I will keep it short. I met a woman here. We have been hooking up. She hass some serious issues. I like her so much,but she does not seem to feel the same for me. I wish that she felt differently. It is what it is.
I got an extention. I will be able to stay there for one more month. That will be a relief. I attempted to take some classes to make me more marketable for work, but it is closed. So I went to the library and I plan to teach myself until I can get the class. I am working hard to find work. My mom keeps interrupting my plans with her nonesense. First she needed to close on her shell of a house. Then she needs me to go the insurance for her. I am losing valuable time doing what I have to do. I need to look for a place, fill my taxes, look for work, and little stuff. I have to tell her that this will be the last day. I am running out of time and I have to get these things done. I have only 3 weeks left. She is such a selfish woman. My daughter leaving to go with her grandmother will help me to go to school full time and finish 6 months faster than anticipated. I am making plans. The shelter is the same. People are under the influence of alcohol or drugs, those that are not just stay out of the way. I had a nice conversation with a woman today. Some of the girls are getting really stressed out and taking it out on their kids me included. I felt bad and tried to make it up to her. I said some mean things to my kid due to the pressure I was under. I did not mean to, I just feel so hopeless and now she is in this mess too because of me and my decisions. I did not think that finding work would be so hard. I need a resume for housekeeping that seems insane to me. They want receptionist that are basically secretaries. I should have taken some administrative classes when I had the time. Now I have to just try and see what happens with the skills that I do have, which are not much.
Ok so a week ago I go to the welfare office to get my voucher. That is a sheet of paper saying how much they will pay for your shelter and the date. You are suppose to get one every month. For a single mother with a child they will pay about $1,700.00 for a month. For a single woman they pay about $1,200.00 a month. Makes no sense I know, but plenty of people are getting paid from this backwards thing. So I go there since I recieved a letter telling me that I am not qualified for monetary benefits. I will get the food stamps and the medicaid. I cried for almost 2 days. I was hardly able to pull myself together to do what was necessary. So I do have an option of going to my mom's house. Which I will pay no rent because she had me sign a house in my name. The house is a piece of crap and already people are going into it and cutting pipes to make money. She has big plans for the house but it may be a year until it is livable. That helps ( not!). So I will go to two other places to see if they can be of any help. I am suppose to meet with this woman today but I will cancel because I will be to busy due to the weather getting in the way of any progress. The girls are still crazy. One that I am cool with just found out that she has been gettting ripped off by family members for about 4 years. That was sad. So I gave her some needed info. Now she is all over me. I am a person that likes her personal space. She is non stop irritating me. She wants to come to my room and so does her son. I already got a ticket hanging out with her and they are making comments about her coming to my room. I am not able to stay there past the 6th so I did not make waves. She used my bathroom for number 2 after I told her to go to her own room. She was so gross and she has herpes. I am so through with that girl. The staff is ok the evil one seems to take pride in making people uncomfortable. The place seems to like her for some reason. Me and her do not really talk after I complained about her. So I will have to move on and I am mad at how awful the Denver Broncos playes. Why did they even bother to show up? Oh and I decided to let my daughter go with her paternal grandmother so that I can finish up my studies. I will be able to go full time and finish 6 months earlier. Which will be a huge weight off of my shoulders. I informed her father at his mother's request. He was upset. I guess she spoke to him then wanted me to speak to him even though she did not tell me that she spoke to him. I'm gonna have to just eat crow. He was upset he thought that I was going to ask him to take her in. He must be mad. This man is the epitome of what not to do as a father. He wants to take her in with his girlfriend even though he is married. Not to mention that this woman has 3 kids that she does not have custody of. So instead of this woman raising her own children she wants to raise mine and my child does not like her. Not to mention he was complaining that she was not nice to his other children and he does not have his other children either. He is so obsessed with that earned income child credit. He is disgusting. My daughter says that she will miss me but she understands that this lifestyle is not good for her. I will get back on my feet then I will come and get her. I will miss her. We give each ohter extra hugs at night to kinda make up for the ones that we will not be able to give to each other later on.
So yesterday someone lifted someone's entire bacon and someone elses dozen eggs. I have no idea who it was. Now yesterday the girls are watchin Love and Hip Hop. I don't watch much tv but I did not want to be cooped up in my room so I stayed. The woman with the little boy is an alcoholic I just found out. There was an altercation with her and another woman but I thought that it was an isolated insident. So I am sitting there and she tries to squeeze in. She starts talking to me about group and about myself a bit. I don't say much then she tells me that she is in a substance abuse program. But that she no longer does drugs and is just an alcoholic. She reaks of alcohol. I had to sit uncomfortably next to her. She had her hand around the sofa behind me. She squished herself next to me and I was just like ready to leave. I chose to stay just to watch a little tv. Then I hear how she is interested in girls and that she has hit on a few of the other girls there. I don't think that she is remotely attractive and to add being a loud mouth drunk to the mix, a definite no no. My friend who has serious emotional issues had a fight with her boyfriend. She seems to be very needy. I tried to talk to her later but I went to the wrong door again. Twice I went to the wrong door. One girl blurted out did you take your meds. I understand that we all know about some of her issues, but why blurt it out like that in front of people? It is not her job to notice things like that. Especially when she looks like she may want to take some herself. I read the letters that my ex wrote me when we were together. I just wish that they were true. Instead I read them knowing that they were all lies and I was nothing more than a fool.
