted November 17th, 2014
Lecture 10, posted November 17th, 2014
Relationship 3, posted November 12th, 2014
Lab 9, posted November 12th, 2014
Lecture 9, posted November 10th, 2014
Relationship 2, posted November 4th, 2014
Lab 8, posted November 4th, 2014
Lab 7, posted October 29th, 2014
lecture 7, posted October 28th, 2014
Lecture 6, posted October 28th, 2014
Insecurities 6, posted October 27th, 2014
Dieting the Beginning, posted October 27th, 2014
Insecurities 5, posted October 19th, 2014
Insecurities 4, posted October 13th, 2014
Nursing Lab 5, posted October 7th, 2014
Lecture Exam, posted October 6th, 2014
Relationship update, posted October 5th, 2014
Maybe I'm meant to stay single., posted October 5th, 2014
Maybe there is more going on with me?, posted October 4th, 2014
Insecurities 3, posted October 3rd, 2014
Nursing Lab 4, posted October 3rd, 2014
Insecurities 2, posted September 29th, 2014
Nursing Lecture 4, posted September 29th, 2014
Nursing Lab 3, posted September 29th, 2014
Serious Incecurities, posted September 28th, 2014
Nursing school Lec 3, posted September 22nd, 2014
Nursing school lab 2, posted September 16th, 2014
Nursing school lab 2, posted September 16th, 2014
Lesbian couple getting ready to meet, posted September 16th, 2014
Nursing school, posted September 15th, 2014
Practical Nursing Student experience, posted September 13th, 2014
Feeling confused., posted August 9th, 2014
LOW, posted July 21st, 2014
Life on welfare, posted July 16th, 2014
Shelter Life 14, posted July 3rd, 2014
Heart Hurting, posted June 25th, 2014
Tea with a straight woman, posted June 23rd, 2014
Out of Homeless Shelter, posted June 19th, 2014, 3 comments
Shelter Life 14, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 13, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 12, posted April 15th, 2014
SL 11, posted April 15th, 2014
Shelter Life 10, posted April 15th, 2014
SL9, posted April 15th, 2014
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