I spoke to a friend of mine and she convinced me to be more lenient with tv time for my daughter. I let my daughter watch tv in the common room, while I am talking to my new friend. I will call her Sha. So I am still eating while my daughter and her son just finished. Then I hear yelling. One of the girls is cursing out and looks like she is about to fight another resident. The children are in the middle of this chaos. She was yelling and threatning a retarded woman because she did not want to listen to her. This lady's birthday was going to be the next day so she bought all this stuff from Dunkin Donuts to celebrate her b-day. Then T comes to her and tells her to move it and put it in the fridge so that the staff does not say anything to her. The lady tell her no. I will wait if they tell me something. Then she continues to tell the girl what to do.The woman refuses. Next thing I know she is saying how she always has something smart to say then goes on a rant. Meanwhile this other woman does not back down. She does not yell though she is calm during the entire thing. When I hear the yelling I get up and get my daughter and bring her upstairs. This lady who was yelling in between the children has a child and thought that her behavior was ok. She apologized to my friend witht the son saying that he is not used to her language. I'm thinking moron did you not see my child there. If anyone knows slow people they know that they have been usually bullied so much that they have a back bone. She was not even scared. There were about 5 staff members in the office. Only one got up to break it up. From what I have heard there have been physical altercations with staff and residents and resident on resident. I felt bad for the other lady because I know that she does not go looking for trouble, but if I even tried to break up the argument I would be at fault because it is the staff's job to take care of it. That poor lady does not belong in that place. She needs so much more. They are functioning retarded. They are willing to work and can usually take care of their self. They just need a little counseling and direction since they are suseptible to people manipulating them and taking advantage of them. I am trying to slowly distance myself from everyone. I also want to stop complaining. I have made a complaint against someone who is in my fridge I accused her of taking my juice to a staff member. Then I realized that I was mistaken. She made some Kool aid thing. Not that she does not take food from people. They have caught her this week in someone elses fridge. I think that I wil continue to not have ready made food. How can these women think that these boyfriends of their are worth anything. You are in a homeless shelter with no money or car or anything and you are being intimate and cooking and crap for these men. I guess some people have to go through it to realize that they should expect more from their significant other. Women use to have some power but it seems that the thing dangling from men are keeping women in their place. Women will overlook it all just to have access to it. They will learn.
I cannot sleep. I don't know how she got scabies. I use to shower almost every day because of my job, but I did not make her shower because I figured that since she did not go anywhere she can shower days at a time if she wants. I use to see people make kids bathe at night but I did not see the use if they did not do anything active. So now I feel bad. I make her shower at night and in the morning. I find it to be too much but what other option do I have. I am not at home. The girl in the room before me was not itching nor her children and she has not scars on her bod which are easy to see since she is always showing skin. I made a friend. She has some serious emotional issues and is on a lot of meds. She is nice and adorable at times. The girls here seem to be fluid with their sexuality, not the older ones though. They prefer men but have no problem being intimate with another female. There is not hooking up here or anything it is just from their conversations that I have figured this out. They make comments about hot people and such. The girl that I have become friends with though seems to have something against homosexuality. I don't discuss my personal life too much here. I have spoken to her though. I of course leave out a lot but that's fine. The school accepted my daughter's homeschool work which I am thankful for. She is doing ok, but these schools are test happy. By the time that I cook her dinner I don't have as much time as I would like to work on the school work. It is a lot. The teacher uses her cell phone in class which I do not find to be professional. I will not address this because I have no idea what is going on with me. I do not know if they will let me stay or what. I am planning on cooking enough food so that I only have to cook every other day, except on weekends, I have more time then. I also bought a small folding table thing at the second hand store so that she can do her work more efficiently while here. The only thing that this place is missing is a room for the kids to do homework. A quiet no yelling and cursing room. I'll make due. I would not feel happy if someone was not able to find shelter because of a study room. With the weather being so bad right now, traveling is not as easy. I was going to use the room across the street, but with the whole scabies thing, I think it not wise to sit where a lot of homeless people are at. There are so many people across the street many of them are substance abusers, cleanliness is not high on their list of priorities. The ones over here are not too bad. They don't cause too much trouble they just steal your food. That is annoying but I don't have too much ready to eat food in my fridge. I am just worried that when I have food for the next day they may take some. They need to make fridges with locks on each shelf for that resident. That way it is not so easy to go and take people's food. It would also be good if the staff monitored the kitchen more. It is not like they have any real work. They are just monitors really. I enjoy having a stove to cook on. I also took a bath for the first time in like 7 years. It was ok. My daughter had one today. She did not remember ever being in a tub. We take showers but she enjoyed the bath, I did as a kid too. I felt cleaner with the shower. I don't like seeing old skin floating by. She is eating so well since we have been here. She eats everything I cook with joy. I have made baked mac and cheese, tilapia, fried chicken, potatoes and veggies for her. Next week we will be eating much lighter. Next month I will attempt to make those cheddar biscuits like the ones from Red Lobster. I want to be able to have a job that does not take me away from my child, not coincide with my school, and be able to pay my bills. I would love to find someone but I don't think that it is going to happen. I don't go out. Sometimes I get confused on whether I still like guys or not. I see some and I am not repulsed by it; but then I go to the college and this woman walks in. She was about 5'9 and the feeling was all over. I don't feel that with any guy I meet. I guess it is what is the norm and makes sense. Being a lesbian does not make sense, it just feels right for me. Who cares I have too much to accomplish at this time. People from my old job have been offering to help me. They can hardly help their self.
Dinner time at the shelter. One lady fed her kid oodles of noodles. She devoured it. The only thing is I hope that she washed that high chair, because too many kids have eaten on there and been sick on it. One mother made chicken Alfredo with toast and broccoli (she always makes them good food. One mother who sold all her food stamps made some concoction. She made macaroni salad and boiled spaghetti and baked bean, she also gave it to another mother's child. That mother did not feel like cooking. Those were food that was donated. The other mother made something I don't remember. She has been in a bad mood. One mother came and asked me if the baked macaroni and cheese that I made was finished. She made chicken quarters that she received from a food pantry. I did not see any other mother come down to eat or feed their children. I guess they leave and eat elsewhere. One girl was saying how she was so mad that someone took her ketchup and then put another ketchup in her bin. She said that she was so mad that she threw it. It was my ketchup. I told her please don't do that next time because they take stuff from people and put it anywhere. Why would she do that anyway? Since the microwave broke I heat my leftovers on the stove and in the oven. Tomorrow I will be making tilapia and broccoli and maybe roasted potatoes. We have to be done eating and cleaning by 7:30 pm. Of course the drug addicts sat at the kitchen able and cursed and the children were running and fighting. I am so sick of these violent children. One mother came down in an outfit looking like a stripper. It was some g string outfit thing that could clearly be seen through her clothes. When one girl said something about her outfit she became angry and testy. Oh well.
I just found out that one of the girls was almost attacked by another mother over a remote control. One of them with a little boy attacked another one because she wanted the remote. She was also drunk and has a habit of hogging the TV. I don't watch much TV so it does not matter too much. I would like to watch the super bowl though. I just don't know why they are so ghetto. I mean they curse so much around children. I saw one today that has 3 children and is pregnant (about to pop). She was on the phone cursing, telling someone that she needs to pop her in her f!!!! mouth. They tend to think that violence is how to raise their sons and daughters. They say that I have a boy I have to toughen him up. Maybe that is why so many black men are choosing to be with white women. When they watch TV they see a nice white mom, but their earliest memory of a black woman is a violent, loud, out of control woman. Maybe they would like a docile environment. I have no idea the thought just came to me. One lady's kid is crying now. I walked out to make sure that she was not in the hall alone again. I guess the mom is just beating her. That mom leaves today. It is not my place to interfere. I do not want any retaliation from these women. These men have these children and leave the women to fend on their own. It is not easy. Somehow I messed up the window shade. That is it for today
Today was emotional. I am realizing that my mother is using me for her own advantage. She told me that if I had to move out of here that I would not be allowed to live with her if she has rented the attic because she wants to have her parties and that she does not want to hear that I need to study. She also stated that I may accuse her boyfriend of abuse because he loves children, if it is not your child stay away. She also lets her boyfriend drive her car and then ask me to give her rides. When she did not loan me her car when mine was broke down for a few months. I had to walk, take cabs, and trains. Now she wants me to purchase a house in my name but I cannot live in it because I cannot afford the rent. I knew that she was manipulative but I did not realize the extent of her abuse. I think that if I am allowed to stay here I will tell her that I no longer want the house in my name and that she should ask someone else. She tried to tell me this and that. I know realize that she may not want her boyfriend in on the mix so that he does not have to divide up assets with his baby mamas. He took out the loan and then she put the money in my account. Something is not right about that. I want nothing to do with it. If she becomes upset then I will not have a relationship with her. She is always trying to get over on me. She is slowly losing everything that she worked hard for. She has transformed into the wicked witch of the west. She behaves like a spoiled teenager. She dates young men that have no serious feelings for her, they all cheat on her, and one beats you. I think that she is bringing me down. I know how low I can get right.
This lady who works here is so nasty. She should not be working with people at all. She makes you feel low. If we were not here how would she pay her bills? I doubt that you need a college degree for this job. It is one of those jobs that people are lucky to get and keep because it is a nice gig. Every time that she spoke to me it was in a condescending tone. I heard some other people complain about her but I always give people a chance before I jump to judgments. She made me want to Count of Monte Crisco her ass. I was crying it was that bad. I spoke to one of the workers about how I felt and she had her come in for me to talk to her. She apologized but it was still a bit sarcastic. Then she decided that she was not going to speak to me at all. I told her that maybe she did not notice it but she made me feel uncomfortable and like crap. That is why when I see her I just want to run away. She feels so high and mighty. This is not her facility, she is not providing shelter for me. She is merely collecting a paycheck. She does not help you with anything. She barks orders. I enjoyed how they waited until 9 something to tell me that I had an extra chore, one that she made up not too long ago. Chores have to be started at 8:15. My daughter still needed help with her homework. Some people get enjoyment I believe from other people suffering. I cannot even call my daughter's father and ask him to help me pay for a few uniforms. He will not answer. I have to bring in my paperwork and see if it will be approved. I am very nervous. I may have embellished the truth a bit, now I am in a hole. If I was a recovering addict they would help me, no matter how many times I have fallen of the wagon. Seeing as how I am just a regular person not proficient in the systems working I get the shaft. I was on it before then I was able to get off. I was a bit lazy these past few weeks. I have a resume and I will get my reference page and continue from there. I am positive and I will not give up. I need it to be around my schedule. Wish I had a special love interest in my life. I will make better choices though. I will not be enamored with the shell of the person. I will take a holistic approach to how I choose a mate. I have let a lot of decent suitors slip through my fingers. They liked me so much. They were good people. Now I am back at square one, at over 30 yrs. old.
Ok I am at the shelter now and it is not so bad. I was put in a room because mine was not ready. I followed the rules but I was late one day, but I called and explained why. I missed a super good party for a friend. Ok so the girls there are ok. Some have kids and some were ("") on drugs and followed the rules so they get to come to my building. Little things like food go missing. Many of the girls there sell their food stamps for money and then go around asking other people for their food. That is annoying. One girl that has a little girl is always asking people for food, drink, and toiletries. She has blond hair and reminds me of Halle Berry from Baps (minus the hot thin part). They curse like crazy around anyone and kids. They have very little patience with their children. The children look like they are taken care of. I met one that is 20 and wants to be a pediatrician. I try to encourage her and stuff, without getting too in her business. For what she wants to do she would need a lot of help from family. If she gets the right support system and stops having children it may be possible. I doubt most of us would be in there if we were not single parents. A few of the girls wear these hideous eyelashes that look like feathers on their eyes. It screams ghetto. I really think that they should lose that look. One night one of the girls invited me to a jam session. She started to sing and others joined it. They sounded amazing. I left because there was no way my chicken scratch voice was entering that mix. One of the loud girls is so funny. She cracks me up. There is one girl there that is depressed and I can tell that something is wrong with her. She is on meds and wants to come off and all I could think is, if you are like this on meds I would hate to see what you are like off of them. She is cool. She shares a bit too much information like telling us all of her std. I don't knock her though. Sometimes the ones that were on the drugs( I use that loosely) come in and look high. There is random drug screenings though. There is this one lady that I met. She is well over 40 and probably still on drugs. She has a little boy that is about 9 months. He is the cutest thing. He has big blue eyes and you just want to take him from her and take care of him. She is always with him but she neglects him a lot. I tried to help one day and just hold him. I asked first and she was ok with it. But I had to finish my intake and they told me to put the baby down. Then they began to reprimand her for not taking care of her crying baby. She let them have it. I like her hutpa. She is full of spirit. They recieved gifts this past Christmas and they were asked to write thank you letters. She said thank you for the gifts and signed her name. They asked her to write more and she told them this is all you getting from me. She looks older and has a missing tooth but the electrician that came in was hitting on her. I was like damn. He was cute too. I don't get men. I have not been to the gym in a while. I was told that I could use the gym near by for free. I might take them up on the offer. I have no idea if I gained any weight or not. I am walking more. The workers are very nice and helpful. One is rude but hey 1 ain't bad. I met her for the first time yesterday. Usually I am in my room by the time that she comes. I went to her to find out why they leave the door unlocked after they come in to check on us. She was so rude. I did not like the feeling that I felt when I left her office. She told me that I did not do my chores. I was told what my chore was on Monday. No one told me that my chore would change or to see anyone. So I did what they told me to do. I just did not like the way she spoke to me. She spoke to me like I was nothing. I tried not to let it get to me but it made me feel sad a bit. The whole time that I was there and in my situation I never felt like crap until I met her. I wanted to tell her about her attitude but I was scared of the consequences. When I get back on my feet I will speak to her about her attitude towards us. If that does not work I will write a letter. I know that I should let it go, but I can't control how I feel. She was black to. I tell you we break each other down instead of uplifting. No wonder we are in such a sad state. Ok so I was no longer allowed to homeschool my child. So I registered her in the school nearby which has a good academic reputation. But it is an urban school district. So today my daughter goes in and the teacher ask her to open her bookbag. She is confused. I mean like in 2nd grade, wow. She told me that her first day went like this. She saw a kid bite one kid then that kid bit the kid back, kids were jumping off the table during class, the kids were cursing non stop at each other in class. I said whoa what a day. She said this is such and such town. Their parents are drug addicts and psychos. I was laughing. I am pretty sure that she got that from me. I do not know if they put her in that particular class because of my new address or because it was the only one with room in it. The teacher told her she was the best student and gave her a new book. I don't know if she tells everyone that or not. She was one of 4 students that was allowed to use the computer. They were suppose to watch a movie at the library but since the kids could not behave the teacher told them to do work. She did her one homework. I made her do more work because I did not feel that it was enough. I don't know if I will have to leave. I have to give my paperwork to the welfare office. I am not sure where to go from here. They say that unless I have the paperwork she will have to go to summer school. I had an attendance paper but I did not save all of her work. I will give them what I have and see what they say. I have no idea why I did not save it all. I will attempt to take care of that this weekend. I still have no money. I have borrowed from friends. I will have to see if I can be approved for welfare. I will be able to get some income tax money in 2 months. I will not waste it. I am hoping to get some financial advice while I am there. I go to this group 2x a week. The man seems very helpful and he seems like he really cares. He is a mental health guy. It felt nice to talk. I have no idea why the girls do not like going. One girl was just on her facebook. This man knows stuff. I would not be wasting this valuable resource. I went down the wrong door and could not find my way out I was terrified. The doors were all locked. I had to knock to get back on the floor. The woman who shares a room next to mine creeps me out. She is yelling and crying and then her daughter is crying who is like 11. I think that she is Polish or Russian. She seems nice enough outside of the room but I try to tune her out. I don't know her story. I don't know many of their stories. I try to avoid them as much as possible because they curse too much and I do not want to enter into any drama. When that lady was rude to me I did not say anything to the girls because on my first day there one of the workers told me don't get involved in any drama. I have heard them talk about the workers but I say nothing. I have been busy all week. I have to go back to the welfare office today. I may walk. it is just that I do not know how long I will be there and I wil have to leave at 2:20 to make sure that I can pick up the kids. They are suppose to go in lunch at 12 pm but most leave at 11:30. By some I mean almost every single worker. Then they come back at 1. If I can not be seen today I may have to go on Monday. I just need a little bit of money to buy my daughter school clothes, detergent, and car expenses. My mom won't loan me a penny. I do not wan to borrow from anyone. I do not want to put them in a position where they feel that they have to help me. One friend seemed upset that I was at the shelter. She told me that I should go to her house. She has bedbugs and she does not know that I know the truth about their problems. She just wants me to babysit her bad kids. She is tempermental and her bf is always hitting on me. When he is not hitting on me he is introducing me to shady looking family members. She thinks that he is just a flirt. She was telling me how she is working now and has money. So I asked her for 60 dollars she only had 20. I knew that she was full of it. But the 20 did help I was able to get my daughter school pants. today I will get the sweats and she will have to wear her beat up sneakers there is no money for sneakers right now. I may go to the thrift store when I have some time.
I am living at a homeless shelter now. It is not so great but not so bad. I just need someplace to lay my head that is safe. With everything going on I have no idea if I can continue this homeschool. This is a process. I will see how things go. I will keep an update. I aam keeping to my inital goal of trying to stay positive. I am not sure if I want to write about it or write it down on paper and write about it after it is all done. I have had so many people step up to offer me help. I was surprised. Sometimes you think that you are all alone then you find out that if you let people in on a little of what is going on they are willing to help with no ill intentions. I am listning to the Chloe and Halle version of pretty hurts. I love their version. Although Chloe should have done it alone. The other girl I think is too young to be sing it with the emotions required. My daughter is ok, she is rolling with the punches. Some of the girls there have so many kids. I can not imagine dragging so many kids around constant instability. I have a 2 yr plan. I have made a lot of mistakes but I think that I have it under control now. Let me know if you want the journey. If I don't get any comments I will write it down when it is all over.
I just saw a mouse in my house. I am so terrified. I am litterly frozen with fear. I have a family member coming by. I just want to move. I know that my fear may be irrational but I am a girl. I am sleepy and afraid to sleep. I was going to ask someone if I could sleep at their house but it is late. I was even going to sleep at my mom's house, but too many people there. I have no job, I am single and now this. I just feel like I need a get out of jail free card. I want to reach out and beg for help. I am so lost. I wish that someone could help me. Things were looking up. The place is a bit messy but not that bad. I think that it is because of the weather and the hole in my place. They are probably in my pantry eating what little food that I have left. I should be strong. I think the answer is to get a kitten. I hate being poor and single. I keep thinking that if he did not leave me that thing would be better. I wish that I was never born. I really wish that I were dead. I hate this life. I have to live for my baby. We had such a nice time today. I just wish that life was just a bit smoother. How did this happen to me. How is this my life. I am a good person. I have been wearing the same clothes for 3 days. I have no money to wash them. I live in the USA things should not be this bad. Why is there no help for me and my baby. I just want to get up and move. I am sad, scared, and poor.
I pounded the pavement today and tried to look for work. Nothing came of it, but that's ok. I called the unemployment office. Since it said that my claim was pended. The funny thing is that I was told that if my claim is denied that I will get a letter in 10 days. The man tells me that I should call him back in 10 day to find out the decision. So I guess he was trying to tell me something. I was hopeful that it would go through. It is not that I do not want to go on welfare. I was just hoping that I could find a job before things got bad. I am a good employee. I walked to save money on gas, but then it got too cold so I headed back. I will go back tomorrow. I may ask someone to loan me 10 dollars to put some gas in the car. I am willing to do most jobs. The only job that I will not do is anything in the sex industry. I could in no way ever do that. The crazy thing is that I know people who have money to help me, but I know that they would not because they don't help anyone. I'm ok with that. That song by Candice, called Cried helped me to release some tears. I have been listning to it on repeat. I am sad, but I put my best face for the world to see. I feel bad for my baby girl. I'm doing my best for her not to feel the effect of my situation. She sees me trying and I ate a few crackers today but made her something to eat. I want to save the food for her. I am running out of crackers for myself. I am so fat and my sugar is going down so I am ok. I was eating crazy of course but now that I am eating less my blood sugar is slowly going down. It was 315 which for those that don't know anything about diabetes, the number is terrible. I checked it today and it was 258. That number is bad but it is an improvement. When it goes down to 115 then that will be a healthy number. I am exercising and things are not horrible. They are just a bit hard. Ok going to clean up a bit.
I filed my unemployment claim. It is pending. I have no idea what that means. I am stressed out. I want to cry, but the tears won't even glaze over my eyes. I guess that i have become a bit dessensitized to these little inconvienences of my life. It is ok for a while then things happen, then they get as ok as they can get. I do not know what to do at this point. I may go to the gym later. I just don't know what to do. I have no money for gas. I will hit the pavement to look for work. I had two best friends and not one of them can help. At least one called me. The other one has yet to return my call. I'm done with her anyway. I still love her as a person, however our friendship has been strained lately because of all her lies. A part of me wants to go under the covers and just hide from my responsibilities, but I will just wake up to more problems. I should invest in a bike. At least I will have some transportation. I have not ridden a bike in years this will be fun. Not really but it beats walking. I will be able to save time. I should probably get a helmet. I seriously want to cry. I guess a part of me does not want it to win. By it I mean life. If I did not have a child I would have checked out a long time ago. I think that shit is so unfair. I just want to pack all my stuff and leave this state and my family. I have made such a mess of my life. I have made too many unimformed decisions that are have now put me at such a disposition. I should have just focused on school. I can not take back any of my mistakes. What I would do for just one do over. Just one. Things would be so good for me right now, I really feel that way. Does not work that way though. You have to live with every decision that you make and it does not matter if you had the information to make good or bad ones. Ok time to put on those big girl panties ( All my panties are big girl panties). In creole there is a saying Met fam sou ou. Put your woman on ( it does not translate well). I have to put on my strong black woman face for the world. When I am just a scared mom.
1. Lose 100 pounds.
2. Find a job
3. Do really well in school.
4. Keep house clean
5. Control my temper.
6. Keep appearance neat.
7. Get diabetes under control.
8. Save 1,000 dollars.
9. Try to be positive
Ok my day started good. I went over to my friends house and talked with her friend for like a while. Then I went over to her sister house to get some soup joumou. Haitian Independence day. I sat and chilled and talked for hours there. Then I went back to my other friend's house for more soup. I like the other soup better. Than after a while I decided to stop at my daughter's grandmother's house. The woman's attitude was indifferent. She ask me to come and visit her in her country. I know that she has things going on but I did not appreciate her coldness. I then tell my child to talk to her. She does not know anything about the other side. She completely brushes her off. I don't get her and instead of me saying anything I will just keep my mouth shut. If I do go there I will go to a hotel. I do not want to stay with her at her house. I have tried with this family I just can't. The father reached out to me as well but he is full of it so I ignored him. Then I go to my friends house to see how she is doing and what do I find out after sitting there for over an hour. That she has found bed bugs in her house. Supposedly the bugs were bought in by a visitor. Which I can believe because she is a neat person, but she does have a lot of visitors. Now I'm freaking out. Every little thing that I feel I think that it is a bed bug. I do not have much furniture but I don't want any bed bugs. I had them before and all I had to do was get rid of my mattress. But I can't get rid of my mattress for another 3 months. It is time to get a new mattress. I feel the springs and it is very uncomfortable. Now I feel itchy. The day was nice all in all. I did not let my daughter's grandmother's disposition effect my day. I just played with the adorable baby.
I was suppose to go on vacation this year to the Virgin Islands. I was going to stay with my daughter's grandmother. But the more that time passes I am reconsidering this. She did invite me but I no longer feel that it will be an ideal situation. She has come for the holidays and has not once invited me over to bring my daughter. Not even to pick up a gift and I called her. I will eventually bring my child over there but only once. She is a complicated woman. I know that I had some choice words with her son recently but in my opinion it should not concern her in the least. He asked me to bring my daughter over to his mother's house for the holiday so that all the kids could be together. He has not called my daughter in over 5 months. She is crying that he popped back and then disappeared. He chose to not include her so I have chosen to not subject her to anymore pain. I have no problem having her see her sisters. I think that it would be healthy for them to be in each other's lives. But I will not let my child go to his house. He is living with his girlfriend that has children and one of her sons is about 12. Anyone with common sense knows you don't let the combo mix. He is still married and his wife is living with her boyfriend and. Let me be honest, they are ghetto. I mean fighting, smoking weed, calling cops, drinking etc. I will not be letting my kid go to their houses ever. They are not good parents and I am not saying this because I dislike either one of them. I understand that his wife has had a tough life and the choices that she has made are a result of her childhood and then being in an abusive relationship for many years. I would be lying if I said that I understood him in any fashion. All that matters to me is how good of a father he is. He is a poor example of one. I tried to be corjal but he refused to do the same. So now I will have to make other vacation plans. I wanted my daughter to see the other side of who she is, but how can I do that with this woman. She is manipulative and unfriendly at times. If I do go there it will be after school is finished. The trip would not be so expensensive because I would be staying at her house but I will take this cold shoulder as response. You know what they say when people show you who they ( I forget) but you get it. I had a really nice time 2 yrs ago but I want to try something different.
I can't work anywhere right now. My job is fighting my unemployment claim. I am not surprised. I think that is why the HR lady can do whatever she wants. It must be because she has the skill to get unemployment claims denied. I don't even care. I will try but if I get denied after 5 years of crappy work conditions, then so be it. Big businesses have all the power anyway. I will not let it get me down. I just wish that I had some money to pay some of my bills. I am at a loss at this point. If I get the unemployent approved it will help tremendously. If not I will apply for welfare. I have no idea what kind of job I will get. I have to wait until after the holidays but I need money now. I have some food to make a nice dinner for Christmas and two gifts that I bought earlier this year hidden from my daughter. So I don't think that her Christmas will be so bad. After that I will just go to food pantries to get food if I can't get the welfare. They want so much information but my life is complicated, I am not sure how I will get them all the info. It is a lot right now to deal with. But it is not the end of the world so I will just have to make do. I just need to be able to pay rent and car insurance and gas. That is 500 dollars a month. Oh and my phone bill. The phone bill is not too expensive. My child support is less than 200 dollars a month so that will not be much help. But at least tomorrow will be nice. I don't know what we will wear seeing as how we have no money for laundry and there is no one that I can ask for help. I had one friend that I helpled out while she was unable to work and I helped her get a job and she acts like she can not even give me 10 dollars. I live and I learn. I won't even say anything to her or let it get to me. I'll get over it but our friendship of over 15 years is over as far as I am concerned. I'm done with that friendship. I had her as a friend on FB but I will not remove her so that I don't hear any nonesense. I'm sure that I will find something. I will have a nice day tomorrow. I will forget reality and embrace the commercialized day called Christmas. Being an Atheist I am able to make Christmas mean something with no tree or decor. I will be making Baked Macorroni and Cheese for the second time in my life. Cake from the box and fried chicked breast and juice. I wanted to have something else just in case the Mac an Cheese does not come out so great. I would make baked ziti another of my favorites that I have never attempted to make. When I went to this banquet there was some delicious pasta. I have no idea what it was. I do know that it was rich and yummy. Merry Christmas.
So I have no idea why I typed it but I typed in lesbian on the search bar. I wanted to find Haitian lesbians but no luck. I don't know what I expected but then women who like women or something popped up. I click on it and see so many people that I know as liking women and men. Of course the ones that I know personally are with men. I just don't feel so bad now. I will let it be known, just not yet. Now that I probably won't have a job I won't feel so bad about my co-workers knowing. Then again I don't want to be locked out of any potential jobs because they see my profile, which is public and decide not to hire me. I am going to need a job pretty soon. Things are getting dire. Ok so I was just surprised. Even though I do not really think that bi sexual people prefer the same sex, who am I to judge. I do think that they can be attracted to the same sex but most of the time they seem to be with the opposite. I mean women not men. I use to like men. I loved like 3 or 4 of them. It did not last but I was deeply in love. I don't know what happened, things just changed. Sometimes I wish that I could fake it but I can't. Lesbian is lesbian, now I want women. I do have a weird attraction to Indian women. I think it is because of all those Bollywood movies. I doubt that I will ever date one. On those dating sites they seem to only want Asian and white women. To each their own, I don't care that much. I love all women really. I don't think that I will ever be with a white woman though. Not that I don't find them attractive, it's just that there are so many differences in culture. I don't like drama and I think that it would be easier dating others. Like it really matters. I have been alone for a long time. I have been with a woman before, but not in a relationship with one. It was only physical, she was mostly into guys. Me and her are not together but she was my first adult lesbian experience. I don't miss her, I just miss being with a woman. Me an men just don't go well together. Now I feel less alone seeing so many people that I know understand that you can be attracted to women. So when I do come out I will still have some family and friends still in my life.
I am almost done braiding my daughters hair with extensions. I have seen it done so many times and when I tried it took a long time. I mean like a few days to do. It did not come out so well. But I guess it's true what they say, practice makes perfect. I am not a pro yet or anything but they came out real nice. I like doing my daughter's hair. I feel that it is a great bonding experience. We sit and watch a show, we talk, she complains and I get frustrated and all that, which goes with doing your little girls hair. She loves it in the end and jumps and says thank you, I look so good. Which is true because we all look better when we are well groomed. I plan on doing my friend's daughter's hair. I know that she does not have the time or skill. It will take me two days but it's cheaper then the 80 bucks that the hair salon charges. I will just ask her to buy the hair which only cost 8 dollars. I usually only need 5 dollars worth but her kid has a lot of hair and I don't want to have to go to the store to purchase more later. I will give her what's left over. I would offer to do her hair since it is a hot mess, but I am not sure if I have the time. I would do her older daughter's hair but that girl has a tude on her that is not becoming. I am always helping people and now, I don't have time to just live my own life. People always seem to need my help. Like all the time. I never can go at least 3 months with out someone needing me for something. I seem to only have 2 days off a week. I want to say no but end up feeling guilty. They help me out at times, but not to the degree which they need me. My cousin's parents are educated, but they seem nuts. Their children have beautiful hair. Their hair is soft and curls when wet. There is this whole natural hair movement going on now. I go to youtube and educate myself as much as possible. Their parents insist on putting ugly weaves in their head in an effort to retain and gain length, which is so naïve. I am not against weaves, but if you have a lot of money then why buy store hair. I looks like an animal died on their heads. It looks dry, tangled, and cheap. I can see the thread sticking up in their hair. They do not take the time to spend with their children. It is a shame. I use to do their hair and help them out, doing things that their mother or father should do. Putting weaves in your hair on a regular basis can cause a form of alopecia. I put extension in my daughters hair only 2 to 3 times a year and they are not tight. When I use to do their children's hair it did not fall out and they looked so pretty with it done. I have to do my hair. My hair is 4c and I am still at the short stage. It is hard to take care of.I am still learning about how to take care of my hair. I found out not to long ago about different hair types. I was listening to a woman that had nice soft curly hair. I assumed that I could achieve the same style if I did what she did. I now follow a woman that has 4c hair like mine.
Previous Postssl7, posted March 2nd, 2014
SL6, posted February 6th, 2014
SL6, posted February 4th, 2014
SL6, posted January 28th, 2014
SL5, posted January 27th, 2014
SL4, posted January 27th, 2014
SL3, posted January 27th, 2014
SL 2, posted January 27th, 2014
Shelter Life, posted January 27th, 2014
Week 1 at shelter, posted January 16th, 2014
Living in a shelter, posted January 12th, 2014, 1 comment
I'm scared., posted January 7th, 2014
Unemployed, posted January 2nd, 2014
Today, posted January 2nd, 2014
New Year's Resolutions., posted January 2nd, 2014
New Year 2014, posted January 1st, 2014
Vacation Plans., posted December 27th, 2013
My :( Christmas, posted December 24th, 2013
Many Bi s on Facebook, posted December 13th, 2013
Braiding my daughter's hair., posted December 11th, 2013
Bingo Time, posted December 9th, 2013
Just saw Catching Fire, posted December 4th, 2013
Just another day., posted November 26th, 2013
Natural Hair, posted November 8th, 2013
Comment on Post., posted November 6th, 2013
Want a new outlook., posted November 4th, 2013
It will get worse. I know it!, posted October 3rd, 2013
CNA job, posted September 6th, 2013
Why can't I move on., posted September 2nd, 2013
Getting ready for fall., posted September 1st, 2013
Schools out Lonely, posted May 30th, 2013
Feel, posted April 7th, 2013
Today, posted March 8th, 2013
My Diabetes, posted March 2nd, 2013
Forgot I had a blog!, posted February 7th, 2013
New Year 2013, posted January 2nd, 2013
They grow up so fast., posted December 29th, 2012
Saying goodbye to 2012, posted December 19th, 2012
Sad, posted December 16th, 2012
OK, posted December 10th, 2012, 5 comments
Decisions, posted December 3rd, 2012
Getting ready to move., posted November 25th, 2012
Happy Holidays!!! NOT, posted November 22nd, 2012
Ok thanks for making me realize why I don't want men., posted November 14th, 2012
NOt in LovE, posted November 13th, 2012
Baby Daddy, posted November 11th, 2012
Work, posted November 4th, 2012
After Hurricane Sandy, posted November 3rd, 2012, 1 comment
The big bad Sandy, posted October 28th, 2012
New Experiences, posted October 27th, 2012
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